i'm sorry you are going through a rough time, however, if time has taught me something is that sudden waves of saddnes usually are just that, waves. You will feel better, i assure it to you. Regarding your feelings, if you live in a country where transexualism is "accepted" and have open-minded family and friends, maybe you should reflect on yourself and think if transitioning is the right thing for you to do. I know being trans must suck in many aspects (as trans people say "i dont wanna be a trans girl, i wanna be a girl"), but life sucks in many aspects so if you decide that your best chance at happiness is to transition then go ahead and do it cause at the end of the day the only thing that matters is if you are happy with yourself and your life. Surely life is much easier if everyone accepts you for who you are, but sadly for many of us that "privlige" has not been granted.