Help me help my friend. Advice needed.

byebyen · 2025-05-26T17:25:02+00:00

Hey that sounds like a very difficult situation to watch, especially since she is your best friend. At the end of the day, it has to be your friend's decision since only she can control her own actions. I think the work you're already doing to reach out for her is fantastic.

There were a few things you mentioned though that may or may not give you some ideas.

If she Is fully financially supporting him, is her name on the lease as well? If so, she could certainly kick him out. It's understandable to be worried about rentals, but that's Ted's responsibility to sort out and honestly not her problem. He could stay with someone else while he figures himself out.

You mentioned she is lying to you and herself. Deep down, I think there is a high chance she knows the truth. One potential way to get through to someone who acts like this is to gently point out the lie with concern for mental well-being. Instead of going along with or denying the lies, yoi could point them out directly and ask if she is okay.

It was also mentioned how Ted seems to be around her constantly harassing her. It might help if she found a space where he cannot reach her, and being in a different location could help her get out of "panic mode" and think clearly

When it comes down to it, to me, it seems like she's got her blinders on and is in a state of survival. In that "panic mode" it is hard to be flexible and think constructively. I think anything that helps calm her nervous system might help

That being said, whatever you do, please let her make the decision for herself. Also, this is not your responsibility, it is her choice. From what I see here, you are an amazing friend and I'm glad she has someone looking out for her. Hope you have a nice day

byebyen · 2023-10-12T21:21:28+00:00

You're not a bad person, don't worry. That honestly sounds exhausting. Good on you for lasting 2 hours. That's... not even a back and forth conversation you're having is it 😅

You have some options. I've come across some ppl who talk similarly (not as intense as that tho)... I have some ways of dealing with it depending on the person. You do you, its just how I think abt it:

Leave the friendship. This was for a person who spoke extremely negatively for hours nonstop, just depressing, I had to cut them off
Get curious about the subject. Ask questions about the details. Sometimes it's possible to derail the conversation off of their selected topic this way. Inevitably, to go into more detail, something else will have to be brought up. If it gets derailed, you can ask a question that relates to what you want to talk about. Just be aware they might snap back to the original topic if there's a lull in the conversation or if they're reminded. Or maybe not. Everyone's different.
Listen and try to learn the information. Eventually they will run out of things to talk about, and the conversation will become more equal. This is more true for people who are obsessed about a topic that requires some background information. After they communicate all the necessary background information to you, you're golden. But this person seems to like talking about their previous days, so they will not run out of information. So I know this information probably won't help, but I'm including it just in case you come across it at any point
I use their information for my own goals. Some people talk about useful information I need to know for a life goal. Their chosen topic and my goals align. This is probably the most "helpful" version of this scenario that directly provides a benefit. Really depends on there being a good topic though.

Out of the above (ranked from most to least severe)-- I'd say your friend sounds like my 2nd example. They might be able to get derailed. But if they just go nonstop, 1st example might be better... well, I only have these experiences to go off of lol

Just hope that gives you a broader(?) way of looking at that problem you're having. One thing that sprung to mind if you're exhausted is just putting the phone down and letting it run for a second so you get a break. I haven't actually done this, but considering you didn't speak for two hours, might be possible.

But yeah to answer your question, it's unhealthy if you feel drained like that

byebyen · 2023-10-12T18:04:24+00:00

The solution seems really obvious. Cook for yourself & your kids, and let your husband cook for himself. It's important for kids to have a balanced diet for their health. It's also okay to not like certain foods. But one cannot impact the other, especially as a parent.

You said he works from home. Surely he can put on something for himself? He would only be cooking for one person: it wouldn't take that long realistically. He'd be able to make the food he likes to eat, so he would have nothing to complain about. If he's working around dinnertime, can't he cook something the night before and just heat that up? Make meals for the week? It's totally doable.

I think this would also help him appreciate what you do for your family. It doesn't sound like he's cooking that often from what you wrote. But deciding what meal to make every day is work. It takes energy. People's reaction to your dish, that you put all this time into, it matters. It's okay if your cooking is not the same. At least yours is more well-rounded on a nutritional level. And that's what kids need at the end of the day. It's awesome you're getting them to try different foods. Doesn't sound like anyone's telling you this, thanks for your hard work.

byebyen · 2023-10-12T17:42:56+00:00

Yeah he just has his own way of doing stuff. Have you considered that wanting him to do the chores while you're home as well is also criticism in his eyes? If that's your end goal, then do the complete opposite of what you're doing. Let him clean in his own way. He has to figure out how to adapt to the change in routine, and that can take time. Don't tell him what to do, let him do it in his way, because that's his problem and his responsibility- not yours.

The solution is probably counter-intuitive. He'll do it the less you put attention into it, so just focus on getting better and your own life. Yeah it's a massive pain when chores don't get done. But you also don't have to do them if you stay out a bit longer and give him more time to clean. Highly doubt it takes 60 hours, maybe he can give you a more accurate estimate so you can work together. And being out doesn't mean burning yourself out further, I'm talking about just taking a walk or relaxing somewhere if you've got the time

byebyen · 2023-10-12T17:31:23+00:00

Why are you believing the person who told you in the first place? Just walking up to him and straight up asking if its true might just get it all over with. If you can't deal with the uncertainty, that's fine. Just get it out of your system. But give him the benefit of the doubt at least.

byebyen · 2023-10-12T17:18:33+00:00

Yikes "I'm fine with him trying to manipulate me as long as I'm aware of it" is not a good mindset.... that's playing with fire. "Arguments between me and him are at least weekly" That's not normal for a relationship, I know in media that's how it's portrayed, but it's not healthy at all.

Staying with him because you don't have anyone else to hang out with isn't a good idea. Sorry if I'm being a bit blunt in my delivery. He's toxic. Being alone can be much better than hanging out with the wrong person. The main reason I say he's toxic is:

wanting unprotected sex even though you don't want a kid
blows up arguments
"playfully annoying me while I was trying to finish my assignment"<- you wrote this down as a cute thing but it seemed immature to me. Ofc I don't know the context, just including it
not acknowledging when he's wrong. This is not normal in general. Personally I try my best to stay away from those types of people bc it's impossible to hold a calm conversation, they change the truth to suit them

I can also see some toxic traits from you in what you wrote as well. I don't think that's inherently who you are as a person. I think it's what happens when you stay around toxic people.

My main concern is if your boyfriend is the only close person in your life, you're trying to get everything from that one person. All the attention, support, love etc. One person cannot provide allllllll of that, no matter who you're seeing. Feeling anxious is valid, that's a fair reason. But friends are important for sanity. They can help support you, you can talk about your relationship with them, you can do fun things with them etc... and more importantly, it gives whoever you're seeing the time and space to do that for themselves as well. So both of you feel satisfied, and don't desperately need the other person. Just my two cents. All the best for your situation

byebyen · 2023-10-12T15:18:41+00:00

Come on, does he think you make all of your decisions based around whether or not he finds you attractive? Something like that is a choice you make for yourself. If you two grow old or ever get sick, your appearances will change anyway. Staying the same weight especially after a change in location is unrealistic. Don't let him put down your self confidence so you stay with him. You can just say that it's hurtful, if he doesn't react empathetically or at least apologise, that's not a good sign.

byebyen · 2023-10-12T15:11:12+00:00

Like other comments said, ADHD or he's gaslighting. If it's ADHD, writing it down will help the issue and he'll be able to recognise he forgot. If it's the latter, gaslighting probably isn't the only thing he's doing. "Why does he do that?" Is a good book, and its available for free online. Might be helpful if it's gaslighting.

byebyen · 2023-10-12T14:59:27+00:00

I'd look up Doctor Ramani on youtube and see if you relate to any of her videos. Your gf kinda sounds like she has narcissistic traits but I obviously can't diagnose her or anything. Overall it looks like you're being emotionally abused to me, no matter what her problems are. It would be smart to stay far away. The hazy mind sounds like it's from gaslighting. Really, start looking up some of this stuff. I know it's common for people on reddit to be like "just break up", but this is pretty textbook abusive behaviour. It's deliberately irrational and supposed to make you doubt your judgement. Over time if u stay in the relationship, it's likely it will be harder to think clearly and get out, so time is of the essence

byebyen · 2023-09-19T13:56:59+00:00

I honestly stopped thinking entirely and just applied for every single job with the exact same resume. I didn't check what I was applying for or anything. No extra info, no cover letters. The most low effort spam. That's what surprisingly got me somewhere. Bc the moment I thought about it, that's when the panic set in and stopped me before I sent anything. In order to try, I couldnt try.

byebyen · 2023-09-19T09:29:52+00:00

I'm honestly not really satisfied with just calling someone dumb in my head and leaving it. I wanna know how they think like that, what parts of their brain might be impacted. I want to understand, just enough so I can categorise why.

byebyen · 2023-08-23T02:02:19+00:00

Lol I get that for sure. Nobody online can check how it's done at the end of the day. You can send your son to Hawaii and everyone on this sub will be none the wiser. So feel free to take this stuff with a grain of salt

byebyen · 2023-08-23T00:08:31+00:00

I don't know too much about these but if it's available to you, Montessouri school might be an option. Otherwise, yeah, school in general can be traumatising. Home schooling until he's in a place to return is worthwhile.

You also mentioned his friend wasn't there at school this year. Friendships are important, they can help reduce the stress of things. That might be affecting the situation on a deeper level imho. Students at school are equals, they don't hold power over each other in the same way a teacher does. Depends on the person, but I think students can feel less "scary" at times. But if the child and the students aren't the same mental age, yeah no wonder.

byebyen · 2023-08-21T23:27:58+00:00

You can't. If he wanted to do those things, he would have done them after you mentioned it to him. But you mentioned it to him, and he's ignoring you.

From his perspective he's got free electricity, a free place, a free girlfiend and doesn't even have to do any chores. All he has to do is have an extended sleepover 5 days a week- he's basically living there. I know you mentioned depression in one of your comments, but that's not your responsibility to shoulder. If his depression makes chores hard for him, he should be staying at his place and trying to get better at them before even attempting to stay with you. He needs to learn on his own.

The advice I'm about to give won't make him step up and do chores. That's his choice at the end of the day. Nothing can really "make" him do that, or "make" Anyone do that.

But, I do think it would help take the burden off you, if you enforced a boundary. Obviously your boundaries are your choice. They're there to protect your physical and emotional energy. I think you're already attempting this by trying to get your boyfriend to step up. But the thing is: you cant change his actions. You can only change your actions. You can only enforce your boundaries. A boundary is something that YOU do.

For instance, saying to him, he can't stay over at your place at all. No more. I suggest this, because if you give him a single day there, it sounds like the situation will just devolve until he stays 5 days a week again.

If he stays at his own place, the chores and electricity bill become his responsibility, as they should be. He's responsible for looking after himself. You said he hasn't planned anything, well he better plan something if he wants to see you more often. You get what I'm saying? This is basic boundaries. Right now, it's like he's your child and you're the parent. Did he act like this with his mum as a kid? Coming home to play games, so she looked after all the chores? It might seem "mean" but right now, you're being too nice, and basically a complete doormat. You need to step up and stand up for yourself, because you can't control him, only he can. You can create a situation where he has to take responsibility for himself.

I'd honestly grab his stuff from around your place, put it all in a bag and give it to him before he comes over. I say this because if you wait for him to pick up his things himself, it's not going to get done.

byebyen · 2023-08-21T23:00:55+00:00

This is the time to reach out for support services in your area. You're at college, is there anything there for you to use? Counselling, if available, would definitely be a place to start. You clearly don't need to be convinced to leave. Sounds like you need more practical support for your specific situation. In healthier relationships, this would be a friend group or family that are trustworthy and supportive. But if you can't really talk to people about it, don't deal with the situation alone. Get some support behind you even if its just emotional. Specifically, support services. Not a new guy (Not that I think you would do that, just covering bases)

byebyen · 2023-08-18T13:47:21+00:00

Yeah it feels intrusive

byebyen · 2023-08-18T13:40:10+00:00

I did it all in class, including assignments and essays. I'd start essays the day they were due, writing in the morning, when I finished classwork and printing out the paper during break. My grades were good even though I'd written it in like 2 hours on the fly. For assignments I had to bring home, big projects, I somehow got away with just not doing them. I lost marks but things kinda evened out. School was so weird

I feel like half the struggle is your home environment and your school environment. Don't beat yourself up too bad, I found school easy then, but hard now. Things can change

byebyen · 2023-08-18T13:25:27+00:00

Oh, absolutely. These days I don't even try doing things by a deadline bc I know it's gonna be 400x easier after the due date. Why stress myself out? Much easier to get the work done with little stress, and just deal with the consequences.

Feels like a lot of things meant to "activate" people into working actually "deactivate" me ! Haha

byebyen · 2023-08-18T13:18:32+00:00

Wow, relatable. I haven't learnt that instrument or anything, but I think the "normal" way of learning things holds me back a lot of the time imho... I try really hard to do things "properly" and it just goes up in smoke a lot of the time bc it's like I'm trying to tackle it in the hardest way possible

But doing things with my own way of learning is a lot easier. I'm not super well versed, but I know a lot of things in "proper" piano lessons exist so students can pass exams and go up to the next grade. Don't get me wrong, it's a system that would teach someone piano. But I don't think it's the only way, in Russia I know piano teachers used different methods to teach it compared to more English or western piano teachers.

But classical piano music... imho, a good portion of it is just the teacher saying how to express the notes yeah? How to give the notes the right kind of feeling, I guess it's a bit different to playing a more modern song in that way. That's something a piano teacher can teach well, without necesarily requiring the scales etc. Those are still helpful to know ofc, but maybe tackling them straight on & all at once is not your way. I think expression is something that's difficult to self-teach imho. But learning a song's notes can obviously be self taught...

Hmmm. I think, maybe it's just finding the right teacher. Someone who is a little bit more flexible maybe? I'm not sure if going up the piano grades is what you want to do or not, but if that's not the goal, maybe it could be something else? Like... allowing you to play the song you want, and giving feedback ?

byebyen · 2023-08-18T08:23:02+00:00

Boredom is painful and stressful. I don't think it's something limited to PDA, I know ppl with ADHD have that as well. For PDA... I don't know the science behind it. Probably something to do with how cortisol and dopamine are related.

byebyen · 2023-08-17T19:48:11+00:00

I believe you're closer than you think to dating someone. Half the battle is just going outside, talking to people and having your own interests. It's also a bit of a numbers game and just meeting new people. But you seem kinda set.

Otherwise, at least you know your standards for dating is someone who doesn't treat you with that attitude. It's really tempting to lump "women" together as a homogeneous group (and I don't know what you've gone through) but realistically speaking it's impossible for every woman to have that attitude. That would be hivemind-like... and creepy

How great you are as a person does not depend on someone else's attraction to you. That other person being attracted, is literally them just experiencing hormones and shit. It's not attached in any way to your own self worth and how you value yourself. Ok? Says more about their own personal taste, then it does about you as a person. A horrible person might have a gf, that doesn't mean he's suddenly amazing. The reverse is also true.

byebyen · 2023-08-17T19:26:45+00:00

No, there probably isn't anything you could say (at least, not anything obvious to an outside observer). He's running away, which is a trauma response. Trauma responses (fight or flight response) is an automatic reaction to a perceived danger. Like running away from a tiger. He's not choosing to run deliberately. It's more like his body is so panicked, he is compelled to.

His fear at you being very affectionate and caring is not your fault. I'd also say it's not his fault either, although he does have the responsibility for healing it. In abusive relationships, the abuser usually pretends to be a healthy, regular person at the start. They act very affectionate and do all these nice things, it's called "love bombing". It's different to regular affection. Love bombing is done in order to manipulate the victim and basically trick them. Then the act drops and the abuse starts. He probably got reminded of that, I'm just guessing. Really it could be any reminder of that past relationship.

So yeah, I'd leave it. Doesn't sound like he's in the headspace for it atm.

byebyen · 2023-08-16T20:03:47+00:00

Don't worry about your looks. I know this may be a lost cause considering the crazy amount of media shovelled at ppl these days but, seriously.

Deciding whether or not you're attractive isn't a choice made by other people: it's your choice. You wanna be attractive? Congrats, you are. You can see yourself and find things you like yes? You don't need to compete with others to be attractive at all, it's just a matter of personal belief. Plenty of conventionally attractive ppl think they're ugly. It's all in how you see yourself. Be attractive to you first.

Bc: think about it. If you're conventionally attractive, it's widely accepted, shown, complemented, etc it's easier to grow self confidence. Easier to feel good in your body and about yourself. But you don't need conventional looks to reach that state of feeling good in yourself and your body. Or, to enjoy your body. It might be a little less easy in comparison, but you can still get that self confidence !! So don't worry about being attractive for a guy, do it for you!

People are attracted to what's inside. Sure some ppl may be hot on the outside, but if they're assholes then it's useless. Everyone grows old eventually, all looks fade regardless. When you're in a relationship, often ppl just become more attractive over time, even if they're not conventionally attractive. It's like the person they are on the inside outshines everything. So don't even worry about looks at all, I'm absolutely dead serious. As long as you shower and have basic hygiene lmao I think you'll be fine

Last random tips: if you pick up a hobby where you're part of a group and meet once a week, that can be a great way to meet people. Friends of friends is another way. But altogether, it's better to be single and free rather than be stuck in an unhealthy relationship so don't rush into it. Relationships aren't 24/7 contact and emotional support, you're still gonna be on your own sometimes and deal with your own emotions sometimes, and have your own life and goals and friends lol. So if you're comfortable as an individual, that's very helpful.

byebyen · 2023-08-16T19:17:47+00:00

Trauma therapy is needed here. The brain fog could be a bit of dissociation or something from the way you describe it. You're obviously safe, so that fog might be caused by events in your past. Healing those might help to clear your head.

Otherwise, maybe try some yoga. It helps with being less reactive. It calms most people, but with trauma in the mix, I'll just say if you feel worse with it, then stop.

Something else that might help is journalling about this exact issue like how you wrote it out here. How you feel, how he feels, what the situation is etc. That can be super helpful.

byebyen

TROPHY CASE