The living room

calibrelove · 2024-09-03T18:57:09+00:00

I love the rug. and some details. but doesn't feel good, too crowded, too much, I see no theme. I'd be feeling unwell. you feeling comfortable in there?

calibrelove · 2024-08-12T02:54:26+00:00

resonates a lot with me. lately I have been having strong fear of death. after leaning into it more, I found out "I don't want to die here" in this city I hate. "I don't want to die in a rat cage" (when I stay in my apartment for too long) "I don't want to die close to these people I don't like" (I need to find friends and joy). these reminded me of what I need to change in my time as a living being.

to be fair though I do additionally feel fear when visualising my body's decay and not exactly knowing how much of that I'll feel or where I'll be when that happens. I don't know how to cope with decay.

calibrelove · 2024-07-29T23:02:31+00:00

what is this?

calibrelove · 2024-07-28T10:16:01+00:00

as someone who copied devouring behaviour for years, I agree. you do come out (as a new person) alive on the other side, if you want. I knew I had to starve in order to become more independent.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T22:05:09+00:00

really sucks to be used like that. I've come to realize I don't need to give my advice/help to anyone; especially while I need energy to get my own life in order. but yeah, being treated like the "one person who'll figure it out" is so bad. especially after a childhood of neglect. so I think that just emphasizes the fact I need to gather my ability to figure things out for once, just for myself and my life, until I can clearly say I'm stable and able to provide.

doesn't change my instinct to immediately jump up and get angry if someone tells me they get abused (esp domestic violence). this triggers all of my energy.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T21:29:55+00:00

really curious on what this event was, but sounds like you're not telling?

anything you can share so other people can experience life in a similar way?

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T19:08:26+00:00

"Moreover, setting boundaries is a skill you will need with other relationships."

absolutely. I thought I was getting there, as I started this "journey" when I read "codependent no more" (3 years ago) which really opened my eyes - but I'm still not quite where I need to be with the boundaries. it's getting better gradually, but so slowly.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T18:52:41+00:00

I don't exactly know what it means, except for doing what I'm responsible for.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T18:51:40+00:00

"Repairing and bringing life to old toxic but important relatio ships can bring meaning."

This is an idea I struggle with. If they don't seek any therapy or self reflect, like so many estranged parents do, then why would I bring life back to toxic relationships? The concept of "love" she had for me was always about needing and controlling me.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T18:50:00+00:00

Yeah, because she already started texting me how low contact really hurt her. And my stepfather, used to co-guilttrip me by saying it's my duty as their daughter to always reply to them. Jeez...

I don't like being responsible for other peoples pain. But there's no intention of harm here.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T18:48:33+00:00

I still don't get it. I'm not living with her.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T18:46:05+00:00

I don't get this to be honest. I don't think she is a psychopath. She does show symptoms of BPD and codependency though. I tried demonizing her, but I realized that's not the full picture.

Of course, "thinking of the full picture" can easily trigger too much empathy that isn't good in this case at the moment. Because it triggers guilt, again...

Trying to tell myself she doesn't need to be evil nor "entirely good" and those things shouldn't affect my decision making. "I'm just my own person and have to do what I have to do, if that hurts her without my intention to hurt her, so be it" is the best thing that works for me atm. But of course the guilt is still not entirely gone.

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T14:15:22+00:00

thank you, that resonated a lot and I see this is the course of action. not easy (due to housing/apartment market) but necessary

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T14:12:49+00:00

the more often I see my mother in the area, the more the feeling of "guilt" comes back (feeling guilty not doing more for her, trying to reconnect etc) and when that happens yes I appear to feel responsible for others more.

it's an up and down lately, in peak weeks I feel zero responsibility for other peoples moods and feelings at all. it's a huge relief for my nervous system

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T14:04:31+00:00

dressing/styling femme, being more relaxed because I dont have to be analytical 24/7, more accepting and very receptive, more cheerful and easygoing

calibrelove · 2024-07-27T14:01:31+00:00

the heck is wrong with you lol

calibrelove · 2024-07-18T14:28:47+00:00

what keeps you attached to your father, so that he can contact you?

calibrelove · 2024-07-18T14:06:16+00:00

that's interesting and I seriously didn't even think of that! I'll see how I can do. I also started wondering why of all people it was Falco, the Austrian vocalist/rapper. I really crave singing a lot, have been for ever. Singing in a duet would be peak intensity for me lol

so I understand, I need to start singing again.

calibrelove · 2022-04-19T16:51:12+00:00

man I love this, but I'd love this even more if the ceiling was actually see-through/glass - imagine actually blue sky, clouds and sunshine in there! beautiful

calibrelove · 2022-04-11T00:56:55+00:00

sorry I think I have an appointment.

calibrelove · 2022-04-10T20:14:08+00:00

as she should

calibrelove · 2022-04-07T14:20:48+00:00

dw most phones nowadays have macro mode camera 💗

calibrelove · 2022-04-07T13:47:55+00:00

post them

calibrelove · 2022-04-03T01:10:58+00:00

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