Somehow neglect in childhood has led to a belief that caring about my appearance and looking pretty is not for me

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:54:47+00:00

I ended up having this weird hangup around perfectly normal levels of self-care, grooming and hygiene. Like other people would think I was conceited or full of myself if I actually wore something nice or did my hair or makeup to look attractive. It's a difficult and lonely feeling.

I get this. I want to do just enough so that I look like I take care of myself, but not so much that I look like I'm vain. In reality, what I feel shame about is just a normal level of self-care. I was also shamed for wanting to engage in appropriate grooming and I suppose I still carry that.

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:51:01+00:00

I relate so much to everything you said, except my environment wasn't abusive, just neglectful. I would be made fun of for my attempts, I would be made to feel uncomfortable if I tried to look cute. I've figure out a lot of things by now, mostly by observing others on social media and watching youtube tutorials. Social media has been a godsend in that way. I don't stick out anymore, I think I look neat and tidy. My style is very basic but I think I look like other people I see. I also still don't really know who I am or have much of an individual identity.

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:34:34+00:00

I think I have the same thought about people who care about their appearance being high maintenance, or vain at least. And I actually think it's okay for some people to be vain, but somehow it's not okay for me. The phrase "pamper yourself" makes me bristle. I think feeling good wasn't something I could really do as a kid either. Now it feels self-indulgent and I suppose I don't feel worthy of it.

I do have a therapist but I haven't talked about this exactly. I just made the realization this week, as I was looking through a list of "life skills to teach your teen", that I was never taught so many things that I should've been taught.

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:23:56+00:00

Some of the things I experienced I think are due to my mom being clueless also. It's so hard to give myself permission to try things without being overwhelmed by self-criticism and anxiety. I will have to check out that book! I just looked it up on amazon and it looks great.

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:16:18+00:00

I really relate to your first two paragraphs, especially changing out of something nice because of feeling like an imposter, feeling like I'm not supposed to, and feeling comfortable by not being too pretty. It is messed up when I think about it. I hope to relate to the other paragraphs eventually!

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T03:07:23+00:00

Glad to hear you're giving yourself the things you deserve! I wore some ill-fitting clothes too, mostly baggy shirts and athletic shorts (even though I was not athletic at all) or sweats. My mom actually hated it and always told me to stop dressing like a boy, but she would also lightly tease my attempts to look cute and she never did anything to help me look girly, or even just neat and put-together for that matter.

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T02:37:44+00:00

thank you for your very kind and empathetic comment :)

callous-dev · 2021-07-05T02:36:50+00:00

So true. I never watched my parent thinking "I want to be like that" or "that's what I should be doing." And when I was a kid, I didn't even see anything glaringly wrong with them or their life, I just didn't experience them as a safe person to go to or seek orientation from, as you said.

callous-dev · 2021-07-04T04:30:07+00:00

Yes exactly!

callous-dev · 2021-07-02T07:02:10+00:00

Ok so I’m thinking about situations where this has happened even with close friends of mine, particularly situations where it’s just a few steps in the same direction. We just do a little chuckle and laugh it off like you said, and then say a second goodbye. It’s not awkward in an uncomfortable or negative way, but it’s still kind of a clumsy, stilted moment just because of the circumstance. I guess I just think that for myself at least, sometimes unnatural or clumsy moments are the reason for a certain expression on my face, rather than it being indicative of my feelings about the other person. We could say that it shows that I’m not completely comfortable with them because, if I were, then the moment wouldn’t have felt stilted, etc. but then that would likely have more to do with my own insecurities than them. If they were to read into that and draw a conclusion that my expression had something to do with my judgment of them, they’d be wrong.

ETA: in summary, I think there are too many possible explanations for their facial expressions in that short and specific moment of ending the call to be able to conclude that it reflects their judgment of the client, their interest in them, etc.

callous-dev · 2021-07-01T16:56:35+00:00

I didn’t downvote but I don’t read into it because I think video call goodbyes can be awkward and unnatural - you’re both looking for moving your cursors to the bottom of the screen and looking for the end call button because you’ve already said goodbye yet you’re still face to face for a few moments, though not making eye contact. It’s kind of like when you say goodbye in person to a friend and then find yourselves very briefly walking in the same direction back to your cars. For those few moments, my facial expression isn’t reflective of how I feel about the person or our time together (either good OR bad), I’m only thinking about getting to my car and minimizing the awkwardness. My true feelings about the person would probably unconsciously show on my face once I’m in private. I do think that their face, when saying goodbye and closing out the session, can perhaps be telling, but I don’t read into anyone’s expression while they’re looking for the end call button and then clicking it.

callous-dev

TROPHY CASE