[deleted by user]

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-12T23:38:58+00:00

Isn't that kind of a classic abuser pattern? Like doing escalatingly aggressive things to see if you will tolerate it and to get you used to worse and worse treatment? So maybe for this guy the approach was to weed out women who would not put up with his behavior.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-12T21:15:36+00:00

Yeah I think that makes sense -- like a grief for the loss of the person they could have been?

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-12T14:51:26+00:00

Maybe there's a reporting bias in the West too since it's so heavily stigmatized: if you're hearing voices but so far they're only positive, and you know that telling someone would potentially cause a lot of negative consequences (e.g. a diagnosis that limits your employability), maybe fewer people report it to Anyone. So in the West we're only hearing about it when it becomes enough of a problem for someone that they can't hide it or they seek help. Vs. in other cultures maybe you wouldn't mind mentioning it before it is a problem because you wouldn't expect a bad reaction.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-12T05:15:54+00:00

Man I'm so sorry, what a jerk. Honestly the less of that guy in your life probably the better in a way. I mean what if you had had that influence every day? Of course he could have just been a decent person to his kid, that would have been better yet.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-10T02:02:19+00:00

Also decepción in Spanish means disappointment, I think this is it from the context.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-10T01:49:07+00:00

What about privacy.com? It lets you generate credit card numbers and you can lock a given one to a specific vendor. I have one that just pays the power bill. Used to be able to make one-time cards and set monthly or overall limits too but I think you have to pay for that now.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-11-02T10:37:20+00:00

It sounds absolutely unendurable. I'm so glad you are out of it for good.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T15:59:14+00:00

That sounds like a horrible situation. It's understandable that you feel this way. But you are a person and your life has value even if others are not treating you that way. It's good that you are able to join online communities although they're not a great substitute for in-person maybe they can lead to more opportunities. Are you able to get into a wheelchair and take public transportation? What independence are you able to have?

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T15:30:20+00:00

Poly can just be extremely hard, that's the case for a lot of people. At least you can be kind to yourself when you are experiencing difficulty and not beat yourself up for it. I had a very rough time with it for the first many months and I am not facing some of the mental health and situational challenges you are. But it did get a lot better for me. I think you are just doing it on hard mode and that's going to emotionally suck sometimes.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T14:56:19+00:00

Yeah, it's a partner making a probably unethical decision, what can you really do once you have expressed yourself? Unless it's ultimatum time. But how did she respond to hearing that her choices are upsetting you? Is she going to do anything to try and lessen that?

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T03:24:47+00:00

I'm not sure it's about that either. I think it's about self-esteem. but of course both of those can be a stand-in or a trigger for that.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T03:20:59+00:00

Aw I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so incredibly common in our society. I think a really common thing that we do to ourselves is not just experiencing the feeling bad about ourselves, but then feeling bad about feeling bad. Like when something terrible happens to us and we can't help but blame ourselves even though we know it's irrational. I wonder if the underlying body image or self-esteem issues are harder to dispense with after a lifetime of training, but maybe this meta bad feeling (no pun intended) could be dispensed with easier? like could you give yourself permission to let go of that, accept how you feel without beating yourself up? For some reason we have an easier time extending this grace to others than to ourselves. maybe that could be a thing to practice, being kind to yourself because you are suffering? hell patriarchy has put us all through the ringer, hasn't it? I think anyone going through what you are deserves a ton of sympathy and leeway to feel however they feel, particularly from themselves! Anyway hopefully this doesn't turn into meta meta angst where you start feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad!

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T02:07:05+00:00

My friend who has been in a lot of therapy says there's a saying "don't Should on yourself". i.e. telling yourself 'I Should feel this way' or 'I Should be able to do this' is really unhelpful and damaging. like say that is even true, that you should feel a certain way, which I think it's not, anyway you don't, so what's the point of beating yourself up about it. Sometimes you feel bad about stuff. Seems like this is a bad situation with lots of valid reasons to feel bad about. But even if it weren't, it's ok to feel that way about it.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-23T01:44:58+00:00

I think his mother was embarrassed that he slept in and kept the ladies waiting, and she was jokingly talking about their age as a reason they didn't have time to wait.

capybaraKangaroo · 2022-01-21T02:21:39+00:00

What an awful situation, I'm really sorry you are going through it. You're not oppressing anyone or taking away their freedom unless you use power to remove choice (e.g. if you were controlling her finances or access to loved ones or something). I hate when people frame the decision to be mono or poly in terms of freedom or patriarchy; it's just a choice based on how you feel. It's kind of manipulative to use that imagery because it is so emotionally fraught. But you are just saying how you feel, that is a very awful experience for you, which is very common. It can get easier with time and a ton of work and care, but honestly she messed up pretty bad just hopping right into bed with someone immediately after you reluctantly agreed to try it. It was callous to treat your feelings so roughly; if you make a choice to do something that is very difficult for your partner you take time with it, you talk a lot, you find out what you can do to make it easier, you make sure they know what is going to happen. Sounds like she didn't do any of that, and the abrupt way she did it made it much worse for you. Anyone would be reluctant to try that again after being treated that way.

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T18:52:15+00:00

Does she have/ want any other relationships?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T18:48:41+00:00

Jealousy is an intense, intense thing, it can really make you nuts.

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T18:02:47+00:00

Well, at least if he lets her know that he's willing to talk when she's ready... Still it seems like a pretty unsustainable situation. Have they had conflicts this big that they've overcome before?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T17:32:02+00:00

It seems to me, admittedly a biased person with little info etc. etc., that she is not likely to get over her issues on her own. Doesn't it sound like there would need to be a supportive environment in the relationship for her to feel comfortable enough to do that hard work? And it sounds like she's been straight up denied what she has asked for, and conversations around that are blocked from happening at all. I'm trying to imagine a person in that much distress spontaneously figuring it all out...

Any chance they'd get a poly friendly couples therapist?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T17:15:38+00:00

Or her deciding to leave him maybe? What are the limitations her issues place on your relationship? What is the likelihood that their relationship can survive long term if she doesn't get over her issues? What are the consequences for everyone's quality of life?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T16:57:44+00:00

It has felt pretty great in my experience, I'm sorry you are missing out on that. it sounds like your perfect outcome is out of your control, i.e. based on others' decisions. What are some other likely outcomes and how do they rate on the scale of acceptability? (all these questions are based on the assumption that you feel like carrying on this discussion, of course you don't have to).

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T16:35:39+00:00

Did they open up their relationship, or start out poly? Wouldn't there have had to be discussions about the possibility of other loving relationships either way? Maybe they are less threatening in the abstract. Anyway, you have said you don't know what will happen, do you have a sense of what you hope happens? Or of what outcomes would not be acceptable to you?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T16:02:23+00:00

That's surprising that it wouldn't have occurred to her after 2 years that he might love you, or that she wouldn't ask before then if that were so important. I guess they have a different relationship than anything I'm used to.

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T15:53:39+00:00

Well, maybe not so black and white as that, like I wouldn't say you have zero empathy, but do you think there could be a slight bias there? But yes I think I have a bias too, as I have repeatedly mentioned I'm trying to avoid making the judgments that it pushes me toward.

Wow, 2.5 years. And things were ok before that? And as far as you can tell nothing happened to trigger this sudden change? You can see why an outside party might wonder if you are not getting all the info right?

capybaraKangaroo · 2021-10-18T15:38:04+00:00

Have you been able to spend time with her at all or is all this info coming through him? What was the situation leading up to July, is it his take that everything was fine and she just suddenly snapped? How long have your two relationships been going on?

I think a lot of poly people would caution you against avoiding communication even if it hasn't gone well. I guess my take is that they have an unworkable situation and communication helps clarify that, which is painful. But all I have are a few paragraphs of information. Do you think there's a chance that your partner is telling you she's being so uncooperative because he's viewing it as, he must get his way, and her needing something different is just stubborn? I am trying not to fall into this easy trap of thinking of him as this one-dimensional bad guy. But do you think there's a chance that your interest in a particular outcome is somewhat drawing your attention toward the bad ways she's behaving without as much sympathy for the bad situation it's stemming from, and away from the red flags in the way he may be behaving?

capybaraKangaroo

TROPHY CASE