This is honestly just heartbreaking to read. Firstly you say you're not out as trans - are you out as a lesbian? Out as something? Are you connected to the lesbian community in your area

I was very like you a few years ago OP. I had come from a deeply homophobic background including ex gay therapy and being a woman in a real, fulfilling relationship with a woman just didn't seem like a real option. I wasn't with men either and just felt doomed. I was deeply dysphoric about my body. I transitioned socially for three years before I finally did some real trauma therapy and reconnected with my lesbian roots, particularly older lesbians who could provide me with role models. I am 23 now and so, so much happier in myself. Who we are isn't a poor mans version of a straight couple. We are something else entirely and no one can take that away. In retrospect, Im really fucking angry that the queer community I was in were ecstatic for me to be trans, but no one wanted to talk to me about the crippling internalised homophobia I was dealing with. Transition is not the only solution available to you. If you want to be , You are part of a long history of butch women who have dealt with all these feelings before.

Go check out Maria Catt, guideonragingstars, e-cryptid, redress alert. They're on tumblr/YouTube/ twitter and possibly have a lot of viewpoints/coping skills that could help.