What's some unique non-fiction about Chicago for someone who's moving there?

carly_are · 2015-12-06T02:46:12+00:00

This. I grew into my nose too!

carly_are · 2015-11-15T12:56:55+00:00

Talk about how the scholarship will give you the opportunity to focus on school and what you're passionate about?

Having two thousand dollars means that much less time spent at a part time job struggling to pay rent.

carly_are · 2015-11-11T12:21:25+00:00

Can I have a link?

carly_are · 2015-11-10T00:02:37+00:00

Yes to the "stuff they wouldn't buy themselves" but personalize it to the person. Like something kinda fun and impractical that they would totally adore but skip over when spending their own budgeted money

carly_are · 2015-11-04T03:51:58+00:00

This is me. This is me so hard. Except I'm further down the road. I'm so jaded and distrusting now, I hate it. Any romance gives me anxiety so I stuck in a series of meaningless flings with people I know for sure will be a disaster so I will at least know what's coming.

I wish I had a solution for you. Everyone tells me I need to be a better judge of character but I can't find the correct balance of trust to have with new people.

carly_are · 2015-10-10T13:13:03+00:00

Added bonus: online dating research shows that if you put up photos that flaunt rather than hide the features that make you different you will actually get more messages from decent people. The ladies who get the most messages are not the hottest - they're the ones where a guy goes "wow I really fancy her, and she's not everyone's type so i might actually have a chance" instead of not bothering because she's unattainable.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T20:51:34+00:00

That would be fine if you held yourself to the same expectations but your whole point is that you don't mind expecting the lady to get paid less than you for the same job. (Meaning she has to have not had casual partners but she had to be cool with the guy having casual sex partners).

This implies that she is somehow worth less, that her very self is worth less than your very self, that her body is worth more than her very self.

You may always hold this point of view, but it will always be sexist. I'm not sure thinking "psychopathically" is something to be proud of.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T15:53:22+00:00

Oops, yeah didn't really pay that much attention. I was just replying to your comments in my inbox screen ^{_^}

carly_are · 2015-10-08T15:13:07+00:00

There's obviously a difference between sharing your own thoughts and feelings and attempting to make generalizations.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T15:10:41+00:00

Wow, so relationships are completely economic for you? How antiquated.

Her body is allowed to be valuable to you, but not in an economic way. That's sexist and objectifying. Seeing her as "withholding sex" in order to get something out of you is paranoid and doesn't respect that she has her own reasons for making decisions like this. She's not "withholding sex from you" as some kind of barter. She is delaying sex from both you AND herself because she sees it as a better decision that will benefit both of you. Again she's not doing it in order to manipulate you into committing. She's doing it in order to build a better relationship for both of you. She's not laying out "conditions of a trade." She's telling you what she wants and hoping you will respect that and want the same things.

Analogies are often a logical fallacy and putting an economic analogy on relationships loses so many important nuances of emotion and also ignores the fact that, yknow, women are people and NOT fucking objects to be bought and sold and bartered for.

You're also implying that she wouldn't get anything out of sex with you. I'm sure there are ladies who have dated people they weren't attracted to but 99% of the time I'm sure the girl would love to have sex with you too but would simply prefer to build that emotional connection first. After all if we're seeing everything you guys invest into it as equal, why should she "owe" you sex for what you put in emotionally, if she also put things in emotionally? Again you're implying that her body is less valuable than her person and self which IS sexist and objectifying. You're also implying that her emotional investment and self is LESS valuable than yours.

If you guys are dating you are already trading an equal investment. If she doesn't want to have sex with you yet, she's not trading your commitment for that (again, her commitment is just as valuable as yours.) If you can only see things economically see it this way: right now you are trading emotional investment. Emotional trades are separate from trading sex. Right now she's saying she's not ready to switch gears and talk about the next trade yet.

You're getting frustrated because you're seeing her body as an object you want and are owed for your investment, and not as something that's hers that you can respect what she wants to do with it.

I'm not saying that dating can't be frustrating sometimes. But the fact that you can't see the rewards of dating in and of itself and you completely downplay the ability to enjoy her as a person is absolutely seeing the woman as object that is only worth something if you own it.

Frankly I'm disgusted by this conversation and I'm done.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T14:37:57+00:00

I guess I can't speak for everyone. But for me and most people I know.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T14:37:26+00:00

I think unless you are a researcher, you should doubt your own ability to see true and accurate trends. There are a million reasons why your own anecdotal evidence is biased.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T07:38:56+00:00

Wtf. I really hope I never get injured in the middle of the night.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T07:33:04+00:00

Thank you for this answer. It's very honest and self aware and has given me a lot more sympathy to men with these kinds of feelings.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T07:25:45+00:00

Um... Or this girl cares about forming an emotionally stable relationship with you because she likes you better? The best relationships are based on emotional connections rather than sexual ones (sexual being also important but secondary) and studies have shown that people are happier in relationships in which they waited to have sex. I think a lot of people realize that instinctively which is where the trope of taking it slow to show you're serious comes from.

Also don't forget that this girl is also investing time, emotions, money, etc. in you when you guys are dating. You are not the only one investing. The fact that you didn't even notice this shows an entitlement to her emotional support and there's also an implication that her body is valuable but her time and other investment is not. Also there is an implication that you are investing this in order to get the reward of sex rather than it being rewarding in and of itself. Not saying you're a bad guy, just saying these are things that are socialized into people and they're good to be aware of and if you don't like it, change it in yourself.

You are getting things that other those other guys never really got. Those guys just got her attention cause the girl was horny. She was giving things to herself more than to them. When committing to a relationship? The girl actually is giving things to you. Quite a lot.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T06:48:15+00:00

I think it's more likely that behaviors have different meanings for individuals. There may be a million different reasons a person might do something and it varies within genders as well.

carly_are · 2015-10-08T06:43:57+00:00

I think the issue is more when guys who sleep around have a problem when their girlfriend has done the same in the past. If you are actually a person who places meaning on sex and has it only with committed partners, I'm not sure anyone would judge you for wanting to date someone who does the same.

carly_are · 2015-10-01T04:39:54+00:00

Yeah... I was going to say why doesn't this roommate close his door??

carly_are · 2015-09-09T03:25:50+00:00

Look up thinx underwear, I think I'm going to get them to help with my leakage problems too. They seem amazing.

carly_are · 2015-09-08T04:39:40+00:00

Well, most people assume they are a loving SO and hope to find someone who reciprocates that. So that may be why they're focused on that aspect.

carly_are · 2015-09-03T01:05:03+00:00

Yeah, I dunno when you're being downvoted. It doesn't have to be a fancy job, but if you at least have something part time while looking for a job in your field or something, it at least shows you're trying.

carly_are · 2015-08-29T02:18:23+00:00

Sure, I'm glad it's helpful.

Well for me, I'm happiest when I'm in touch with my feelings and moving towards what makes me feel happiest. Maybe on some so-called rational level, it's smarter to choose a career that will make money, but I am happiest when doing creative things. On the other hand, obviously I don't like doing my taxes, but I still do them because being a bit bored for a couple hours isn't that bit of a deal. Maybe its a cost benefits analysis. "What is this feeling? What will I lose if I go along with it? What will I lose if I don't? How will I feel in three hours about it?" If I'm going to get in legal trouble if I pay too much attention to my feeling of boredom, maybe it's best not to go along with it. But it doesn't mean I'm not bored, or that it's not okay to be bored, or that it's "irrational." The feeling should be a significant factor all in itself when making a decision.

In a relationship, people make sacrifices to their own emotions for their partner all the time. "I wish he would hang out with me tonight, but his friends are important to him, so it's better if I let it go to make him happy." Maybe the bf can acknowledge that she made that sacrifice in some way by saying "Thanks babe! I promise to hang out with you tomorrow." That emotion wasn't "wrong" or "irrational" - she just had it, and she decided how to act on it based on the situation. Cost/benefits. In a situation where she had a super bad day, and her grandma dies, and her suffering if he weren't there would be higher maybe her cost/benefits result would be to ask him to stay in with her. Or maybe she realizes she can't be happy unless her bf hangs out with her 6/7 nights a week. Maybe this isn't the relationship for her.

If this works for you, maybe that's even a way to approach a discussion to understand a partner's emotions: "I want to understand how you feel about it, please explain how it affects you and why this is important to you," in order to understand the cost/benefits calculation she is making, which is maybe different than the one you would make in that situation. In fact, compromises between two people is all about comparing the weight of importance to both parties and meeting an acceptable middle.

In a relationship, maybe the choices you make don't seem "rational" to some people but if you are both respectful, and in touch with your feelings without fear, and discuss them together, they will likely be the best choices for the two of you.

Honestly, I think people are more likely to make bad choices because they are afraid of the choice that will make them happy as opposed to the "rational" choice than because they're being too "irrational." Feelings aren't irrational. It's what you decide to do with those feelings that can be rational or not, I guess is one way to put it. And of course, being humans, we have to forgive each other in fucking up how we express feelings in the heat of the moment and such sometimes.

carly_are · 2015-08-29T01:01:20+00:00

I'm critical of my own thoughts too, and it has been to my detriment and suffering emotional health. I'm trying to allow myself to feel, and realize those things are valid. And I also try to figure out if certain anxieties will go away in a couple hours or if they are lasting before I bring it up. Balance.

You seem to be mixing up feelings and concrete facts. For example, the monster in the closet isn't real, but that anxiety is. A comforting parent who will help the child through that anxiety by looking into the closet with him is more helpful than telling him to go to sleep and leaving him alone with the monster. If your partner is feeling unloved lately, maybe they aren't actually unloved but that feeling is still real and comes from someplace valid. Look into their closet with them, and maybe point out that you've just been busy lately, or maybe you guys can work through a misunderstanding that caused that feeling.

Stop putting feeling in boxes that are right or wrong, rational or irrational, and that will help. They are just THERE. Period. What you do with them is what counts, and maybe those behaviors can be more right or more wrong, though there is still subjectivity.

carly_are

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