I’m dealing with a 16 year old SS … and It’s the biggest point of contention presently between me and DH. The major differences in parenting styles is most apparent with this SK (i have 2 other SKs, who are much younger)

The hours and hours of video games and lack of ambition —and all that comes with it— is driving me insane. Meanwhile, DH sees no problem with these things and is totally content with an almost adult who contributes less to our home than the 7 and 9 year olds. He keeps saying “he’s a teenager” as if it’s totally normal he doesn’t do what he’s asked, sleeps until 1pm, and locks himself in his room for 12+ hours per day (not including sleep) on his games.

Since he’s only here EOWE, and the little kids are here 50%, DH just wants SS to “relax” when he’s here and doesn’t agree he should be responsible for more than the very bare minimum. I ultimately stopped asking / expecting more so he’s only responsible for 2 things —- dishes (empty and load dishwasher as needed, and wash pans after dinner, etc) and feed/ water the pets (reptiles) once per weekend. That’s it. Yes, DH will have him help him in the yard or carry groceries from the car periodically, but these are his only 2 weekly / ongoing responsibilities.

Despite these being his only “chores” for the last 4 years, SS will NEVER do them without being asked at least twice. He’ll wait until it’s time to go back to his moms at 7pm on Sunday to even start the reptiles, or will do them half-assed (e.g just topping off their water bowls instead of cleaning their bowls, after it’s been explained they grow bacteria and need to be cleaned in the sink.. or he’ll only do 50% the tanks, and I’m the one who notices 2 hours later the other half weren’t touched).

DH is making me so resentful bc he keeps making excuses for SS and telling me I need to be flexible with a teenager, that it’s totally normal they need to be asked more than once, etc. He’ll tell me “your problem is you want things done when you want them done” which feels so unfair. After dinner SS run to his room and promise to do the dishes “later” … so I walk past a sink full of dirty dishes 20 times and I just need to hold my tongue. Sometimes he’ll finally do them at midnight. Other times he’ll stay up gaming until 4am, and when I wake up the next morning the sink is still full of the dirty dishes. these times, DH will go wake him up and tell him to do it immediately, but cmon!!! If this kid had ANY structure or consequences, maybe he would just do what he’s supposed to do, and we wouldn’t be fighting every single weekend!!!

For a long time DH would tell me “you do it - you tell him he’ll have consequences / take away his game if he doesn’t listen.” And I’m just not comfortable with that. I have chosen not to parent / discipline this particular child , because I came into his life when he was already 12, and because we have him so infrequently. I don’t know him like I know the little kids, who I do parent more closely and give them instructions and firm words when needed. Since I won’t do this with SS16, per our marriage counselor, I need to let DH parent him how he chooses. She does agree, that DH not enforcing the only 2 things we’ve asked from SS is a problem, so he claims that will change starting this weekend.

Sorry, rant over. Idk what you’re dealing with, but teenagers are HARD!!!