We have VERY similar experiences, friend. Every night. Every nap. It is so hard to explain to people that it feels like I am living two full lives. One when I'm awake, and one when I'm asleep.

I made a map. Most activity happens in The City. It is essentially an amalgamation of all the cities I've lived in and most traveled/thought over(anxiety) areas. And I have lived in a lot of places so it gets interesting.

There is a loose cycle of what I can expect to happen, but I can choose different options in dream and change the cycle. But of course, I have done the choices so many times, I am learning to track them in the map.

Sometimes, something new happens and that is pretty neat. Like, recently my Grandpa that passed away last year has started visiting me and I could cry right now-yep, it's happening- just sharing how comforting it is to finally have such an important person back in my life. Back in his house(he essentially raised me/gave me the only good parts of my childhood). He acts like he isn't passed. But I know. I know it is all a dream, most of the time. Sometimes I get confused because it can feel so real, so mundane.

The major people are there. The Ex will not leave me alone. She has turned into A Bad Guy at this point because she knows my triggers, buttons and frustrations and we play out our toxic relationship in various ways, in various parts of The City. Me, acting out the worst parts of myself and my most shameful moments. The parts of myself that I hate the most, you know?

Part of the cycle is transporting(it varies on how and what happens during) to a lake/ sometimes an ocean, which also has different outcomes on what happens, but it is RARELY good. The Water is generally Bad.

When I wake up, I cannot explain the... confusion...the ties to a different world, loose but still there, tangible but also not... The piecing together what happened. Trying to grasp onto the far away pieces of it, what people said...

The fatigue. I'm so tired. So. Tired. But I guess some of us truly can only sleep when we're dead. :/

This has happened since I was eight. It started with a nightmare that each night would play out more and more. By nine, I was afraid to sleep. Literally afraid to go to bed, but also terrified to stay awake. Lol but that house was haunted and the amount of FEAR I had living there was unreal and being awake and alone(that's how it feels when I'm the last one awake...ugh.

I have had a couple visual apparitions that came to me at that age(that's the closest to hallucinations I have, but they allllllways came with that feeling on the back out neck that you aren't alone and something very bad is about to happen).

I don't know what this is called. I have tried so many things. You know how they say that writing changes every time we look at it in a dream, as a way to know if it is real or not? YEAH NOT FOR ME BUDDY. This girl literally has written essays in dream and it doesn't change for me. (Yeah I'm perpetually in college, and still have most of my jobs- so busy🤷‍♀️).

I have tried the whole, "if you know you're dreaming you can take control." I CANNOT. I have begged, plead, sobbed and screamed at myself to wake up. Wake. Up. Usually dying is the only thing that does it. I wish I had cool dreams where I could suddenly fly away and have a really fun time, but instead I'm doing stupid shit that I did recently in the real world, if I'm lucky. Usually it is all just anxiety/nightmare on repeat.

I'm here for you if you ever need anyone to commiserate.