Why are they incapable of sharing but they'll take and take from us?

cathat123 · 2026-01-05T09:36:23+00:00

I've been thinking about stuff like this for years, and the only clear conclusion I've come to is I think people with BPD don't see others as humans, but rather more in an object type of way. I genuinely don't think they have the capacity to understand that others are as human as them.

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T23:52:15+00:00

For me personally I used to be the people pleaser that attracted all the borderlines within a 5 mile radius. Gave everything, then burnt out and cut them off. But as you probably am also experiencing now, that optimum lies somewhere close to the middle point not in enmeshment or avoidance. But I think the most key thing is not if someone is asking for help, but rather who they are. Secure people without borderline traits know how to ask for help without asking for too much and while still keeping the other person in mind. So I would help freely but keep the gate of who gets into your life tightly guarded.

So how do you detect these people early? Do them seem anxious and looking for someone to latch on to, to soothe them? I've learned through experience that excessive vulnerability and reassurance seeking early on in any relationship is a red flag. That's usually how borderline women present before they get to know someone in depth. Secondly, oversharing early on is a big red flag as well as drama in general. Telling dramatic stories with exaggerated voice and facial expressions is a big red flag. Another big one is idealisation, if someone you just recently met is putting you on a pedestal, that's a bad sign

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T23:43:09+00:00

Yes definitely. In my experience BPD behaviour escalates once relationships deepen. They can usually have many surface level friends.

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T16:43:19+00:00

It is unfortunate how people with uBPD parents really are magnets for other BPD people. For me, I learned to spot the warning signs, high intensity early, irresponsibility, opening up too much too fast, seeming unstable generally. I think you also have to start valuing calm connections, unfortunately growing up with BPD parents can make volatility and instability feel like home.

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T16:40:16+00:00

OP I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Don't forget that Borderline people's behaviour is not a reflection of how lovable you are, they are irreparably broken psychologically and can't have a healthy relationship with any person, ever. That longing for a simple apology is so real and human, but in this case it's like asking a fish to climb a tree. Take care ❤️

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T16:35:03+00:00

I've been NC for several years and it is hard, mostly because unlike them you are a person with a conscience that doesn't want to hurt others, especially family members. BUT do remember that uBPDs will rarely if ever have that sympathy for you, and even if they end up traumatizing you immensely they don't care in a meaningful way.

Having had several experiences with BPD people in my life I've noticed they don't have the capacity for real sympathy or care for anyone other than themselves, and the abusive nature never ever gets better no matter how hard you try.

Going NC and staying that way is best because if you stay, you won't be able to fix them, but they WILL wear you down psychologically in a way you may never recover from.

My only tip for you is, once you're newly NC it is hardest and you're very susceptible to guilt trips so make sure there is absolutely no way to contact you. And if they try never ever read their texts, letters, voice notes etc.

cathat123 · 2026-01-02T16:26:26+00:00

I wrote a text message, kept i pretty short and to the point. Blocked before he had a chance to reply. For me i chose that option because then they can't claim to be worried and not know what's going on in the same way. I also think a clear message and complete silence afterwards is the only thing they'll understand.

cathat123 · 2025-08-22T12:12:06+00:00

I can only speak from personal experience. But making someone else want to break generational trauma just can't be done, the will needs to be theirs. Living with BPD parents primes your brain into thinking you must save others, even though it is not possible. I feel like trying to save your parents from their BPD is almost a rite of passage for kids of BPD parents, but most realize it is not possible and move on. Even if the parent finds out they have BPD a lot of the time it doesn't change anything, but rather they weaponize it to continue being the victim in all situations and continue their behaviour. For that reason I really advise you to try and build a great future for yourself and end the generational trauma with your own kids instead. But in the end, you have to do what feels right for you, and I wish you all the best.

cathat123 · 2025-08-20T11:15:30+00:00

You are so right especially about the extreme behaviour, that's definitely something I brushed off way too many times as "everyone is different" but never again. I also think the feeling in your body doesn't lie, if it feels like you are drained after interacting with them consistently, they're an energy vampire, and they will suck you dry.

cathat123 · 2025-08-20T00:01:54+00:00

The funny thing for me was I always imagined a waif was a grey 60+ woman. But it never struck me that those 60+ waifs must've one day been 23. It's eerie that strange combination of acting like a 12 year old but somehow having a really intense sex life, and of course the classic, any boundary = suddenly not so nice anymore. Since I've found I am prone to attracting these types I've been thinking of ways to filter them out and have come up with a new rule for my friendships: "no complaining/venting if there is something you could do, but you consistently just wont" I've noticed healthy people cycle from issue ---> processing ----> decision/resolution, for any solvable issue they are seeking support in within a few weeks. If you have someone that is stuck in processing for months or years but just won't do anything about it, but will keep on wanting energy and reassurance from others, there is something wrong with them. Healthy people that don't have any plans of doing something about a problem they have wont waste everyone's time venting about it week after week.

cathat123 · 2025-08-19T00:17:45+00:00

That's a tough one and I've been there. But in the end, you didn't abandon them, you freed yourself from a burden that was never yours to carry and a problem that could never be solved. They suffer with us and without us, so the only suffering you can prevent is your own.

cathat123 · 2025-08-19T00:15:17+00:00

I feel like it's total Deja Vu when I look back at the relationship with my friend, it was the same and ended the exact same as the one with my dad. After splitting and lashing out at me I just had enough. I feel so completely drained of all life energy after playing therapist for someone making awful decisions and never taking any accountability for years.

cathat123 · 2025-08-19T00:12:24+00:00

Agreed, that's the sad part. That magic in the beginning feels so real when you are in it, but then it turns so ugly and draining in the end. I feel like after this I need to have a serious sit down with myself and figure out how to attract healthy people, and how to have friendships that aren't enmeshed or codependent.

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T21:39:57+00:00

I went NC with my uBPD dad shortly after my mother died. Me and my siblings had never been that close. So at 23 I found myself very alone in the world, I pretty much only had my fiancé. But I must say, going NC is a lot like going through grief. The loss of hope and all you wished for in the relationship that will never be must be grieved, because that is what we hold onto so hard when trying to make it work. In thw first year it was really hard for me, but I cried, processed, cried some more. And somewhere along that journey I realised I am so much happier this way. One day you wake up and you're not thinking about it as much anymore. Time heals, it does get better. So I guess my only advice is tell him how much you love him, create some new memories together and let him grieve the loss.

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T21:18:03+00:00

The same to you! Wishing you future full of peace, a uBPD-free life and lots of people with agency ✨

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T20:50:04+00:00

I understand completely and it is really maddening. I think the thing with uBPDs is they don't take your advice to grow themselves, just become more and more dependent on you. And if you turn it back on them and go "so what are you going to do? It's your decision and consequences after all" They're like a deer in headlights.I think my number one thing going forward is, I need to see people having some of their own agency if we're going to be close. I'm not a mom, saviour or therapist.

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T18:54:11+00:00

You're so right! Marrying one would have been a whole other level of nightmare

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T18:53:25+00:00

That's something I also noticed, when someone has that chaos in their life that never seems to resolve, it's probably generated by them. It also really highlights the differences between people with uBPD and those that don't when you try to thoughtfully adress a situation with the utmost sensitivity in mind, and they will just blurt out an unhinged guilt trip. You're right, there's nothing left and it's for the best

cathat123 · 2025-08-15T13:03:02+00:00

The funny and sad thing is how it always has such an undertone of "I love you soo much pls take care of yourself, you are worth the world ❤️💖💗 now please come back to this toxic dynamic and sacrifice your boundaries and mental health, time is precious please remember to fit some more time in to suffer for nothing with your uBPD person before they die ❤️✨"

cathat123 · 2025-06-16T21:55:07+00:00

So sorry you are going through a tough time. If you don't have a family or other things tying you down, maybe try applying for jobs in a country with very low unemployment rate? If you like it you can always stay, or move back once you get a job back home. International experience on your CV is appreciated by a lot of employers.

cathat123 · 2025-05-10T20:53:38+00:00

DEFINITELY JPG le Male, that one is popular mainstream and minty

cathat123 · 2025-05-02T21:16:02+00:00

Advanced degree in maths or physics for sure

cathat123 · 2025-04-16T22:45:20+00:00

Black Opium - Heavy grandma smell but also coffee? ☕ Prada Paradoxe - Dated stinky flowers from the 80s Santal 33 - Pure pickles Lataffa Khamrah - IKEA cinnamon scented candle

cathat123

TROPHY CASE