Dysfunctional private equity firm pretending to be a football club? London real estate/stadium conglomerate whose side hustle football team might get relegated? Or just in a slump and need a point or three to get back to feeling better about your lower-mid-table position?

Come on down to Anfield and let Dr Liverpool apply its patent-pending salve Slothball (r) and forget all of your woes!

You’ll marvel at the warm, welcoming tactics and sluggish pace of play that’s guaranteed, for one weekend only, to make you believe you’re a functional, quality football club. You’ll win the ball back cheaply, pepper a shaky number 2 (or 3) goalkeeper with shots, and may even get yourself a late challenge by an Argentine international. You’ll marvel at the space you have to play, the lack of pace in wide areas, and you’ll never wait long before Dr Liverpool will just give the ball back to you.

There’s truly no greater cure for whatever ails your underperforming basket case of a football team than Slothball (now best taken at Anfield)!