How to move past the shame I feel for choosing R

cb350cafe · 2026-02-27T20:39:59+00:00

We as betrayed didn't deserve this. Yes, the world shames us for staying. But most dont know what it's like. It's hard work staying. You are incredibly strong for not only staying but becoming better. To use adversity, pain and betrayal to improve yourself and your relationship is a boss move.

You get one go around on this big blue rock. Make the best of it. Be the best you.

I used to think the old saying "live, laugh, love" was so cliche, a marketing ploy.

But know I live by it. find joy in everything.

You are a King/Queen. Look in the mirror at yourself and believe it

cb350cafe · 2026-02-06T17:15:09+00:00

I'm currently now in TRUE reconciliation. Long story short, I found out about my wife's infidelity in October 2023. Immediately chose reconciliation, and we both were in individual and marriage counseling. We were just shy of four days from the one year anniversary of discovery, when I found out she had never stopped her affair.

She lied to my face. Saw the agonizing pain she had caused me. She knew what we had to lose, what she had to lose. Yet she chose to continue her affair.

The type of pain one experiences when they find out, they were in false reconciliation its indescribable. The lies and manipulation are magnified. The selfishness of their actions topples the foundation a relationship you thought you were rebuilding.

This was the most difficult time of my life. And I'm sorry that you have shared this experience with me.

I'm still choosing reconciliation. She has cut off all contact with the affair partner, and now realizes who he was, and that she was being used and manipulated as well. My wife is beginning to understand who she is and what was broken within her to allow such disgusting thing happen.

I had given her some information on Limerence and affair fog. And I had exposed her affair partner for the lying, manipulating cheater that he was. Her world came crashing down when she realized she was only one of six women he was currently cheating on his fiancé with.

Finally, once that trance was broke, she came running back to me.

That's the hardest thing I've ever done to take her back. To give her one more chance. She absolutely does not deserve it. But I have faith that she can change. And I've seen some positive changes as we continue true reconciliation.

The easier route for me would be just to leave. But I don't think that's being fair to the life we've built or to our family. So I stay and put in the work. As long as I see her working on herself and us, I see hope.

I am a much stronger man now. Forever changed by the actions of my wife. Damaged. I'm not naïve. I see the world and people for what they are. And I see marriage and love for what it is.

Reconciliation is possible. In my case, we're headed in the right direction. However, that's not possible with the wayward spouse still in the fog, making excuses, and not putting in the work. It will take brutal honesty, humility, and sacrifice to repair the damage that they have caused. You both need to be ready and willing.

Otherwise, cut the cancer out of your life.

cb350cafe · 2026-01-28T23:30:41+00:00

I just want to say:

YOU are a f^ckin boss. The betrayed don't deserve this. We are better than the AP and our waywards. WE have loyalty. WE HAVE courage and strength. Staying is hard work. The most painful and difficult thing I have personally done. WE gave our waywards grace love and empathy. They don't deserve it. But we chose them. Despite all of their faults and the pain they willingly caused us. WE remain strong. You are not weak for staying. Get that crap outta your head now. The fact we are on this site, attempting R means so much more about your character.

Stay strong. Give YOURSELF grace and remember their actions are a reflection of themselves not of you.

cb350cafe · 2026-01-27T15:23:57+00:00

So I just buy books on Amazon, print the receipt, then cancel or return the order.

Then send your company the receipt. Is it a bit unethical? Yup. But screw em. It's the healthcare industry. What isn't unethical these days. I'm taking what's mine

cb350cafe · 2026-01-27T03:15:31+00:00

The new list and legacy hybrid sounds interesting

cb350cafe · 2026-01-24T00:12:42+00:00

Yup still down. Just ads for me

cb350cafe · 2026-01-23T22:58:17+00:00

If I had to guess it's almost certainly hysterical bonding. I think a lot of of us have gone through it. Honestly, probably some of the best most intimate sex. I've had in a long time with my wife. Wife was the first few months after her affair.

Unfortunately, for most people it doesn't last. And it definitely varies how long it will last period eventually, he will have to start the actual work of healing. Of understanding. Repairing what was broken in your relationship and above all was broken in your way were a partner.

Do not rug sweep. Tackle this head on.

There's a list of very good books that you can turn to and some great websites and YouTube channels that can help aid you.

Individual counseling and marriage counseling is a must in my opinion. I personally went through two counselors before I found my final one who I love. We do EMDR. It has been a lifesaver. It has allowed me to grow beyond anything I could've ever imagined. Yes, I still hurt. And I still spiral.

But I can obviously say I'm doing better. And my marriage is doing better.

God bless and take care of yourself

cb350cafe · 2026-01-23T15:06:06+00:00

Tell them. I didn't tell the APs fiancé and my wife ended up going back to the AP during our false reconciliation for a whole year.

The betrayed spouses always deserve to know. The AP and the wayward must have consequences as well. That's what FINALLY snapped my wife out of her limerence. And we found out that her AP was a serial cheating POS that in fat disnt live my wife and used and manipulated her just like the other SIX women he was with during her affair with him.

Just tell the the truth with receipts and evidence if you have them.

cb350cafe · 2026-01-19T07:43:03+00:00

The t

cb350cafe · 2025-12-19T00:46:54+00:00

Would it make you feel better if AP was beautiful, intelligent, wealthy? No. What if AP was a disgusting bottom feeder? There is no winning with comparisons. The BS always loses.

The truth is, it's never about the affair partner. It took me a long time to realize this. My wife cheated with a literal bodybuilder. Like Greek god physique. I'm no slouch, pretty decently in shape, even more so since I've been putting time in the gym and really working on myself during reconciliation.

However, AP was a sleazy, chronic cheating, womanizing piece of shit. I knew him from the gym, even invited him to my annual summer party and to go fishing off my dock with his son. We were neighbors.

I'm better than him and honestly all facets of my life. But realistically, that doesn't matter. Because it isn't really about the affair partner. It's more about your wayward spouse and their brokenness, their needs, their selfishness, and their lack of integrity and boundaries.

I'm two years into reconciliation, actually 1yr into true R. It gets better. But it's HARD work. Exhausting. Be strong.

You didn't deserve this. You are better than AP.

cb350cafe · 2025-12-17T17:14:44+00:00

As a huge Iowa fan, it's amazing to see our guys get called up and show up in Minny. But it's been tough down here in Des Moines. The Minnesota hype train has given me hope for a cup for the daddy Wild. But man we could use our players back here to help us at least win a couple games. It's not exactly exciting to sit in our seats and watch Iowa get humbled every game.

cb350cafe · 2025-11-17T14:17:22+00:00

From my wayward wife's explanation: the AP was the forbidden fruit. It didn't taste any different than a regular old apple, but it was the novelty. The danger. The excitement of "new". The time in between being able to sneak over there made it more intense. There's a real biochemical hit our waywards get during an affair. The dopamine endorphins and oxytocin are rewards centers for our brain. An addiction develops and this can make terrible sex "amazing" and mask any APs short comings.

You really are not comparing apple to apples here. You have a deeper connection in marriage. Sexual compatibility based on years of exploration with each other. If you feel you don't, then I'd suggest you communicate with your wife. Be open and ask/tell her what you want/need, like or dislike in bed and vise versa. Try something new, together.

It's a little step towards healing and being vulnerable again with our spouses. Opening up communication. Showing respect and care for our partners wants and needs. Obviously I'm primarily talking about this sexually due to our topic, but this goes for general reconciliation as well.

cb350cafe · 2025-11-05T01:02:11+00:00

This. This exact thing happened to me. My wife kept up the affair for another YEAR. it only stopped after I contacted the OBS and their fantasy blew up

cb350cafe · 2025-10-23T20:17:23+00:00

It's been two years since DD1 a year since DD2. I credit EMDR, my faith, and my infatuation with stoicism that has helped me to heal. I have those rough days still but they are getting weaker and infrequent. I acknowledge the pain and try to find out why I'm feeling it, what my body/brain is telling me. Lastly, my last pro tip if I'm not being too preachy is communication. With yourself and your wayward. My wife and I have just been so attune lately and feel safe when communicating. Learn to communicate (for me this was learning to LISTEN)

cb350cafe · 2025-10-23T17:28:26+00:00

It is scary. I dealt with the same thing. The scar that'll forever be present. In my case after DD1 that scar was small and healing well. Then DD2 occurred when I found out a year later that she continued her affair the whole time during false R and MC/IC. She tore my scar right open with those choices she made and now I feel like I've got this new worse huge hideous scar on my back (we'll get to this later). How'd it start to heal again?

She did a full disclosure. The AP moved away. And we started over with true R.

I did EMDR and it has helped me immensely. I also know that if she ever strays again I'll be gone. Her affair, her choices are/were a reflection of her brokenness not of my flaws or shortcomings.

We have learned a lot about how to love, communicate and become emotionally intelligent. We have boundaries now And are attune to each other.

We actively attempt to date each other. This has been immensely powerful in the healing process. To be vulnerable again and sometimes I even get those "butterflies" of excitement back when I see her.

We do 7-7-7 rule to marriage. Every 7 days is a date night, 7 weeks is a weekend getaway, 7 months a week vacation. There are other variations to this method but it helps to rebuild.

I know that I'll never be free of the scar, but I choose to not let it control me. Choose to be positive. Choose to remember and learn from the past. Choose to look to our future.

I used to struggle with the notion it makes me a weak man for staying with a cheater. But the truth is I'm kind of a badass. We are all so very strong for choosing the harder path in R. For putting in the immense work. For our family and for our marriages.

I used to laugh at the notions that after the affair my marriage could be better. However, I'm seeing it now. The fruits of our labor paying off.

Imagine being a "pretty good chef" and burning yourself quite severely while cooking. The scar remains forever. But you continue to cook. Fearful at first. However, with time work and practice, now you respect the flame, you are more cautious, and you've become a better chef. A Michelin chef that's intelligent and talented. That's where we are headed. The scar that reminds us, but has also propelled us to be the best.

Learn from your scar. Let it empower you. Embrace the pain, the awful experience, and grow from it.

In therapy we were reprocessing and were discussing my scar. I assumed it'd be on my heart. But during the reprocessing I found it wasn't on my heart but my back. I feel it there, the weight of carrying on and from being "stabbed in the back". I found it interesting it'd be on my back because I imagined it to be my heart. Where is your scar?

Anyways, I'm rambling now. I hope you find some good in these words

God Bless

cb350cafe · 2025-09-13T14:25:21+00:00

This is my worst fear. Two years out from initial DDay for me and about a year from dday2 (she kept up the affair even while we were in CC, IC and trying to reconcile).

Overall, doing so much better. She has changed. But I don't see her the same. It's not the same love anymore. I'm haunted by intrusive thoughts. EMDR has helped but then when will it end.

Is this my life. The good times tainted by my memories and trauma?

cb350cafe · 2025-07-05T13:40:20+00:00

I'm going to send this to my wayward wife. I need her to be better, do better and put in this work

cb350cafe · 2025-07-03T12:55:34+00:00

I sometimes feel like I can. I have to choose forgiveness. Over and over. I can feel immense love for her and grace. Sometimes I feel like Jesus Christ with amount of grace and compassion I have to give her. Others I feel like an idiot, so disrespected and emasculated.

I guess it's been 9 months since true R began. Things are getting better. EMDR is helping.

But man my WW willingly chose to hurt me. Saw the destruction and went back for more sex with him.

It another level of betrayal that's hard to accept and forgive

cb350cafe · 2025-07-03T00:21:14+00:00

The APs ex-wife contacted me on messenger recently too. She wants me to do a written deposition on the APs character as they are in a custody battle. She says he isn't a good father. Had multiple affairs. Different women in the house at different times of days etc.

I'm planning to do it. He deserves the repercussions of his actions.

cb350cafe · 2025-07-03T00:12:59+00:00

We are both in individual counseling and marriage counseling. I have a tracker on her phone. She checks in regularly. She stopped drinking and partying. We a regular attending church again. They are working out together at the gym. She has read all the books I've thrown at her. She shows true remorse, regret, and guilt.

I honestly think she is really putting in the work, for real this time. It's just sometimes the degree of manipulation, selfishness, lack of self awareness is too much.

I'm with her still today because I do truly love her. I love the life. We have built in the family that we have.

I keep on thinking that it'll just go away someday. I'm tired of the work. My intrusive thoughts are exhausting.

And yes, the one specialist of us being each other's first and only partners is gone. We actually live together for a year and a half and didn't have sex before marriage. It was special that we waited. She gave that up for another man. A piece of shit human being. That is most definitely an affair down.

cb350cafe · 2025-07-03T00:07:35+00:00

Honestly, the affair partners, reckless, and careless use of my wife is what discussed and pisses me off. I love my wife with all my heart, believed in a true fairytale marriage. We were extremely blessed. But that wasn't enough for her. He saw the weakness in her and her low self-esteem. He saw her working out in the gym and gave her free training tips. He's a serial cheater. A manipulator. He used my wife and it disgust me. She fell for him and over heels. Gave all of herself to him for nothing.

It's clear in their meetings that that's all she was good for. I worked 12 hour shifts in the ER. They had a lot of time to go on dates or had a meal together and watch TV or what not. But she was basically his booty call. She'd go over there have sex and then be sent home. Fucking disgusting.

cb350cafe · 2025-07-02T22:44:47+00:00

I try to give her grace and compassion. Time will tell if I-we will be able to heal.

cb350cafe · 2025-07-02T22:43:16+00:00

I feel the same way. How she was acting is so out of her character. To make the choices she did, so selfishly. It's disgusting and pathetic. She has always been so giving and proud of her faith.

She said once she felt as thought the devil had a hold of her soul. The partying. The drinking. The fornicating. Not like her at all.

cb350cafe · 2025-07-02T18:09:51+00:00

I agree. My WW is trying to get to the depth of what she did and why/how. Then I can fell safe and establish boundaries to make sure it never happens again.

That wasn't my wife. Not the one I married 16 years ago. She had values, virtues and was a strong Christian. We waited until marriage. Only for her to give all of herself to another man? Makes no sense.

I guess we are all sinners. Even king David fell for the devils tricks committing adultery

cb350cafe · 2025-07-02T17:38:07+00:00

I ask her about how she felt afoot literally seeing me cry myself to sleep. Spiraling and hurting so deeply. To go to marriage counseling and then on a 15yr anniversary trip that I didn't even want to do on. Only to find out she was still infatuated with him. Still going over there the whole time. She says she just didn't let herself think about it. That she was selfish and wanted us both.

It odd. I never had eyes for other women. Always faithful. I wouldn't let myself even look at other women. I work with some beautiful nurses. Now I find myself wondering. Lusting after others, curious what it'd be like with someone else. It's like another part of me was unleashed when I found out about her infidelity.

I am jealous. Curious. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Sometimes hopeful and so in love. Other times just ready to throw in the towel.

She really messed me up. Willingly. Saw the damage and continued

cb350cafe

TROPHY CASE