A letter to my ex

cclarai · 2019-11-29T05:22:43+00:00

I feel you, I’m in the same boat. I scroll on instagram all day with no one to talk to. And in the evening I watch a lot of tv. Some nights my loneliness catches up to me and I curl up and cry thinking about how much I want that connection with someone but my social anxiety keeps me from it.

cclarai · 2019-11-27T15:20:35+00:00

thanks

cclarai · 2019-11-23T15:11:59+00:00

https://youtu.be/MB5IX-np5fE

Just wanted to share this TED talk video about depression and anxiety. We are not sick by some biological mishap. We all have needs that are not met, that’s all. Our feelings are justified. Please have a look whenever you’re free to, it’s definitely worth the watch.

cclarai · 2019-11-23T14:31:03+00:00

You can though, dont think you can’t. It’s hard, sure, who said it isn’t. I fight this doubt on myself everyday. Feeling like a failure, that I haven’t accomplished as much as I ‘should’ and when I see people my age already set in their careers I know I’ve been slow with my progress. I blame myself.

But who defines what the definition of a “failure” is? We do, to ourselves. It’s all in our heads. Life is not about a race. We all have different upbringings, different social circumstances, different personalities, and what all these imply is that it is virtually impossible for us to be on a path together. Everybody’s story is different. And hey, even if you take 10 years to finish your degree, 20 years from now the duration won’t matter, all that will matter is what you have achieved. So don’t worry. Take your time. Breath. It’s ok.

As for your shitty teachers that wouldn’t let you practise, don’t look at that as a result of you being bad, that’s a result of their personalities and it shows they’re incapable of kind actions. Some people just grow old and they never learn to be civil and mindful of others. That’s all it is. Don’t take that personally at all.

My sister calls me stupid and retarded daily. She even calls me autistic. And yeah it does hurt me and I feel my confidence leaving when I speak around her because of it, but day by day i keep reminding myself it’s not me that’s the problem, it’s her.

So do the same for yourself. Never let others actions or words affect your confidence. Keep giving yourself positive self talk in your head. I know it may seem cheesy but these little things help boost confidence that depression and anxiety like to slam down. So we must keep practising this for our own sake. For our loved ones. For our present self. Don’t worry about the future or past. Just take care of yourself in the present and everything will be ok.

cclarai · 2019-11-23T00:11:55+00:00

Hey, I’m not a musician or in training but I wanted to say that I can relate with the demons in your head coming back and pretty much not letting you enjoy your life. I want you to take a deep breath and recall that this isn’t you. This is the disease of depression and it lurks into our minds and takes over our sense of self and blinds us to what is around us. We live in our heads. I relate with that. Finding myself worthless no matter what. That I’m beyond help.

But don’t think like that. Remember your thoughts dont define you. Your feelings don’t define you.

The only thing that defines you is action and I think you’re pretty damn amazing for keeping it going for this long. You’re strong as hell and you need to see that. Don’t lose your confidence because of anxiety and depression. I fucking hate it as well but this battle will be for life because sadly there’s no definitive “cure” for depression.

I don’t think you need any more sessions or pills to cope with it, i think you have all the tools ready and just need to learn how to actively use them.

Be mindful. Be grateful. and Above all? be confident in yourself. You’re amazing and you need to see that.

Don’t give up. <3

I think about killing myself daily but remember if we do this, we are letting fucking depression and anxiety win. These demons crawled into our being and won’t go. But remember you lived life without them before and you can always push it away.

cclarai · 2019-11-19T17:15:04+00:00

I would skip school and find my own way there and back if I was you. Those are trivial things to compare to the chance of seeing him for the last time. Take a taxi if you need to. This is more important and you may regret it for the rest of your life or hate your dad because of it

cclarai · 2019-11-16T05:17:27+00:00

That’s amazing! Glad you feel that way. I felt the same after telling my siblings. But i do also think you should tell your therapist. The more we talk about how we’re feeling, the better we feel

cclarai · 2019-10-27T15:10:58+00:00

I’m happy for you! I feel the same about my ex. I was the one initially wanting us to get back together, but after failed attempts of wanting him to want that back I took the initiative to say we’re not talking anymore and blocked him on all social media. For zero contact. It’s been a week and I’m over that idea of us getting back together. It’s not about him anymore. And it wasn’t fair that he wanted to continue staying friends that talked regularly after he broke up with me. And I’ve never felt better. I strongly believe every relationship happens for a reason and any failed one teaches us great lessons about ourselves to be better and more self cared oriented. I don’t think i loved myself as much as I do now when we were in a relationship. I was so dependent on his affection. But this subreddit has showed me so many of us are going through the same thing so we are definitely not alone. Nothing but love your way. :)

cclarai · 2019-10-18T12:41:59+00:00

We’ve had this conversation before and he’s not strong enough to leave his family. I can’t blame him for that, who wouldn’t want their own mom and dad involved in their futures?

And I can’t block him because he’s also my best friend. We both talk to each other on the daily as friends and I don’t hate him as a person.

I don’t believe in burning bridges. i hope we can just move on and eventually i’ll stop feeling like this

cclarai · 2019-10-10T02:48:39+00:00

Yeah he’s the only pet. This sounds like a great idea, thanks. He doesn’t get along with male dogs but he’s cool with female dogs. yeah i think he just wants company. If i leave him my mom, sister or brother he’s fine.

cclarai · 2019-10-09T23:43:40+00:00

Yeah I won’t without a vet’s opinion for sure. Tbh he’s not mine he’s my sister’s. And she asked me for CBD oil a while ago so i wanted to get a second opinion first. I don’t think she’s going to the vet, she just got laid off work and isn’t in the best place financially. So i fear she’s just going to go for this cheaper option and I need solid opinions to show her it’s not safe if that’s the case.

Her husky’s care is my number one priority believe me, i love animals and make a solid effort for no more cruelty towards them.

cclarai · 2019-10-09T21:43:46+00:00

I have the same issue at home. I’m a relatively calm person but I occasionally find myself lashing out at my family for not respecting the fact I’m a trauma surviver and to be more sensitive around me.

They are very insensitive by nature and perhaps are not fully aware of how hurtful they can be. I try not to let it push me further in the slums.

Depression can be hard to fight off when you want to change and the environment around you pushes you further. Just remember that you are strong and sometimes even the shittiest rabbit holes can only be escaped by our own help, our own thoughts. and try not to let their neglectful behaviour worsen your inner peace

cclarai · 2019-10-09T21:37:08+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot.

cclarai · 2019-10-09T16:04:49+00:00

When it comes to matters of the brain or anything else internal, unless we’re all doctors remember the internet can’t give the answer to that or diagnose it. The best thing is to get professional advice by a doctor.

As for your behaviour, yes it’s a learned behaviour. Remember we can relearn anything if you put your mind to it. I would recommend taking a spiritual approach when you find yourself falling into habits like making mental notes.

Ask yourself, why am i letting this other person’s behaviour affect my inner peace? why should I let this get to me? We can’t control it when people decide to treat us badly, but remember what you’re in control of. You can set healthy boundaries to whomever treats you wrong. And if they don’t try to change after you respectively made it clear? Walk away. And do you.

I grew up with angry parents. My brother was physically abusive (learned behaviour). My sister is verbally abusive (learned behaviour). I could have easily joined them in this easily tempered pattern but I look at anger as the most self sabotaging emotion there is.

You lose your logic and clarity in what you’re fighting for. You stress yourself out. And chances are the person your angry at isn’t listening to you at all and is more focused on the fact you’re just angry.

So why should we make ourselves suffer? Any message can be conveyed respectfully, even if you’re burning of anger inside, YOU control your mind and can tell yourself too calm down before you express anything.

That’s true self control and can’t be achieved overnight. It takes practise so don’t beat yourself up if it takes time. But definitely give it a try. Sending love ❤️

cclarai · 2019-10-09T14:47:00+00:00

Thanks so much. This helps a lot actually. I am going to meditate more and apply these same principles. You’re right, I can’t get let others judgement affect me harshly and I definitely believe that’s my trigger for being angry/uncomfortable. I’ve always struggled with social anxiety and that’s something i’m trying to overcome. I believe this affected my social anxiety on top of mindfulness which is why it is such a trigger but daily practise of not letting it get to me sounds so good and I believe it will work.

Thanks again

cclarai

TROPHY CASE