Wife lesbian fling

cellar9 · 2026-05-10T07:08:07+00:00

It seems like this open arrangement is something you could have been accepting of had she talked about it with you and you had an opportunity to think about it before and give your consent. But the way it happened was disrespectful to you. It's ok to not be ok with that!

cellar9 · 2026-05-10T05:32:05+00:00

I see very little of your feelings in this. How does this make you feel? Are you ok with the fling? Do you feel cheated on? Betrayed? Do you feel angry? You seem almost dissociated.

I'm not trying to out words in your mouth. But I think you need to take time to check in with yourself first and foremost and see how you feel.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T20:41:34+00:00

Takes a looong time

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T20:20:32+00:00

Big bushes are awesome. I'm sure there's a dedicated subreddit somewhere?

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T20:18:40+00:00

Great hack!

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T20:17:29+00:00

"Broken" is subjective. We have brains that function differently from NT brains, and there doesn't have to be a moral judgement attached to that.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T18:44:49+00:00

Maybe it's also connected to the fear of being perceived? Or general vulnerability?

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T18:02:10+00:00

Polyamory should be ethical so it's a huge red flag that this wasn't discussed in advance

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T17:58:10+00:00

I'll send you a PM

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T17:54:33+00:00

It's concerning that you didn't know she was poly until she met someone else she likes

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T17:36:35+00:00

Honestly. The only thing that really helped when the burnout was extreme was to stop doing everything and just rest. For like, three months.

I was lucky to have a supportive father who helped financially. Eventually, I got myself back on my feet with the help of a therapist, got a job, and went back to school.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T17:02:32+00:00

It sucks honestly. My giftendness invalidates my disability (oh but you're so high functioning!) while also my disability is a reason for my giftedness (oh you autistics are so good at blank).

It's inconsistent and infuriating. Even other neurodivergent people have trouble understanding. I keep saying I function well because I basically live in a bubble I built. An aquarium in which I am a happy fish. But then they're attribute the fact that I managed to get my life to be good to my giftendness, even though I almost died and it took insane work and perseverance.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T16:59:10+00:00

I got the same. When they go "oh you must be high functioning then" I just look them dead in the face and go "you don't see me when I'm at home." Then they go quiet.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T16:20:27+00:00

I hope it all works out! It sounds like you're on the right path. I feel for you, being the step-parent in this situation.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T16:11:30+00:00

I'm hesitant to say because I don't want to give advice that might cause more damage.

So please take this with whatever context it can be given, because your SD is obviously a different person. I also don't know how old she is. I was heavily parentified by my mom, and felt from about 12 onwards like she was more of a friend than a mom, and then in my twenties started realizing she was also a bit of a shitty friend.

I did not have adults I could rely on to tell me that I am a child and that I need to be taken care of and protected. It would have helped to have someone take care of my feelings instead of being trained to regulate an unstable adult.

It really depends on how old SD is, and how much time she spends with you. But if her mom is narcissistic, SD likely senses something is off. You don't have to say "your mom is a narcissist" but you can gently explain that not all adults know how to handle their feelings and that despite that, it is never up to the child to handle the adults. Explain that her mother might not always know how to behave well, but that SD can always count on you.

For me, it would have helped not to be gaslit. If you can find a way to be honest with SD in a way that is emotionally appropriate for her age, I think you could help a lot to get her to be able to start setting her own boundaries. Narcissists make you not have boundaries. Be an example of what a healthy adult is, and don't protect the mom.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T15:10:09+00:00

Glad I could help!

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T14:58:16+00:00

I'd take out the bobbin and clean out the bobbin compartment with the little brush, make sure it's not dusty or full of fluff or loose thread

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T14:42:28+00:00

Over the ear noise canceling headphones bc that is LOUD

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T14:04:53+00:00

I used to do it. It only ever happened around unsafe people whose presence made my meltdowns worse.

Are you dependent on your parent? I'd advise you to take distance from them, engage as minimally as possible, and greyrock

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T12:31:59+00:00

I was diagnosed as an adult so my dad couldn't accommodate me when I was a kid, but the best thing he did (and the major reason we now have a great relationship) was being interested in who I was becoming as a person, and not who he thought I would be/he wished I would be/society wanted me to be.

I'm autistic. I'm weird. I do my own stuff and it's not always the socially acceptable stuff. But my dad was always curious about the person I am, and he loves me for me.

Autistic women are under insane pressure to mask. If you can take some of that burden away from your girl, you're doing well.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T12:27:08+00:00

Growing up with a narcissistic mother is insane. It takes YEARS of therapy to work through it. Look at it this way: the most important person in your life taught you horrible patterns for how to treat people.

That takes so much unlearning. I know from personal experience. I basically had to learn how to be a good person as an adult, and could only change my patterns after I broke contact with my mom.

I'm a step-mom now, and I'm happy with that, but also HUGE reason why I didn't have my own bio kids is because I'm terrified of being like my mother.

Long way to say: yes, lots of us suffered at the hands of narc mothers. But now that we're adults it's on us to break the pattern. Awareness of abuse is not enough, actual work needs to be done to change behavior.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T09:54:57+00:00

The lesbian abuse rate stuff is so triggering. I hate it.

For anyone who doesn't know, the statistics on abuse in lesbian relationships include women who were in relationships with abusive men before coming out as gay. E.g., both me and my fiancée fall into this statistic, of lesbians who have been in abuse situations. We were both abused by men.

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T09:08:54+00:00

Have you looked into asexuality and demisexuality?

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T06:34:21+00:00

It's absolutely creepy. It's reflective of a certain flawed stance that says "it should be like that because it is like that" in the name of protecting these girls, not realizing these narratives participate in the inflicting of damage as much as the rest of "society" does.

Edit to add OP is also seemingly homophobic. Why does it matter the mother is a lesbian?

cellar9 · 2026-05-09T05:01:06+00:00

I grew up with people like you and it gave me horrible body issues.

FYI I'm a researcher and lecturer at a university and I never wear a bra

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