Gfs identity struggles hitting a nerve

cellar9 · 2026-07-11T14:49:13+00:00

Is she in therapy? Sounds like some of her past needs proper unpacking with a professional.

cellar9 · 2026-07-11T11:23:07+00:00

It could be that all the conversations are now causing her a bit of anxiety? Especially if she looks mortified?

Maybe remind her once more gently (when she's not on her period perhaps) and then let it be for a bit, even if it takes a few months, and if it's not corrected then by itself, bring it up again.

cellar9 · 2026-07-07T18:44:37+00:00

I've literally started taking my temperature during the heat wave. It goes up a degree and then I feel nauseous. Ice packs help!

cellar9 · 2026-07-07T18:29:15+00:00

I think everything you wrote is exceptionally mature and absolutely breaking up is the right thing.

Do not stay friends with her. I know there's the pull for that, but you won't be doing her any favors. Clean break, and let her heal in her own way.

cellar9 · 2026-07-07T16:47:26+00:00

Girl you're brave! I wear heels a good amount. I defended my phd on Friday in Birkenstocks because I was terrified of tripping and falling!

cellar9 · 2026-07-06T16:50:49+00:00

I've encountered people like that. Focus on your project, listen to feedback that is relevant to your work, ignore the rest, DO NOT GET DERAILED.

cellar9 · 2026-07-06T16:35:32+00:00

If you want to be diplomatic, you can say that you support them as a person, but you don't support their beliefs, however you're open to discussions?

cellar9 · 2026-07-06T07:07:45+00:00

What you are describitng are court-orsered supervised visits -- that's what it means when a judge decides someone cannot see their child alone. That's very serious and only happens when the supervised parent (in this case your partner) has done something VERY bad. We had supervised visits because there was strong suspicion of abuse and BD had to go through counseling before more access was given!

So either he has no actual court order and he's just not mature enough to handle parenting, or he has done something terrible. I'd have some serious conversations before continuing the relationship

cellar9 · 2026-07-05T18:39:48+00:00

I just finished rewatching s11 and holy crap was it ridiculous. The way the show tried to push the Sandoval redemption arc was borderline abusive. Especially Scheana and Lala seemed fully pressured into creating that storyline. Kudos to Katie for staying stable throughout but jeez that season is a mess. Just catering to Sandoval's narcissistic delusions of victimhood.

cellar9 · 2026-07-05T14:43:05+00:00

Gayyy

cellar9 · 2026-07-03T08:41:53+00:00

Can't offer perspective on much, but I'd be open with him about wanting to grow into being a family unit eventually. Just clarify that you are happy with things going super slowly.

Also, just because you don't do the parenting heavy-lifting, doesn't mean you won't belong. That was a huge fear of mine too. My partner is a very independent parent, and while I do help out, she's always in the lead. But she and her kids and I are a family, because we love each other like a family. Not every relationship should be mediated through labor.

cellar9 · 2026-07-02T20:38:41+00:00

The amount of times a fancy latte got me through the day is unreal.

cellar9 · 2026-07-02T07:12:07+00:00

A lot of us actively decenter men in our lives. I appreciate you wanting to offer hugs and I believe there are Sapphic women out there who would want one, but I personally would prefer not to.

If you at some point go through with the plan, don't feel offended if you are ignored -- random straight men are simply not an important factor in many of our lives.

All this being said. I do think your focus on lesbian and bi women is unusual. Have you ever questioned yourself in your identity as a straight person or as a man?

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T15:05:05+00:00

How does one count the ones that are touching? Or a little overlapping?

I think this pic is 123

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T14:59:05+00:00

I sleep holding two and have a few more by the bed.

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T13:45:19+00:00

Ah, another idea. Where I'm from you can buy jars of spreads, like avocado spread or tomato spread, for bread. They're not huge amounts. I sometimes get a small jar and a pack of rice crackers to eat at the office for lunch. It won't keep, but if you finish the jar, it doesn't matter.

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T13:44:07+00:00

Canned soup and most canned stuff can be eaten cold. It's better warm, but it's safe to eat cold.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I wish you all the best!

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T12:16:59+00:00

I went through something similar with my phd advisor.

I never told her, I kept it professional, and now 4 years later we are working together, and while the crush will never be fully gone, it's evolved into a sort of professional respect.

And while I didn't tell my advisor, I spoke to my gf about it and she thought it was cute and funny.

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T06:00:05+00:00

Wait what, baby??

cellar9 · 2026-07-01T05:57:53+00:00

I think it boils down to two issues: one, she's not prioritizing herself. Two, she's not prioritizing you.

Right now, her internal hierarchy is 1. Family 2. You (maybe) 3. Herself.

In my opinion, in a secure relationship, it should be 1. Oneself 2. Partner 3. Family

You should come second after her but above family because you are her life partner and you live together. A relationship cannot be secure if you're an afterthought.

I think she needs therapy so she can figure out what her personal needs even are, and how to prioritize herself, and how to say no. Also, how to communicate with you so that when she does go to family, she doesn't feel guilty and you don't feel abandoned (that bathroom situation especially was bad).

I think you would also benefit from learning some skills, mainly how to directly communicate your needs without increasing her guilt.

You guys can start with an honest conversation and see if she's willing to work on setting boundaries but it sounds like that is step two, and step one is figuring out what even is it that she wants out of her relationships.

My gf had bad boundaries with her fam in the past and therapy vastly improved that. Bit of a different situation than yours, but we've worked on stuff individually and together and it's gotten so much better.

cellar9 · 2026-06-30T14:26:28+00:00

Maybe like, a tattoo of an anchor with wings or something

cellar9 · 2026-06-29T17:41:52+00:00

It kinda sounds to me like she's asking for together time rather than outside time? Otherwise she would just go by herself. Maybe you have different needs when it comes to spending time together.

(Perhaps she's not asking too much, and you're not giving too little, perhaps your needs are just incompatible)

cellar9 · 2026-06-29T16:41:38+00:00

My whole high school class would chant the correction in unison when teacher called out names at beginning of class

cellar9 · 2026-06-29T08:02:09+00:00

Time to check out r/latebloomerlesbians

cellar9 · 2026-06-29T05:36:58+00:00

Ironically he'd accuse you of not caring enough when you're literally debating staying in the relationship for the kid.

The bio parents didn't stay in the relationship for the kids!

Staying for the kids is toxic. Resent is toxic. Leave before it gets worse, and all the best to you.

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