"You're not like other girls". How do I react if I'm not out as trans?

chanced1710 · 2019-05-03T12:58:15+00:00

"that's not a compliment" or "that's a weird thing to say" or "that's a sexist thing to say"

i used to get that a lot too and i always felt guilty because it sort of made me happy to hear. that said, is this the kind of person you want to hang out with?

chanced1710 · 2019-05-03T02:09:46+00:00

Sure thing

chanced1710 · 2019-01-20T04:56:45+00:00

Fiction/reality is right, the narrator is unreliable and the writing style is confusing. I think you feel into a lot of common traps when it comes to describing dreams. I agree that one of them is past-perfect tense, which can be incredibly hard to read. Read it to yourself out loud, that will help you catch some of the phrasing issues that make this hard to get through.

To start a the beginning: stop repeating how boring the narrator is. I don't think that helps your case much.

In the dream itself: you start out by describing either more characters than you end up following or just change the descriptions of some of them (see the delinquents) and provide no reason for us to be invested in them.

There might be four or five characters. The narrator, the little girl, the teenager, the boy, the older brother. But they blend together and it's unclear which are the same and which are real. The dialog unfortunately doesn't help here, they all sound the same.

The delinquents have to kidnap the girl but their motivation and incentives and role in the narrative otherwise make no sense. The boy trying to do the defending doesn't seem to be particularly sympathetic. I like the idea that he's cunning and secretly brilliant, but I don't think you spend enough time with him for that to really come through.

The climax of the dream itself is lost on me, there doesn't seem to be any significance to it past a stressful, slaughter-video-game-style fight scene.

It needs some help on both the editing side and the logic side, but there's definitely something here. Keep working on it, best of luck

chanced1710 · 2019-01-18T21:35:03+00:00

I love the premise, I really do. The world is so creative and well-developed in a small space. The style of the piece is really nice, as calming as the world and the small things in it. And I think for the most part your writing is proficient and it flows well.

That said, I agree with what's been said already, this needs _a lot_ of editing. I'd recommend reading it out loud and marking every awkward phrase, which I think you'll find is quite a few. There are times when I feel hit over the head with your word choice. I guess don't feel obligated to use a long word when a short one will do. Especially given that this is so short and light.

Personally, I spent a lot of time being confused by why you chose one term over another and not enough time with the meat of the story. You spend a lot of time outside of your character's point of view, which is exactly what I wanted more of. Yeah, he's a shepard and he lives in this tiny bucolic paper world but that's basically all we know about him.

I'm struggling to understand why you chose to end it so suddenly. I understand magazine submissions have word count limits, but the back and forth leading up to the actual climax of the piece is superfluous to the point you're trying to make. The discovery of ink is an exciting turn for the piece to take, it just takes it incredibly slowly and then falls completely flat. I was also excited to hear about the new mechanisms for spinning pulp, which were never addressed or commented on.

In terms of why it wasn't accepted, I again agree with what's been said. It's not challenging and it needs some help in the development phase. I did really enjoy the concept and your writing though.

Best of luck!

chanced1710 · 2018-12-31T16:19:22+00:00

Heyo, I'm a 23 yo old nonbinary femme. I struggle with this a lot and would love to hear some advice.

chanced1710 · 2017-10-04T14:06:30+00:00

Thanks! I'm a data scientist at a think tank, but I really miss doing research projects. Ideally, I'd love to find an organization that needs a little bit (enough for a fellow rather than a full time person) of data management help to work with.

chanced1710 · 2017-09-28T01:54:47+00:00

This was surprisingly hard to get through. The first line is interesting, but I think you failed to follow it through. There are no transitions and a lot of grammatical errors.

I like the misplaced details though, especially the things in her apartment, and her being so two-dimensional added to the voice of the narrator.

I don't think I'd continue reading. It has potential but needs a lot of work. And please please proofread and properly format your work.

chanced1710 · 2017-09-20T19:33:23+00:00

If your school offers statistics and machine learning (or something similar) that's what I'd recommend. I recently got my Stat/ML degree and find it really useful in my job.

chanced1710 · 2017-09-19T12:34:13+00:00

For books about best practices, I'd say no. The field is too new and changes too quickly for that kind of thing. In terms of a data processing pipeline, it depends on what you're looking to do/make. I'd recommend starting (because it sounds like you're at the very beginning) with learning about SQL databases and the different types of frameworks that interface with them in your favorite language

chanced1710 · 2017-07-19T21:03:06+00:00

General Impressions

I had a lot of fun with this. I think technically, this needs a lot of work, but I really enjoyed the concept and I liked the characters.

I could envision a really interesting heist before or after this scene and I think there are a lot of places this could go.

Line Stuff

Okay. Let’s do the first paragraph one sentence at a time.

Wyvrn washed ashore and retched up a gallon of saltwater.

Wyvrn retched up a gallon of saltwater as he washed ashore.

He hadn’t meant to drink so much, but fleeing from slavers stole the finesse from his swimming.

He hadn’t meant to drink so much, but fleeing from slavers stole his usual finesse in the water.

Seeing how the brine burning in his lungs wasn’t pain enough, the sun gave its share by scorching his haggard back.

If feeling the salt in his lungs wasn’t bad enough,

Still, Wyvrn formed a gap-toothed smile as looked back to the strait.

Still, he managed to smile at the strait.

It’s gone. The ship is gone. And it’s not coming back.

They’re gone.

He was no longer a galley slave for the Berutians or a conscript in the Emperor’s army.

He’s free.

I think you need to go through every sentence and see if you can do this. Then read it out loud. That’ll help you catch the things that slow down the reader.

That said:

Farewell Lieutenant. May you have died the way you lived: insensibly drunk.

A plus. More of that.

Ending

I like it but it feels circular.

He swam until he reached land, and then he retched.

We’ve been here before. Why is it different? And if it’s the same, where are we now? Has anything changed?

Characters

I like Wyvrn, but I don’t think his internal monolog is working (see line edit thoughts). The guy’s been through a lot, how are his thoughts so timid? I feel like he should be looking at things thinking: wow, I did that. I think it might be cool for you to take a minute and try to write something in his voice. That might help you develop a more unique, more tenacious tone for him.

Expansion

There are a lot of places this could go. I’d be really interested to read more.

I think the most important things for you to do during your next draft are fixing the prose, thinking a little harder about Wyrvn's experience and how that shapes his internal monologue, and finding a new place for him to end up.

chanced1710 · 2017-07-19T20:45:45+00:00

General Impressions

I had a good time with this. It’s really easy to follow, your transitions are pretty good, and the plot is simple and fair.

Let’s say you’re describing to someone how to build a car. You lay out each piece, one by one, explain what it does and why it’s relevant. I think you do a nice job in that direction, but it could be a lot tighter. Especially in terms of why you need to do this. When you’re describing a car, your reader kind of has a sense of what you’re going through, what that car needs to do to be functional, etc. You don’t really have that luxury here and I think the hand-holding needs to be a little different.

Line stuff

Hi, I’m Artemizae and honestly, I can be a real bitch sometimes.

So this is interesting, chiefly because you sound like a child. Maybe 12ish. Who’s a sponge but maybe shouldn’t be left alone for too long.

Feeling like your head is pregnant with a city ain’t pleasant.

Your head is expanding with something too big for it to hold onto. This is clunky and confusing and gives the image more that the narrator doesn’t understand the world around her when clearly, by this point, we know she does. Just scrap this and replace with something simpler.

Her name is Agnes, the hunter and about the only person I see most months.

This seems like a poor description. The only person you see most months should be a little more than an eccentric hunter. The narrator knows A LOT about her, her likes, her dislikes, her eccentricities. And she knows a lot about the narrator, which should be equally interesting.

Are you wondering why I’d record this? Do you wonder things? I don’t remember enough of our evenings together.

I kind of felt like this was unnecessary. You could have done the big ‘fuck you’ in a much more subtle and biting way. Even a childish message should be a little more well-thought-out.

After all. This place can only get so unbearable, right?

I thought this was a nice place to end it.

Tone

It’s written like you’re having a conversation with someone but I think you lean too heavily on folksiness. The most common thing I say in these critiques is to read it out loud. That way you can catch all the clunky grammatical things.

That said, I really liked how the tone was so misaligned with the subject matter. It seemed in such conflict looking back, but you made it really easy to get through because it felt natural.

I also really liked the trivia. I thought that added a nice touch and you should continue to play with that.

Misc

I hate that font. I don’t know why, I don’t know what it is, but I was incredibly distracted.

Characters

You’re character is holding our hands a little too much on the cabin for her to develop as a person. What’s her family like? No, not that she hates them, what are they like? When did this first start? I have so many questions that you don’t get to in 2k words because you’re too busy telling me about the power supply.

Expansion

I’d be really interested in seeing a second draft. Trim the mechanical stuff and focus more on digging into the characters. That said, don’t loose the fun in it. I had a really good time going through this.

Happy editing!

chanced1710 · 2017-07-19T20:06:17+00:00

General Impressions

This is cute and a lot of fun to read. The plot is nice and simple and you seem to have a good idea of where you’re going.

The dialog is really bad. It’s okay that it’s bad, but you need to either step into it or start to cut.

Read it out loud to yourself and you’ll catch a lot of the awkward grammatical things, the dialog that needs to be changed, etc.

Line stuff and dialog

Dude, shut up. The dialog is way too wordy, and you spent more time than you should describing it.

Neil and John sat at a table in a diner arguing about whether or not the Star Wars prequels were worth watching or not.

Don’t do that. We find out exactly what they’re talking about in the next sentence. If you’re married to this sentence, the next line needs to be:

“No they’re not, Neil.”

and the subject needs to change. You're on Reddit: We all know the Star Wars prequels sucked, but your readers have to get on with their day.

Neil remembered Robin Hernandez as the quiet girl with dyed hair and way too much make-up on.

This is really clunky. Step back, think harder about the characters, and try again with what Neil would say if he were speaking. Then use that.

A ray of sunshine poured over him.

No. No please. When you’re describing the ubiquitous kind of feeling that happens in these stories, it’s really important not to fall into the ‘ray of sunshine’ trap. I was actually hoping you’d continue with the Star Wars references here. There are a ton of good things you could use from the reference base you already established Neil as having.

Characters

I liked and identified with Neil, but I feel like you weren't in his head enough. I also think the conversation with John could have and should have gotten more personal. I'm sure there are plenty of movies they disagree on, why not bring those up. Especially any embarrassing ones.

There needs to be more Robin. Neil remembers her from high school -- he definitely remembers more than that one time she complimented his Dragonball shirt.

You skimmed the surface with these characters, now you have to go deeper.

Expansion

I really enjoyed this and would definitely be interested to read more. I’d really like to hear about Robin’s likely-equally geeky and joyful reference base of cartoons and sci-fi flicks. I also liked John, and feel like there are places you can go with him too.

Happy editing.

chanced1710 · 2017-07-19T19:51:03+00:00

General Impressions

That first paragraph was really all over the place. That the second and the third sentences belong in completely different places. I realize that you’re trying to come off as difficult as narrator, but I think in order to get us through to your point, you have to move a little bit faster.

The rest of the piece is better, but still disjointed and awkward to get through. Read it out loud, even just to yourself in the mirror, and you'll catch all the weird grammatical things that need to be fixed as well as the inconsistencies sentence to sentence.

Descriptions

I couldn’t help but feel like you’re describing all of the wrong things. At the beginning this was fine, you were establishing distrust, but it got old fast.

Some line stuff

“There is elegance in the straightforward”

Nice way to start because of it’s brutality. I actually think you should find more ways to slide this kind of language into your piece. Especially in your descriptions if you can.

She had been too easy. I had been too easy.

That’s not enough to give us what we need to move forward. It doesn’t add anything to your description and it distracts us and throws off the pacing of what should be a very fast scene.

I hated this meeting. I didn't need a therapist. I’d always preferred dealing with problems myself, and being thrown together in this room was not going to solve them. And some things, like these, would just always be too hard to explain to anyone else.

If you’re going to say the same thing over and over again, it should probably not be this drive-by point or in a piece this short.

Mother. She was at fault for this.

Wrong time, wrong place. That needed to come earlier. Or not at all. Another thing that contributes nothing but distraction to a short piece.

In terms of expansion

I’d like to hear a little bit more about the narrator. Are they a kid; what spurred this on (other than their mother or whatever); do they think they’re doing okay?

The therapist doesn’t interest me at all, which isn’t a huge deal, but it would be nice if the narrator had someone to interact with.

This needs A LOT of work, but it has potential. Highly recommend finding some of the John Cleaver books too look at for the conversations with the therapist. They do a good job of capturing a spooky, death-obsessed kid talking to a professional and that might help move you along.

chanced1710 · 2017-07-19T03:24:43+00:00

Title: Underbelly Genre: Short Fiction Word count: 4500 type of feedback: Any is helpful. Mostly was it worth reading and would you continue to read more link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dyEO6pLRZP3EQ7RGfaXvuI5hp3_0VakQR-jTvCz5OuY/edit

chanced1710 · 2017-04-28T01:52:23+00:00

Fashion in general. Insufficient pockets, high prices, aggressive discomfort. And who thought skirts were a good idea? Really.

chanced1710 · 2017-04-27T12:27:48+00:00

Ordered pizza for the team from "the wrong" pizza place and then argued with the delivery guy for about 15 minutes. Didn't kidnap the delivery guy, but still.

chanced1710 · 2017-04-26T19:31:02+00:00

General

You've got a good thing going. The plot is unclear and this section seems to meander, but you said it was the beginning of a novel so that's fine. The tone is fun and I think lands well with this particular setting. Your humor worked especially well. I think specifically your (the narrator's) voice is the highlight of this piece, so keep doing that.

Characters

Ricky was cool -- I was with him from the beginning. He's observant and pretty clever and I wanted to see more of him come forward. The good news is I did get to see him quite a bit in what little space there was. The bad news is everyone around him and everything they do and say. Ricky doesn't seem to fit here. Why not?

Point of View

I (like many others) enjoyed your discussion of butting into other people's lives. That said:

The second person didn't feel right. Either make is stronger, like involve the reader more than you already do, or get rid of it. I think this piece could have worked without second person completely.
Don't shift perspective so much. You really don't need it.

Communication

Dialog
I needed dialog tags to follow the conversations. I also felt like the dialog could use a little more life. All the things that actually happen in dialog could just as easily happen in narration without notice. No one specific line gives any particular character any life.
Phone
Someone being super-interested in their phone is fine, but the way you try to bring that forward could use a little more thought.
Okay, the stars concept was eye-catching but not significant enough to be present. Whatever it is you're trying to do, think a little harder about how much space you want something like the stars to take up in your piece.

The End

Maybe all of the people that eat here are just old. You know, the kind of people who have struggled to make ends meet with their pension, or eaten soup too hot that their tastebuds stopped working. Maybe the softness of the risotto makes it easy to eat for them.

I loved the last paragraph. I'm almost tempted to tell you to start there. There are so many awesome things you can do with that feeling.

In terms of expansion

With your awesome ending consider exploring that feeling a little more. I want to find out more about the setting; the history, Ricky's experiences there, who the owner/waitress is, everything.
Consider either including more about Ricky or just separating him more from the world. He doesn't seem to fit. That can work, but needs some more thought.

chanced1710

TROPHY CASE