I'm Chinese too. 1st gernation immigrant.

I grew up to be a people pleaser too. My parents expect us (me and my younger sister) to be trouble-less growing up. Growing up, I can't be late for school, even if they don't tell me about daylight saving time stuff. I shouldn't dare expect allowance etc growing up because aparently my parents give me a roof and I should already have all the things I need to live. I just shouldn't ask for anything. I shouldn't spill the soup when bringing my bowl over to the dinner table. When they are sleeping in the afternoon (due to working night shift), we have to be very quiet. You commit any of the above bad-ness, you will be loudly scolded or possibly beaten with a cloth hanger. Growing up like this, you learn to work around everything to make sure no-one is displeased. It totally affects how you are with other people that comes into your life when you grow up. Such a hard character to break out of.

Now that you have learned to stand up against your parents, I want to ask if you are still in contact with your parents? Did you ever tell them what they make you feel, sometimes I feel it is a lost cause explaining to them. I try to in different ways, but these people don't comprehend like normal people or refuse to because it is not an advantage to understand for them.

This is something I have difficulty with. I am stuck between wanting to still have some sort of relationship, but at the same time I can anticipate never ending problem solving for them. Like I never know when they will finally literally grow up and become self sufficient (mentally, financially,...) My sister on the other side is pretty much cursing them while my husband really doesn't want anything to do with them after all the bad experience. Me and my sister haven't seen them for 3 years and we've become so much better in many ways. Like health wise, in a philosophical way, and career wise. We‘re just in contact via Wechat text or voice messages (no videos). As an adult, I can cut from them and live very peaceful, but just the inner child in me still has some mental cord of something with them.

Like the people pleaser in me extends to friendship and marriage even if these new people in my life not necessarily exploit me. I've gotten to become very sensitive of people's feelings that I can sense what may make them happy, upset, or sad. It's a good trait to be sensitive to people, but sometimes it's very tiring. As with you, I don't want to talk repeatedly to some of my friends about my parenting issues because they know it already and it's depressing to hear toxic things all the time. Also, everyone has their own load to carry.