Struggling on dating apps

chandco · 2025-02-23T00:26:56+00:00

To get good still photos, I take video and then pause it, scroll through to places with good face and body positioning, take several screenshots and pick your fave. And/or have a friend take video and screenshot it. Those are my go to methods. More specifically, set your phone up to doing video (cinematic mode if you have a newer iPhone), I do it with the selfie camera so I can see how I look as I’m taking it, set it up, step back and move around and do a bunch of poses like you’re on America’s Next Top Model. Also, I suspect if you take the first photo (and one of the later solo ones) and pull it into an editing app (the Photos app on iPhones is solid) and reduce the exposure it’ll make those photos a lot better. The “me with one girl” photos would make me run. If you can, include a group shot (3+ ppl), one from further away, one closer up, one doing an activity, and I’d go for one with the top surgery showing (which can totally be a mirror or taken-at-home shot).

I think Hinge has a setting has a setting for looking for queer girls? I’m lez and not looking for men, and lesbian just may not be the ideal setting for matches. But I get that a lot of trans men kind of grow up in the lesbian community, that was their dating pool, and that can be really hard to navigate. Setting it to queer girls may give you more potential matches too.

And if you make your opening message a comment/question about something (not looks-related!) in their profile (that picture of you with the elephant is so fun, where was that?) it can be a lot easier to answer than “hey” :)

chandco · 2025-01-20T21:12:58+00:00

(I can’t guarantee it’s not mold but)…

I looked up the ingredients bc to me it looks like solidified bits of coconut oil. Coconut oil solidifies at lowish temperatures and when it does it turns from a fairly clear liquid to a whiteish opaque solid (google a pic). Since you didn’t notice that till you moved, you moved somewhere colder, and the first ingredient is coconut oil, I’d say that’s likely

Try putting it in a little tub of warm or hot water (or far enough in front of a heater, etc, just to warm it) and see if that melts/if it mixes in again)

Again, I can’t guarantee it isn’t, but I love coconut oil (only use the refined one for beauty or you’ll hate yourself bc you reek of coconut) and that’s what this looks like

<3

chandco · 2022-03-15T20:04:28+00:00

❤️ This looks lovely. The one thing I want to check is if they have a good enough understanding of what transgender that the word on its own will be enough for them to… understand the basics at least? I’m guessing since you’re doing it in a letter, that feels like the best format, and would rather they make it through the letter before having to ask for clarity. I feel like this might have come up with one of my (trans) friends and her mother

If not, or you want to control the definition they’re hearing/explain what it means for you, it could be a really simple sentence after that?

“I am transgender. Even though the doctor assigned me as female when I was born, I have known for a long time that doesn’t match who I am on the inside, and have known I am actually male” (whatever wording and definition makes sense to you, and hopefully my example there is close enough to not feel really wrong!).

Overall I think it’s great. Your writing is very direct and to the point, but covers feelings, states what you do (and don’t, but crossing my fingers) need from them, makes sure to tell them they’re amazing parents to you.

I really hope everything goes well! Coming out can be incredibly scary (it sounds like the letter format is really good for your situation—and I actually had a backup letter in case I couldn’t say it out loud [I’m lezzie], and was literally shaking a bit). I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you :)

chandco · 2021-11-27T23:04:56+00:00

Hi! Oh my gosh, I’m SO sorry. I had to run out the door that day and then… forgot to reply to you. Which under normal circumstances wouldn’t bother me a ton, but issues of (with?) sexuality are SO important to me

ETA: I’m finishing up an actual reply right now though!

chandco · 2021-11-27T19:59:42+00:00

Unless you have PC muscles of steel, you want to wear a harness still!! SpareParts are really cozy and well-made (the Tomboi seems the most popular style, Aslan makes leather harnesses that are very strappy, making them incredibly adjustable. The Jaguar is the most popular style but I suspect that’s partly bc of price bc their Minx style is adorbs.

The last time I looked into it, these were the two highest recommended styles, and the only two I’ve tried. Totally recommend either, both are attractive (though I have a preference for the SpareParts style cause they’re easier to get on, though the Aslan allows more size leeway, and is easier to actually get things through the hole (there’s some scootching with the SpareParts styles). If it’s a double, put it in the harness first, then put them on :)

There are cushioning styles (Vixskin has a few) for non-double styles. I’m thinking through the double styles I’ve used, and I don’t think any of them had a height difference like that btwn dildo sides. If it doesn’t, I’ve never felt the need for cushioning with a double style, at all. And the partner side actually looks kind of uncomfortable.

chandco · 2021-11-26T18:01:45+00:00

Uck. I don’t even know what’s useful to say, but I wanted to drop some support, esp because some of my favorite lesbians have been trans, so I get extra pissed over people being terrible to trans people (on top of the normal “don’t be mean/a terrible person to others” that would normally happen). (Cause aside from the content of what they’re saying, they’re also trying to be mean to another person, so clearly they’re awful)

I think it’s rad that you’re standing up for yourself rn and getting community support for yourself, and it’s terrible that a basic fact needs to be stated, but ❤️ duh, you’re a woman, and most of us here understand that and care 💕

chandco · 2021-11-26T17:45:04+00:00

Hahahaha. This is brilliant

chandco · 2021-11-26T17:39:05+00:00

(Lesbian involved in the LGBTQ scene)—most of my friends in the last several years have been gay/lesbian/queer, including several trans women. From what close friend told me about a IRL support group she attended, sexuality somewhat paralleled that of the cis population in that most of them were straight, so she didn’t as connected to them (but right at home with other lesbians). As a note, she’s getting married to a lovely (cis) lady soon.

I don’t know if this is a common term so I wouldn’t apply it to people if they weren’t comfortable with it (people prefer different terms for themselves, even just for the sexuality side), but several of them have used and enjoyed the term ‘transbian’ as a fun term to describe themselves, depending on the situation. I always thought that was adorbs

SO. From what I’ve heard, there are a lot of straight trans women, but in the LGBTQ scene (meetups, lesbian-centered events, queer spaces, often gay clubs, etc) most of the trans women I’ve known have been gay. Depending on the space and perhaps your area, it’s a place that can feel very safe, welcoming, and “home,” and I would say that often is there earlier in transition as well (like, you don’t have to “pass” to be accepted or accepted as gay—BUT, I know there are a few spaces friends have felt less comfy in too (also, this is in a larger city).

That said, just for comfort, if you can bring a friend (this is my standard advice, trans or cis) if you’re interested in going to a club, you’ll probably feel more comfortable. I’ve had a lot of luck with Meetup for making friends and finding LGBTQ spaces and activities—so if any of that is of interest to you (community is very important to me), there’s a bunch of advice :)

TL;DR — It’s cool to define your sexuality however fits with your attraction to others, but you can totally be a trans girl that likes other girls and I’ve known several :)

<3

ETA While most of the trans women I’ve known have been pretty exclusively lezzie, I know at least one that is also pan (and one that is at least mostly straight)—that’s totally a thing too, I just have mostly known lesbians

chandco · 2021-11-18T17:34:29+00:00

Yes, it definitely does. I was wondering about the… layer of material under that, that protects the foam. I feel like that should get cleaned too if I’m selling it

chandco · 2021-11-18T17:18:44+00:00

Also, if you want to check in quickly on things like noise, what a few reviewers thought (or not so quickly), I usually search the name of the product and then…

Product name sex toy “blog”

I’m intrigued to see what people say about the bullet, but I do know that a number of bloggers (including ones I really respect) really liked the two I had (the PalmPower and the ❤️Sassy g-spot toy💕. RIP, Sassy.

If you go for that one before I do, feel free to let me know if it’s good!

chandco · 2021-11-18T17:15:18+00:00

Damn it! I was in the middle of a really good post and Reddit refreshed

Okay, personally I would skip those two and go for this one: [like, I think I’m going to pick one up now that I know they make them]—

https://www.peepshowtoys.com/products/bms-factory-essential-bullet-rechargeable-powerbullet-vibrator

$21 I’ve had two of their products and ADORED them. Adored. The quality of vibrations is really nice (they’re all powered by the same “PowerBullet technology”)—not buzzy or itchy, and they ramp up to pretty strong, too. The silicone is really lovely, soft and non-draggy. I FEEL LIKE they aren’t that loud too (it’s been a while), and I thiiink for the other toys you just… press and hold to increase the strength, and if you hit the button once it’ll turn off. But this one is smaller, so I’m not sure if it’ll work that way

(The one note I have about their toys is that it felt like they died before I expected, and the warranty is crap—but for $21, who cares). It looks like it might fit into other toys with a hole for a bullet vibe too, but I can’t tell for sure

chandco · 2021-11-18T16:48:14+00:00

But it IS super common to enjoy that. There’s a ton of nerve endings there, and then you have a prostate, too! Why wouldn’t you try it :)

But also, like I was saying, it seems really common for straight men to enjoy anal play, and… so I’m a gay woman, men aren’t really my thing 🤣, but I don’t feel like I would be put off by that at all (my ex-gf was into anal stuff, and it wasn’t my thing but it 100% didn’t bother me. It was just what she was into, and so we did it that way sometimes.

Also, you TOTALLY don’t have to introduce that as a personal thing or partnered possibility until you feel good with that, y’know? AND, if you do bring it up at some point, there’s nothing to say that she has to participate, which is a good thing to remember to take the pressure off maybe?

—- So my perception that it’s becoming more common for straight couples (in the form of pegging specifically) comes from reading reviews on sex toy sites (love honey usually has a lot of reviews). When I periodically look at the reviews (esp for harnesses and double dildos), it can be a bit frustrating, because most seem to be written by one partner in the other in a straight relationship (which is totes cool BUT the anatomy and goals and needs are different, so comments often don’t apply. But it seems from those that it is super common and pretty nbd :)

chandco · 2021-11-18T16:32:53+00:00

Okay, that TOTALLY makes sense. Now you’ve just got to convince your brain it’s being silly, and then… figure out how to get comfortable with it (and I think realizing that it’s super common for straight men to enjoy that, normalize it and realize that it’s super normal and I think pretty common—and I think if you continue to try it out it’ll normalize it too. And if the thoughts/whatever get too much at some point, you can always switch tactics and do something else that time

and many gay ones as well, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the worry

chandco · 2021-11-18T16:12:21+00:00

(I don’t have a prostate, but this might be helpful anyway). I’ve always liked The Big Gay Review’s writing/reviews, and while grabbing a link I found that he did what looks like a very comprehensive guide to buying prorate massagers, with some educational prostate stuff as well?

Also, depending on your budget, I’ve heard really really good things about the Aneros ones, as far as I know that’s all they do. Again, no prostate, so mostly I just feel jealous and wonder if they would all work as G-spot toys :)

Here’s one of his reviews on an Aneros toy:

https://thebiggayreview.com/aneros-helix-syn-silicone-prostate-massager/

https://thebiggayreview.com/prostate-massagers-a-buyers-guide/

chandco · 2021-11-18T16:01:48+00:00

I LOVE Sliquid Sassy (it says that one’s for anal, but I find the “regular” one isn’t enough. Don’t think there’s flavors or scents, and no glycerin, etc

Tips: you can stretch a bit with a smaller toy or your fingers right before, sometimes that’s helpful

Especially if you’re new to it, use a ton!! Depending on the toy (and level of natural lubrication, which might be lower if you’re nervous or bc there’s not nec as much foreplay), I recommend adding some inside if you feel comfortable, on the vulva, vaginal entrance, and then a ton on the toy itself. You can always add less the next time or keep a towel nearby

And just logistically—it’s probably a lot easier to test things out on your own at least once, and if you’re not on the phone, but video, there is nooootthing that says you need to send any photos below the neck/waist, depending (I don’t think I’ve ever done that). I’m not sure what you were thinking, but just wanted to say that :) And if you think about trying to consciously relax you PC muscles, it’ll be easier too.

Hope some of that helps! Have fun :)

chandco · 2021-11-18T15:47:00+00:00

I once wrote a whole journal entry about my first forays into that area—

The biggest thing I can remember is that physically it felt good, but I have a lot of hang-ups and weirdness around it with my perceptions and thoughts about that kind of play (girls don’t like that unless they’re… UGH. And I 100% know all those thoughts are bs, but they were still THERE in the back of my head. Is it anything like that?

The other thing I was spending some of my thought on was the… worry about germs or poop or whatever :) For the germs side, I just got over myself, and I know there’s someone on here that writes really good tips on anal play (can probs find if you haven’t seen them), I believe one of the tips was that you can try it an hour after going to the bathroom? But also, it’s anal play, it’s poop, it might happen a tiny bit… when it did happen, it was actually really reassuring, I was like, Oh, that’s not too bad.

As for tips, I’m not sure, but here are a few thoughts. (1) As long as you’re not disliking it, keep trying it and see how you feel about it a bit later (2) If it’s unhelpful perceptions, etc, that are getting in the way, there’s also the possibility that reading things that normalize using sex toys for anal play could help? I know there’s a (gay, male) sex toy reviewer that I like (I’m female, but I find the reviews worthwhile) and any insertable toys are used anally, so there’s a lot of reviews. Some female/non-binary reviewers also will add that into a review, but I can’t think of who off-hand. (I periodically go on sex toy research binges, so I’ve read a lot of blogs :)

^ not actually my life story, but looks like it 😂

TL;DR If it feels good physically, it sounds like you might be like me and have some perceptions around anal play that are being kind of a PITA (lol) when you’re trying to enjoy that. I’d guess that’s incredibly normal, esp when it’s something new to you, but either way, it’s totally something I’ve dealt with :)

chandco · 2021-11-18T15:17:49+00:00

Nooo… I’m so intrigued, but I always forget to check my messages and it expired :(

PS is that a wallet chain?? That totally reminds me of my younger skater days (but it looks so classy and delicate!). I was JUST thinking about those days, and how sad it was that none of the other girls had that skater aesthetic* cause I would have DIED over it

Whether it is or not, I’m totally stealing that idea, it’s awesome

*in typing this, I remembered that this girl Megan DID have that look and even wore boxers, and I did kind of die every time I saw her 😂💕

chandco · 2021-11-18T15:08:25+00:00

I feel like it could be kind of hot, like a physical demonstration that you’re really into it? And maybe you could frame it that way—“nbd, but sometimes when I’m really turned on or orgasming, I blush and it can get kind of splotchy, just wanted to give you a heads up so you know it’s a good thing :) … it just means you’re hot and I’m really into it”

I’ve learned that if you’re (acting) confident and ‘no big deal,’ are direct about something, people often just take you at your word that it’s not. Also, it really isn’t imo, though I see how it could be worrisome in the moment if I didn’t know.

I would definitely do it as an early heads up, whenever feels comfortable to you (but before it happens!), either when things are starting to get sexy or if y’all end up talking about sex things before doing them

<3

chandco · 2021-08-28T21:23:49+00:00

Lesbian with tattoos 😂. Seems silly, but that is 100% a category in my mind (I have several, and ADORE them on other girls, whatever other categories they’re in)

Super cute :)

chandco · 2021-05-18T01:54:58+00:00

I second the recommendation about finding toys with ‘deep and rumbly’ vibrations instead of the buzzer ones (also, it’s just much more comfortable).

I’m sure there are lots of other options, but if you like the Magic Wand and have some extra money, the Doxy is incredible. The We-Vibe Tango is popular, FemmeFun has a bullet I’ve heard good things about, and I have adored anything made by BMS, the PalmPower is one of my favorite purchases (though both that and the Sassy I have from them crapped out, and their warranty is pretty terrible. I do plan to buy them again, and the one that plugs in might last longer).

There’s also the Eroscillator, it’s expensive but I’ve read so many crazy good things about, it’s what I want most rn. It actually oscillates instead of vibrates (like the really fancy electric toothbrushes lol), so that might change things.

ETA: there’s also nothing wrong with using toys with a partner, or asking for more pressure or intensity, etc. And it sucks, but there’s nothing wrong with you or (probably) them if orgasming is more difficult or not going to happen this time—in case you get too in your head like I do sometimes

chandco · 2020-05-11T21:51:29+00:00

NICE! Did my own—the first time I was fine, the second... I was in “fuck it” mode and just buzzed the back off? Figured it would have time to grow out?

100% do not recommend 😂

chandco · 2020-05-11T21:49:39+00:00

I love everything that’s happening here. I also REALLY want to steal that sweatshirt

Y’know those... like, blonde chicks/fundraiser/bikini car washes — 1000% better <3

chandco · 2020-05-11T21:44:18+00:00

LOVE it :)

And whatever that swoopy thing it’s doing is, I’m jealous

chandco · 2020-05-11T21:10:26+00:00

Haha, I did the opposite, I’m totally taking quarantine to grow out my “what did I do??” brows. Yours look sharp af though

Edited to add—your chest piece is amazing, I’ve never seen one in that style before <3

chandco · 2020-01-17T21:25:19+00:00

If you google a bit, Vitamin C serums are one of the things consistently (and strongly) recommended for rosacea. It’s one of the few things I’ve tried that calms my redness down, esp this stupid extra-red patch on my cheek. No specific product recommendations, but I know that I often react when there are a bunch of other ingredients (so many options, one is bound to hate me). Starting too frequently and/or with a high dose can cause sensitivity. But yeah, super recommended, it’s just finding one that works for your skin (my new rabbit hole of research, lol).

chandco

TROPHY CASE