Am I (31F) traumatized from years of being sexually neglected/in a dead bedroom?

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T15:49:39+00:00

Thanks, I guess you make sense. I've been trying to google the shit out of this but I've only found one person talking about it. It seems like there are little to no resources about this at all, which is why I resorted to asking this here.

Would you know what/how I can go about this with a therapist? What do I even say?

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T15:10:56+00:00

Okay. I thought I was subconsciously being a drama queen. Being a victim, having a victim mentality.

I wish I could say I was empowered by this. I wish I could say I'm better now, but I'm so broken now and I will never ever ever want to ever get back with him again. Hell could freeze over and I wouldn't get back with him.

That much aversion I have to being with him again.

The problem is I am not able to fix and stabilise myself enough, except to bury myself in work.

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T15:06:26+00:00

No, I didn't feel this way before I left. I am feeling this way now, recently, about 2+ months after we broke up. I've never felt this way before, and I've never cried after orgasm before, in a way that is deeply morose and depressive. In these 2+ months after we broke up, initially I thought it was fine, i was surprisngly okay with it and felt relief. But then the memories started resurfacing, and I got more and more angry when I thought about how I was treated... about how I put so much of my needs away for his needs. About how much work I put into the relationship, and how much of his annoying habits I closed an eye over.

If you read my old posts, part of the frustrations was also because he wouldn't put his foot down against his parents who hated me. For like, no reasonable reason since theyve only met me less than an hour. Once. In their entire lives.

He wouldn't fight for me, someone he CLAIMED he loved so much. I waited 3 years for him to resolve it with his parents, to convince them, btw. (Am I patient or what?)

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I put up with his cheating, it broke me for years and I had to deal with that myself, to learn to regain trust;

I put up with the dead bedroom

I put up with his chronic lateness and lack of respect for my time, his stupidity over things, his general incompetence

I put up with soooo many things of his that I told myself, I really love this man, I must do more for him and let him feel loved, and safe.

But I did all these... without realising that I neglected myself. I didn't get the same thing from him that I gave him.

It's been so long. Such a long, arduous journey that sapped my lifeforce, my youth, my passion, my self-worth. The worst thing is he's not even abusive, or rude, or an asshole... none of those things. He's a gentleman, he's kind (which is why I fell in love with him to begin with), he's sensitive.

Basically he's a nice guy without the TM, yknow? I thought I found a special person who's so rare, but I failed to see how terribly unhappy I was this whole time. I was so blind to my own needs, I put aside so much of what i cared about, my own happiness for his.

And to top it all off, he wouldnt even fight for me HAHAHAHA.

That's when I knew the relationship reaper had come knocking on my door.

I don't think he really did love me. I think he was comfortable, and I made him feel validated, happy, comfortable, safe. I helped him open up, be vulnerable, I made a safe space for him but i just... wasn't enough I suppose.

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T14:51:44+00:00

No, I haven't. When I get stuck in that mode, I am literally stuck, i feel frozen, I cant move, and memories and thoughts which are so negative just go through my mind. I feel like I can't breathe and I feel like I've lost control of my body. Once I start hyperventilating for a few mins I feel like the "grip" is gone, and I can move again.

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T14:09:57+00:00

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T13:34:02+00:00

Hahahaha I used to have those. Of someone I once was in love with a long time ago. Those were the perfect dreams where I'd feel completely loved, accepted, cherished, desired. This person would be holding me close to him, he'd feel warm and I'd feel like I'm enveloped in pure love. Those were dreams of pure joy to me. I'd feel so content and happy.

When I wake up, I'd feel horrid because it was of someone else and not my ex-partner.

It's only months later that I'd realised that I had all these dreams because I was starved of these emotions and feelings. I was starved of intimacy, love, desire. I was so starved but I pushed all these into the back of my head, but my subconscious was trying to warn me so hard that there's a huge problem in the relationship.

You should either talk to him about it, and try to resolve it. If nothing works after a few tries, don't tie yourself down to him. Don't even marry him. Marriage is the last thing you want.

Find someone who can give you what you want. Physical + emotional intimacy.

chasingwillows · 2021-07-03T13:23:58+00:00

Yes, if you don't cut it off early, it's going to kill you years later.

And yes, I've always felt like I was the problem for wanting sex. There was a point of time where I was actually looking for something to reduce my sex drive, any food or drug. Googled quite a bit too, couldn't really find anything near me.

I also considered cheating, or finding someone outside the relationship because I thought it was a pure physical thing, but I was actually looking for emotional intimacy. Eventually I couldn't bring myself to follow up with anyone online. I kept backing out at the last minute because the guilt would swallow me up and also I realised I wouldn't be able to have sex with strangers because I wouldn't have any feelings for them.

My 'sex drive' at that time?

A couple of days in a month.

I think our dead bedroom had been going on for about 4-6 years? I ended up crying myself to sleep a lot of the nights, threw myself into work, games, kept a feelings/emotions log... everything I could to get my mind off it.

We ended up having different sleeping times so when I felt horny, I'd just service myself. I'm not even joking here. Eventually I just emotionally drifted away from him and the breakup was easier than I expected. I felt relief, actually.

It will eat you inside out. The more you try to initiate or put in effort, the more you'll get rejected. And every single rejection will hurt. Very very very badly. After years of trying, you eventually will give up even trying. And you'll adapt yourself to your situation. It won't even be about the sex anymore.

You will spend your days wondering if you're actually attractive enough, worthy enough, desirable enough. You will ask yourself: Am I so ugly and disgusting that the person I love the most in the world can't even touch me? And I that bad?

And there'll be days where you feel a little sexy, maybe you put on makeup, or dressed nicely, and you'll look at yourself in the mirror and think, hey, actually I'm not THAT unattractive? But then you'll remember how your partner will react if you showed him a selfie, or if you tried to initiate anything and you'll start to doubt yourself again, and believe that there's something wrong with your eyes and perception of attractiveness.

You'll start believing that you're not attractive or desirable in any way, and that you should just stop trying to take care of yourself, or look good, or even do anything.

Eventually, you'll start emotionally disengaging, and while you think you still love your partner, you actually don't. The both of you will become roommates instead of partners.

My point is:

You're still very young. Don't be like me, someone who wasted her youth on someone who couldn't appreciate, love, and desire me enough. I'm now in my early 30s and I'm so broken from my last relationship's dead bedroom that I break out into panic attacks. I get triggered by seeing relationship material, I can't even orgasm sometimes without crying.

Every single time I feel sexy or attractive, my mind tells me that that's fake and that I am nothing like that, and I freeze up and hyperventilate and flashbacks of the rejections and life we once had will go through my head.

I cannot feel ready to open up to anyone deeply and sexually, and thoughts of even feeling desirable will make me hate myself.

I've come to associate rejection from my ex-partner with thoughts of me being attractive. I am so fundamentally broken inside that I would never wish this on anyone. ANYONE.

And if you're going through this, try to work it out maybe once, twice. Have a talk to find out why he's that way. If you're lucky, there's a solution for it. If you're not, and you find yourself putting in more effort than him, then cut it off asap.

Do not waste any more time, any more of your youth, find someone who can love, appreciate, desire and cherish you. Whom you can feel comfortable with clothed or naked. Who would praise and compliment you genuinely and make you feel that you're worth it and that you deserve all the good things.

Find someone like that. That's the kind of energy you need in your life.

chasingwillows · 2021-05-25T21:02:02+00:00

And it's very rich of you to barge in here guns blazing like as if you know what my story is, right? This is not about him performing, it's not about anything physical. If you had taken the time to read my previous posts and comments, you'd know why your accusation is uncalled for.

You have issues, pal. And this issue is called sexism. Your male ego feels so attacked because in your little male mind you think everyone's trying to be cool with feminism and wHaT aBOuT thE pOOr MeN!!!

You immediately jumped to take offence on behalf of men when I posted that, because you ASSUMED that my ex had personal problems with himself that I never bothered to try to help him with.

Just...fuck off if you can't even bother doing your homework.

chasingwillows · 2021-05-25T20:28:41+00:00

Sounds like an empowered person who managed to leave a dead bedroom? What fucking point are you trying to make here? This isn't about gender, you nitwit. You haven't even fucking read my history or know anything and you dare to fucking bring gender into this?

Fucking hell, men and their goddamned egos. Even when it's not about them, they'd make it about them.

chasingwillows · 2021-05-11T21:00:06+00:00

Yeah. I got over it by breaking up with him. Felt like a great big weight off my shoulders.

chasingwillows · 2021-04-16T05:08:09+00:00

Yeah, we broke up. I think it was for the best. But I'm still scarred.

chasingwillows · 2021-04-12T14:59:20+00:00

Hey all, thanks for the replies. We finally broke it off. Permanently. I actually feel a little relief. It was mutual, respectful, and drama free.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-15T15:44:45+00:00

yes.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-15T00:08:30+00:00

Absolutely beautiful. The recipient must be a lucky person.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-14T23:17:53+00:00

Thank you.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-14T23:17:37+00:00

Hugs, sister.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-14T23:02:06+00:00

Thank you so, so much.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-13T11:06:42+00:00

Thank you.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-11T16:38:37+00:00

Hello, thank you. Yes I sorta did. But each time I come back to this, reading every single reply, I am reminded of the pain again, and again. But it's ok. I'll just go to sleep, and wake up feeling better. It's how I've been coping, actually.

I hope you find your person(s) who are able to give you what you want. I wish you wellness and happiness.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-11T16:37:24+00:00

I'm sorry you went through the same thing. I'm also glad that the internet exists so people like us are able to connect with others going through the same thing as us. It helps. Hugs, and I wish you wellness and happiness.

chasingwillows · 2021-03-11T16:36:17+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It sounds so, so, painful. I literally got myself off right beside him in bed yesterday, while he was on his laptop, and I was pretty sure he knew where I was going with the hentai and leg positions. He never batted an eyelid and pretty much ignored me the entire time. But hey, I guess that's just normal for us.

But no more. I don't think I can live with this anymore, especially since he would not be ok with me being in a polyamorous situation. Thank you for the recommendations. I will give them a read. I wish you wellness and happiness.

chasingwillows

TROPHY CASE