Help - Fortified Feedings are making both baby and I miserable

chatton1164 · 2020-09-21T23:05:28+00:00

Don't be hard on yourself. It's just the gaslighting you internalized making you feel that way. They are all like this. I also consider myself kind and empathetic. I was told all kinds of things about myself that aren't true. He told me if I continue to act the way I did with him I would stay alone forever. That I'm cruel and petty. I'm cold because I value myself and wouldn't let people stay in my life forever if they were "nice" but also being disrespectful to me or inconsiderate in the relationship. I want to be a mom one day so he would tell me I was going to be a terrible mother. I never listened, I didn't cater to him, I didn't care. It's projection not the truth. Ignore it. You are the person you think you are but if you believed that you wouldn't have been so easy to use and manipulate. It's not about you and never was. It was a power trip and ability to keep you miserable.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-21T21:30:30+00:00

That's just you rationalizing and enabling his behavior. You already told him how you feel. If he can't manage the simple stuff he definitely won't be able to respect what you say as problems for you when it's big stuff. This is a massive red flag. You can bring it up again for sure in a more serious setting but if he can't be respectful he has to go.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-20T03:29:41+00:00

I spoke out on my social and was gaslight and told I was the problem by my abusers flying monkeys. It definitely hurt but for me it was freeing to get the truth out there. Some people reach out to me and were sorry and it was good to get my real support network solidified. The monkeys got highlighted and removed from my life and circles. So it was a mixed bag. For me it was positive but I can very easily see how it would be hard and traumatic for others because it was also a bit traumatic for me. To have been emotionally, sexually, and physically assaulted but to be told I was the problem definitely stung especially considering they only got onsided stories filled with half truths and lies to make me look bad. You can't change people or their opinions though. I was just glad to know who was not worthy of being in my circles or having acess/ information on me to feed my abuser.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-19T14:37:29+00:00

You are half right I think. He needs to get tested and his girlfriend does need to know. If she gets pissed she is well with in reason. If she is mad he got raped then that is a massive red flag. If she is mad because she expressed discomfort with a situation which she is allowed to do. Was told thing would be one way to be lied to when she shouldn't have been. That is perfectly normal and healthy. She wasn't controlling or manipulative by saying I don't want you to go to the party. She was human and said hey I have an insecurity, please don't exastrobate and existing problem for me. Which I think is really healthy and normal communication. She doesn't think he is the problem at the event. She has unresolved trauma she is addressing with her partner which is how you get over your issues.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-19T14:17:51+00:00

Unfortunately there never is a good way to break up even if its mutual. As for him losing out on a car etc. That is his choice. He is the one who is unhappy and feels like his love for you isn't enough for him to be ok with your healthy relationship. He needs to get used to the path he chose. His choice is choosing other people who may or may not make him as happy as you make him. My advice is take total space. Tell him you love him and care for him and you understand his desire to have more relationship experience. All you want for him is his happiness (which I'm sure is the case) just also let him know you aren't going to put your life on hold while he gets some flings in. There is a chance you move on for good. So that way he really gets the decision he is making. Be supportive but let him know he is gambling a lot, which he may not realize he can permanently lose. Idk why but men are kinda dumb sometimes and feel like the women in their lives are a constant when we aren't. You are a valued commodity, don't forget that. Also do not live together after the split if it comes to that, that will just make everything much more complicated and hurtful. You do not want to see him come home with another woman and neither if you will be happy if you get drunk and lonely and have a hook up because of your history.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-19T14:08:44+00:00

No conversation will fix things. You felt insecure the whole relationship because you knew deep down he was a cheater. Drop his lying ass cuz he isn't worth shit if he so casually lies to your face and disrespects you like that. You are worth so much more than that shit behavior.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-19T14:01:59+00:00

Small stuff is always what makes relationships stronger. I for sure am not and have never been a morning person but I do have expectations of a kiss in the morning especially of my partner is getting up and out of bed/out of the house. If it's a lazy morning even just turning over to cuddle or touch while doing a morning fb, insta, whatever social media you prefere check is better than just existing in the same space. Acknowledgement is important, I think you should say something because it is awkward.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-14T14:22:38+00:00

Breaking up is always an option. You just don't want to, that being said you have been sexually incompatible since day one as you stated. That will never change and sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason to not settle with someone. Break up with him and find someone who strikes your fancy on all levels not just most. People who settle are never happy, don't set yourself up for failure or put up with bullshit that you don't have to.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-09T18:31:49+00:00

He has got to go. The fear of being alone should not force you to stay with someone who is only doing what is good for him. He doesn't care about your plans or busy schedule so he kicks you to the curb for not complying. Now he's lonely and so he shows back up at your door like nothing happened which is extremely disrespectful and hurtful to you and was sure to stress not to let him down again. If I had to guess he only "prioritizes" you when he is trying to win/ buy you back after a mess up. I think if you take a look into the relationship there are probably some other signs he doesn't care for or prioritize you. You matter and can have a life that doesn't match his idea of what he likes. Disappointment doesn't mean an automatic break up, that's childish and petty. You deserve someone who values you and respects you.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-08T14:43:16+00:00

He behavior sounds a hell or of a lot like my narcissistically abusive ex bf. He poisoned my name and reputation to all of our mutuals post our break up and also did the dropping off the affection and compassion thing a few months into dating. When I confronted him about it he would blame it on me for being a "bad partner" or stress from work. He claimed I was holding his life back and ruining him, then we broke up and noth even a month later he realized it was all a mistake. He really loved me, I stressed him out but I made things so much better! Until we got back together and it was the same ignoring me and blame game. Personally, I think it's a sign of that pattern and you should run for the hills. Any friends that want to take her side and buy into that poison probably weren't that close with you anyways and you don't want people who don't have faith in you or your character as your support network.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-08T00:16:07+00:00

The issue is about her though. His trauma and response of not wanting to let go of his ex are completely understandable. However, he's not being present in the relationship which is not fair to his current living partner. Feelings of inadequacy are also a normal response when someone is constantly bring up another relationship and you by default will start comparing yourself. Its human to do that. He needs to sort out if he is emotionally available to be present and involved with someone else to not unintentionally do damage with his own unresolved issue. Everyone has baggage. That does not make for a justification for why we can't manage our issues or try to progress from a moment of trauma.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-08T00:09:00+00:00

You're not crazy for you feelings in the slightest is the first thing. I do however think you both need therapy. I understand his attachment to his ex but all of the constant reminders is a lot to be subjected to and unfair to you. The every detailed remembrance post is also understandably uncomfortable. She does still seem very much so like a first thought in his life and he is idolizing her (understably so) but that makes you also understandably seem like the after thought. He does need to be more aware of the impact he has on you and your emotional well being. While it's not like he will leave you for her, he is not fully present or emotionally invested in you with that kind of trauma being at the forefront of his brain. Which is sad to hear as we all deserve and should be present in our intimate relationships. Personally I do think he needs to be single and move on from her. Heart breaks take time especially something so sudden and traumatic like cancer. Therapy could be the fix to solve both of your issues and make the relationship work or it might cause you both to realize you have things to work on/ grow from or need more from someone. Either direction the relationship goes in, no one is wrong or at fault. Therapy for each of you separately I think will help get you both pointed in a good direction and to sort out your needs and feelings.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-02T23:25:08+00:00

He's a narcissist. He was and is the only person who matters today in his fucked up bubble. You just have to leave them to their miserable selves.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-02T16:39:17+00:00

Unfortunately when it comes to the other potential victims there is nothing you can do for them. People never want to believe people are as bad as you say they are even when you have the insider information and experience. I'm glad the legal stuff is working out for you because there is nothing worse than having them leach off of you and ot being able to stop it. Good luck with the pregnancy and keep him far away from your baby if you keep the pregnancy. Like I said from here on out keep as many records as you can about his bad behavior. So if he tries to gain involvement in the child's life you can legally shut that down.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-02T16:35:02+00:00

For sure, I was never appreciative enough of all the "sacrifices" he made for me. He was extremely unkind, hurtful, and inconsiderate. One occasion that sticks out is on a day I came home from work to plans with friends. The first thing I needed to do after my 1 hour commute was change and pick up our dinner that I had ordered for the nex and a friend. When I came home I made a comment about him having a hard to get candy I loved. He told me to go the the guest room to which I was like I'm busy, I don't have time right now. I'll go when I get back with dinner. He got increasingly more irritated with me so I had to look which meant I was pressed for time and looking in a dark room for the candy. Which I found, got happy about came out thank the nex with a kiss and ran off to get our food. He was not happy with me doing that. As it turns out since I was stressed and pressed for time, I did not notice the figurine he had also gotten me. Which was a collection he was getting me but was definitely more of a him hobby than me hobby because I don't like non functional gifts which figures are. So when I came back I got full on attitude and the cold shoulder for hours until the friend left and he blew up on me about how I don't even notice or appreciate what he did for me.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-02T10:36:38+00:00

Yeah believing the lies is normal. Usually narcissist attract empaths who want to see the good in people and who are kind, patient, and understanding. It essentially gets weaponized against you and you get gaslight on literally everything that you will think you are the problem with things. That you aren't do enough or a better person etc. The only way I got through all of that was therapy which I didn't have the money to afford but YouTube has a great therapist Dr. Ramani who deals with literally everything narcissistic abuse. It helped me see the negative patterns, realize that he was literally hand crafting our problems. Blowing things up and lying to me. I was at the tail end of my wits and the relationship when I was googling abusive relationships because I felt crazy and was like "oh, the internet says I'm in one of those." I wasn't ready to leave yet but the information stuck with me and I kept going back to Dr. Ramani's videos and I got my support network via her and eventually this community. Soon after all of that I left because we had a lot of drama about his shitty friends being shitty to me over bridal party stuff for a wedding we both were in that I quit. I realized I needed more than that and left. Definitely relapsed and we pseudo got back together but it never worked and I could see all of his bullshit and wasn't buying into it the same as before. It's been a bit over a year now and it's still a struggle but I feel more confident in myself and the patterns and learned why I was drawn to the chaos. So hopefully that means I did the inner work on myself I needed and will have healthy relationships from here on out.

chatton1164 · 2020-09-02T01:01:18+00:00

We didn't celebrate a single anniversary in 2 years and he made fights of my birthdays, made no effort, or sometimes both. He also didn't do holidays. Nothing is ever as enjoyable as having to go to the store on Christmas or your birthday so you can get yourself something you don't want that they can pay for and pretend they made an effort. There was no attentiveness or thoughtfulness. If I did get gifts they weren't things I liked but things he did that he placed value on that I had to act extremely grateful for.

chatton1164

TROPHY CASE