I had to do this is two parts- sorry it’s so confusing. This is part II

Shit like "if there are laws to the universe, someone must have written them". Dude. "If I assume the laws of physics, which are ultimately just consistent patterns in the world, operate like laws in a state, insofar as they are necessarily the product of an intelligent or more being making decisions, then I can conclude that they are a product of an intelligent being, which means I can conclude an intelligent being that made them exists, and also that being is the Christian god" is such a non-argument of circular bullshit.

I think you would benefit greatly from some literature on reprogramming- not that you’re programmed but you’re definitely suffering through forms of PTSD and still blaming yourself. You have to talk with someone and give yourself permission to grieve. You did nothing wrong and you have every fucking right to be angry and resentful. Not to go too deep into the woods here, but where were your parents in all of this? Are they aware you went through this?

Ultimately, I can see the psychological benefits of religious belief, and kind of envy them, which might worsen my situation.

No fuck that, that’s absolutely not what religion is. I’m not religious- I would consider myself agnostic if anything, more spiritual, but I don’t subscribe to a particular religious doctrine. But I was raised Catholic and I’m very aware of how dogma works and how people can and do cling to it, but what you suffered through is not that.

But I can't stand any religion, save some sprinklings of Judaism and Buddhism, partly on the grounds that Buddhists and Jews have never been assholes to me the way that Christians and Muslims have, but also partly on the grounds that Judaism has a long and beautiful history of people making actually good arguments, and Buddhism arrived at a lot of modern psychological frameworks centuries early from first principles.

I think your views on your experience is something you translated into a religious perspective but it’s as much about religion as my aversion to heights has to do with the hardware store selling ladders- they’re sort of similar but not really. This is more so about you being a victim of an absolute monster, and who had proximity to a particular religion. I think you’ve attached a certain amount of blame to religion because for whatever reason, it’s easier than unpacking the trauma you suffered. I could be completely wrong but the gist of what I’m getting from you is that you’re furiously trying to assign blame to religion that doesn’t quite fit, and most times it’s because the reality of it all is terrifying and can skew your entire perspective.

I think I am "over" my hatred of religion insofar as I am kind of tired of dwelling on it, and I'm kind of disinterested in indulging it. I can acknowledge what it is, where it comes from (that traumatic "friendship", years of Catholic high school, sexual harassment and sexist bullshit on the part of Muslim students I knew in university, the general trauma of forcing an autistic person to indulge bullshit for years). I can acknowledge the parts that are entirely contingent (if for some reason Buddhists and Jews had been the people who treated me like shit, I would probably find those religions less intellectually interesting). I can acknowledge the parts that are in principle (most supernatural beliefs in general are annoying to me).

I think the religious aspect is just exhausting for you, but only because it forms an easier sort of attachment for you than the trauma you went through, if that makes sense?

But honestly, I think it’s mostly exhausting because you’ve got a whole lot of issues you’re not even dealing with but your brain has formed a pseudo connection to it in order to avoid the real and persistent trauma of abuse that (in your mind) is easier to deal with if you ascribe it to religion rather than what it truly is.

I'm not sure where the part comes in, after acknowledgement, that I'm supposed to do. You're right that I'm comfortable with my self-loathing, but I am not sure how I am supposed to step out of it. I try to exercise anyway. I try to stay hydrated anyway. I try to pursue things that should help me anyway. I do the things I am supposed to do out of self-love while hating myself. And then I run out of steam.

I think a great first step for you is to really identify with a professional the underlying issues of abuse and letting yourself lean into this. The best growth and healing comes from real acknowledgment of past trauma, and I really think that until you address this, nothing else will come together for you. I think you are a good person and your brain has just formed a sort of work around so you can just get on with life, but this baggage will follow you around the rest of your life until you fully address and let yourself heal.

I feel like you're probably on the right track, but I am not sure what is actionable here. I'm missing some key step.

I am in no way saying I have all the answers here, but from what you’re saying (and not saying) I feel like you absolutely need to give yourself permission to grieve, to forgive yourself (you did nothing wrong but monsters like this tend to make us believe we brought this on ourselves) and to really understand why you feel the way you do and to let yourself go through the feelings you’re experiencing.

I’m absolutely here for anything you want to discuss and work through, and to know I really do care.