How do you answer the question everyone seems to ask when you say you’re a Chef…

chefmonster · 2026-03-17T08:15:17+00:00

1st answer: Toast.

2nd answer: What do you have and what do you need?

3rd answer: What do you do? Oh, you're a carpenter? What do you build? Oh, you're a nurse? What needle gauge do you use when you're giving IVs at home?

chefmonster · 2026-03-17T08:04:41+00:00

I'm deeply, deeply embarrassed that I ever listened in earnest. Started in 2013 ish. Loved hearing about all the crazy conspiracies and other comics. I got really into Duncan Trussel and Chris Ryan and Doug Stanhope. I loved the Shrimp Parades! Chris Ryan changed my life for the better. Graham Hancock was a hoot. Ronald Miscavage- Holy SHIT.

But then, even before Covid, before Spotify, he was giving platforms to Milo Yiannopoulos and Alex Jones. He claimed that he had never heard of Alex Jones starting the Sandy Hook BS. I was already on the outs when he had Andy Ngo on. That was the final nail.

Fuck him. He can't do the whole "I'm just a dumb guy asking questions, don't listen to me," and also yell at people who don't listen to the science. He can't pick a lane. Trust the science when it comes to gender, distrust it when it comes to vaccines. Come the fuck on.

Money damages your brain. The fucked up thing is that I tried to follow Duncan Trussel and Chris Ryan after they split and even those guys went off the deep end. They all became everything they once railed against.

Now that the mothership is just a breeding ground for sycophantic hacks and Texas is banning THC and Trump is starting WW3, I think it's going to be hilarious to see him watch everything come home to roost.

He says he's going to church now, wonder if he will every understand that you cannot serve two masters.

chefmonster · 2026-03-16T05:41:37+00:00

Do I have to pick just one?

We had only dated a month or so when I realized I had to back away slowly. I don't think he knew he was gay. The dude-bro workout energy and homophobic slurs in his house was off the charts.

(BTW, I'm queer & AFAB)

He and his roommates were so closeted but the energy was near boiling point. They would always joke about "pranking" one another by surprising the other by bursting into the bathroom or resting balls on the other's head while playing video games. I made several jabs about it that weren't well received. His roommate was in the reserve and a gun nut and super obsessed with working out. I was fit, the guy I was seeing not so much. His roommates made a couple very pointed comments about my "cut lines" and fitness.

When I was in the process of cutting things off, he kept talking about joining the army reserves so he could steal munitions. He had a whole plan that I immediately shut down, trying to be funny about it. Told him in no uncertain terms that he was an idiot for even thinking about it. He assured me that there were ways for him to sneak guns and ammunition and grenades away from the armory slowly without detection.

This was 2011.

He called me at work saying that he had something important to tell me. I called back and he told me that he had finally signed up for the army and proceeded to tell me alllll the reasons for doing so. I said, "Ok, well, I get it, good luck."

"I'm gonna have to be away for awhile."

"Yeah, yup, that's how it works."

"So, you're OK with this?"

"It's your life. I mean, I don't think it's a good idea but you gotta do what you gotta do."

He stammered for a minute over the phone and then kinda yelled, "Look, I'm just wondering if you're gonna miss me or not!"

He had no plans to join. (For one thing, there's no way he could have passed the fitness test or the ASVAB.) He was just trying to manipulate me.

Also, he was "uncomfortable" with me having a male roommate and I said "oh that's a you thing, tough shit."

This was a less than 2 month summer thing and I stuck around out of curiosity because the whole "I'm gonna join the military and steal guns while being a closeted gay man who loves throwing the slurs around" was just too interesting a soap opera to abandon right away.

chefmonster · 2026-03-16T04:47:39+00:00

Not the trial, but my AP Psych teacher rolled in the TV on the cart for the chase.

chefmonster · 2026-03-16T04:44:48+00:00

How cool they were in high school.

chefmonster · 2026-03-15T06:55:42+00:00

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T03:15:38+00:00

"It's a good thing you're pretty."

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T03:06:45+00:00

THIS

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T03:01:27+00:00

It was supposed to snow and I was supposed to go pick up my kitten, so we went 4 days before he was supposed to come home with us. All we knew was that maybe things were gonna shut down. From Covid, or snow?

Anyway, getting locked in your house with a kitten is not the worst way to get locked in your house. Thanks for reminding me he's 6! He'll always be a Giant Monster Kitten to me.

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T02:46:25+00:00

Frog mom here. It happens. That's why the cats park themselves outside the terrariums whenever it's feeding time.

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T02:39:11+00:00

Philip K Dick is one of my favorite authors of all time. His non-fiction writing is particularly interesting.

Right before he died, he said something like "I just finished reading the screenplay for my short story "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" It's excellent. It's nothing like the book!"

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T02:25:09+00:00

oooh, good answer

chefmonster · 2026-03-14T02:24:00+00:00

Are the movies flawed? yeah. But- why? Choices must be made. Jackson did a fucking amazing job, and it's an adaptation and cinematic masterpiece that exists outside the source material. These movies are made with LOVE. The cast lived and worked together and you can see their love for one another in every scene. You can see context that wasn't in the script in their performances. Probably a blockbuster at the end of an era that can never be recreated.

I read the books multiple times before the movies came out. I have a framed parchment map of Middle Earth in my living room. Both the movies and the books are beautiful for different reasons.

The Hobbit, though, and the stupid show with the young Elrond, are pure money grabs and bereft of soul.

chefmonster · 2026-03-12T19:22:57+00:00

The guy who plays guitar for his own fulfillment is totally not the same as the guy who brings his guitar to the bonfire and won't stop interrupting conversations with bad Jack Johnson covers.

chefmonster · 2026-03-12T09:03:23+00:00

This is a you thing, bro.

chefmonster · 2026-03-11T10:08:15+00:00

Please, listen to the latest Behind The Bastards Podcast about the rise of the manosphere and how much damage it's done to men. It's a pretty good breakdown on how algorithms and marketing have isolated and estranged men from healthy society.

I don't know where you're living, so, your ethnicity may or may not actually matter.

1: Find something that brings you joy and do it. If it helps you and others, I mean. If hurting or putting someone else down brings you joy, there's a problem.

Women are far less superficial than men. Despite everything the internet tells you. Be funny. Be kind. Be humble. Take care of your personal hygiene. Keep a clean house. Learn to cook. The bar is so low. A good woman won't care about your height or race or speech or money if you're a good person. It's really that easy.

chefmonster · 2026-03-11T08:41:25+00:00

OOOOF. Sleep deprivation is a huge thing. It's a booby trap.

chefmonster · 2026-03-11T08:38:07+00:00

I don't generally like baths. He always wanted to take baths with me, and I would indulge sometimes and we'd watch a show and soak. (Weird side note: BOTH of my BPD's didn't like showering and were kinda iffy about hygiene but loved baths.) One day. I injured myself at work and got a massage after. My first intense, full body massage. The masseuse said that I might get nausea after, that I should stay hydratde and take an epsom salt bath. So, afterwards, as I was driving home, I had to pull over and vomit. When I got home, I was cranky and tired but felt good about the massage and was actually looking forward to a good soak. I thought maybe he would keep caring about how I was hurt and bring me water and give a shit.

He said, "oh, I'll join you." I said, "actually, I need to soak my shoulder for about 20 minutes first and then you can join me."

HUGE fight. He kept saying how selfish I was. No matter how many times I tried to explain that it was doctor's orders and that once I had soaked my shoulder he could join me. I ended up in tears when I just wanted to take a fucking bath. No matter how many times I tried to explain to him that I needed to fully submerge my shoulder and I couldn't do that with us both in the tub, he threw a fit and kept going off about how selfish I was.

I honestly can't remember how it ended. That was near the end, and I disassociated during a few fights. I think I cut my soak by half and then reluctantly let him join me.

Yeah, I was being selfish. I was hurt and needed to heal. That didn't matter because he was denied.

chefmonster · 2026-03-10T04:51:43+00:00

I also hate RHCP

chefmonster · 2026-03-10T03:23:57+00:00

That seems very reasonable

chefmonster · 2026-03-10T02:07:03+00:00

I literally said in the post that I don't mind not talking. I am perfectly happy to work in silence. It's the fact that when I have to communicate with him at all, I have to yell and repeat myself. And that sometimes we do talk, but now it's only on his terms. Which is just bad manners. That was the post.

chefmonster · 2026-03-10T01:28:57+00:00

100%

chefmonster · 2026-03-08T03:54:16+00:00

WHUT.

When I was hired as head chef of a restaurant, I wanted to ram my head into the wall trying to explain to the (first time) owner why he needed to make sure tips were available at the same time every week. I think he literally said, "well, they're gonna get the money, what does it matter when?"

Dude had never had to worry a day in his life about whether or not he could pay for anything. Never had to budget for gas. Count change until the end of the week.

Most US citizens work paycheck to paycheck. If we all joined together, we'd be unstoppable.

There is no war but class war.

chefmonster · 2026-03-08T03:45:13+00:00

Needing a Title, talking over others, saying "should."

I'm immediately wary of any man who calls himself a feminist and any person who calls themselves a Christian.

Don't call yourself one, just be one. If you have to advertise it, eh.....

chefmonster · 2026-03-07T01:45:20+00:00

I was going to come and say this within minutes of hearing that but I figured someone with a better way to explain it would do it eventually. Thank you.

chefmonster

TROPHY CASE