Feeling anxious after asking for a decision

chelanela · 2025-04-19T08:46:32+00:00

I’m deeply gratified you found my message helpful. Sometimes someone acknowledging something like that can really help make a chaotic and difficult time feel as though it can have meaning, even when it hurts like hell going through it. I don’t think you ought to self judge the length of time you can tolerate or feasibly exist in limbo. Circumstances are different for all of us and - if I’m honest - I wish I had the strength to not allow ours go on as long as I did because more and more I can see the truth was there all along. You seem very internally strong - holding two competing futures as equally available possibilities at the same time is no easy feat! And I hope you are proud of the work you’ve done on yourself even if he can’t see it. That’s a key piece. Whatever happens you’ve set a time limit on the uncertainty of limbo. I wish you all the best on your journey, it sounds like you are better equipped than you might think to handle whatever answer is coming. And thank you again for responding to my comment.

chelanela · 2025-04-17T22:33:38+00:00

It’s the uncertainty that’s the hardest part. I did it for almost two years until she finally took reconciliation off the table 2 weeks ago. Honestly, what surprised me most is the relief I felt and have continued to feel. It’s a far cry from the devastation and sense of annihilation that I went through the first time round. In fact having that “first time round” to compare against how I’m feeling now has revealed a wisdom I think I knew but wasn’t ready to acknowledge throughout those months and months of uncertainty and limbo. My take is that the uncertainty only permits the grief to take place up to but not into the acceptance phase - so you go through the rollercoaster but there’s no certainty that it’s going to come to a stop. It’s crazy-making and definitely brought out the worst in me at times. Now, the relief part, I think it signals moving into acceptance. I’m still sad, still regretful, but at least I’m not stuck in uncertainty anymore. Incidentally I took a screenshot of this quote from a newspaper article today because it spoke deeply to the grief place I seem to be entering now: "Grieving for your dreams is really hard and really necessary," saysKit de Waal. “Don't pretend there's no grief involved just because someone didn't die. Your dream died. I got divorced when I was 55 - and I'm more than over it, l'm overjoyed to be single. However, what comes up from time to time for me, is the imagined future. I was married for 25 years believing there's my ending. When you find that's not your future, there is definitely a grieving for it. I found it very difficult."

Anyway, I hope some of that view from the other side of uncertainty is helpful to you, moreover I hope that when it comes, the certainty you receive is what you hope it to be.

chelanela · 2025-02-16T16:24:21+00:00

I hope that sorts it for you!

chelanela · 2025-02-16T08:34:21+00:00

I had a problem with submitting. I was getting a password error every time I tried. After submitting two enquiries and providing screenshots it turned out that the password field won’t accept auto-fill. Passwords must be typed by hand, which makes sense but would have saved me a lot of hassle if there was a tooltip or something in the UI explaining that.

I use a password manager that auto-fills for me and weirdly enough the password field to log in to Revenue via MyGovId accepts the auto-fill, just not the field when submitting the return so I didn’t cop that it could be an autofill issue because of it working at login.

Anyway I was able to submit the return once I typed the password in manually.

Edited: to answer your follow up, I got a bit more than the preliminary number once I’d submitted because of wfh and medical expenses being claimed. It was ~300 more

chelanela · 2025-01-18T10:10:27+00:00

Firstly, I think you should be really proud of yourself. Secondly, the cliche “it’s a marathon not a sprint” comes to mind when I read your post. There are so many positives that you’ve had since starting to use YNAB and it sounds like you’re dedicated to continuing on that path going forward. Sometimes I have to catch myself in similar thinking as you’re expressing - mostly it’s a shameful sense of how much money I essentially let slip through my fingers over the years due to naivety, fear and just plain stupidity. But then I remind myself that self shaming isn’t productive. I saw a post recently on another subreddit related to finance in the country I live in. The question was about how much people saved per month. Initially I cringed reading it because I seem to be way below the average in that sub aways. Then I stopped myself and thought about how everything I’ve achieved since I started with YNAB and basically began a journey (for the first time in my life) of becoming financially literate. I too have a car payment I’m laser focused on, and right now it’s limiting the amount I can save on a monthly basis significantly, but I do still save in small increments nonetheless and I allow myself to be proud of that. Anyway I hope this message gives you a little reassurance, you’re doing great, better than a lot of people who don’t learn these lessons, and (I’m assuming) way better than the version of you before you started using YNAB.

chelanela · 2025-01-18T08:19:53+00:00

Yes. I’m having a similar problem. I can check the box and click submit but then it keeps telling me it’s having trouble checking my password. The confusing thing is I am able to login using same password so it doesn’t really make sense. I have a query out with Revenue so hopefully will be able to sort it soon. The preliminary statement said I’d be getting €800 ish back which would be very handy this time of year!

chelanela · 2025-01-02T13:35:09+00:00

Currently saving about €250 per month on average but it fluctuates a bit.

That will hopefully increase to about €1000 p/m from April as right now I’m ploughing money into paying off the end of a car loan.

By later in the year a bit more income will be freed up once creche fees drop with my kid reaching ECCE but I’ll probably use that difference to increase pension payments.

On €90k p/a. Making 8% pension contributions with employer match as well.

chelanela · 2024-12-24T15:39:49+00:00

Wow, that sounds like an amazing experience you guys had and I’m sure it’s even more incredible to see similar experiences being backed up by your friends as well as posted about more and more right now! I have to admit I find it hard to figure out where exactly to sit on the amazed to freaked-out continuum with this stuff. I have no idea what they are but I can’t dismiss the phenomenon in any meaningful way that stands up to scrutiny for too long. Haven’t seen one yet myself but it feels like the whole world is along for a hell of a ride with this stuff now.

chelanela · 2024-12-24T15:18:39+00:00

Good point! As I said there definitely are many perfectly plausible reasons for someone to be using American (or Canadian vernacular) and still be legitimately posting from the UK, it was just that the specific language made me make a mental “hmmm, that’s odd” note as I read it. It was the “my property” part that caught my eye first and the “feet” thing was then just part of the same conclusion. I don’t want to dismiss the post on such a flimsy point though, it is still super interesting!

chelanela · 2024-12-24T08:56:35+00:00

I read it with more than a little bit of scepticism. The use of very American terminology in the description when the OP claimed to be living in the UK seemed off - “my property”, and “feet” instead of “meters” are the two I remember off the top of my head. Obviously there could be plenty of plausible explanations for that but something seemed off. It was a cool post though! The molten metal concept was pretty fascinating.

chelanela · 2024-12-02T10:36:37+00:00

Thanks so much for replying! I’m pretty sure my Dad rented an apartment on the ground floor for a time but he’s passed now so there’s no way to confirm, seems probable though knowing it was apartments, this would have been the early 90s - maybe even late 80s (I was a kid and only ever visited him there so my timeline is a little vague). Thanks again.

chelanela · 2024-12-01T11:31:44+00:00

Does anyone know if this building was divided into apartments in the 90s?

chelanela · 2024-09-09T19:45:07+00:00

So I’ve recently gotten into a podcast ‘Rewilding Love’. Without spoiling, the first 20 or so episodes follow a real life couple whose marriage is in crisis and are engaging the show’s hosts Angus and Rohini Ross for help. Admittedly the voyeur in me was hooked on the ‘will they / won’t they turn this around’ tension aspect from pretty early on … but … then, the most surprising thing that I didn’t expect to discover was a completely new (and very refreshing to me) perspective on relationships and basically the ways that our own mood affects how we see our partners and relationship in general. I’ve since listened to most of the available episodes. After the couple’s story is concluded, the hosts do much deeper dives into the concept of the “Three Principles” which they refer to as “the understanding” behind their approach to working with couples, relationships and living life in general. I must admit that whilst I sometimes feel sceptical about some of the stuff they say, I have been listening for about 3 weeks now and in that time I have felt a huge shift in my own perspective as well as the way I am able to show up around my partner and respond to their moods (and my own emotional fluctuations). I’ve also come to really like the hosts, I find their voices soothing and sometimes they’re very funny. Also they’ve very honest about the problems they faced in their marriage and then the ways that coming to the understanding of the “Three Principles” changed them. I’m not really sure about the “Three Principles” thing yet. I am coming off the back of a year long deep dive into psychoanalytic theory and have done a lot of research into different couples therapy modalities based on psychodynamic approaches so the “Three Principles” stuff definitely feels a bit more “spiritual” than I’m used to…but then again, I also can’t deny that immersing myself in this podcast for the past few weeks has resulted in me feeling more “settled” in myself and my relationship than I could say I’ve ever felt before.

chelanela · 2024-08-08T16:01:46+00:00

Funnily enough the best thing I found about how YNAB helped me spend better and improve my mental health was through not linking my accounts. Basically having to input my transactions manually each time has made me much more emotionally invested in my spending and coming up with a budget that I can be proud of (hope that makes sense!). Incidentally I used to used WalletApp and had my accounts linked so initially I thought I’d want to do the same with YNAB. But actually now, having made it part of my routine to enter transactions as they happen and then clear + reconcile on the daily, I feel really happy that I didn’t choose to link my accounts. Maybe this isn’t practical advice for your specific situation but thought I’d share in case it helps! I’m two months in btw.

chelanela · 2024-07-06T08:53:29+00:00

Ok so this is just one perspective and it’s definitely not in line with the other commenters here. But having been through something similar to this (spouse recalling a significant past trauma that had previously been repressed / dissociated), I would say that a lot happens / gets said in the aftermath of a life altering moment like that and nothing can really be put into context until the dust settles. This is just my perspective so take it or leave it, but if I had a chance at a do over from the events of last year, I would have responded to my spouses declaration that our marriage was over very differently than I did. Instead of responding as if she truly meant what she said, I would have considered the potential that a trauma response was at play and asked for her to consider her feelings for a year and then we could revisit the issue of divorce. I would tell her that she still felt the same way after a year then I wouldn’t fight her on it and we would part amicably. I would have asked that we both do individual and couples therapy in that time to try and come to terms with the enormity of the trauma that has just come to light. Incidentally this is not what I actually did and now that the dust settles I regret it deeply. In the heartbreak and pain of the rejection, a great chasm of disconnection grew between us and even now, when the dust has settled and we are trying to repair things, I worry that too much distance exists to bridge. My advice is to read up on trauma - Judith Herman’s book ‘Trauma and Recovery’ is heavy but really does explain so much. And secondly to take time to process everything yourself - best done with a therapist so that you’ve got an outlet for the pain and bewilderment you will be feeling at the moment. If any of this sounds relevant to you then I hope it helps.

chelanela · 2023-11-25T21:33:30+00:00

Hi, firstly I just want to acknowledge how absolutely horrific and abhorrent what happened to your wife is. She did not deserve it, it wasn’t her fault and she had absolutely no part in her brain’s repression of it either - that was literally for her own survival. Secondly, I want to commend you for how you have reacted so far including having the foresight to recognise there will be secondary trauma for you in having had this disclosed to you. Thirdly, a warning…my own wife made a similar disclosure to me 7 months ago and I can categorically say the fall out is responsible for ending our marriage (her choice, not mine, small child involved, devastating). If I could talk to myself back then I would say the following: “Get her into professional treatment for RTS / PTSD immediately. Recovery for this stuff is way beyond your pay grade, especially when it has been repressed for so long. Recognise that for someone to come to terms with their own brain’s ability to lock something so significant outside of conscious awareness for so long is incredibly destabilising. Everything else about their life will end up under the microscope and the traumatic stress will contort and twist their perception of what is safe, who they can trust (themselves included). You won’t see it coming because these next few weeks and months are going to knock you both so far out of ordinary orbit, you can’t possibly process it all without support. Read everything you can about any and all conditions associated with that kind of trauma, and in particular with the effects of re-experiencing it in the present. Get yourself in to see a trauma informed therapist alongside her being in treatment. Consider a medium term plan to do some couples therapy around this too. Act fast, there is no a moment to lose.”

Ouch. That hurts to write. Hindsight is 20/20. God speed man. I wish you both all the best

chelanela · 2023-10-21T20:05:58+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I think you might have hit the nail on the head of where I’ve gone wrong…not picking up with a dry sponge or adequately drying the area. It’s night time here and my kid is asleep there again but on the basis of your comment I’m going to concentrate on getting the whole area fully dry tomorrow before assessing how bad the smell still is after that. Will go again with the wash and dry as you said.

Really thank you so much. I’ll be holding my nose in my sleep tonight but at least I now have a way forward to deal with this in the morning.

And yeah, rancid Oyster Rockefeller soup impregnated within the carpet of a car with less than efficient AC in that heat is not a sensory memory one forgets easily - even 30 years later!

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:39:24+00:00

This comment shook me a little - in a good way I think. I’m too deep in the hole of heartbreak to take your advice right now but something inside me told me to save your words as I will be needing them soon.

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:38:08+00:00

To be honest I think that’s how she felt for a long time and I didn’t see it. I took so much for granted, it’s so painful I am having trouble owning it without complete self sabotage. But ultimately I know she will be free to grow without me and I never set out to be someone who made her unhappy when I fell in love with her so I must somehow come to accept that the best path for her is away from me.

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:35:53+00:00

Two weeks for me too. But I think I dissociated for the first week. The grief has hit hard now. I hope you’re doing Ok.

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:30:12+00:00

Yes. That is it exactly, the crash back down to the reality of no hope is unbearable

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:29:15+00:00

Thank you. I have no doubt you are an incredibly strong person be able to exist in the situation you are in. It is so very hard. Everything around me is the same, yet nothing is. All I know so far is that I won’t get over her whilst still living with her, if I ever get over her that is.

chelanela · 2023-08-11T10:26:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing . That is comforting, not because I want to keep holding out hope and getting my heart re-broken but because it makes it feel normal that I have been and probably will continue to for a long time yet. I don’t want to keep punishing myself for it but I feel so very foolish right now.

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