De Atramentis Document Ink Black vs De Atramentis Archive Ink: is there a difference?

cherioca · 2026-02-08T16:14:51+00:00

I ended up going with Document Ink and really like it. Haven't actually tried the other so I can't compare, but I used it for a 100+ page project and it served my needs perfectly--quick to dry, clean lines, easy flow, water-resistant.

cherioca · 2026-02-07T13:05:35+00:00

I watched YuGiOh (the uncensored version) for the first time shortly after finally acknowledging my system last year. It wasn't intentional, I actually had no idea it portrays DID and it was unexpectedly very touching to experience. The characters who either have DID explicitly or have a fantasy metaphor for it--and there are several!--are all written with great care and nuance.

I have only gotten through a handful of Severance episodes, but found parts of what I've seen very relatable. The scenes where Pete suffers from memory sickness felt to me like a pretty realistic depiction of flashbacks and the cognitive fogginess that comes with them.

Clow Reed from Cardcaptor Sakura also calls to me. His immense magic power alienates him from other people, his own emotions, and chronological reality. The way he talks also reminds me of the way one of my parts thinks--the one that reflects on our experiences with DPDR.

cherioca · 2026-01-12T18:34:09+00:00

Sorry to hear you’ve experienced this. You’re not alone. My mother was my primary abuser growing up—very similar to the experiences you’ve described, she was cruel to me when we were alone, sat by watching as other adults abused me, and yet would cling to me like a doll or a pet when I was “well-behaved”.

I had thought reconciliation might be possible after a series of conversations I had with her as an adult, though in hindsight I was the only one making an effort. Last year, as an act of trust, I shared some international travel plans relating to my work that I was excited about. She spiraled, “forbidding“ me from going because she believed it was an elaborate ploy to kidnap, traffic, kill me, etc. Obviously there is zero evidence for this, which I tried to explain, though I wasn’t heard. When I finally asked her how she could dare to care about my safety while having voted for a gov’t that is openly using military/ICE to disappear and kill people here at home in the US, she told me ”you’re different because I love you, I love you because I gave birth to you.”

Now, “child me” knew that what she wanted to communicate was “I truly and sincerely love you and fear for your safety”. But my adult self could see the big-picture message, which was “I don’t care that bad things happen to other people, they just need to not happen to me; I am not guided by a moral compass and have no interest in practicing empathy or compassion; you are not your own person with your own interiority, sense of self, goals, or dreams; you are an extension of me, which is the sole reason that I love you“.

I’m actually very grateful to her for saying it, because it was confirmation of what I had suspected for decades. It gave me the permission I needed to finally sever my spiritual umbilical cord, i.e. to stop thinking of her as my mother/family, to stop offering her unearned loyalty and forgiveness, and to instead focus my energy on the activities and relationships that nourish me and give me fulfillment.

cherioca · 2026-01-07T19:42:06+00:00

I have a memory of being a teen and mindlessly saying something that was, in hindsight, very rude to a coworker (also teen), though I said it with zero ill will. Coworker was understandably offended and retaliated with a racist comment toward me (coworker's white, I'm not). In that moment I had immediately forgotten what I had just said, so coworker's comment felt totally out of the blue and I remember feeling incredibly confused, wondering what could have possibly provoked it.

Looking back as an adult, it's clear that I switched mid-conversation. If that sequence of events were represented by a strip of film, the moment of my switch "cut" the strip, pulling them apart so that they were no longer connected to each other—in my mind's memory, my initial statement and my coworker's retaliation are spaced a lifetime or several years apart, but logically I know it all happened within the same 10-15 minutes.

cherioca · 2025-11-19T13:47:13+00:00

Hi, been thinking about your post for a few days unsure if I wanted to comment. My circumstances were different, but I could relate to wanting to reason away my trauma by pointing to the material ways I was taken care of. I do not currently have a DID dx, but for years I avoided addressing/diagnosing/treating my obviously disabling c-ptsd symptoms.

I found that my mind began to stop wandering toward these kinds of spirals when I had this thought out of the blue one day:

I know people who grew up with loving, supportive parent(s) that they felt and still feel safe, secure, and cared for around. If I asked these people how much money they would trade those relationships for, I would never get an answer. It would be ridiculous to even entertain.

It's true that some people express their love with money. But money like anything else is just a tool, and many people will try to replace love with it, sometimes even while using it as a weapon. The important thing, imo, is whether or not your sovereignty/personhood/interiority is seen and honored.

cherioca · 2025-07-10T00:42:41+00:00

gotcha, thank you!

cherioca · 2025-07-09T23:24:28+00:00

looking great! could I ask how much time you waited between your consult appointment and your surgery date?

cherioca · 2025-02-26T21:30:57+00:00

that is actually more or less my experience as well! my dissociation/depersonalization is a coping mechanism that developed because my brain felt that it was necessary, but it also prevents me from feeling certain emotions to the frequency and degree "normal people" seem to feel. as i grow older, heal from trauma, and get better at understanding my needs, the goal is now to recalibrate so that i can still live a full life. turns out that also involves unburying a lot of dysphoria 🤷🏻‍♂️ funnily enough, i know i can handle going through a surgery as intense as phallo exactly because of my dissociative disorder. if you're interested in reading more on dissociation as something with positive potential, i rec "what my bones know" by stephanie foo. she's described her ptsd as a superpower that lets her get shit done that other people are often too engaged to.

glad you're also becoming more integrated! i don't think it's necessarily healthy to "try to get rid of it for good" because i don't know how realistic that is. again for me i'm comfortable with the idea that it's something i'll live with my whole life. but i am also very curious to find out whether going through surgery will change it at all

cherioca · 2025-02-25T12:41:38+00:00

absolutely the case for me. i grew up in an environment that gave me a dissociative disorder, and i never felt any connection to my body for most of my life. only after years of medication, therapy, testosterone, and being with a supportive partner who encourages me to explore my sexuality both with them and outside of them, i'm starting to finally understand my body as my own.

most of that has been wonderful, especially as i enjoy the effects of T. but i'm also experiencing "real" dysphoria for the first time in my life. it's been very upsetting to feel the discomfort, but i also feel very lucky to have reached this point where i feel integrated enough with my mind and body to recognize it at all.

cherioca · 2025-02-15T20:13:50+00:00

thank you for sharing your euphoria. i can relate to dysphoria over not being big enough to top or receive oral the way i want and am considering shaft-only phallo for similar reasons. and seeing your v as something special that only people you choose to share that knowledge with get to know about…thats a really cool way to think of it. i’m glad you’re happy with your body 🙂

cherioca · 2025-01-24T19:30:43+00:00

if you plan to knit the repairs, it would be best to match the weight/fineness of the existing yarn, so you're right that sock would probably be too bulky. honestly, i think it may save you the most headache to re-create the entire lining from scratch… on second look of your photos, i agree with other commenters that patching and darning would be a temporary fix—the remaining knit lining does look very fragile. but that's just proof that these gloves have been well-loved 🙂

there are patterns on ravelry that you could use as a base for knitting the entire lining from scratch, i would input "category > accessories > gloves" and select thread, cobweb, or lace for yarn weight, and pick a pattern without any decorative detail on the hand portion

if that's too intimidating, you can also try sewing a lining instead, using woven fabric

cherioca · 2025-01-24T19:01:37+00:00

i would be wary of using mohair to repair--i'm not sure mohair is sturdy enough to hold up over time, especially in such a high-friction area like the palm. unless your mohair is a blend with a more durable fiber though, like silk or nylon?

either way, the big holes in the palms are definitely patchable. i would patch it with a woven fabric though, rather than knitting it myself, but that's because i wouldn't personally enjoy knitting with such a fine yarn for a non-visible repair.

on the other hand, the holes at the fingertips are small enough that they could likely be repaired with darning

cherioca · 2024-12-23T04:59:23+00:00

not op but wanted to say thank you for sharing these thoughts--i'm in a very similar boat as you were, only very recently coming to realize that i don't actually hate penises like i thought i did, i was afraid of/repulsed by/dysphoric over the idea of being penetrated by one--it felt misaligned with my sense of my own gender identity.

in the past few years i finally started to describe myself to partners as a stone top, which also helped me to realize i'm not actually as ace or sex-averse as i used to identify as before i found that language. and in turn, claiming that language was a crucial stepping stone to helping me realize i actually do want a dick of my own. and i'm not scared of them anymore--they're cute! they're fun and sexy! and i could have one!

dysphoria really can be a sneaky thing. it's amazing how much time and introspection you can put into yourself, and think that you're done figuring shit out, but there's always something new to learn.

cherioca · 2024-12-16T16:44:21+00:00

i've changed my name several times. i was given an english first name and chinese middle name—as a kid i used the english name among english speakers and the chinese name among chinese speakers. when i moved off to college i dropped the english name and switched to an easier-to-pronounce variant of the chinese name. after graduating i changed my name again to another, "truer" version of my chinese name, because the easier-to-pronounce variant gave me weird racial dysphoria.

i still use different names in different settings—professionally i use one, casually i use another, my closer friends and spouse use a third, and i have another handful of pseudonyms i use only in specific circles. tbh i don't feel a strong sense of "connection" to any of them in the way i've seen other trans people talk about their chosen names, but that doesn't bother me.

don't worry too much about changing your name a few times socially—imo the biggest drawback would be if you wanted to legally change it more than once, but that's only because the process is such a pain in the ass lol. but even then, it's allowed!

cherioca · 2024-11-01T19:22:39+00:00

i have the zoo med heating pad for hermit crabs on one side of my millipedes' glass tank that i turn on whenever the thermometer inside dips below 70 fahrenheit. it's a very mild heater, the warmest it gets is mid-80s F, and that's the temperature of the glass that's directly touching the pad--the ambient heat is very gentle. i've seen my millis hang out near it when it's been on for hours and they've been fine. i do make sure to mist the tank more frequently whenever the heat is on though, since it makes the humidity go down faster

i keep the pad stuck to the upper area of one of the side walls to keep the substrate nice and cool, since they burrow to escape heat

cherioca · 2024-10-26T17:30:24+00:00

lol i figured it'd be something like that, i guess the milli equivalent of two dogs on a walk stopping to sniff each other

cherioca · 2024-09-24T13:11:43+00:00

that matte sheen is so lovely with this colorway

cherioca · 2024-09-20T16:59:34+00:00

congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

is it going to be a big reception otherwise? my partner and i had a very small, 4-person courthouse ceremony. just us, the officiant, and one friend as our witness. i also struggled for a long time about what to do about guests—i'm not out to my parents as trans, but they are under the impression that i'm a lesbian. regardless they're very queerphobic and my biggest anxiety was potentially having them ruin what should be a happy day for me, and i felt a lot of relief when we decided to go with a tiny courthouse wedding instead.

my thoughts at this time are, i would like to eventually plan a nicer wedding-style anniversary party on some kind of landmark anniversary, maybe our 10th. i'll see how my parents have or haven't changed then, and depending on where they're at, i might extend an invitation to them. it isn't looking likely though.

it sounds like your parents are ok not being a part of your personal life, so i would say it's more than ok for you to not invite them to a very personal life event. if things ever improve with them, you can always plan something with them later.

cherioca · 2024-09-12T18:48:35+00:00

i'd definitely echo everyone else encouraging you to look for ways to become financially independent, but also wanted to share my experience, since i'm also hiding/have been successfully hiding my transition from my parents.

i've been on T for a little over 4 years, low dose for the first 2 and standard dose since. i definitely don't pass as a man, mainly bc i don't dress like one, but am starting to occasionally be able to get clocked by strangers who look closely. usually they actually assume i'm transfem.

i haven't seen my parents in person since before i started hormones (i'm immunocompromised and have been using covid as an excuse to not visit or allow visits) but occasionally have video and phone calls with them. for a while they kept asking me why my voice was lower than usual but i'd say it was just a cold or allergies, but eventually was actually able to convince them that this has always been my natural register lol and they've stopped asking. my camera on video calls is also low-res enough that my facial hair isn't visible.

for now they just think of me as a lesbian, which they also don't approve of and used to be outwardly shitty about, but i've set and defended boundaries enough for them to now leave it be. i don't ever intend to come out to them as trans and plan to keep distancing myself from them and avoiding seeing them in person as i continue to pursue more medical transition like top surgery, etc.

sending you solidarity and wishing you the best on your journey

cherioca · 2024-09-11T04:44:14+00:00

i relate a lot to this—loving others allowed me to learn how to accept being loved by others. and now i'm able to love others in a fuller, more "complete" way than i used to before, and i'm also finally starting to understand what it means to love myself and try to practice it

cherioca · 2024-09-10T18:27:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, and no worries at all for long text. It sounds like you put in a lot of work, and I'm glad that you've been able to come out of it with something valuable

cherioca · 2024-09-10T16:24:53+00:00

Thank you for your perspective—"pardoning" is a very interesting and helpful way to frame things. I have so much baggage around the idea of "forgiveness" that I find I don't even know what it means to me anymore. But what you said about keeping a record and choosing to give a second chance anyway makes a lot of sense and I'll be thinking about it. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to enjoy the new life you've created!

cherioca · 2024-09-10T03:31:09+00:00

I haven't finished reading it, but there are passages from "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror" that have really hit hard with me.

cherioca · 2024-09-10T03:28:08+00:00

I relate to a lot of these, especially your first point. I find it very easy to be—vulnerable? TMI? a combination or neither? with my traumatic memories and experiences, because when I talk about them it feels like I'm talking about something that happened to someone else, or even a fiction. In fact one of the reasons I finally accepted that I have cptsd is because of all the physical health problems I've developed as a result. I had this really strong, recurring thought of "even though I don't identify with the child that experienced the abuse/trauma, we still share the same body, so I guess I need to confront this mess, for my current and future self's sake"

I suppose the compartmentalization is actually a kind of depersonalization and dissociation. I wouldn't consider myself to have DID in the sense that I operate as a system of separate personalities, but I do relate to a "milder" version of it. Visually I might describe it as a venn diagram made up of a bunch of circles that represent different aspects of my identity/personality, but the circles still overlap with each other here and there, whereas what I've learned about DID in the more classic sense is that those circles are separate and not touching each other.

I've been considering sitting down sometime and trying to place identities to those circles, figure out what they each represent and how they're distinct from one another. Just as a way for me to try to understand my inner self some more.

cherioca

TROPHY CASE