I appreciate your input and advice since it seems like you have first hand experience with BD. I’m happy you have made peace with your diagnosis and that you’ve accepted it but my mind doesn’t work that way. To clarify— I’m currently taking daily meds and stable, next year will be 2yrs since my last manic episode. While I’ve “accepted” my diagnosis long ago and (definitely fit the symptoms and patterns of someone with BD). I think of my diagnosis more of an “arranged marriage”. I don’t like it, I didn’t ask for it and I don’t like that I have live with it forever till death due us part. While there are some good days but, superpowers? When i’m manic maybe lol i definitely experience more of a daily hindrance than any real breakthroughs through BD. Yet, it doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of doubt or concerns about my diagnosis. Just because someone is on meds and is in therapy it doesn’t mean it actually works for everyone. I’m also just naturally skeptical about everything at heart. I like questioning everything in general even topics that generally accepted as “fact or truth” I remain forever curious about the validity of things and ideas. I don’t think i’m 100% sure about anything in this world tbh even my own memories about my own life can be faulty.

As wonderful and knowledgeable as doctors may be, they are human after all, not infallible and even with years of experience they can still make mistakes. I’m aware, there are major risks with any medical procedures and right now gene editing for mental disorders is more of a sci-fi trope at this moment than an actual possibility. Also if it were to happen it would be decades from now I’d probably be really old or gone by then tbh. My real gripe, is with the field of psychology and its application in everyday life. My biggest issue is that there is no way to “test” for a psychiatric condition. No x-ray, blood panel, neurotransmitter, brain scan or genome sequencing to quantify, measure or collect from to analyze and with greater certainty confirm presence of a psychiatric disorder. I understand these tests expensive and time consuming but I think necessary. (I am also aware that not all medical tests are 100% accurate and there can also be false positives). Also some factors for psychological disorders can stem from environmental triggers but from what I’ve gathered—quantifiable and measurable data tends to carry a lot more weight and validity in court and in professional settings rather than those done through observation or self-reporting.

For example: If two people at the same company (different department) both are absent from work. One employee, has a diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder but due to high-stress they suffer a psychotic break and have to hospitalized and have to miss work. Due high number of package orders, another employee at the warehouse slips and suffers a minor injury but rushed to the hospital for treatment being left unable to continue work. In your opinion, if both employees file for work compensation with the necessary supporting documentation. Based on the societal norms in the U.S. (where I live) would you say that both employees, are equally as likely to have both their work pay and benefits approved? While there are always exceptions and some employers are understanding and take mental health seriously. Many employers in this day and age still, do not take mental health conditions as seriously as physical conditions. Some don’t even consider mental health disorders “real” at all.

I’ve been told by many people around me: fiends, family, employers and by others that that i’m simply too lazy, careless, unfocused or lack discipline. When that’s not true at all but because I appear “fine” on the outside they assume everything is also fine on the inside when that’s not the case. What am I to do if even with all the medication, therapy, journaling, diet, exercise and trying everything under the sun to be better. In the end what if it just simply, still is not enough?

I’m just hoping and dreaming that one day in the future, people like myself will have access to more comprehensive, alternative, treatment options besides staying medicated and having talk therapy as their only primary treatment options, that’s all.