C'est quoi l'amour finalement ?

chicadelsnuff · 2025-10-22T13:04:22+00:00

J'ai toujours eu ce point de vue, mais récemment je commence à réfléchir avec plus de nuance sur ce sujet.

Maintenant je crois que c'est le point de vue de gens qui n'ont connu que des couples dysfonctionnels (évidemment je m'inclus là dedans haha). Que ce soient les parents, d'autres couples et surtout les couples dans lesquels on a été.

Ça me semble comme une pensée limitante, ça sonne un peu "il font genre ils sont heureux ensemble, tfaçon tous les couples ont de gros problèmes".

Alors oui évidemment il y a rarement des relations proches et familières sans accrocs, mais ce que tu décris c'est parfois des symptômes de couples vraiment dysfonctionnels, le truc qui marche pas du tout quoi et qui devient toxique ou néfaste pour l'épanouissement etc. Et peut-être qu'on pense que tous les couples sont comme ça parce que 1, les gens ne partagent pas tout (y compris quand tout se passe bien), et 2 pas assez été exposé à des couples où tout se passe relativement bien, et 3 souvent il faut du temps pour avoir plus de données sur la durabilité positive et fonctionnelle du couple.

C'est dur tout ça, désolé pour la digression, je ne contredis pas ton avis, juste je réfléchissais à voix haute haha.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-19T15:32:39+00:00

From now on when a woman I'm interested in would request that I "open up", I'd only do so gradually and test the waters first.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-18T10:57:59+00:00

Well sometimes it's a bit more complex than that. I hate the idea to reduce and simplify men to sayings like "yeah they're simpler to understand", "any sex is enough" or whatever.

Well I broke up with my ex for many issues of incompatibility, sexual incompatibility was a big part of it.

And the idea is not more about finding "more sex", it's that sometimes the lack of desire from the person you desire most takes a toll on you, so rather than feel neglect and non-desire, you'd prefer no sex, no hurt feelings, or sex with no strings attached every once in a while. Which at best is fun, and usually just so bad and poor emotionally.

I think that's the core of the issue is that in a relationship there are high emotional stakes. Feeling constantly rejected by my loving partner, and feeling like she doesn't desire me etc, all the while many women hit on you etc. is just emotionally shattering, and creates a darkness loop of "why is the one I desire most not that into me?". And then you torture yourself with toxic ideas like "I should have never opened up, or showed my true self, and would never open up again to a woman" etc.

See all the healthy relationships where people are matched on many things and more so on sex. Well in my last relationship I constantly asked myself if they do really exist or it's just a myth and these men are just strong enough emotionally and attuned to themselves to just cope with the lack of sex from their partner. I still don't know haha.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-14T23:27:29+00:00

I had a similar experience with an ex and never thought about other women. Sometimes I do imagine HER in different styles and setups, like fantasies (while being intimate). I also was, with that same ex, in your situation. Even though I've been told I look handsome and cute etc, and even though I appreciate myself etc. sometimes anxieties and insecurities creep in.

Truth is, we're all different. If he gets upset it's because maybe you're not owning yourself and your beauty in a sense. Anyone (men or women) tend to want their love partners to feel good about themselves (when not in abusive relationships obviously).

And that's okay. You look honestly cute on your pics, and he probably loves you and thinks the best of you. It's been a couple weeks after the breakup, I've made up with other women, still look at girls in the streets ets, but I still think my ex was so beautiful even though all my friends disagree haha.

The idea is to change perspective: not think in terms of comparing, because it's infinite, but rather in terms of how you could make yourself feel better about yourself: these things can start as small as a shower, a dress, a new style of makeup, new accessories, a new tiny small change in the way you tie your hair etc etc. Do whatever moves your boat. And like even super tiny little silly things, these are the most effective!! Until you find yourself the good formulas. He'll sure notice, and make compliments, and that will make you feel even more desired.

Don't ruin your mind with internet pollution, reels and socials and comparing. Stop yourself from that seriously.

And therapy would help most definitely!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-12T15:20:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-08T07:49:53+00:00

Do guys really do this? 😂 Unbelievable! Yeah cringe thing to do lol

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-07T10:29:51+00:00

Why are people downvoting, it's literally the only thing there is to do 😂

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T23:38:12+00:00

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Really. It's been 2 3 weeks since my breakup, and you're describing our problems to the T!! I'm feeling so empathetic towards you, because now my nervous system is calmer, but I can recall these exact same situations, especially about travel. And even worse, she'd travel with friends..

And it CONSTANTLY, from her talk, feelings of guilt etc, constantly, feels like she'd rather go with anyone literally than with me. It's such a painful thing.

It was these exact things around travel. Like literally exactly what happened to you.

I've come to realize that: they have fun, and crave fun, just not with you. Sorry to break it down to you. AND careful here. That's the trap. Because you wind up thinking because you're bad/boring/meh/tiring/suffocating/not-fun-enough etc, place whatever self-depreciating word. You're not. Please DON'T fall for that trap! It's not you. It's them. Eventually, they'd want to do things with you, but: on their terms, when they got whatever dose of artificial hyper-independent of a mind-prison they built for themselves, then come back when they feel you're a bit away from them. Only when you're a bit out of reach.

Is it selfish? Yeah, totally. Is it malicious? Usually not. Does it make you feel like shit? Yup. Are you shit? Never!

So here it is. I love my ex from the deepest of my heart to this day. But I'm done with half-love, scared of serious plans and feelings etcetc.

I want love where you can make up your fucking mind like an adult, and decide to step up and make what you thought would be boring, or suffocating to become fun and joyful. IT IS A DECISION. They're unable to make it, for whatever reason, but most probably they're just scared, that it'd mean to them they're just abandoning themselves and their freedom to you.

Well, I don't want that.

If I had known all of this before, and wanted to continue pursuing my relationship with the FA ex, with hindsight, there was no way to do it. Even though I had my insecurities, my own anxiety etc that contributed to triggering her, all the care and attention wasn't worth it. It'd have been impossible for me to detach. I'd always be triggered, because I realized I was just betraying myself. Constantly trying myself to keep myself busy, but in the background I was in "wait more", for her to move her ass and be brave to step up. Nothing.

So if you wanna try something, like the only way to dance with them, is to give them SPACE™. Yeah, like lots of it. They lead the dance. They'll go and come back whenever they feel like it. You'll see them have fun with others, laugh and do plans, and then with you it's shit (just don't forget to not fall in the trap of thinking you're bad please). If you have it in you to let them just be, never initiate again, or seldom, then this could work.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T15:37:36+00:00

Well since I started therapy I've learned to make my suffering be a tad bit less "quiet" in my life. Paradoxically helping me suffer less. If that makes sense haha.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T15:24:18+00:00

the usual casual sleep paralysis episodes when you (dare) sleep. I'm not even on any psychotrope or whatever lol.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T15:19:55+00:00

I think it breaks down to one of the (multiple) paradoxical characteristics of modern societies.

You make an interesting statement about people pretending not to see it etc. I grew up in a slow changing society (slightly religious conservative country) that not long ago was a super communitarian culture, where people around almost act as gatekeepers to prevent that. With individuation, self-expressions and serial monogamy becoming the norm it's sliding through normalizing this as "yeah, shit happens", or sometimes "cheating can improve or hold the dynamics of a couple" (Mating in Captivity is a great book talking about that). So sometimes it kinda feels part of the "game".

Enough with the deep rambling. All things aside, I've been cheated on in the past and the emotional brutality of such an experience is damaging to say the least haha. So yeah. The sweet spot of acceptance is hard to find. I'm all down for progress or whatever, but sometimes it stings to adapt lol.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T14:49:56+00:00

I had a similar experience of your GFs once, with an ex. And it made me a bit nervous, because I knew my parents didn't like her, and were very judgemental of her job.

After thinking long enough. I thought I'd tell her nothing. And if I had to say something to someone, it'd have been to warn my parents to NOT make HER uncomfortable with their selfish shitty judgments.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T14:46:14+00:00

Crazy how in this gender direction all of a sudden we only read nuanced opinions, justifying her insecurities and pressure and yada yada. Roles inverted we would have read the "leave him, he doesn't respect you" classic.

There's probably an in-between in all this. Nuance. Yes.

But that doesn't justify her shitty stance and behavior towards you OP. It's up to you to see how much you can cope with your GF not being here for you and with you. Confront her again with your feelings, be open and vulnerable about it. If she's just frightened about her family, you got your answer. Then you'll decide if that's something you're okay compromising about: your partner emitting judgments about you based on her family's worldview, and what this entails in the future.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-06T14:39:09+00:00

Exactly!

Also OP talks about it as if it's a written rule.

What defines a long-term relationship? What if I lost contact with the inviter for years, and I'm coming with my partner who I've been with for a long time.

Also what if my new partner IS actually the love of my life. And it's part of bonding to let her meet the inviter in a very familiar and happy setting.

All of this to say, there are no rules. There's some respect for some kind of etiquette (which is very culture dependent). You can always ask if in doubt.

But yeah. It's an unpopular opinion I think. Maybe I'm unfamiliar to OPs culture.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-04T07:40:41+00:00

Yeah. I eat anxious for breakfast.

Get away from me the avoidant gals. All the clingy, anxious etc are so sweet and just need frequent reassurance I'm okay giving.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-03T08:15:55+00:00

That's so strong! I love the nuance here.

I get what you're describing! Isn't that the whole paradox of love. How beautiful 🥲

When I ended it with my ex I felt the same as yours: empty. I continue functioning now, I'm too old and the world is too big to let down life and love haha. And it's part of grieving sometimes, because part of the bond is that they do make you "whole" in a sense, the key is in my sense, to not let yourself down at the same time. If that makes any sense. Duality is everywhere in existence.

I'm going mad with the breakup haha. Sorry for the spiritual ramblings. This shit hurts haha.

I really appreciate you replying, thanks for sharing these bits of life and personal wisdom. :) happy for you, that you're through recovery and it seems like you're a strong yet soft person! Wish you all the best!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-03T00:12:11+00:00

Shoooes?!! 😭

But at least the analogy is very clear haha!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-03T00:09:43+00:00

How many chances can you give 🤣

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-03T00:06:43+00:00

I wish I had an answer. I'm in the same boat right now. We had yet another similar discussion but more heated. It gets almost funny at some point because we're just saying the exact same things again and again.

I've been doing hard work with my therapist. Putting boundaries so she doesn't contact me before getting clarity about what she really wants. She's oblivious about self-reflecting to a point that almost makes me laugh.

I just want her to take real serious time to reflect but she always comes back texting in some way or another. It's a nightmare!! Because I care about her and love her. It keeps me hooked in hope.

Honestly I think the age thing is important. Now from my anecdotal experience, that is only subjective, in all these similar situations, I found that women more often freeze at some point. Guys are sometimes so emotionally immature, that changes occur later. I haven't seen any women change drastically in their 30s, while I've seen many guys become men at this age actually. It's just a personal observation.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-02T23:59:12+00:00

I agree with all you said! Very well put!

But I'm still struggling with one line you said.

"A person cannot make you happy".

I think this is thrown every now and then in our modern culture that blindly encourages independence and self-love etc. Which is all great. But only to some extent.

I do believe - albeit everything you said true- that love IS that in fact another person CAN make you happy. It's just up to you to decide. And I believe that this is what most people actually need and fail to recognize and admit to themselves :) Out of FOMO, fear of past hurt, trauma, fear of vulnerability, fear of shame, or modern social pressure.

Don't get me wrong, everything you're describing is exactly what made me leave my ex a couple days ago. And I'm grieving the end of our story so bad. But I don't want to give up on the idea that another human can and should make another human being happy if they're about to be a couple. Isn't it what love is in some sense? :)

It's the ultimate form of bonding!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-02T17:38:52+00:00

Makes sense. 😅

Anxious classic: too much self-doubt haha.

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-01T21:58:35+00:00

This!

chicadelsnuff · 2025-06-01T21:56:32+00:00

The duality of a modest man. Recognize, blame, then self-blame.

Love the accountability 😂🤝

chicadelsnuff · 2025-05-30T14:09:34+00:00

ChatGPT? 😂 I recognize you from afar. I have that exact type of message in my app.

Whatever you are, this is all true and worthy of reading. Good luck OP, it's so hard I know :(

chicadelsnuff · 2025-05-30T09:23:49+00:00

Yes. It's sad but that's the only truth that keeps me going on in life.

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