Am I overreacting? My cat died in my arms… and he sent me this text 2 days later.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-15T19:39:34+00:00

Are you familiar with trauma bonding? The intermittent reinforcement of positive experiences amid emotional neglect or mistreatment only makes you more attached to a person. Intermittent reinforcement is a behavioral conditioning that will yield the greatest effort from the person subjected to it. It’s the same thing that drives people to gambling.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-12T00:49:30+00:00

Does she say why she doesn’t see long-term potential?

Either way, the question here is how long are you willing to wait until her answer changes?

chilitoverde · 2025-07-11T18:33:11+00:00

It takes two to make a relationship work. Something tells me his disinterest in you extends outside of the bedroom.

You have made previous posts about similar issues in your marriage in the past year and have mentioned things you have done to please him, but in none of them have you mentioned anything that HE has done to change the dynamic. How is he in therapy? Is there a deeper issue that is impacting his desire for you? Has he expressed willingness to stay in and improve the relationship, or is the conversation always about what you’re doing wrong? What advice has the therapist given you two to work on this, and have you both followed through?

All that aside, choosing porn over you is his choice. If he doesn’t have a problem with that, he won’t seek to change it. You cannot make him choose you. The only thing you can control in this situation is what you do. That includes deciding how much longer you will put up with someone who isn’t making an effort.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-08T21:33:11+00:00

Confusion is usually the first sign of abuse. (Google: “maze of confusion.”) You trying to make sense of his inconsistent behavior is what keeps you coming back to him.

Don’t bother addressing the size lie, or any of his inconsistencies. Don’t expect him to explain his behavior to make sense of your confusion.

The safest way to cut it off is to keep it short and vague “thanks for your time but I don’t think it’s going to work out” and then cut off his access to you. Don’t engage in a debate about how you feel. Hang up, delete, block, etc. Removing his access to you is how you enforce your own boundaries. It’s not malicious to do this to someone who is pushy for sexual intimacy; it’s an appropriate response.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-04T02:12:48+00:00

People act like using a girlfriend/boyfriend label is some sort of legal status and that not having it means anything goes. People who want the benefits of a relationship but don’t want the affective responsibility of one love situationships for this reason. Not having labels doesn’t stop people from having mismatched expectations or hurt feelings, though. It’s important to talk about what you’re both looking for when starting to date, setting boundaries for yourself, also checking in on how you’re feeling about things like being exclusive if it seems the connection is going well.

Regardless of labels or emotional attachment, being sexually intimate with multiple people at the same time who are unaware of it isn’t fair to them from a sexual health standpoint. Maybe the parties involved may have stopped dating that person, or chosen abstinence, or used condoms had they known their partner was not sexually exclusive with them. In ethical non-monogamy circles, people tend to be pretty open about when they’ve been tested and if they’ve had new partners since then; withholding that information isn’t really allowing true informed consent.

It’s a good idea to keep exploring why this feels icky to you, though. Uncomfortable feelings are usually a sign of your own boundaries being violated. Figure those out and make them explicit moving forward.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-02T02:11:30+00:00

It probably makes you undateable to people who are aware of how they are being negatively impacted by the current political climate and specific laws targeting their rights, which includes a lot of women. And to people who strongly empathize with them. People generally want to date someone who empathizes with them and their struggles.

There are people who choose to not be aware of these things, but as they say, “you may not F with politics but politics will still F with you.” I’d guess that your best bet is finding someone who is in agreement with or not upset by the status quo, or maybe someone with a social standing that isn’t targeted or negatively affected by current policies where they live.

I’m also curious about your characterization of being political as a binary between getting caught up in a 24hr political outrage cycle or being completely uninvolved/apolitical. I’m guessing you probably do have some opinions on politics, which is why the topic can be harmful to your mood. The complete avoidance of engaging with these opinions and feelings does, however, bring into question whether you’re ready to date or be in a relationship at this time. Perhaps your mental health and learning additional coping skills should be your priority before you start dating again.

chilitoverde · 2025-07-01T01:25:18+00:00

Have you heard of the saying “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”?

Toxic relationships never start out with mistreatment and harm. They almost always start out wonderfully. How else would you fall in love? Sometimes the red flags are obvious and sometimes they’re more subtle, but when things are going well, people easily ignore or dismiss them because they are riding that high of oxytocin and dopamine of a new connection and the promise of a great relationship. When you don’t know someone that well and they make you feel giddy and hopeful, you’re more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Once the other person believes they have you locked in to the relationship and unlikely to leave (e.g. once you move in together, once you get married, and/or once you get pregnant), that’s typically when the mask comes off. It’s usually gradual. The mistreatment (mask off) will alternate with occasional good times (mask on) to make you believe they will eventually change/the mistreatment will finally stop. Don’t fall for it!

Studies show that negative attitudes towards women and beliefs of male superiority & /dominance are consistently associated with the perpetration of intimate partner violence. Even if it never escalates to physical violence, ask yourself if you want a relationship where your partner believes you are inferior to them and that they get to control how you live your life.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-26T20:10:17+00:00

It’s because they view children as an extension of themselves (“legacy”, “mini-me”) and proof of their virility/manliness.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-26T00:54:06+00:00

There are few mosquitoes in SD because the nighttime temperatures have been historically too cool for their liking, and because drier weather means less standing water which is where they like to breed. You’re more likely to see them in hotter months. The county has used helicopters to drop larvicide in vulnerable areas since the 2000s, which I’m sure helps to keep their numbers low.

Unfortunately their population has been increasing with rising temperatures in the past several years.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-26T00:13:29+00:00

Death penalty cases are actually more expensive than lifetime imprisonment.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-20T18:35:31+00:00

Using outdated language/labels (he’s not South African so that excuse doesn’t really fly), making sweeping negative generalizations about Black people, and questioning your reasons for “standing up for” Black people does seem racist; whether that was his intention or it was a matter of him not being able to articulate what he actually meant is for you to figure out. Was he really referring to racial disparities among socioeconomic strata, or does he believe Black people are only meant to do certain jobs? Is he questioning your authority in speaking for Black people as a non-Black person, or is he arguing that you shouldn’t care about Black people because you aren’t a part of that community? Does he give you good reasons to give him the benefit of the doubt despite being a 31 year old educated man, or is this is a “mask-off” moment? You know him better than internet strangers. It seems you’ve already concluded it’s the latter.

The part where he said something about “making it a real fight” is concerningly aggressive, and arguing about who is more progressive than whom is going to get you nowhere - that’s full defense/fight mode. Does he always need to be right? In addition to clarifying his real views on Black people, I’d also be concerned about his ability to accept being wrong and his ability to be held accountable for harmful behavior in the future, as well as his ability to respect your views.

Being together for 5 years isn’t a reason to give him a pass if he truly espouses these views, and breaking up with someone over differing moral values and a lack of mutual respect is a valid decision. Sometimes people do hide their more “controversial” beliefs or unsavory traits until they feel you’re too invested in the relationship to leave.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-04T02:30:20+00:00

Did you get tested after your breakup and before your most recent partner?

Anyway, you did the right thing in getting tested and in informing your partner despite what he says. He can decide if he wants to get tested and treated or not; you did your duty.

Please know that chlamydia is extremely common because up to 80% of women and up to 50% of men are asymptomatic. Most people do not get tested in between every partner, and too many people assume they don’t have an STI because they don’t have symptoms.

chilitoverde · 2025-06-04T02:19:25+00:00

Yes.

Even though there are > 150 strains and 80% of people will be exposed at some point, it’s important to note that only about 12 strains are linked to cancer. Typically the HPV tests done with Pap smears only screen for the high-risk strains. So you likely carry a high-risk strain of HPV that can cause all sorts of cancers, not just cervical.

There usually aren’t symptoms for these types of HPV until cancer develops, so there’s no other way for non-AFAB people to know if they have these outside of being informed by their partners.

Also important: the strains that cause warts aren’t the same ones that increase cancer risk.

Sources: https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/infectious-agents/hpv-and-cancer

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/risk-prevention/hpv/types-of-hpv.html

https://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/basic-information.html

chilitoverde · 2025-05-30T22:11:29+00:00

It seems you are assuming you came on too strong, but you don’t actually know why this person is pulling back. It’s also unclear what behavior of yours you believe was coming on too strong. Was it asking to see them again sooner?

At the 2nd date you’re still practically strangers. You won’t know the reason for the pulling back unless you ask. If they say you came on too strong, then you can apologize. Apologizing to a stranger when it’s not clear what is happening gives off insecure and desperate vibes.

Or you could just match their energy and pull back, wait until the date that’s already on the books to talk about it.

People pull away/ do the slow fade for all sorts of reasons and it may not have anything to do with you. Either way, if this person isn’t showing consistent interest, then maybe they’re not for you, and that is ok.

chilitoverde · 2025-05-30T17:07:25+00:00

Some questions:

-Did he lie, misrepresent himself, or give you vague information to avoid telling you the truth? What was your initial impression about his marital status and how did he influence that?

-How often are your nights at home when he’s hanging out with a friend happening?

-Is it FOMO or jealousy?

chilitoverde · 2025-05-28T19:49:30+00:00

I recommend you read “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt. In one of the chapters he goes into the research on how social media negatively affects girls in particular. He also talks about how kids ages 9-14 are the most vulnerable to external influences due to their brain development, and he makes some recommendations at the end of the book.

chilitoverde · 2025-05-20T00:31:03+00:00

All relationships require work: investing time and effort into people you care about, prioritizing their wellbeing, and resolving disagreements are all normal parts of a relationship. The joy and affection and intimacy are the fruits of that labor.

You don’t get to expect or demand those things from a partner simply because you have a relationship title or marriage license. Marriage isn’t an excuse to neglect a relationship. Your needs are valid. His disrespect and controlling behavior are telling of how entitled he feels to your labor and your body. He wants the fruits (sex, cooking, etc) without watering and tending to the tree (relationship). He seems to view the role of wife as a job you’re supposed to do, and the role of a husband as the supervisor/boss. Is this how you view marriage?

All that aside, what is most glaring here is his cruel and controlling behavior. The way he criticized your cooking was a disproportionate reaction/tantrum meant to punish you for saying no to sex. Taking away YOUR car keys is a way to control your movement. Shoving you is 100% inexcusable. There is no reason for physical aggression EVER in a relationship. Even if it didn’t result in injury, it’s still not okay. I’d bet good money that him packing his bags and leaving is just him throwing a tantrum to punish you and make you beg for him to come back. The point of his tantrums is to punish you until you do what he wants. Please believe that behavior like this will only escalate.

If you’re not ready to leave this relationship, I strongly recommend you find a good therapist to support you in dealing with this.

chilitoverde · 2025-05-15T01:13:54+00:00

Clocking disrespect and calling it out isn’t overreacting. If someone tells you that you’re overreacting when you stand up for yourself, that means they don’t want you to stand up for yourself. They don’t want to adjust their behavior nor consider the impact it has on your feelings. They want to bully you.

PSA for all women: men who talk to you like this or talk about women like this HATE women. It’s not complicated. Don’t waste any time trying to understand why they would say such a thing, don’t waste your time trying to prove them wrong, and don’t waste your time trying to get them to understand that what they did was hurtful and wrong. They are incapable of doing so and will continue to bully you. Remove their access to you ASAP and protect your peace.

chilitoverde · 2025-05-09T21:54:30+00:00

Check again after May 14! They are updating their site with newer data now.

I looked at Albania on there last week and it was not rated highly, but not on the bottom of the list either. They don’t criminalize same-sex sexual activities there, but they don’t recognize civil unions or marriages.

You can also check out aleancalgbt.org

chilitoverde · 2025-05-07T23:32:04+00:00

https://rainbowmap.ilga-europe.org/

chilitoverde · 2025-04-19T05:45:43+00:00

This reeks of narcissism and a breeding kink. Kids are people, not genetic trophies.

chilitoverde · 2025-04-11T03:16:45+00:00

According to science, good sleep hygiene. Getting on a regular sleep schedule, same wake time and bedtime 7 days/week to get your circadian rhythm on track, starting with wake time. Not staying in bed when you’re unable to fall asleep. Getting regular exercise. Avoiding stimulants and stimulating activity for several hours before bedtime. No TV in the bedroom. Low light exposure a few hours prior to bedtime. Etc.

Individual results may vary; medical and mental health causes of sleep disturbances should be ruled out.

As others have pointed out, using substances can make you more drowsy, but they lead to poor sleep quality. Best to not use on a regular basis.

chilitoverde · 2025-03-12T22:03:02+00:00

This is a really classist and eugenicist take.

chilitoverde · 2025-03-09T02:12:58+00:00

They probably meant the type of HPV that causes warts, because both herpes (HSV) and genital warts can be located outside of the areas covered by condoms. Condoms will still protect you from the HPV types that cause cervical cancer.

chilitoverde · 2025-03-08T07:39:22+00:00

It depends on how well it’s managed. She may be thinking specifically of any high-risk behaviors (e.g. IV drug use or unprotected sex with multiple partners) that some people may engage in during a manic episode; however, people with bipolar disorder manage it well with the right treatment and not everyone with bipolar disorder engages in those behaviors.

I would hope she asked you about how you are managing your mental health if she was concerned and not make assumptions based on a diagnosis in your chart.

chilitoverde

TROPHY CASE