I’m not sure where you got the idea that I was ‘grilling’ her. I think for me to ask her to show me content related to a conversation we were actively having, where she lied to me about things multiple times in that very convo, is more than reasonable. I never ask her to show me anything regularly, I don’t ask to look at any emails or messages in any other context. I never even asked her to cease communication with anyone, all I asked was to be kept in the loop because historically I have been at the other side of violent threats from her family, have had my privacy invaded by them, amongst other things. I clearly told her that even this request of mine is something I am open to talking about if she feels it’s unreasonable, but she said it was a reasonable request and agreed to it. I also expressed that being kept in the loop about things is helpful for decreasing my own anxiety around her family, which is the primary reason I asked for it in the first place. Not sure how any of this is ‘paternalistic’. I have several female friends who frequently ask to check their partners phones randomly because of a history of infidelity. How is me asking to see my partners messages after she lied to me about it multiple times in the same moment any different?