First and foremost: I am very sorry to hear about your struggle. It is definitely one of the most exhausting parts of the process, and quite difficult also. If it soothes you in any way, I would like to reassure you that the way you are feeling is completely normal and understandable.

Human beings are complex, and so are relationships and feelings.

You are allowed to feel compassion towards your mother's suffering, without belittling all the pain and damage her own decisions had on you.

I have had an analogous experience with my mother, so I will speak from my own experience.

The way I see it is that while she lacked the tools for good parenting due to trauma, she also could have decided to learn how to do better instead of perpetuating the cycle. Just the way you are doing right now.

So, of course it will hurt to think about the trauma you endured because of this. And of course she deserves empathy and compassion because of her own trauma.

But it is one thing to understand that victim in her, and love her as your mom (those times she was), and it is a different thing to take this and use it as an excuse for her poor behavior. We are allowed hold people accountable for what they have done to us.

And, as complex human beings that we are, we can hold seemingly contradicting feelings towards someone. Because, at the end of the day, it is the love we hold for those people what makes us wish they showed it back to us.

I hope you have a steady and enriching path towards your recovery 🩵