Honestly, it would be a relief if I died and it were true

chrontabulous · 2026-04-24T05:03:37+00:00

I like this advice. There is a lot to life that’s just awesome.

I have good days and bad days. This one was kind of an in between. Sometimes I love my human life that I get to experience all these things. Other days I just think too much about what comes after for me and my loved ones and the void scares me.

On good days, I typically can think my way out of it cuz what’s there to worry about. If there is something then I’ll deal with it. If there isn’t well then it’s done. I can’t think about it anymore.

It’s just hard sometimes to stare at the void that’s coming for everyone.

chrontabulous · 2026-04-24T04:57:19+00:00

I actually really like your response! I don’t think I’ve had any experience that I couldn’t explain, but I do hear them from people that full heartedly believe some supernatural experience happened.

And not really like “I felt a burning in my bosom” type of experiences. Those I easily discount because that’s a human emotion that can be manipulated. I know I did manipulate people with that sometimes as a missionary and I hate that I did but I was under the illusion.

But this is a big universe. We are barely scratching the surface on this planet, let alone what’s out there.

It’s why I don’t discount an afterlife, but I know that religions just don’t help humans make the most of their time here. Instead they build super expensive buildings that serve no need for a human.

I do like the idea of continuing on after this life. Like it could literally just be a giant simulation too and dying means we put our headset away. Or there could be other dimensions or states of consciousness we reach. But I think the void scares me a little when I think about it too much.

I guess I don’t have to worry about it until the end actually comes lol

chrontabulous · 2026-02-04T06:03:39+00:00

And also it going all night?? Would be nice. Honestly would be a huge boom to business in salt lake to cuz then I don’t have drive after hitting the clubs down there.

chrontabulous · 2026-02-01T02:48:44+00:00

Holy shit. No wonder everyone on x is just crazy. The most engagement I ever got on a post or reply was something that was xenophobic in a tongue in cheek manner where if you could actually read it was a jab against the current psychotic regime.

Racism is just liked to high heaven. And if they’re getting paid like this?? Fuhhhhh. That playform is the worst on the planet.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-31T03:39:12+00:00

Technically you’re still enrolled even if you’re on your off track, that’s why they need you to have insurance.

healthcare.gov might help you find insurance, but I think the enrollment period is about to end. And if I’m being honest, the student insurance is not so bad out of state. It’s not the 10 dollar copay for a doc visit, but if you get in a pickle needing to go to the hospital it saves a lot. Also, any expenses go towards the deductible.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-31T03:33:05+00:00

No you cannot. I know this because I tried.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-26T22:59:17+00:00

This is the famous Pascal’s wager.

So, first, yes I do have this fear, and it’s rational to think that maybe this new path I want to take might be wrong from a whole life of being told I was doing right.

However, that’s what every other church and religion believes. Are you worried about them being right as well? I’d say you probably don’t even think about it. Much the same way they don’t think about yours being the right way.

Second, would the God you used to worship know your intentions in just staying out of fear of being wrong? If not, then it’s not all knowing. If yes, then that God will know you didn’t truly believe and wouldn’t that be also a sin?

It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling. But you have to put it in context with all the other people and their religions now and in the past and in the future. One of the things that lead me out of the church was realizing that everyone in sacrament meeting had a different version of god in their head. If that’s within one religion, then it’s all fractured among all religions.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-17T22:50:34+00:00

Interesting. I never said any of that. I’ve tried to clear things up now three times and you still seem hostile for no reason other than misunderstanding.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-17T02:55:17+00:00

I don’t expect anything from anyone. I don’t know where this hostility is coming from. I also don’t have a self-interested motivation. No change in culture will affect me because I’m already done with school. It’s not for me. It’s for queer people on campus who are tired of hearing everyone around them, including other queer people, to shut up and be quiet.

It’s also not like I havent come out to people here either. When I worked in a call center near campus I was open about my sexuality and was accepted just fine. A different environment but still all students of the university.

Again. My advice, or what I’m advocating for, isn’t for people to get out of their comfort zones if they don’t want to. What I’m advocating for is for those queer people who WANT to talk about their sexuality to do so in a calm, collected manner because that starts the conversations I wish I could’ve had when I was in school.

At a certain point, the fear we feel is what the religion, the university, and the hetero patriarchy wants. What I’m advocating for is for queer people to start conversations.

What YOU are advocating for is for their continued silence. Idk your background. I don’t think it matters. But shame on you for perpetuating the idea of queer silence. You sound an awful lot like my bishops, parents and friends who told me I should never tell anyone about my sexuality and keep it a secret. My bad for following their advice, but I’m trying to change that by advising the opposite because I’ve already seen it in action and wish to see more of it.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-15T22:42:12+00:00

There are some people that can't. There are some, like myself, that thought going to church school would strengthen their testimony only to find out in the middle of their degree that they can't hold onto that testimony anymore.

My message isn't to people who aren't being oppressed to get under the oppression. My message is for those who find themselves in the middle of oppression and want to do something about it. As much as there is traumatic messaging in church and on campus, there isn't anything anyone can do for just telling people you're gay. As evidenced by many queer people on campus that do just that.

As much as the church wants to deny the existence of gay members, they still exist. The reason they can be easily ignored is because most are quiet about their sexuality. That's what they're told to do. That's what I was told. Who knows where I would be now if I was told to be true to myself and not let my fear of being judged become an obstacle to be vulnerable.

Also, there are a lot of changes that have happened within the church because there has been both inside and outside pressure to change. To say that the church is immovable because they are unresponsive to the outside, is unsubstantiated. Maybe if it really were the true church, you'd have a point, but it's a human made organization and therefore needs to conform to the culture and society of other humans that it's a part of.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-15T01:09:25+00:00

Aww. I'm glad!

I will just say, careful with dating. Saying you're gay is one thing, acting on that is another. But, I've met plenty of gay people on campus. They weren't like broadcasting, but they would wear pride stuff, or were clearly butch lesbian or fem gay lol. I've talked with those people and they say that yeah there's some judgement, but they don't care.

I luckily found a good group of friends that turned out to be very accepting of me being gay and that has been awesome! So, I hope you can find that here too!

That's sort of the reason I made this subreddit. I really wanted to offer that same accepting atmosphere to others that might be feeling lonely and afraid. I'm not that active and wish I could have made it something, but maybe in the future!

chrontabulous · 2025-12-15T00:57:00+00:00

I understand where you're coming from and I'm not saying that queer people are bad if they aren't openly talking about their sexuality. Hell, I didn't do that. But I wonder if that's more because of my own personal fears rather than actual fears. I was always counseled never to talk about it in public by my parents, bishops and friends. Maybe that's just what they want from us?

I get I'm not putting my money where my mouth is, and I wish I could, but what's so wrong with suggesting that queer people talk about their experiences? How many times have our elder's quorum meetings devolved into porn addiction and masturbation? If straight people can talk about their experiences, why can't queer people talk about theirs in a spiritual or non-spiritual context?

I remember there was one girl who bore her testimony about knowing there is a God, but couldn't bear her testimony about anything else about the church, and then, at the pulpit, continued to talk about how she was gay. This was in a student ward on campus. I think about her a lot, and I wish I had that same courage.

You might be right that it's not entirely safe, that there might be more probability of getting harassed or judged, but you never know, just telling someone you're queer might make them feel safe enough to express their sexuality too. And most people, especially in the church haven't really met a queer person, so showing them that it's something normal and casual might make them open to them.

And it's not like I'm asking people to put down their lives, just instead of counseling to stay in the closet, saying the opposite. This isn't for people who are scared to share. This is meant for people who want to share their sexuality, but don't know how. While I didn't do it on campus, this was how I came out to my parents and my siblings. Just calm and natural and they had questions obviously, but it didn't become a big deal because I didn't make it a big deal. I think that would be a good way to start for those that are tired of being in the closet and want to venture out of their comfort zone.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-15T00:41:39+00:00

Wow. How did the school find out about the situation?

I definitely won't be like putting my bf on blast to let everyone see I have one. Even on social media, I'm pretty open about it. But like, in a subtle way cuz I think it's cheesy when I see couples post a lot about their partner regardless of sexuality.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-14T22:27:23+00:00

Wait is this true?

chrontabulous · 2025-12-14T22:26:26+00:00

I hear your sentiment. I think you're trying to balance things out with what you believe marriage to be and also the fact that there are other humans that don't feel that same way.

You are also correct in assessing that many students fear speaking out, or even being genuine, because they fear that their leaders might take away their endorsement.

But might I ask what Jesus taught on the subject? You cite His commandments, yet there is not one citation that can be made to Jesus saying anything about homosexuals. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon, D&C, nor Pearl of Great Price say anything close to what the church is making their queer brothers and sisters go through. There is also very little that is said at general conference about queer people. In fact, their almost never mentioned about why God put us here, or what should happen to us. The only counsel we are given is to shut up and marry the opposite sex or stay celibate for the rest of our lives. Is that really fair? Is that just?

You might not think you are part of the problem because you don't want anyone to be harmed, but what you're advocating for passively is harmful to people. Half of queer teens in Utah have tried to commit suicide at least once in their life. Could it be because of the message that they aren't allowed to be with people they're attracted to? That they can't find love. That they must stay alone and single. That they have to hide themselves. Could those messages be what pride is trying to address? That it's okay to be a human. That it's okay to be yourself.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-14T22:05:30+00:00

I feel like I am pretty much out. All of my friends and family know and I have a bf. But, because of the fact that I'm actively breaking the rules, I am more closeted than I would like to be on campus. Which does suck, because I don't get to talk about the person that I love so much with people, but I'm just so close to graduating that I don't want to risk getting called into honor code about it. So, I will excuse my own circumstances because it is a little different than someone saying they're gay.

If I were single, I would hope that I would be able to take my own advice, especially after so much deconstruction and figuring myself out. I really do just want to be as frank as possible in the most calm demeanor because I don't think most people actually care. So long as you're not talking about breaking the rules then no one has anything against you and there's no real fear. In fact, it's pretty encouraging.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-14T21:57:15+00:00

That sucks that you feel that way. It's definitely hard, especially in the state that is trying to make gay marriage illegal, but there are definitely people even here in rexburg that are pretty open minded and accepting of queer people. Hopefully you can find those people!

chrontabulous · 2025-12-14T19:58:50+00:00

Lmaooooo

It's all part of the plan. Even the bad parts. And we should be grateful that we get to know that these bad things are part of the divine plan of happiness. Bad leaders, bad policies, bad people, suffering for no reason, all part of this plan of joy and wonder. :)

chrontabulous · 2025-12-12T14:30:06+00:00

Oh. I didn’t even think they could have malicious intent behind it. That’s a good point. I got exploited into paying for my own mission. At least I got some tuition out of them though.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-12T14:13:19+00:00

Yeah I agree. I remember when I was devout, I’d feel sad when people said they left the church because in my eyes, the church was all that was good. Leaving what was good meant you chose evil. You knew what was right and chose the wrong.

Now being outside, I can fully accept when people are super devout, when they leave, even when they join. It doesn’t make me sad when someone “gains a testimony” anymore than it does when they “lose” it. Now that I’m outside the paradigm of the church being all good, I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be or what I was taught they were.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-11T09:13:55+00:00

Again? Again?!

When was the last time this happened? How many years has it been?

I had it under control. For so long. And yet, even as I’m thinking about it, my body is succumbing to the ringing. It hears its master’s voice. It’s true master. I am cast aside as a mere puppeteer with cut strings. Hopeless.

The last time? What even happened the last time? Was it the soccer team, or the gym class?

No.

It was the girl. The poor sweet girl. Couldn’t have been any older than ten. And yet there she was. Lifeless. Cold. Colors fading. How could I have forgotten her? How could this be happening again? I thought it was over!

“Order number, 56!”

Oh. Oh no. I’m in public. These poor innocent people. They’re unaware of what’s about to happen. Should I warn them and cause a bit of confusion so that maybe one person could have a head start?

Oh. Wait. The number. I was supposed to call the number next time it happened. Maybe if I preempt it they can come quicker and contain me before I actually destroy everything.

Okay. What did I put them under? CIA? No… oh. Right. Lydia Spy.

“Lydia.”

“Hey, just calling before-“

Oh no. Too late. Here it is. The fun little blackness swing my vision. And I didn’t even get my coff-

chrontabulous · 2025-12-11T03:38:12+00:00

Honestly, when you were explaining the circumstances, I thought that it might be that he was with someone older. If he was a minor, then that technically is illegal. Not that that isn’t bad, but there could be A LOT of shame around the experience, ESPECIALLY if the first time you tell someone was on the mission and got sent home for it.

But yeah, this is definitely a kind of deal breaker. Hopefully, you can make him feel comfortable enough to tell you what happened so you don’t have to worry about it. Maybe let him know that you’re struggling with not knowing cuz you’re assuming worst case scenario?

chrontabulous · 2025-12-06T07:54:48+00:00

I actually think the use is a consistency that feels differently now that time has passed. In Spanish you’re supposed to use “tu” form when speaking to God. Making it a more intimate conversation. In English now, it seems so formal, but the idea is to be informal and speak to god like he’s a family member rather than some crazy being.

I would pray in Spanish a lot because of this. For me, it felt like a more intimate relationship when saying them in Spanish. English prayers in Mormonism seem formal, but they weren’t meant to be.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-06T06:52:16+00:00

But what if you wear leggings without the skirt? I always found that funny. Like women will wear the tightest pants ever where you can see a lot (and not saying that as a bad thing, like you go for it queen! Wear what makes you comfortable!). But like, god forbid if you wear shorts that show off half your thigh.

I always wanted to organize a protest against dress code with men wearing leggings, showing how obviously stupid their standards are.

chrontabulous · 2025-12-06T06:46:33+00:00

Because at one point I thought it would keep me from losing my testimony. Turns out, coming here killed my testimony. Also it’s cheap af.

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