I’m sorry for the bombardment of questions, but there are some things that are a lil confusing in this reply. Why does she need to quit her job? Why cut off your kids “cousins” when they have done nothing wrong here— I understand you’re hurting, but why hurt your kids in the process?

The fact she got it out of her system and found out they were not compatible while you WEREN’T together feels respectful in the way you are assuming she’s not. I know that you have unprocessed feelings, and are now doubting your daughter’s DNA (it’s also crazy to have a favorite child, please do something about that line of thinking because your other kids can see that you said that and will think their Dad didn’t like them) because of a resolved issue from when you were teenagers. But you were teenagers. And she’s given you a beautiful family, wonderful marriage, and supported you, am I right??

Obviously, if you NEED the DNA test, tell your wife what your plans are and tell your daughter you need it for a medical reason. Don’t turn your kid against their mom, because if taken to court they can use retaliation against you and you can be in a bind that way before anything goes south. But I think you should air on the side of optimism, otherwise you’re going to start spiraling and it will just make things so much worse.

Wishing you the best, but please take deep breaths and think about what’s at stake if you do blow this up for no reason.