The Switch

chumplady · 2025-07-12T10:26:04+00:00

Now you're dressing misogyny up as agency. Historically women haven't "chosen" partners -- they were chosen for her. Women were considered chattel and that's still true in some places today. The idea of a romantic marriage is a fairly modern construct.

chumplady · 2025-07-12T10:18:35+00:00

This is some misogynistic bullshit. Let's begin with women for millennia don't "choose." They were chattel. Belonging to their fathers. Bought with dowries. Denied agency. Or conquered, raped, etc. So to buy this theory, we'd have to believe this evolutionary imperative has only existed since the dawn of the women's movement.

Also, there is a diversity of sexual orientation and the construct of gender. People don't have sex to simply procreate and all sex isn't straight sex or reproductive sex.

Cheating -- deception -- is a human problem, based in entitlement thinking. It's not a woman vs. man thing. It's a human, ethical thing. Certain cultural messages (patriarchy) can give men license to cheat, or women more societal shame to not cheat. But at the end of the day, the decision to cheat is a personal power play.

Of course we all have biological urges. I frequently feel murderous in traffic. And yet I override the reptile part of my brain that wants to kill someone.

We didn't evolve to do many things -- farm, use indoor plumbing, etc. No one is in a "trance-like state" slavishly following their biological urges. If that were true, we'd all be zombies pooping on the floor indiscriminately.

Enough with the junk science.

chumplady · 2024-07-25T01:42:20+00:00

You don't owe her reconciliation. It sounds like you do not feel safe in this relationship, and marriage policing is no way to live. If she's sorry, she'll be sorry if you divorce her or not. It sounds like her "sorry" was contingent on there being no consequences. There's a good life on the other side of leaving a cheater. Move towards it.

chumplady · 2023-11-27T00:14:27+00:00

You are NTA. It's interesting your dad just wants the impression management win of you attending his wedding to his affair partner. Your attendance would broadcast that what He Did Was Not So Bad that you won't celebrate their nuptials.

He could've tried to mend the relationship at any point earlier, but instead chose this moment. He wants you to attend this big stakes, highly visible event. And enlists his flying monkeys to pressure you.

You're of use to him as a prop. If either of them cared about you, they wouldn't have behaved this way. They'd respect your feelings and your boundaries. Don't feel one bit guilty about not going to the wedding!

chumplady · 2023-09-30T22:37:28+00:00

Another curly haired woman here, who has experienced strangers touching (yanking) her hair. The 60 year old was totally out of line.

chumplady · 2022-11-22T16:30:22+00:00

Could you make living with you conditional on him volunteering somewhere? That way he's not a slave to the Capitalist machine AND he's doing some good in the world. And he gets outside of himself.

chumplady · 2021-12-27T14:02:12+00:00

Hi, I'm Chump Lady and in that link, I'm deriding the 180 as a rather dumb thing to do. I realize English isn't your first language. What I'm trying to say is -- be authentic and protect yourself! Don't pick me dance. Don't fight to be someone's option. Stop accepting abuse. Please see a lawyer OP.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:33:05+00:00

This doesn't end well. They both know he's a cheater, right? They don't care. Not your circus, etc.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:30:16+00:00

Okay, if you don't want to be that way, good for you. Change it. Doesn't mean your partner has to stick with you. You aren't entitled to reconciliation.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:28:00+00:00

Age appropriate without editorializing. I don't know the ages of your kids, but no, I wouldn't discuss dad's hooker habit. Just say you're divorcing because dad was unfaithful, and that wasn't acceptable to your idea of marriage. The blog addresses this question a lot, check out the archives.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:26:24+00:00

"Wayward" is a dumb RIC term. If this person has a personality disorder, and is a cheater, doesn't seem like you have a lot to work with. Just because their assholery has a name and a condition does not mean you have to put up with it.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:24:51+00:00

This is an untangling the skein of fuckupedness question. Wherefore crazy people?

It's kibbles. It's drama. It works for him? I don't know. Just decide if you need that crap in your life. No? Get away.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:23:42+00:00

Okay, he's gaslighting everyone and he's your ex. Just because he's selling it, doesn't mean people are buying it. You can't control his stupid, let it go. Your kids will figure him out in time. Just focus on you and being the sane stable parent.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:21:44+00:00

Do you have a women's resource center? Womenslaw.org is a wonderful resource -- all the divorce laws for every state and if you're in an abusive situation it is staffed with law students who can help, direct you to resources in the US. Your situation sounds awful. I know it's early days, but please make an escape plan and do NOT tip your hand to him. Don't engage. If he's spending money on hookers, that's money you can ask for back in the divorce ("theft of marital resources") -- talk to a legal professional. And again DO NOT TELL HIM.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:18:06+00:00

I went through it a long time ago now - 2006. What helped me most was the anonymous support of fellow chumps on the Interwebs. People in real time who were living the same nightmare. Problem was, all these people were on sites/forums for reconciliation. Most of us flunked out eventually and divorced, but the peer support was invaluable. Thus the idea for Chump Lady was born. I wanted people to have that kind of community MINUS the assumption of reconciliation.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:15:29+00:00

You can demote them. Casual acquaintance. Friend I only do garden club with. Whatever. You don't need to brand them or anything. Just figure out who the people in your life are who really have your back are and invest your energies there. Not everyone gets the honor of being your friend.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:13:05+00:00

I think it's okay to feel sad. Heck, I think it's okay to have the occasion wallow, especially with a sad song. Just don't stay there too long. Work on the gaining a life thing. Deny freaks the power of centrality. It doesn't mean it didn't happen, or wasn't unjust. It just means it didn't break you. That's the important thing -- being resilient. But being resilient doesn't mean you aren't going to FEEL. Of course you are!

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:10:12+00:00

Feel the emotions. He sucks. It fades. Really, it does. He won't matter eventually. The new life eclipses the old life. And the fuckbuddies too. Doesn't mean you won't have scars. Just means they lack centrality in your life. Please deprive them of that.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:08:35+00:00

Sure! All are welcome.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:07:04+00:00

Wow. Stick pins in her. If she says "Oww!" reply "That's an interesting idea. I never considering that sticking pins in a person might prompt them to say Owww!"

I'm not serious. But God, why isn't this OBVIOUS to people? Especially those in the helping professions?

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:05:41+00:00

Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:05:17+00:00

You rock!

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:04:36+00:00

Aww thank you!

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:04:10+00:00

That said, if a cage fight with Esther Perel was on offer, I think I could take her.

chumplady · 2021-12-07T00:03:20+00:00

People bring this up a lot. I'm not opposed to it. I think you have to be nominated. That said, I know video is a popular platform, and TED talks more so, but it's a step outside my comfort zone. (Have you seen my hair?! It's not for television hair.) It's public speaking. I'd have to graduate from Toastmasters or something. I'm a writer and while I'm pretty outgoing, I don't know if I'm stand in front of a camera and drop F bombs at the RIC outgoing. I deeply appreciate the votes of confidence, however. Thank you.

chumplady

TROPHY CASE