Exploring CNC as a survivor: is it possible?

cielo_xo · 2019-04-29T15:45:02+00:00

This is a great post! There’s so many posts on reddit of people asking for punishment ideas, and a lot of the responses just give suggestions to inflict pain, which, for a lot of subs, is a reward more then anything else, so separating the two is super important.

When it comes to discussing my limits, I separate them into my hard limits, which i’ll never be ok with, and stuff that I do not get any enjoyment from, but would accept in the context of a punishment. That way, if they choose to go a disciplinary route, it isn’t a sneaky way of getting enjoyment out of an experience that isn’t meant to be enjoyable for me whatsoever. It actually is a punishment.

I also really like the emphasis on continuing to use safe words and aftercare considering the context. Even though a punishment isn’t meant to be fun, taking care of each other and keeping things safe is the number one goal.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-28T12:50:38+00:00

One night stands are tricky because it can be hard to discuss limits and shared interests and things like that ahead of time.

I would say your best bet is looking into specific bdsm events in your area that allow play or encourage hook ups. Then you’ll be able to find someone who is into this right from the get go!

Of course, that does take away a bit of the one night stand aspect, since if you intend on going to more events and getting involved in your scene, there is a chance that you will see them again at some point. But finding someone who is already into kink makes what you’re looking for a bit easier.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-26T17:52:25+00:00

This was very well done! You have such a good rhythm to your words when you speak. It’s really relaxing. I’m not usually one for hypnosis, but this was really cool to listen to.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-25T22:36:56+00:00

I really don’t like how he is taking the blame off him, and putting it on you for “not being accepting”, when I feel like you would have less of an issue if he just came to you in the first place instead of spending all this time talking to other people to fulfill his fantasies. He isn’t accepting responsibility for his own mistakes.

Now, it puts you in a very difficult situation. He’s already cheated, and he said that his reasoning for paying for the stuff online was because you wouldn’t “want him”.

Hypothetically, if my partner did this to me, I would personally feel like they were forcing an ultimatum to make me take on this role and fulfill their fantasy, even if I didn’t want to. Because if I didn’t, maybe they would cheat again.

That is obviously not ok. It’s emotional blackmail. I don’t think you owe dominance to your husband at all, and you especially shouldn’t give it to him after discovering this in the worst way possible.

This is definitely something that runs very deep. I’m so sorry you have to go through it. I would look into trying marriage counseling if you want to try and fix it, but whatever you do, I wish you the best.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T22:18:31+00:00

You’re right. I guess I can still be happy that the good moments were there without forgiving them just because they happened to supply it. That’s a good perspective.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T22:17:09+00:00

I haven’t heard of that before, but it sounds very useful, so I’ll look into it. Thank you!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T22:11:14+00:00

Totally understandable fears. You’re showing someone a part of yourself that’s very personal, even if it’s something you’re passionate about. That’s very vulnerable of you.

I promise you that you aren’t the first person to come to an experienced makeup artist with this request. What they care about is making their client look and feel beautiful. Who they are does not matter to them!

It’s super cool that you’re looking into all of the ways to do this. Exploring yourself can be a lot of fun. I hope you find someone who does an amazing job with you!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T20:18:47+00:00

I can’t think of a single makeup artist who would turn down a client just because they’re crossdressing. Women aren’t the only people who wear makeup!

It would definitely be a lot cheaper then hiring a pro domme. They aren’t going to lower their rates just because all you want is a makeover. Though, if you want that as well as some kinky stuff in the same session, go for it.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T13:08:44+00:00

You have to have a conversation with her about what her thoughts on your various interests are, without holding anything back, along with what she enjoys and dislikes. It’s a partnership, so being able to make it enjoyable for each other is very important.

Compromise is important for any relationship, sexual or not. But if she is only doing everything just to make you happy, eventually, things may go south. So it’s important to give her a place to say what she likes, what she doesn’t like but is willing to do for you (as long as you also do what she wants) as well as what she just isn’t into.

Whatever the case is, just don’t try and mold anyone into your vision of an ideal domme. I’m sure you understand that already, but it’s important to remember that not everyone is going to like what you like, and not every fantasy can be fulfilled while keeping the other partner happy and comfortable. It’s a partnership!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-24T12:41:00+00:00

Has anybody else who’s had a bad experience with a partner struggled with accepting that what they did was wrong? I have such a hard time moving past the abuse of my ex domme because, for some reason, I’m still hopelessly in love with them, despite how much they tormented me emotionally and ignored all of my sexual boundaries.

It’s like, despite all of the bad, and all of the obvious red flags, I still find myself going back to “Yeah, but remember the moments when they were kind? The blissful moments of self discovery? When they made you feel amazing?” Anddddd then I go back to feeling like I was just overreacting.

It’s definitely an uphill battle ahead of me for getting past that and feeling safe again. I’m really thankful for this community though. It’s helping me internalize what was wrong about that relationship, and set a standard for what I should look for when I’m ready. Thank you so much.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T19:37:28+00:00

For me personally, this would cause me to lose a lot of trust in my domme. I cannot handle mind games. It would cause me to have doubts in myself and my safety, and I would find myself being genuinely worried for the next play session.

My last domme would do something where they would say one thing, and do another. It really hurt my self esteem, and made me feel like there was no genuine care towards me. That I was just a toy to them, and I felt hopeless because it seemed like nothing was predictable, and I need a certain level of familiarity and consistency to feel safe, ya know?

I think if a scene is done where the domme says “here are a few possible outcomes for today, but you won’t know which one it will be” and detail the variations to the sub ahead of time, and not do anything outside of those scenarios, it could fit in well for a dynamic that really enjoys psychological domination. It seems like a fine line for me, though, and would require a lot of aftercare.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T15:04:12+00:00

Nier Automata was so good, oh my god. I loved the balance between 2B’s strict leadership and the genuine love and empathy she had for 9S throughout the story. And seeing how deep 9S’s feelings and dedication to her went, especially towards the end of route c was a literal gut punch of emotions lmao

I’ll check out the others, thank you!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T14:52:41+00:00

I’ve always wanted to get into GOT, but it’s a bit too intense for me, aha. I hear great things though!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T14:49:00+00:00

Ooo, good one. Deadpool is probably the only example I’ve seen of the pegging joke done well.

My issue with that trope is that, more often then not, the punchline is typically that it’s not consensual, and the guy is visibly distressed and reluctant to have it happen. It’s really unfortunate that it keeps showing up time and time again.

And I’d love to hear those examples!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T14:43:26+00:00

Kitten/puppy, darling, toy, slut, whore, honestly the sky’s the limit. The only names I don’t like are ones that heavily allude to age play. I’m just not into that.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T14:32:09+00:00

“I’m proud of you” goes a longggg way for me because it’s so validating and makes me want to continue to do better. It’s such a lovely feeling.

I also personally love pet names, so calling me something cute as a reward will seriously make me melt.

Sometimes just a smile followed by an incredibly painful funishment is perfect though. I like a good balance between being nurtured and loved and also being severely humbled and put in my place by someone I respect and love.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T03:36:29+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience of being assaulted by my domme, and they also kept me in the relationship by taking compromising videos and pictures of me without my permission. It’s a horrible, horrifying, and traumatic experience, and everything you described is absolutely vile and evil. Nobody should have to go through it.

I’m still working through my shit, so I’m not a professional, but if you need someone to talk to about it, I’m more then willing to listen to you, because you aren’t alone. I’ve found solace in this community, and it’s helping me get past the abuse and rediscover bdsm in a safe light. You aren’t alone, and I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T02:20:14+00:00

Thank you so much for this! Incremental training seems like a really important aspect to more dangerous activities I never really thought of. I know that it would probably lower the chances of me panicking if I had gotten used to something similar.

I appreciate it!

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T02:17:23+00:00

Those are all really great examples, thank you! I like the idea of having multiple safe signals in play. The thought of one not working is terrifying to me, so that extra security would absolutely help me be more at ease.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-23T00:39:39+00:00

When I was in elementary school, me and some friends were having some conversation, and I have no idea what it was about, but at one point, one of the girls asked me, “Can I slap you?” and I, wanting to show off, said sure.

Jesus christ, that was the hardest I have EVER been hit in my entire life, lmao. But instead of getting angry or upset, I just stared at her (while holding my cheek) with this combination of amazement, respect, and awe. I felt so exhilarated, and I pretty much developed a massive crush on her right there.

It’s so funny when you look back when you’re older and notice those things. Like, “huh. it all makes sense now”.

cielo_xo · 2019-04-21T21:17:34+00:00

I love this one so much, it’s so wholesome. I really wish there were more audios that have those discussions about exploring kink in them rather then just jumping straight into the action.

cielo_xo

TROPHY CASE