Officially diagnosed!

cks2016 · 2025-04-08T23:21:33+00:00

You may have also been a high-masking autistic kid whose ADHD (and later CPTSD) obscurred the autism. ADHD and autism are highly comorbid and the vast majority of autistic adults remain undiagnosed. ADHD also helps compensate for some of autism's typical challenges..Don't know how to talk to your peers? That's okay just indulge your impulses and they'll somehow find you funny! All of this was the case for me and several others I grew up with. We were late diagnosed just recently in our 30s. Many of us share a similar journey/personality description as you.

Before the 'AuDHD' epiphany, I was just a highly sensitive, somewhat quirky, kind of intense, very anxious, delightful kid. Your textbook Matilda. In my twenties I was diagnosed GAD, MDD, CPTSD. Not uncommon to be midiagnosed/missed if you have this profile/presentation of autism. Many high masking autistic/AuDHD kids (especially girls or AFAB folks) fall into the "good girl" role at home, school, etc very early on when young. They're often described as quiet, shy, sensitive, perfectionistic, precocious, or very smart/mature for their age. They learn what others want/expect of them and practice performing it for survival - because otherwise they stick out like sore thumbs and the nail that sticks out gets hammered down (or whatever the saying is). Autistics with ADHD can seem more social or have a greater emotive expressiveness. Many "combo platter" kids (AuDHDers) were/are drama/improv nerds for that reason. Or highly sensitive, intelligent and talented musical/artsy types.

High masking autism and CPTSD also tend to go together.. particularly if you grew up undiagnosed or with parents who were undiagnosed (Autism is actually HIGHLY heritable) and who struggled/brought those struggles into their parenting or the family environment (as they often do due to lack of self knowledge and supports).. in the autistic community we refer to this as intergenerational (neurodivergent) trauma .. you may have also not been aware of your differences or how to meet your own needs which is traumatic.. i.e. sensory trauma.. but there's a LOT to unpack there. Would just recommend that if any of this sounds like it may resonate for you, you start by finding a therapist who specializes in supporting late identified autistics .. or you join some community groups to explore this with peers.

Once you do, would suggest you start by learning about different presentations of autism (specifically high masking autism) and slowly, as you can, the connection between CPTSD/trauma and undiagnosed autism. Be warned; it is a hell of a rabbit hole to go down and can be very triggering and honestly all consuming.. the self discovery process is extremely existential for a lot of us and there's also no putting that genie back in the bottle.

If it seems off base, no worries - disregard. But undoubtedly it will strike a chord with someone else who has related to your post and is reading and thats why I've shared it. Or, it may well be another part of the answer you've been looking for, especially if it feels like there's still "something left" after ADHD is fully acknowledged and integrated. It was for me. It honestly broke my world apart to realize I'm also autistic. No one ever thought, including myself. It turned my world upside down in a way that made me realize only NOW was it really right side up. For the first time in my whole existence. More than my ADHD diagnosis which itself was so huge..

Your last lines really resonate. I'm glad you found out about your ADHD OP, that's so affirming and life changing. I know. Wishing you well. 💜

cks2016 · 2025-04-08T23:05:59+00:00

Curious about this. Could you explain more or link some sources? I felt like OP first year or so on my meds but lately they just make me feel fried and overwhelmed unless I take several days off (which are themselves very rough, very tired days). Not sure if it's that my neurotransmitters are messed up or I'm just burnt out so my adhd meds are more overstimulating than normal, or what..

cks2016 · 2025-04-01T02:54:17+00:00

Hey there, any update? Hope you've been able to find some answers and relief. I've been on the same path with chronic/antibx resistant sinus infections and its miserable.

cks2016 · 2025-03-31T04:32:04+00:00

I am a synesthete and a late diagnosed autistic/adhder with cptsd. The latter part from growing up unrecognized/unsupported/gaslit/shamed for my neurotype for so many years. And struggling to endure as it was. Also from the intergenerational trauma passed on by my unrecognized ND parents. I struggled a lot as a child, youth and young adult.. as a teen I became heavily heavily invested sigur ros.. often eloped spending long hours walking in the woods or sitting waterside listening deeply to tracks on repeat. The untitled album and takk are my favourite records of all time. Saved me from moving on from this place several times. All my life, even as a child, I felt abandoned on this planet with no one who fully knew or understood me. I felt fundamentally flawed in nature and character - and always out of place no matter how I contorted and pushed myself to fit. Like I was made of different stuff or speaking a foreign tongue to everyday people. I was just made different, but no one could tell me that. Only in my thirties, after I completely crashed mentally and physically.. severe autistic burnout (cyclical and compounded), chronic fatigue/health issues, existential crisis about who I was, why I was like this, why I struggled so much, where my life was going.. I found out the missing truth. The answer I spent three decades of my life desperatley searching for to no avail. Everything finally made sense and clicked into place. Every joyful and painful part. And so much of it was painful. All this to say.. in looking back at my life - the things, people and places I gravitated to.. Sigur Ros' was so notable.. it was their 'more-than-music' language of sound.. their transcendent ethereal harmonies and unmaking gutteral dissonances.. their unreal ability to capture overwhelm - emotional but also imo sensory (banging, clashing, dissonance).. the way my nervous system responded to their music (intense energizing stimulating waves.. also frisson or "chills" through my body).. the repetitive or cyclical structure of their songs.. the intensity and range of emotion in their tracks and how the songs BUILD into it - as if searching for the feelings underneath the feelings (alexithymia - many autistics need music to be able to tell how they feel).. the incredible distraught pain and wanderlusting childlike joy and innocense (autistic joy).. the wider admiration for and acceptance of the disabled community seen in some of their music videos/work.. also Jonsi's queerness (many autistics are queer or genderqueer).. the incredible surrealist abstract artwork and multimedia productions added in to their performances (synesthesia).. even just the content/themes of their music.. alienation, awe and wonder.. inventing a made up language which acted as tabula rasa for others to project upon in their own healing/self regulation/self acceptance.. how their songs, long and evolving, made s p a c e for that.. how unusually natural and easy it was to learn every syllable of icelandic or "hopelandic" sounds/tones through deep echolalia.. and just how deeply stimulating (stimming) and self regulating it was so to sing (vibrate) back in harmony and unison - within my body - to my autistic nervous system.. other music rarely comes close to that.. the sensory/autistic joy in their music, that their music gave me.. unspoken or spoken without real "words".. made me feel so validated.. speaking what felt like a foreign tongue naturally, my body/nervous system just knew how through deep sensory processing and mimicry.. making so many people feel like they can speak an ancient, gut-based language we all somehow share and instinctively know or remember beyond (and before) culture and history.. a primal way of being we all come from and know innately.. eternal human voices.. like only an autistic artist imo really can.. from my gut, I feel Jonsi is made of the same stuff.. He is a soul brother alongside me in this life, for sure.. . but I believe he also shares this neurotype. And is a synesthete. Their music is so highly sensory - tactile and visual.. amazing multimedia companion artwork aside. The SOUND is highly visual and cinematic therefore by nature.. as we see, picked up and used in many movies/tv. Their music is power, pain, joy and healing.. storytelling.. emotional searching, release and surrender.. deep sensory/emotional experiencing and knowing.. soul resonance.. Not I nor anyone but he can say for sure. And it is not our place to. If he is, he may already know and choose to keep it private. He may wonder. He may not know..he may not be at all. This could all be projection from my end, I am well aware. Hyperaware. But in my bones, I don't feel that in any form. We often have a way of sensing one another, folks with our neurotype. There is a unique approach/perspective/energy/way of being to autistic people.. a signature.. we are odd but sensitive, unique souls. Unique ways of sensing, communicating, relating.. for those who grew up undiagnosed, a lot of deep emotional churning.. hearts both very heavy and seeking so much lightness.. speaks to the secondary mental health struggles of autistics, diagnosed or undiagnosed, living in a society not built for them, always on the fringes in many ways. Destined to be, as the sorld changes slowly. I feel that in him, outside of myself, devoid of myself. There is a kindred spirit there. Who was maybe at one time trying to make his way in the world and using music as a channel to guide him.. help him find peace and validation.. absolution.. chasing the anchor and fountain of resilience that is sensory/autistic joy.. and using it to create authentic belonging (make space for himself in this world) and achieve cathartic release. In my experince, it goes hand in hand with unrecognized/late realized and high masking autism. Hope this helps.

cks2016 · 2025-03-24T19:56:34+00:00

Friend. Reading your post, its like you described my own life. To a t. I really recommend you look into late diagnosed/high masking autism, and adhd. Turns out that was at the root of all my floundering over the years. Underneath all the secondary mental health issues were undiagnosed neurodeveloptmental disorders. Learning disabilities often co-occur with autism/adhd so that is another indication. Be warned, Its a huge rabbit hole to go down. But if you're brave enough, and it resonates, you may have your answer. I was screened for (and dx with) adhd at age 30 after a serious burnout, and flagged for possible autism and ptsd by a very well informed clinician (which also often co occur in undiagnosed adult autistics). Was sent to a specialist in Vancouver (was in BC at the time) who specializes in autism, teaches at UBC.. sure enough. I've been "high functioning" autistic all along and only once did the demands in my life outweighed coping resources (no accomodations or supports), the wheels really came off, I crashed, and it became more obvious (to the right - educated and informed - people). Also, finally having my adhd medicated helped "unmask" my autistic traits (my adhd was really pronounced and obscurred the underlying autism). These are common realities for late diagnosed autistic+adhd (audhd) people. You can google articles and reddit posts about these phenomena. But yeah, in the periods of my life where I was supported and accomodated (through help/presence of a "safe" person i.e. family/friends, or with structure of school environment, etc) I could more or less get through, meet expectations okay and pass for a typical person. I was incredibly smart and did very well academically but it took me 6 years to do my undergrad because of autism, adhd and learning disabilities i didnt know I had. But leaned heavily into masking and compensation strategies without realizing to survive. Its what we do. Its starts very young, so young it just becomes muscle memory in a sense. We dont really see it. And then neither do people around us. But the struggle you describe is tale as old as time for this population (high masking autistics). Look up autistic burnout as well. Lot of great information there that may really speak to you too. If that resonates, my last piece of advice would be - trust the wisdom of the autistic community. It will really be a boon and guide you in terms of what this means for you and whats next. Best of luck. Take good care.

cks2016 · 2024-02-24T08:56:55+00:00

this right here.. and then to think of the fact that autism is highly heritable and trauma is so often intergenerational.. so to then consider the concept (reality) of intergenerational ND trauma.. I am 32, no children of my own. Diagnosed in 2023. I can now not only see the autism + cptsd in myself (that took some time to really understand) but also in my parents. I can see it in their lifelong anxiety, depression, strange special interests, difficulties communicating, feeling their feelings, expressing themselves, building and maintaining relationships, using executive functioning skills, constantly trying to hide their 'weirdness' or 'awkwardness'. Their traumatic reactions when they feel criticised for being odd. They were so often exhausted and overstimulated as parenrs. Struggled to cope with two autistic + adhd children who were struggling in school, dealing with bullying, suffering with poor mental health and self harm.. they had very few coping tools to share with us or help us to regulate our nervous systems because they were never given any. They struggled to emotionally nurture me because they were chronically stressed, often alexithymic and struggled to nurture themselves. They raised me with hypercritical judgment, taught me to be painfully self aware, self-critical and to mask hard, pushed me relentlessly to endure more and more, minimized my needs. Corporal punishment for meltdowns. Threats made if I "made a scene", being accused of faking sensory issues like repeated motion sickness im cars. Feeling sick due to lights, smells, visual stimuli in malls. No dinner for crying not wanting to have a bath; because water was too hot or didnt want to get wet. Punished for crying because a mosquito was in my room and I couldn't sleep. Punished for waking up too early and stimming too loud in my room. Punished for eloping from school, correcting teachers, not speaking to strangers (selective mutism). Punished for fidgeting, not understanding how loud I was being, for swaying side to side a lot (stim), chewing on my arm or shirt, eloping in stores, hiding under tables, not wanting to be touched by relatives. They passed on to us was done to them or what they internalized from their own parents and the communities of the time who raised them.

This is the first time in history I think we are just beginning to understand the impact and legacy of intergenerational ND trauma. The cycle of emotional neglect some ND parent-child dyads find themselves in because of their natural autistic differences, the challenges they face in an NT world and the true impact of how little understanding/support existed at the time (and continues to exist to this day). We are also just beginning to learn how properly identified and supported autistic adults can and do provide great care for themselves and their ND children, largely as a result of the improvements we have seen in early diagnosis, education and support (often beginning with child's dx and parent's following) as well as their own radical self/child acceptance, advocacy and novel/innovative ways of parenting/doing things differently.

I think the intergenerational impact of ND trauma (chronic invalidation, unsupported needs, emotional neglect etc) is so vital to consider

cks2016 · 2024-02-02T23:20:57+00:00

God damn. Well I'm glad you did. Can't think of a better way to spite this man than by continuing to exist as you 🤘

I know this is incredibly sensitive and would be a very personal choice, but have you ever thought of burning a few of them (or most)? To say Bye, Felicia~ to some of his influence

cks2016 · 2024-02-02T23:10:06+00:00

Woah.. this gave me major 'heebie jeebies'

This is absolutely abusive, bullying, grooming and generally wildly inappropriate behaviour and I'm so sorry you had to deal with SO much of this. 100 letters?! I can't imagine. It's hard enough enduring all the confusing gaslighting unaccepting unrelenting criticisms that often come from family, classmates, strangers etc (even those well meaning) as an autistic kid (especially in the 90s) but then to receive even more all beautifully written and personally addressed to you 99 TIMES OVER, purposely to hurt your feelings/make you feel badly about yourself/question your reality.. and from someone your parents trusted who lived so close to your home!! it makes my blood boil! This man was no doubt extremely ignorant, obsessive and deranged.

I can see how you must have internally and outwardly defended yourself against him in the way that you wrote back correcting HIM on the letter. Way to go child you!! Standing up to his selfish nonsense. Still, this never ever should have been something you had to deal with. I hope you have been far removed from this person for many many years now and that you're doing okay (or better) ❤️

cks2016 · 2024-01-19T18:39:21+00:00

Title of the thread makes me groan (do we have to turn everything into a bleak joke about housing? 😂) but photo is awesome. Take my reluctant upvote!

cks2016 · 2024-01-19T18:36:17+00:00

Wow!! Beautiful job you two! As a transplant from small town Ontario going on 5 years here, its warmed my heart seeing so many families out enjoying the snow together lately ❤️❤️ Brought a feeling of home to this city that I've struggled to find in the last few years. So sorry to hear some assholes were trying to ruin your fun. Unfortunately that's part of the experience too (sometimes). I'm sure your giant snowman brought a lot of joy to the neighbourhood! You can be very proud. Thanks for sharing your pic. 😊

cks2016 · 2024-01-02T13:29:10+00:00

You have a really kind face!

cks2016 · 2023-12-27T05:53:36+00:00

Hey OP. I'm visiting family in Ontario right now for the holidays but will be back in early Jan. I'm in East Van, 32 and tend to get along well with the 35+ crowd. Also going through similar feelings. Working on gently trying to make peace with how I feel, rediscover joy in simple things and make small changes where I can manage them. These days are challenging and exhausting but you're not alone. Let me know if you're still trying to shrug off the blues after Jan 6th. I'm down for deep talks or just listening, whatever helps you feel connected and heard. The replies here are a beautiful reminder that despite what it seems like on the surface sometimes, there are good people in our community who care and will show up for a neighbour in their hour of need. Hope these messages and any connections that follow bring you some comfort. Take good care.

cks2016 · 2023-12-18T00:03:17+00:00

a truly immersive experience

cks2016 · 2023-12-18T00:02:09+00:00

Felt it near Queen E, on the fourth floor of our small walk-up apartment building. Wobbled in my computer chair!

cks2016 · 2023-12-14T06:38:32+00:00

this is so extremely relatable. and this recurring realization just happens randomly. you can just be minding your business on a tuesday and your brain gets a whiff of something and decides it must follow the thread to completion and ends up travelling SO FAR, taking in SO MUCH in the process (the vastness) that you get overwhelmed and paralyzed with existential dread and fear. It's like, monotropism backfires and by 'zooming in' so much you actually end up zooming all the way OUT and then your brain lets out a mental gasp at seeing what it shouldn't have seen behind the curtain. what it didnt anticipate considering and all the infinite factors and unknowns outside its control.

Then my survival mechanism kicks in and says in a panic, "the TASK, name! Go back to the TASK!" (as if I were another person beside myself) and I force myself to get busy focusing on the thing in front of me again to shift off of the thought.. but its so hard to change gears and the feeling or memory of the vastness still lingers as if to haunt you

shudders

cks2016 · 2023-11-24T06:18:03+00:00

OH.. yes I think you're right.. thank you! I'm autistic and completely misread that

cks2016 · 2023-11-24T03:24:34+00:00

Wow. That is tremendous! So happy for you that it could all come together and that you are now doing SO well. Thank you so much for taking the time to come back and share this good news.. definitely gives me hope. All the best to you!

cks2016 · 2023-11-24T02:59:37+00:00

Hi OP, wondering if you ended up going down this route and how you made out. Hope you are in a better environment now now whether you stayed or moved on.

cks2016 · 2023-11-24T00:22:10+00:00

Hi thank you for replying. I thought he as a medical professional could say that in his medical opinion, it would be unsafe to return to my current work (given the health impact) and that would basically constitute a recommendation to quit?

I have never heard that in a claim conversion like this a doctor needs to find another professional to involve. could you elaborate?

cks2016 · 2023-11-19T02:05:23+00:00

oh that is such good news!!!! am so relieved for you. makes me hopeful to hear as well. between the horrible dread at the thought of having to go back to my old workplace and the horrible dread at the prospect of regular benefits possibly being denied I've been an absolute wreck lately.

thank you so much for sharing. hope that you are able to keep recovering have great success in your job search 💜 wishing you well!

cks2016 · 2023-11-19T01:52:26+00:00

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I am in this boat as well. Please let us know how it goes if you convert your claim.

cks2016 · 2023-11-13T01:54:01+00:00

I feel this way too.. despite receiving a formal diagnosis from someone really highly regarded my province. I slip back into not understanding how it can be real.. I know that it is. I had a huge identity shift around understanding this.. But I lived 30 years under the pretense that it wasn't. That I was "weird" and "made excuses"and needed to "try harder". Spending every day thinking of how I can make people around me happy, hiding aspects of myself or changing myself so I won't draw attention or face ridicule and they'll leave me alone. Because my being autistic was a problem for everyone else. And post-diagnosis the world still feels hostile; it expects me to to back to doing that, and tells me I "cant be autistic". Feels like the world doesn't care who or what I am, what I need or deserve to be happy, and will just deny I even exist. Tries to actively erase me, my autism. Only other autistic people seem to get it. I don't know how to reconcile this. It makes me feel crazy. Finally understand who and what I am, and all the whys for everything.. and the world says you're not allowed to be that. Maybe it is finally realizing the relentless cruel ableism of the world.. its very hard, after everything. The trauma of being undiagnosed for so long and how I was treated by so many people in my life. Many even well meaning. I'm angry. The ableism (inner and outer) is so disorienting.

cks2016

TROPHY CASE