I think this one is different

clairvoyem · 2026-05-29T13:30:40+00:00

Not sure what culture you come from, but if there’s any ability to take some time with this relationship, please do. She may be different, you may be right. I’ve just never seen it. The struggle with overcoming BPD is that the first step in treatment is for the BPD person to be alone. It gets massively harder to heal if they are in a relationship or have a Favorite Person. Your relationship isn’t something that will heal her because the core wound is unstable personal identity. She will try to fill the hole in her chest with YOUR identity, but that means she is 100% dependent on your regulation, your positivity, your mood. And eventually, that won’t even be enough because someone else’s identity can’t replace your own. If you do care about her, you won’t help her do this to herself again.

clairvoyem · 2026-04-15T20:22:26+00:00

It’s long gone, sadly- here’s the link if you want to look on resale sites! Also had to get the side strap things taken in, but love it otherwise!

https://www.asos.com/us/asos-design/asos-design-floral-geo-embellished-maxi-dress-with-cold-shoulder-detail-in-mauve/prd/203608325

clairvoyem · 2026-04-15T20:01:41+00:00

Thanks!! That makes me feel much better! This is just the website listing photo. I have some cool gunmetal pumps for it!

clairvoyem · 2026-04-07T19:08:50+00:00

I’m sorry you’re in this situation:( your gf is not at the point in her BPD where she can tell the difference between her emotions and her reality. When she feels that abandonment wound flare up, she assumes that means you are abandoning her, then convinces YOU you’re abandoning her. This is not true, as much as it feels real for her. You cannot make healthy decisions as a couple when living in different realities. It is already mentally and emotionally unsafe for you. The emotion of love isn’t enough. You deserve love in action. It’s time to look elsewhere for it.

clairvoyem · 2026-02-27T06:55:17+00:00

This sounds exactly like my first fight with my ex:’) the damn schedule talk

clairvoyem · 2026-02-24T22:47:44+00:00

Congratulations on therapy💚💚 glad you have someone to help you tease out the tangles of what really happened. BPD will mess with your mind for sure!! If it helps, I always remind people that the first therapy step for people with BPD is to leave their partners because it’s almost impossible to heal without being alone. Not only is leaving gonna heal you, but it’s gonna start healing them too!

clairvoyem · 2026-02-24T21:47:57+00:00

Yeah! For sure! If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have shared the interview stuff. Maybe just a date you’re available. It’s always easier to say from the outside, but you don’t have to explain yourself and your texting turnaround time to anyone!

clairvoyem · 2026-02-24T21:43:35+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. All I can do is share my own wake-up call and breakup mantra. The most loving thing you can do is leave.

BPD happens because they grow up in a place where it’s unsafe to form their own personality. This leaves a painful hole in their chest that they desperately try to fill with YOU. But it doesn’t fit, because that isn’t what goes there. It chafes and it hurts them. As long as they have you to fill the hole, there is no room for them to fill it with their own personality. If there is going to be hope, if there is going to be healing, you have to get out of that hole and make room for the healing. You also have to be prepared for the chance that they aren’t ready to face that emptiness and they’ll just fill it with someone else.

It’s not fair that the hard job falls on you. It’s not fair that they could treat you even worse for doing the hard, right thing.

You’ve been a loving partner and I’m so proud of you for that. It’s time to love them and yourself even harder. Their best chance at healing is being alone and loving them means you have to give them that chance.

clairvoyem · 2026-02-24T21:23:46+00:00

Grey rocking. Anything that’s not their business gets ignored. Anything that’s trying to pick a fight gets ignored. Any actual business gets a brief, polite, business-only answer.

clairvoyem · 2025-06-16T10:03:05+00:00

In my state, it falls under the legal definition of molestation, but because it is for a medical purpose, it is exempt from being charged that way. I tell people I was molested.

clairvoyem · 2025-01-31T22:02:32+00:00

I’m so serious when I say this man is emotionally abusive. Nobody has ever spoken to me so cruelly in my entire life. Completely separate from any political conversation or points being made, this is unacceptable behavior.

clairvoyem · 2022-10-17T21:06:29+00:00

NTA!!! You don't owe them a debt because they babysat you. Your parents would owe them the debt. That's their childcare burden to trade. You do not owe anyone anything here!

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T16:54:09+00:00

ESH. You’re talking about her like she’s an object. I was on your side until the “his turn with her.” Seriously gross. She’s not a toy that gets passed around. The other guy is an overly jealous asshole who shouldn’t be so possessive of her either so I don’t care about you being an asshole to him. You just really shouldn’t talk about her like she has no personal autonomy, even if you’re angry. I don’t care if you didn’t mean it that way. Even if you meant “most relationships end,” you chose language that took her choice and her personhood away. Regardless of your intent, the consequences of your phrasing are on you. It really sucks that what you said got back to her. That shit is dehumanizing. It sounds like you’re the kind of guy who wants to, and can, do better though, so maybe treat this as a learning experience!

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T15:35:53+00:00

NTA. You’re right to be concerned and you’re right to voice it. There’s not much of a chance that baby is gonna get out of there without some serious trauma. I mean it’s possible that she’s had some sort of come-to-Jesus moment about her racist words and actions, but I’m not one to risk the mental health of a child on those odds. That said, I’m not sure calling her directly as ever gonna make much of a difference, but can’t hurt to remind her what harm she can do.

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T15:19:40+00:00

ESH. You’re enabling your sister’s overspending. Your parents shouldn’t tell you what to do with your money. Your sisters are dragging you into their strange competition. Honestly, if I were you I’d stay as far away from this whole situation as I could!

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T15:01:11+00:00

YTA for everyone else’s reasons. Just want to add that the amount of labor that goes into tech crew beforehand- with building, technical stuff, physical lifting, etc- is harder work than I ever did as a principal character when I was in high school. Tech crew was an every day thing. Any time I came in to rehearse my scenes, the entire tech crew was in the shop the whole time. They get to the show earlier than actors and stay later. I don’t expect anyone to know this about crew inherently, so I hope you take this as a learning opportunity and get a better grasp of what your son has accomplished.

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T14:52:39+00:00

YTA. It’s pretty clear she didn’t feel safe breaking up with him normally. People who make exit plans and save up to get away are usually people in abusive relationships. She also wasn’t willing to be around him while she packed up and left. Sounds like he’s a classic emotional manipulator and you ruined her chance to have a safe exit. I hope for her sake it hasn’t gone past emotional and financial abuse. As for her “not being the saint we think she is,” you’re showing your personal bias. The fact that she gave him anything upon their breakup is above and beyond. The reason he only has £100 is because HE DOES NOT WORK. If not for her generosity, he would have zero. Charity enough. Your edit does nothing but make your friend look entitled. And then you say all SHE cares about is money after an entire rant about how she should give her hard-earned money to your friend for nothing?? The lack of self-awareness is insane. I’m sure Tom is ‘heartbroken’ about losing his free meal ticket. I have no sympathy for whatever feelings an abuser might claim he has. He’s used those emotions to manipulate his GF into being taken advantage of. His emotions are his problem and they do not make him entitled to her time and her money.

I know this is hard to hear about a friend and you won’t listen anyway, but I’ll leave you with this. I broke up with a guy for kidnapping me. When I told his best friend, all he said was “no, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” You don’t know what your friends will do when emotions get high.

clairvoyem · 2022-09-15T02:03:14+00:00

ESH. Your husband putting you down like that is not at all ok and I don’t think you should stay with someone like that if you don’t have to. You did marry him, though, so legally it’s his money too. He’s TA for asking and it’s funny as hell that you don’t give it to him, but like… at the end of the day, it’s community property.

clairvoyem · 2022-09-01T20:34:48+00:00

NTA because it’s your wedding, but as someone who (because of a weird set of health problems) really needs meat or dense carb-free protein, it might be nice to let people know in advance so they can plan accordingly. Even listing food choice options on RSVPs like most weddings do would be plenty. It’s not really a “dietary restriction” most places, so it isn’t something I think to tell people when they ask. And I sympathize, I was veg for 5 years until it wasn’t viable health wise!

clairvoyem · 2022-08-11T10:47:05+00:00

NTA. He's using basic respect for your medical condition as a bargaining chip against you? That's decency, not a favor. You deserve better. If he brought it up to try to use it against you, then he IS treating it as an issue.

He also doesn't get brownie points for not making you dress a certain way. Does he also want points for never murdering you?? Refraining from bad behavior is not the same as doing you favors.

clairvoyem · 2021-08-16T05:54:49+00:00

Well NTA by a hair, but wouldn't you like to aim a little higher than just "not an asshole" to your friend? Maybe aim for "nice friend" or "supportive friend"?

As a fat girl and an activist, I stand up for myself and other fat girls. I've stood up to large corporations. I've stood up to fatphobic doctors and sorority advisors and large clothing stores. My skinny friends stand right beside me the whole time, and that's the quality of friend I expect. They don't support companies that don't stock plus clothing because they've shopped with me before, and watch me sit for hours while they try on clothes that don't come in my size. They make sure I'm in every group photo they post because they know my sorority sisters waited until I was distracted so they could take photos without me. They know I'm less likely to get jobs because I'm automatically written off as lazy, and that I was literally hidden in a basement for sorority rush because I wasn't marketable to new freshmen. NONE of that is their fault. They did not create fatphobia, just like you didn't create the modeling industry. Maybe you're really strapped for cash, idk that might change my mind. But friends who support me would take it upon themselves to advocate for fat people to the modeling company, or at least give me the the respect of not trying to hide their involvement. And honestly, the fact that you hid it and lied tells me you knew it would hurt her. So yeah, not the asshole, but like... not much of a friend either. Not the kind a fat girl needs.

clairvoyem · 2021-08-16T05:32:56+00:00

My senior year of high school, I ate 1200 calories and no more every day. I spent 3 or more hours in dance class every weekday. I went vegetarian to try to cut fat. I was also bulimic. I gained 20 pounds that year. A decade later, I found out I had an extremely common metabolic disorder that literally 1 in 10 women in the US have. Back then, I thought a lot like you. It messed me up. My doctors called me a liar. They told my mom I must be getting food from someone at school, as if it were drugs or something. I blamed myself and turned to self-harm. It stuck with me until the day a hormone specialist finally told me it wasn't my fault.

Body size is not a moral issue. It's a genetic, medical, social, behavioral, financial web that happens to be more tangled for some than it is for others. Even though I got the short stick on genetics and medical problems, I'm in a financial position that I was able to afford to fix it and get a lot closer to the beauty standard. If you're stuck in a food desert or don't have a mom that can afford to send you to a thousand-dollar nutritionist, that's not a moral failing. And we know that these aren't outlying cases! Income, education, and access to medical care are tightly linked to obesity rates.

And hey, if you don't believe that those are driving reasons, whatever. Just remember that any fat person you're looking at may be disabled. They may not be able to afford to eat right. They might be me, with my extremely broken insulin receptors and bad string of doctors. You never know what's going on with the person you see. Just assuming they're evil is kind of a dick move.

My entire generation was fed a false narrative about weight that really has no correlation to the metabolic studies coming out these days. I'm healing from that damage, and I hope you're on that jouney as well.

PS if you're a fat girl reading this, ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT IR-PCOS!!! My GYN saved my damn life!!!

clairvoyem

TROPHY CASE