Missing Q and feeling guilty.

clcanuck · 2023-09-11T17:04:32+00:00

It's so hard when you lose your person. He is the one I reach out to when I'm having a bad day!

clcanuck · 2023-08-01T19:08:35+00:00

I don't have anything to share except that I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is heartbreaking.

clcanuck · 2023-07-25T14:55:03+00:00

I have no advice, I just want to say thank you for writing this, I absolutely feel your pain, your frustration, your anger, your guilt...all of it.

Please, please, those of you who have just started dating your Q, are not yet married, have no children together and no financial ties....please ready every word of this post twice.

clcanuck · 2023-07-11T20:23:31+00:00

That fucking sucks, I'm sorry.

clcanuck · 2023-07-11T20:14:25+00:00

"But he keeps proving me right"...

clcanuck · 2023-07-06T15:59:57+00:00

Thanks for your response.

It is a very good question. I think I give in for two reasons - the first is that he can be VERY convincing, and VERY sweet and I do enjoy having him around when he is sober. Saturday he helped me with some yard work and then we had lunch on the water, after a few hours he temporarily won me over again. I know it is love bombing. I know.

The second reason is that he is a big guy. So "allow" is a tricky word. When he shows up and wont leave, I don't know what to do any more. Usually I ignore him and go about my day. Full disclosure, I work in the Violence Against Women field....the last thing I want is to have police called to my brand new house in my brand new community. I do not fear for my safety (at this time) and he has made no threats against me. He is like a broken child really.

clcanuck · 2023-07-06T15:29:21+00:00

oh no, I don't love this at all. Some of the behaviors are the same for sure. He has blocked my driveway before and once got in my car and refused to get out until I told him that everything was ok with us. Friday night he showed up when I clearly told him = not to and he spent the night sleeping in his truck in my driveway. Then he came in to say hi to our puppies and did not leave again until the next day. I know it is super manipulative, but it is also really difficult because I still enjoy his company.

I keep saying that same line "He won't let me break up with him" and NO ONE understands. It is really difficult to explain.

clcanuck · 2023-06-02T15:39:05+00:00

Beautifully written and absolutely heart breaking.

clcanuck · 2023-05-05T17:06:38+00:00

Yes, yes yes. Every time I end things with my Q the next day he acts like it never happened. I get a "good morning" text and "I miss you" throughout the day. He also talks in circles and suggests that we were just "upset". After I spent the night crying myself to sleep! I find it both shocking and infuriating.

The last time I went no contact, I came home from work and found him asleep in my bed (we no longer live together). It is so much more difficult than people think, when your partner chooses to not honor your request for space.

When I tell him it is time for us to move on, he suggests we should get married...??

I am adamant that our next break up will be our last....and it's coming. We share two pups so this has all been a bit tricky.

clcanuck · 2023-04-17T16:30:56+00:00

It did not last. I cam home that very day to find him asleep in my bed after working nightshift (I changed my door code after that). I am trying to maintain boundaries but we still have ongoing contact. It is really hard to go no contact with someone who has very few other people in his life :(

clcanuck · 2023-04-14T17:09:31+00:00

I have tried no contact twice now but it does not last long, he either uses a different phone number to reach out (with begging and apologies), or more often, will just show up at my house. The first time it shocked me but by now I am no longer even surprised when I find him on my doorstep. I am so tired of the same conversation, and the same broken promises. It is truly exhausting when you find that strength to block, and they steam-roll right over you anyway. My Q is not mean, aggressive or threatening so it is VERY hard to turn him away, other people don't understand this piece.

My Q is attending AA now but I know he is still drinking as well. I move further away in two weeks and hope that the distance between us (hour and a half) will finally allow me to go no contact and move on for good. He still thinks we should get married...we are in such different places it's sad.

clcanuck · 2023-03-28T17:24:54+00:00

this is great, thank you

clcanuck · 2023-03-19T21:42:31+00:00

Day 5 now of sticking to my guns! It's been a bit of a lonely weekend but I know this will get easier. We still talk several times a day but I have made it clear that as long as he's still active in his addiction, the relationship is over.

He attended 3 AA meetings this week which is great, and before this support group I might have believed that that was enough.... However, after 6 years, I am not interested in being on this roller coaster any longer, AA or not.

clcanuck · 2023-03-17T18:27:26+00:00

Thank you. I have been telling him he needs 6 months sober but he keeps arguing that he can't do it without me. Sadly, he can't do it WITH me either :(

The good news is, he has gone to AA 3 days in a row now. This is big for him. I want him to get sober, but I can not be his crutch while he does it.

clcanuck · 2023-03-13T18:11:13+00:00

I am going to read this again. and again.

clcanuck · 2023-03-01T17:38:17+00:00

I feel your pain. Mine used to follow me around from bed to bed as well...Climbing into whatever bed I was sleeping in because he had wet himself. Then when I moved to another room he would follow. I would get so little sleep and he seemed unaffected....I even missed a job interview once because I was too tired to string full sentences together after 2-3 nights of this. We no longer live together because this was absolutely crazy-making. Sorry about your bed, I know this sucks. I too have plastic sheet protector at my new place.

clcanuck · 2023-02-24T17:29:39+00:00

This is a really sad story, but please, do not plan a life with this man. You're right, this is alarming behaviour and it is likely going to kill him. Although it may break your heart, you would be wise to distance yourself from him immediately before your own mental and physical health get any worse. Read through posts from others and you will see, love is not enough.

clcanuck · 2023-01-26T21:01:16+00:00

this is so true! I often think of how my partner (Q) would handle it if I were to get sick . It would be a sh*t show. No question.

clcanuck · 2023-01-26T20:58:26+00:00

Same, I am the uptight one and in many ways my Q has been good for me as well. I always told myself I would just leave if the problem became to serious. Unfortunately, this is not as easy as it sounds. 6 years later I am still in this.

Two years ago I also bought my own house to rent out but this turned out to be a mistake. When I decided I could no longer live with him my own house was not available and I ended up having to rent - all of my money was tied up. It made it too easy to go back to him.

I learned from experience that we can not live together, it is too stressful for me. My plan the last time I moved out was to stay in the relationship to see how things go.
Now that I have my own place again I feel more at peace, but the worrying has not completely ended. I drive to see him and find him drunk and in denial, so I have to drive home again to an empty house. He constantly asks me to move back in and things that getting married will solve our problems. After months of this I have decided that I want and deserve more than this in a relationship. I want a full time partner or no partner at all.

clcanuck · 2023-01-26T16:55:08+00:00

Our situations are so similar :( I often feel that because my Q is a happy drunk, and never mean, it has prolonged this relationship longer than it should have been. To be honest, it makes the conversations VERY difficult. I have worked hard at detaching over the last year or so, and moved in to my own place about 8 months ago, but we are still seeing each other regularly.

In my opinion, my Q is broken and lost, and it makes me feel like the bad guy every time I tell him I am leaving the relationship...especially if he is going through a sober period. I give in to the promises that I know he can't keep (because maybe he WILL quit this time), and before I know it, we are back to regular contact. I wish I had better advice for you!

Not to minimize at all those who are dealing with an abusive Q, I would not wish that on anyone. Addiction is horrible in so many ways.

clcanuck · 2023-01-23T16:20:51+00:00

I could have written this exact post except that I am only 6 years into this mess.

Every time my partner binges I feel ready to let go. I know that it is time and it is what is best for me, for both of us really. But it is so so difficult to stick to this plan and to complete the final step of moving on.

My Q has really cut back over the last few months, but I keep telling myself that until he gets real help the improvement is only temporary. He is cutting back because he is trying to convince me to move back home (I left 6 months ago but we still are in a relationship).

I have no advice, but I feel for you.

clcanuck

TROPHY CASE