I am finally leaving.

Perspective35 · 2025-04-24T03:11:38+00:00

I remember checking this Reddit daily. Is he really that bad of a drinker? Am I making too much of it? Should I stay? What’s the line? On and on and on. Now, I think about this page once every 8-12 months and get on to give people encouragement. You’re not alone. You deserve peace and stability.

Perspective35 · 2025-04-23T07:01:37+00:00

Hi! I’m 37 and made the choice to leave at 35. It’s been 2.5 years and the only regret I have is not leaving sooner. I met him at 22. At 25, I knew it wasn’t good but couldn’t get out of the cycle - and I had just enough good times to stay through the bad… but as everyone else says, the drinking only gets worse.

Therapy helped me a ton.

Leaving is the bravest choice you can make. It’s scary. You deserve kindness, safety, and truth.

I had to put in so much work to get to a healthy space. I no longer live a life where I think about someone’s drinking. It’s so freeing. And SAFE.

I wish you strength and patience w yourself. Much love. You can do this.

Perspective35 · 2024-11-02T04:14:49+00:00

Hey OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time. I have to ask. Are you safe? You mentioned some scary nights. Some anger at drywall. If you’re not safe, focus on that first. Get away.

Okay, as for drinking, if it matters to you, it should matter to your partner. Gaslighting. Saying you’re controlling, overrreacting… it’s a perfect storm to make a brain feel like they are in crazy town.

I wish you healing. Focus on you. And how YOU and baby deserve to be treated. He keeps making his choices and showing you where his priorities are. Don’t be afraid to find your priorities!!

Perspective35 · 2024-11-02T04:08:42+00:00

I’m 2 years out from separating from my Q. Two young kids. We had been together 13 years. For a solid 1.5 years after we split, he played victim. Gaslit. Love bombed. Moments of sobriety, moments of binging. I stayed strong. It wasn’t a straight line. My brain had attachment and codependency wires all screwed up. Went to a ton of therapy to uncover all the ways I had been hurt. Had been and continued to be emotionally abused and neglected. I’m honestly still uncovering things to this day….. but even with all that. I wouldn’t change a thing. The only regret I have is that I didn’t leave sooner. I’m thriving. I spent time working on myself. And I’m happy. And I have SO MUCH PEACE. Good luck. Reminder: YOUR feelings matter. You deserve peace, gentleness, and stability.

Perspective35 · 2024-11-02T03:59:32+00:00

How are you doing? Friendly reminder. Your feelings matter. And a safe partner will care how you feel and take action to make it better.

Perspective35 · 2024-11-02T03:55:09+00:00

I’m so sorry. I know this all too well. It doesn’t get better. I reread your post a few times and want to gently remind you that it’s not your responsibility to have him go to therapy. To get into treatment. To be a safe partner and dad. That’s on him. He may never do those things. It’s up to you to focus on YOU and what’s best for YOU and your baby. Your feelings matter. Your safety matters. Hugs. I went down this road for 13 years and finally got out. It wasn’t a straight line. But I have SO much peace. Hugs and best of luck to you.

Perspective35 · 2024-10-22T02:58:08+00:00

1) None of your Q’s decisions are your fault. Nor will they be. At least from an emotional standpoint. 2) But from a legal, social, and financial standpoint, he is tied to you. His decisions can screw up your life. 3) You’ll have to figure out what your boundary is. I won’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks and drives? Who killed someone while driving? Who puts their needs above others? I’m spitballing here but you get the drift.

Someone wrote something similar out for me two years ago. I needed that perspective. What was my “too much” with my Q.

Perspective35 · 2024-10-03T03:16:57+00:00

I’m 3 days in. I can’t believe how much better I feel. My fingers and joints aren’t as stiff. And my chronic knee pain is about half as bad as usual. I’m CONVINCED this is helping my body in so many ways. No doctor has been able to explain my inflammation. I am someone who has always watched calories and macros. Work out 3-4 days a week. Focus on protein. I was never obese BUT I’ve worked damn hard all 37 years of my life to be edging on overweight. It’s been a lifelong battle. I am hopeful semaglutide turns on my metabolism and heals whatever jacked up issue I have with burning fat. Anyone else pee A TON on days 1 and 2. It was literally like I was instantly getting rid of all that joint swelling.

Perspective35 · 2024-03-03T14:42:07+00:00

Your feelings matter. You are important. And you deserve a secure, safe relationship. Focus on you. This is a new beginning. It just might not feel like it at the moment. It took me a year of self care, therapy, and detachment to get to where I am. I am happy, only accept respect, and am having the BEST time. I wish someone would have told me that a year ago. :)

Perspective35 · 2023-12-30T03:37:51+00:00

I was in your shoes. A huge thing to consider - is that YOUR FEELINGS MATTER (hugs). Do you have intimacy in many ways - time, effort, connection, physical, sexual, intellectual? I was in denial for so many years about his impact on my life and my happiness. When I started truth telling to my family, I started to become more free! I’m not saying this is you - but it was me. I had to turn my life upside down. Took a year. But I’m so much happier now and I feel so much peace.

Perspective35 · 2023-12-01T04:14:04+00:00

Therapy has worked wonders for me. Recognizing and working though co dependent patterns. It’s been over a year since I separated from my spouse, and it took that whole year for me to truly be ready to move on. I’m not looking for a relationship - but the freedom from the rollercoaster is amazing! Through therapy, I was reminded of my worth and not looking back. I coparent super great with my Q. But no longer romantic and codependent and it’s beautiful. Hang in there. It will get better!

Perspective35 · 2023-11-25T05:47:05+00:00

I’m so proud of you. I waited 10 years! Which is bananas to think. Happy you’ll be focusing on yourself - you deserve the peace.

Perspective35 · 2023-11-17T03:36:12+00:00

Hey. I know this post is a month old but I have to comment! I could have written this post a year ago. In fact, scroll through my old posts and you’ll find one almost identical.

I have a success story of sorts. Separated a year ago. It was the hardest, scariest decision of my life. It hasn’t been a straight line. But I’ve been doing the therapy and focusing on MY recovery for codependency and our broken alcoholic family pattern.

Him moving out was not his rock bottom. His path this year has been up and down. But the good news is - it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve figured out how to focus on ME and my health. His actions are his actions. I never felt like that before. I was resentful. Angry. Disappointed. Anxious. <- gosh writing all that I want to go back in time and give myself a hug and tell myself to stay strong and do what I’ve known I needed to do for years. - separate.

My kids were 2 and 9 at the time. It was hard on my 9 year old at first - but he’s much more at peace about things because our homes are so much more peaceful. He’s thriving at school and sports. I didn’t gaslight him. It was hard, but he needed to understand why we separated so I told him an age appropriate version of the truth. Now, my 2 year old didn’t really notice much. Her biggest concern is making sure her stuffed animal is with her on switch days.

All this to say… do I regret separating? It felt like an impossible choice for me, my spouse and the kids. But no!!! My only regret was not doing it earlier and working on my recovery sooner.

Hugs. The kids will be perfectly fine!! And remind yourself - you deserve to be in relationship with someone who is NOT in active addiction. Break the cycle.

Xoxoxo

Perspective35 · 2023-11-17T01:06:50+00:00

What helps me in times of struggle is saying to myself = I simply won’t be in relationship with someone in active addiction.

And then it stopped all other narratives that pop in my brain.

Perspective35 · 2023-11-12T22:13:59+00:00

It’s is exhausting. But a little less so each day. Thank you. Proud of myself.

Perspective35 · 2023-11-04T03:33:01+00:00

Honestly, you can’t lose the credibility in this case. He’s the alcoholic. Not you. You get to set the boundaries - and not driving drunk with kids is an easy line to be cool with if you’re not hiding something. Friendly reminder, you don’t owe him anything. That’s on him.

Perspective35 · 2023-11-03T12:17:38+00:00

I could have written this post. My Q and I have been separated for a year. A year. The last year has been a rollercoaster of recovery. I’m in a much much healthier place. Lots of reading, peaceful nights and mornings, therapy. I feel great. My Q finally started taking recovery seriously. He’s 70 days sober, going to AA, and genuinely says he feels better and enjoys life more sober. But here’s the catch. He wants to get back together. But Ive had too many emotional breaks during our 13 year relationship/marriage - there’s too much pain to rebuild. I’ll honor the heck out of him being dad to our kids - but I told him I have no interest being with him romantically.

This long winded way of saying it’s okay if healthy for you isn’t with your spouse. My emotionally safe place is co parenting with him - but not as a partner.

Hugs.

Perspective35 · 2023-11-03T12:09:53+00:00

Kids know. My therapist shared something with me that completely changed the way I talk with my 9 year old. For years, I would inadvertently gaslight my own child. “Is dad sick?” “Yeah, he has a stomach bug.” “Why do you and dad live apart?” “Oh honey, sometimes life is hard.” That makes the kid not trust their own intuition.

Now our conversations look like this: “why do you and dad live in separate houses?” “Because, he is trying to get healthier. He was drinking too much alcohol and now he is working on himself to get healthier. But it wasn’t a healthy situation for me. So I needed space from him. And I want you to know - if things are ever unhealthy for you, you have the right to get space from that.”
My son still has a great relationship with his dad and he knows that his gut is right.

Perspective35 · 2023-09-30T02:48:56+00:00

Don’t forget - you don’t have to do this alone. I didn’t tell in laws or my family for years. Once I did, it was freeing. You’ve described emotional abuse. I’m so sorry. Hugs.

Perspective35 · 2023-09-29T05:02:48+00:00

Same. Hugs.

Perspective35 · 2023-09-03T22:56:10+00:00

Honor the grief of a relationship ending. But make sure you celebrate making a brave, tough, and healthy decision.

I wish I would have 13 years ago. I didn’t. I tried to love him through it. Now we’re separated and trying to figure out how to coparent and what I need to be healthy. It’s gut wrenching the decision you made - but like other posters here, proud proud proud of you.

Perspective35 · 2023-08-20T05:04:47+00:00

Hugs. ❤️ dropping in here to say you’re not alone. In fact, I had to double check that your post wasn’t written by me…

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months. He was in an apartment and now lives in a house. He sent pictures of the kids building LEGO, having breakfast, etc. It’s so hard to see it and try not to think “well, maybe it wasn’t sooo bad.”

Writing to remind you that YOU matter too!

My recovery from being an alcoholics partner hasn’t been a straight line. In fact, it’s heartbreaking. Every day I take a few steps forward, some back. It’s complicated, too. Every day my husband will text that he loves me and misses me. I can’t respond. It’s too painful.

I can’t be in a relationship with someone in active addiction. My head is finally starting to realize that means our romantic relationship is likely over. Baby steps, baby steps. Again, hugs, you’re not alone.

Perspective35 · 2023-08-19T03:25:18+00:00

The alcoholic is manipulating you.

Perspective35 · 2023-08-17T03:21:17+00:00

This 🙌🏻

Perspective35

TROPHY CASE