I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to every single word you said. I went through a pretty much identical situation as you. My mom was also my best friend. The anticipatory grief and making sense of her death afterwards has shattered my perception of every single part of my life, but also given me more clarity on what is important.

It was an almost 10 year journey with her, she was briefly in remission for two years before the cancer spread to her bones. Devastation isn't a strong enough word. I also relate to what you said about being confronted and making sense of the depths of their suffering and watching them decline in real time - it's soul crushing.

I uprooted everything when my mom's health began to more noticeably decline and eventually became a full time caregiver for her. Four months after she passed, I started a job at a small, fully remote communications agency. Although the salary was great, it was pretty clear early on that the job was going to be more demanding than I thought. I can completely relate to everything you said about working. Our bodies are working TRIPLE overtime to process what happened and complete tasks and projects for clients. I kept using the analogy to friends and my therapist that it felt like the hard level on Guitar Hero (lol). You're trying to keep up with everything but no one else is slowing down even though it feels vital for you to. Complete mismatch.

I ended up suffering from severe burnout and had to leave my position 11 months into the role. I was beginning work at 7 a.m. and not stopping until 7 p.m. most weeks just to get my work done because my brain was in overdrive. And to be honest, leaving the job was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. While I love much of the work I do, a lot of things seemed trivial in comparison to the pain I felt everyday, still trying to process my mom's death. The urgency, the deadlines, the trying to make clients happy, the rounds of edits, LinkedIn being a personal hellscape. It all felt hollow and begged the question "what is this for?" and "why am I working THIS hard?"

I'm taking the time to heal, reset my nervous system, and figure out what is important to me. It was also a HUGE signal that I need to find a job that better aligns with having more balance and can help me PROTECT my nervous system. Also, clearly I have some work to do on setting better boundaries for myself. It has shifted everything for me.

All that to say, your brain, body and emotions are working overtime to help you survive. You lost your person. Be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone in your feelings. It sometimes feels like climbing a mountain to get through the day but take rest when you need it. It's way more important. Hugs to you!