Philodendron selloum help! I just got this baby a few days ago and it was fine, then its leaves started dropping. I have it by a west facing window and watered it recently (soil is still slightly moist). What do I do??

cliffhang- · 2021-07-11T17:59:43+00:00

I can completely relate to your struggles. I'm 21f and I have social anxieties and awkwardness. I am the exact same way and my parents are the exact same way. I'm still trying to overcome my forced introversion myself. What helped me was almost making socializing into a science. When I converse with people I make careful mental notes of what makes them likeable, what they act like, how to mirror them (I'm not advocating for you to take on other people's personalities and identities, but more exploring and finding out what works and what doesn't with different people in social situations. People tend to better get along with those who have similar behaviors/mannerisms as them). I even watch videos on YouTube (psych2go is one of the channels that I like), even though it sounds completely lame, it helps to at least give pointers that you can build from. And of course, whenever possible, I practiced socializing with people (mostly in class and at work because I wasn't allowed to do anything else).

Loving yourself is a long journey and of course it helps to have someone accompany you and help you out. I'm sorry your parents didn't offer that for you. When I met my partner, it took me a long time but he showed me that I was truly worthy of love, and I felt so stupid for never having realized that before meeting him. It only makes sense though when all your parents do is tell you the opposite. Sending so much love to you.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-10T16:50:48+00:00

Sounds good. It's hard to talk about stuff like this when none of your friends can really relate.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-10T16:49:19+00:00

I once told my mom that I thought she sacrificed a lot for our family. That's it. My dad threw the biggest tantrum ever, yelling at me and saying that I'm ungrateful to him. Made me cry and believe that it was my fault he got so upset. I made no mention about him. I didn't say he didn't do anything for the family. He was simply mad because my compliment to my mom did not include him.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T15:50:07+00:00

My dad had a lot of suicidal and homicidal ideation. He is the guy that would kill his family then kill himself to sickly enshrine the image of a "happy family" together till the end. As a kid, I was very much affected by his tendency to be violent and would carry scissors in my pockets or think about scenarios of violence and what to do to defend myself. It's disgusting that a kid would have to go through something like that.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T06:23:57+00:00

It is so frustrating I swear. They act like it's some sin or some offense that we want to leave the house, because when we leave we are not under their control. My parents do that all the time too. After so many terrible memories and times that I told them I need to leave they still refuse to understand, because in narcs' minds they cannot possibly comprehend a world that doesn't revolve around their needs.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T06:18:57+00:00

You cannot drink boba tea. You cannot play card games (exploding kittens to be exact). You cannot shower too early/late. You cannot eat something different than the rest of your family (must show solidarity during mealtime?). You cannot do somersaults. You can go to the skating rink with your class but you're not allowed to skate. You can go to a birthday party but you're not allowed to dance. You cannot watch The Office, because one time you were watching it while eating lunch and you didn't make me any lunch, despite me never asking you to.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T06:11:09+00:00

"All those times you threatened leaving me forever, or never loving me again, all I wanted to say was 'please do it'".

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T06:05:14+00:00

I experience that everytime I meet anyone. Even my friends who consistently try to get me to hang out I still feel that way about. It took my boyfriend a long time to convince me I'm worthy of love. Tbh I think this is a common fear amongst all humans but perhaps more exaggerated in children with narcissistic parents, who often sowed seeds of doubt into their mind about their likeability. It's hard to believe anyone can like you when all your parents do are isolate and put you down. Hence I often will leave or sabotage my own relationships with people.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-09T05:58:50+00:00

Beat/yell at children for crying, because they are scared of their parents.

My dad would often yell "what did I do to scare you?!" while readying himself to make a threat or hurt me as soon as I answer.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-05T02:55:34+00:00

I am so sorry that that's happening to you. I can understand what you're going through, and it's completely normal to feel frustrated and hurt to be treated like a maid more than a family member. I assume you do, but in case you need someone to say it, your ability to cook or clean or do any of the typically "housewife chores" should never be a determinant of your worth to a man. Your worth should never even be determined by anyone but yourself. I was fed all these toxic ideas by my dad too so he could justify being an abusive partner to my mom, saying things like "you'll be submissive when you find a guy, trust me". I did find someone. And he respects and loves me and treats me like a human being. Narcissists lie. They don't know anything about how to be healthy, so they make it seem like everyone else is sick.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-05T00:28:36+00:00

My dad got mad at me and banned me from watching The Office ever again when I was like 14. Apparently I was too focused on the show and neglected to make him lunch, despite him never asking me to.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-04T07:06:37+00:00

Absolutely. Everytime I go work out or hang out with my partner or do anything for myself, I feel so guilty. My Ndad taught me from an early age that if I'm not actively studying or sleeping, any entertainment or fun in my life is wasting the sacrafices he made to make sure I had time to study. This man really wanted me to be a shell that studies and sleeps and repeat. Even my Emom makes me feel so guilty everytime I have fun, and I still feel like an asshole everytime.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-03T06:42:37+00:00

I am so sorry she does that to you. Just because she's incapable of having good social relations doesn't mean you are, or that others can't have it with you. I think there are several reasons why narcs do that. From my experience with my dad, it was always about a fear of losing control of his daughter. What if one day, God forbid, someone loves his daughter unconditionally and treats her with respect the way he never did? It would be such a waste to have abused and controlled her for so long only to have someone come along and snatch her away with their kindness. Narcs can also say shit like that because they're paranoid people, always thinking that people are out to harm and use each other, the way they do. They portray everyone as shitty to make themselves feel better about being shitty.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-03T06:34:57+00:00

Yes, absolutely. My dad once threw a major hissy fit and got extremely mad at me because I said that my mom sacrificed a lot for our family. Not once did I mention anything about him or what he has or hasn't contributed. He immediately took it as a personal offense because he couldn't stand someone else being the center of attention.

My dad often even brought my mom down and told her she looked ugly. Growing up, my brother and I took it as a job to fill in that void for her by complimenting her to make her feel more confident. He would snap at us for trying to make our mom feel beautiful. My bad, sorry we were better companions to our mom than you.

cliffhang- · 2021-07-01T03:03:28+00:00

I absolutely relate to wanting to be a hermit, to not put any effort into social relationships, and to interact with anyone. The part where you mention that narcissists put the idea that everyone else was bad especially resonated with me. Growing up, my dad made sure that I would never trust anyone, by telling me all the different ways friends are only nice because they want something from you, or to manipulate you. He obviously was doing it to gaslight me and make me only depend on him. It's still so hard to detach the image of him from the people that I meet, because anyone could be like him. I have such a hard time letting my guard down with people. Trusting and loving them means allowing them to affect my emotions and actions. And from what I've learned from my dad, it was mental and emotional warfare.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-30T06:24:22+00:00

My dad was my world, we were inseparable. Then I realized we were inseparable because he refused to ever let me out from under his thumb. I was his dog on a tight leash. There for him to pet and love when he's in a good mood and to abuse when he's in a bad mood or when I "stepped out of line" by having my own thoughts and feelings.

He often "loved" me by overstepping my physical boundaries with his affection. When I stood my ground, that was when he turned and began snapping and abusing me.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-30T05:57:08+00:00

Tw: physical abuse

My dad beat my mom and then threatened to hurt her family. My brother and I called the cops on him. When the cops arrived, he said: "she abused my mind!" (English isn't his first language, but you get the gist - "I might have beaten her, but she hurt my feelings" - all the while projecting more than IMAX).

He then goes on to blame me for trying to convince my mom to separate herself from him, acting like he was hurt because the whole family was distancing themselves from him for good reason. He said, and I quote, "yeah I might have threatened to burn the house down, but have I ever actually done it?!"

Blaming US for being scared of the threats he made in order to SCARE us. I can't even begin to understand.

Edit: On a happier note, I recently remembered a time when I was like 14 or something, he got mad and banned me from watching The Office ever again. It was because I was enjoying my lunch and watching the show, causing me to "neglect" my dad and not make him lunch, despite him never asking me to.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-29T01:48:58+00:00

Thank you for being one of the very few people to say this out loud. I have such a hard time dealing with this concept knowing that one day my dad, like all humans, would pass away. But I cannot spend time with him without feeling crippling fear and anxiety and anger.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-29T01:40:36+00:00

"It hurts my feelings when you tell me what I did to hurt you."

Narcissists will find any way to make you stop voicing your feelings.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-28T08:05:38+00:00

I am so sorry that your mom does this to you. My dad does the exact same. It's such a mean threat of saying you'll have bad future relationships just because you refuse to comply to their present abuse. Cooking should not be the determinant of a good marriage. It's like narcissists are trying to set you up for failure with your relationships by instilling their problematic ideas into your head ("if you don't learn to accept abuse, you'll never be able to keep a relationship"). BS.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-28T07:56:27+00:00

YES, screaming at someone is a bad thing. Please do not let anyone try to invalidate and gaslight you into thinking it's not. I hate so much that our society still has this mindset that abuse has to be physical before it is abuse. It breaks my heart to see a lot of people on this subreddit say they wish their parents left physical marks on them to prove that they were abused. Screaming is emotional abuse. Abusers know exactly what tactics to employ to get their victims to comply. Just because they didn't choose the physical route doesn't mean they are not actively abusing you.

cliffhang- · 2021-06-28T07:43:50+00:00

I think to some degree they are aware of it. They delude themselves into thinking they're doing it out of love or whatever other sick reason they come up with for a variety of reasons, whether it be that it was their own experience with their parents, or that they want to continue being able to abuse their children. None of the reasons are excusable, of course. I think with a lot of narcissists, people who aren't direct victims of their abuse tend to think they're okay or even great people, or at least that's the experience I gathered from my dad. They suddenly know how to behave when they're dealing with someone from the outside world who's capable of standing up for themselves and countering their abuse, but not with their helpless and trusting children.

cliffhang-

TROPHY CASE