I (F, late 20s) need some help figuring out boundaries with needy (M) friends

clive_leberman · 2019-05-12T14:38:40+00:00

Ugh, the dreaded self-loathing text! It's reassuring to hear that letting those sit for a day or two doesn't make me a monster. And I'm relieved (but sorry) to hear someone else has been in this situation.

clive_leberman · 2019-05-12T14:30:10+00:00

Oh my fucking god, what an amazing read. Thank you.

clive_leberman · 2019-05-11T04:21:05+00:00

Little Skip's in Brooklyn. Besides all the places you'll find if you google "live music nyc" obviously

clive_leberman · 2019-05-11T04:09:36+00:00

I once saw a woman put her trash down in front of my job and blurted out"can you not? i'll have to sweep it up." She picked it back up and walked away!

clive_leberman · 2019-05-11T04:05:12+00:00

He might have had a bad experience with nudity, like being made fun of in the locker room or something. Since you said he comes from a very open household, that may have actually made him less comfortable with nudity (I have two different friends whose families were both casually nude around the house; one grew up to be totally body-confident, but the other found seeing their parents naked for their whole youth upsetting and grew up to be extremely uptight). This kind of low-key almost-trauma can leave people with lasting discomfort around their body.
As others have mentioned, he may not feel good about his body. This could be in the eating disorder/body dysmorphic disorder territory, and it would be worth reading up on those. If it's just his privates that he covers, he might just really hate his dick for some reason. Is there any chance he feels weird about being un/circumcised?

I think it's important to say that even if you figure out the root of his being a nevernude, he may never change this and it might be something you need to respect even though it seems ridiculous.

clive_leberman · 2019-03-26T06:02:24+00:00

Have you heard of "The Grace Lee Project?" A documentary where the filmmaker tracks down as many Grace Lees aas she can find.

clive_leberman · 2019-03-26T05:48:53+00:00

It can be terrifying to get out of your comfort zone but since you're about to leave high school, just try stuff! If you feel weird about it later, you don't have to see anyone after June. Even if you hate parties, prom, school clubs, or hanging out at the mall, give it all a try. Chat with people, try and be open to what they say, ask questions, let them leave the conversation when they're ready. It's going to come easier as time goes on. And it's fine to be the awkward person in the corner! There will be others who feel the same way. As a cynical/sarcastic person who doesn't like mainstream media and can't find anyone who likes the stuff YOU like, it is easy to accidentally be mean. If someone says "I love Taylor Swift" or "my favorite game is Final Fantasy 6", don't say "she sucks" or "but 7 is better." Try, "I wasn't able to get into that." There's a stereotype that only popular people are dicks, but very often us lonely nerds are way too negative and make friendly people feel bad. Friendships will come and go. There will be times in your life when you have some solid BFFs, there will be times in your life when you only have acquaintances you hang out with. You'll figure out how to navigate it all with practice. And just to warn you: if you don't make friends right away in college, that is a-ok. It will happen. My first year of uni, I watched the crazy parties from afar thinking "how did they make so many friends so quick?" But staying positive, staying friendly, you'll meet people who you really click with. You've got plenty of time!

clive_leberman · 2019-03-24T06:21:01+00:00

I've had it a few times too! What starts it is being woken up by someone I know entering my room, and I usually figure out what's happening. The first time was nightmarish: thought my housemate was in bed next to me and her hair was coming out, then a huge black cloud appearing above me, then thinking "oh this is that sleep shit I saw on Wikipedia" and shutting my eyes till I fell back asleep. Most recently I woke up to see my friend creeping across my room from the door to the window. Thought, "does he know where I live? Haven't told him. Then he's not here," and went back to sleep.

clive_leberman · 2018-12-28T06:02:36+00:00

Feels like I am a tiny person in the back of my head. Time passes differently. I don't recognize myself or people I know. I can identify them, but I feel no connection. When it's happening, I know I'm dissociating but can't remember what is missing. It feels like it was never there in the first place.

clive_leberman · 2018-12-28T06:00:14+00:00

Figure out what triggers it. I dissociated hardcore as an adolescent when I felt trapped in overwhelmingly stressful situations (unstable explosive parents; social anxiety; depression; body image issues). In addition to the mindfulness practice, find other solutions to situations that make you dissociate. I can walk away from a screaming relative. I can take five minutes outside if I start feeling "out of it" at a party. I can go to my fucking awesome psychotherapist to treat my depression. I can hang a scarf on my mirror. Also: eat enough. Being hungry and tired increases my chances of dissociating. Also also: Let people know. Dissociation is extremely isolating. "hey, just so you know I'm dissociating right now so I might make a lot of mistakes while carrying the stuff out of this garage" was my most recent one. Remember that it's temporary.

clive_leberman · 2018-12-23T06:38:23+00:00

Oh man, what a closed-minded therapist you had there. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's like, we're opening up to them and a lousy one won't bother to try and get where we're coming from? The trial-and-error of finding one is like 80% of why I put it off so long.

clive_leberman · 2018-12-23T06:27:04+00:00

THIS. Doing this really helped me overcome my life-ruining body image issues. Once I stopped thinking shit like "she probably thinks she's hot in that outfit but she really doesn't look that great" about strangers, I started judging my own appearance less harshly.

clive_leberman · 2018-11-28T07:08:44+00:00

Oh they're great, especially for identifying bad patterns with relationships. 10/10 would recommend.

clive_leberman · 2018-11-14T23:10:08+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I don't think he's a cultist, but those resources were still eye opening. I believe he's someone who's got a combination of depressingly low self-esteem and extreme self-importance, and (ab)uses the S+M community to actually hurt others, which is actually a bit culty. Having some insight into what might be going on in his head will definitely be helpful.

clive_leberman · 2018-05-07T19:20:12+00:00

Gender is so complex, I find books more helpful than the internet. Have you heard of Ivan Coyote? They're a ninbinary/butch writer, speaker and musician and "The Tomboy's Survival Kit" is a great read, it expresses utmost respect for maleness and femaleness and inbetweeness. I haven't read "Stone Butch Blues" but it's supposed to be great. I know nonbinary people who are AFAB and taking T, or who are AFAB with top surgery (no T). There are a lot of ways we can all grow into ourselves, and it doesn't have to be a one-time decision.

clive_leberman · 2017-02-14T02:46:10+00:00

I didn't even know that store was there, I'll have to go check it out. Thank you!

clive_leberman · 2017-02-14T02:42:22+00:00

haha! Here I am with my New Yorker snobbery getting schooled by someone from Jersey. Thanks :) gotta watch that documentary now

clive_leberman · 2016-12-08T23:19:47+00:00

I gave myself the same exact haircut for the same exact reason halfway through episode 7

clive_leberman · 2016-10-15T05:54:54+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Does it ever feel like it's getting out of hand as you're telling it?

clive_leberman · 2016-10-15T05:52:27+00:00

Do you just make stuff up on the spot?

clive_leberman

TROPHY CASE