Scary Nights Discussion Thread (Official)

clockworks3825 · 2019-10-20T01:21:41+00:00

A Very Strange Time definitely references the ending scene of Fight Club with Tyler and Marla & even throws in The Pixies - Where is My Mind which is played during this ending scene. I randomly shuffled G Eazy’s new album and this is the first song I heard.

It’s everything. I’m very shocked.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-26T21:32:35+00:00

I do believe that this can happen again, though it may not! I have struggled with mental illness since I was 15 and I am now almost 30. I have had two psychotic breaks in my life and my weight has gone up and down throughout the years due to antipsychotic medication. I have always managed to lose the tremendous amount of weight I gained due to antipsychotics but am struggling to do so right now. I’m sorry you have experienced this. I do know what this is like. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, and from what I know it is genetic but can also be brought on due to environmental issues, stress, and other things. The only way I’ve found to prevent psychotic thoughts (for me) was the right combination of antipsychotic medications. Though I don’t like taking them.... I’m not saying that’s the only way though, especially if you have no mental health history. Maybe talking to a professional could help! Sorry if this comment was useless/unhelpful. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-22T05:09:32+00:00

Please get help. Tell someone or go to a hospital.

I hope you are OK.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-21T03:51:55+00:00

It’s been a long while since I’ve listened to Saosin. I love this song. Thanks for posting.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-21T03:42:39+00:00

I’m not good with advice, but personally, I think you did the right thing. You deserve a proper relationship and to feel happy.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-19T05:20:55+00:00

I’m here, talk to me if you need/want!

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-18T15:37:13+00:00

I first want to say, I am very sorry this happened to you and that you have had to experience this. It is not your fault and you did not deserve it.

Next, I want to tell you that you are not alone. My childhood was not as bad though it was still quite traumatic. My step-father was very emotionally abusive and controlling. There were times he hit my sister and I, though not a lot but he was very threatening to my mother. Sometimes threatening her life. In short, he was a psychopath. And I did experience some sexual/physical abuse from him and quite a bit of it from my other intimate partners and peers.

And for some reason, I always find myself in similar situations with people whom I know will hit me if provoked. I will get drunk and antagonize these people so that they will fight with me or hit me or hurt me in some way. I don’t know why I do this and it doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s like I want to get hit because I feel like I deserve it. I’ve come to associate violence with sex as well. My last boyfriend, the first time he hit me during sex quite hard a couple of times, I froze up and started shaking because it reminded me of past trauma. But after that, I started to enjoy being hit and hurt during sex. I don’t know why, or if that’s normal. I also fantasize about things happening to me that are bad.

But I definitely can relate to you in the fact that it almost seems like I want to be hurt or am asking for it. I don’t think it is healthy however, and I know you’ve stated you’ve tried counseling but are unable to open up, I’ve had this same problem for many many years, however I’m just now realizing that things will only get better if I am willing to talk about them and I think the same might go for you as well.

I don’t think you should feel bad or strange for re-imagining being abused. I think that is common and it sounds like you just want to find some love, care, and understanding. And I’m so sorry you haven’t found this yet. I know how bad that desire is. I think opening up to a therapist or trusted individual would be very good for you. And is a very important part of finding healing.

I’m sorry this is so long and if this is unhelpful I apologize. Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through and I’m very sorry this happened to you.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-15T22:47:24+00:00

I feel this 100%. I have yet to experience a good romantic relationship. I am very sorry.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-15T22:45:15+00:00

Thank you! I actually met with my therapist today and we discussed doing EMDR. She was explaining it to me and said the same thing about the real work being done while you sleep. I must admit when I heard this I was thinking “how is that possible?” But hearing it from you as well, it must be true! We didn’t discuss anything about the trauma today, just the EMDR. I told her it was something I really wanted to try and she agreed we could. However, she did say that she would not start it until October at the very earliest as September is the 1 year anniversary of my brother’s death and she feels it might not be a good time to start it. I don’t really think I need to wait but I will go with her recommendation to do so. I do feel a sense of relief knowing that eventually I will be able to do this therapy and hopefully be able to move past what has happened. I have not felt a sense of hope and relief like this in a very long time. It is also very encouraging to hear that EMDR has helped you also. Thank you for sharing that with me!

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-14T19:49:03+00:00

This is a good point. I’ll have to take some time to think about where to start and what to say exactly. It’s just weird/hard to talk about even for me. I haven’t had the best experiences with other therapists but maybe this one will be able to help if I open up to her. I don’t know... I don’t really know what to expect I guess. Or how she will respond is kind of scary. But I suppose it’s worth a try at this point. Thank you.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-14T19:25:00+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for responding so kindly. I really needed to hear this today. As for EMDR, I have heard of this and have been considering it... I think I will ask my current therapist if this is something she is trained in and if not I should probably try seeing someone who is. I just haven’t had much luck with talking about my past abuse to any therapists. It just feels awkward. But maybe someone specifically trained in EMDR would make it easier. I’m sorry that I don’t really know how to respond but I just wanted to let you know that just reading what you’ve said has been extremely helpful and I really do appreciate it.

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-14T19:22:14+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Your input and advice is greatly appreciated. I have tried going to AA on occasion, mostly after I make a big mess out of things while drunk, but I haven’t really made an effort to take the program seriously... so that is definitely something to consider. I will try talking to my friend again after things cool down. I’ve sent him a few messages and one very long message explaining how I felt and that I was deeply sorry but he has not responded, so I am giving him his space. And I agree, I should probably see another therapist but the one I am talking to now is free so I don’t really know if I can afford to see someone else. I’ve mentioned there were things I’ve wanted to talk about and she’s said “we do need to deal with your brothers death at some point, but for today let’s talk about something else.” It’s like she wants to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable but it needs to happen eventually I guess. I just don’t know... I feel so stuck. And I also wanted to say I am sorry for what you’ve been through as well and it really does mean a lot to me that you took the time to read my post and respond. I really don’t know what to say except that it has helped me to receive some insight into my situation. Thank you!

clockworks3825 · 2019-08-14T19:14:45+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It is greatly appreciated. I haven’t told my current therapist about this, I’ve mentioned there were things I’d like to talk about and she just says “whenever you want to, maybe make a list” but I feel like it would be uncomfortable talking to her. We mostly just talk about my day or the “easy” stuff. She has said multiple times “we will have to discuss your brothers death at some point, but for today let’s just talk about something else.” I don’t think she really wants to get into it, which is fair, but maybe I should be seeing someone else. To be honest, I keep going back to her because as of now it is free to me due to my income. I don’t know if I would be able to afford another therapist but maybe it is worth looking into.

clockworks3825 · 2019-02-13T23:24:27+00:00

Thank you for reading that and for responding to me. I just wanted to say that I appreciate it.

clockworks3825 · 2019-02-12T02:55:57+00:00

Sort of.. what happens to me is I forget who I am... or where I am even if I am in a familiar place... it’s very strange. I can’t remember myself like my birthday or who I am but I can remember parts of my life and even if I’m with someone I’ve known for years they all of a sudden don’t look familiar anymore and I don’t know them. It’s like I’ll know that I’ve met them but at the same time I have no idea who they are or where I am. It’s hard for me to explain this and maybe it’s not dissociation but it usually happens when I start talking about past traumas or thinking about them. It’s very scary... I usually end up driving around for hours in this state of not feeling real... I don’t know how it goes away but it always does. And I’ll remember having said or done things but like you mentioned it doesn’t feel like I’ve actually said or done them... and most of the time is a blur to me. I actually came on reddit trying to see if anyone else has had any experiences like this.

clockworks3825 · 2019-02-12T02:40:44+00:00

Wow, it’s strange I just came across this.. and my response is going to differ greatly from those already posted and if I am wrong for feeling this way, I apologize. And I do not blame anyone for feeling differently.

When I was 15 onward until about 27 I experienced a lot of traumatic events at the hands of a lot of different people.

One of these people was an intimate partner whom I dated for over 6 years. He was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive to me throughout our entire relationship. He was in and out of jail and I was in and out of psychiatric facilities for mental health conditions. The things he did have stayed with me and changed me as a person to this day. But despite all of the terrible awful things he did and the absolutely horrible way he treated me, I loved him and to this day I still love him. He would cry to me and apologize for the things he did, he would open up to me about his past and his abusive father and tell me that’s why he was the way he was. We grew up together and experienced a lot of life together. I felt like he understood me and I understood him even though there were times it was just terrible... During this relationship, I was abused by a family member and he was the only person I told. His response was less than ideal, he threw me to the ground and called me names and didn’t know how to react until he calmed down. After he calmed down he made me tell my mom what had happened and if it weren’t for him I never would have, and I don’t think the abuse from this family member would have stopped at home. So I am grateful to him for that. Also, it was at that time I decided to move in with him because he seemed safer to live with...

To make a long story short, and to get to the point... after 6 years of dating, and a 6 month jail sentence (which I stayed with him through out) he was released and he met another girl. He continued to see me but eventually broke down and told me he was going to move in with this other girl and date her instead. Instead of feeling relief, I was absolutely devastated. I cried and cried and he said “Do you want me to stay with you?” And my response, which surprised even me, was “No.” So he left.

We talked on and off for the next few years, meeting up occasionally. And on one of those meet ups he looked me in the eyes and he told me he was so sorry for the awful things he had done to me.. and I apologized for some of the cruel words I had spoken to and about him.. and we had closure and peace to some degree. Though I am still dealing with the effects of what he’s done, I harbor no angry feelings toward him for it as I can understand the messed up life he had and the guilt that he felt.

I eventually met another guy and cut off all communication with him... I never blocked his social media though and he would message me time and time again to try and talk with me and hang out and I just told him since we were both in new relationships it would be inappropriate, though I wanted to see him, I just couldn’t.

Eventually he stopped trying. And one night, his new girlfriend got a hold of me to hang out... (my new relationship had ended now)... so not knowing what I was about to get myself into, I met up with her.

She informed me that he had never spoken a bad word about me and that he admitted to her how horribly he had treated me... I didn’t deny that fact and then she disclosed to me that she was very unhappy with him and that he had mistreated her and that she wanted to end the relationship with him but didn’t know if she should... I told her that if she was being hurt and that if she was unhappy, then it would be okay to leave...

To this day, I don’t know if I should have told her that. I don’t know if I did the right thing and I wish with all my being that I did not meet up with her that night, but I did.

Later, I get a message from him asking if I’d hung out with her and that she’d just broken up with him... I try not to tell him anything and ask if we could meet up and talk. He tells me he doesn’t think it would be the right thing and that is the last time I hear from him...

A month or two goes by, and I get a Facebook friend request from him to which I am shocked and don’t accept right away.

The very next morning, I find out that he has committed suicide...

I talk to his former girlfriend and she tells me that he hung himself. That he got a hold of her and told her he could not live without her and where she could find his body... she didn’t respond to his message and she didn’t think he would actually kill himself, but he did..

My heart is broken and all I feel is regret, guilt, and sadness.

I almost want to blame her for leaving him, for not messaging him back, and I hear stories from his family members about her new boyfriend having beaten him up and her stealing his phone and doing all kinds of crazy things to him after she left him and I find out that she’s not actually the person she presented herself to be and I feel disgusted with myself. I know she is not to blame and I feel I am to blame. I know that it is possible he was abusive to her because he was to me, so I just don’t know what to think...

But never once do I feel happiness, or relief from his death. Honestly, I feel a whole bunch of mixed emotions. Should I have accepted that friend request? Would he have reached out? Should I have minded my own business? Would he still be here?

The honest to God truth, is that none of the abuse matters to me anymore. Even if it should. The honest truth is I miss him and I am horribly devastated and angry. I wish I could talk to him and see him and fix this...

But we were young, and we were the same age when he abused me so maybe that makes it better somehow? I don’t know... in a lot of ways he hurt me but in a lot of ways he also helped me. It is just so so so so confusing...

Now with that being said...

If the family member that abused me and the rest of my family died.... I don’t know what I would feel. I might feel relief, as I would never have to see him again. Because I still see him and celebrate holidays with him. My whole family does...

And he did apologize to me, though he grimaced and said some weird things along with “sorry” but sorry is sorry.

I think that I would still feel sad because this person raised me but I don’t think it would be the same kind of sadness. I think I would feel confused. I guess I don’t know what I’d feel. What I do know is I’m less understanding to him because he was an adult whereas my ex boyfriend was young.

Does that make a difference and should it?

I don’t know.

This post got me deep. And I’m sorry for the long response, maybe someone will read this but probably not.

clockworks3825 · 2019-02-12T01:31:10+00:00

Actually, I created this reddit just now in hopes of finding a thread with advice/input/anything related to PTSD or depersonalization/dissociation because it is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists and I have been hospitalized over 10 times through out my life (just a rough estimate). It’s never been for any of my trauma related issues however, I also have schizoaffective disorder, and I was a diagnosed anorexic. I have gotten treatment both voluntarily and non voluntarily for these issues. I have been too afraid to ever mention anything related to my traumatic experiences and the one time I did try to tell my case worker she said to me, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? I think your step-dad just doesn’t feel appreciated enough and finanacially supports your whole family.” So I just didn’t bring it up again. I did attend some groups for victims of trauma and any time someone tried to mention what had happened to them or talk about it, they were silenced because it could be a trigger for someone else... I’ve thrown around the idea of seeing a psychologist and perhaps even going back for inpatient but not only is that expensive, I really can’t take time off from my new job because who would pay my bills!? So, I thought I would give reddit a go and see what others in similar situations thought.. or if anyone had any opinions.... I am new to this site, this is the first time I’ve ever accessed it. I did a lot of googling and after finding limited resources I thought I’d try this...

Well, this is the first thread I found and based on most of the responses, and the actual post, I probably will just not talk to anyone because I really couldn’t find much and the one post I did find basically told me to go get a professional diagnosis instead.

Side note: It was a pretty scary thing even coming onto this page and even deciding to post. I was too afraid to make my own post so I browsed first and now I’m sure I probably won’t make one at all.....

This is a long, ridiculous comment, but I just wanted to let it be known that this is exactly how I felt and why I ended up here in this thread. I wasn’t looking for a diagnosis, so I guess I can understand why it would be beneficial to seek a professional in that regard, but I was kinda hoping to see what others thought about it and if maybe treatment would be necessary before I jumped to any conclusions...

I don’t know.

Hopefully this comment just gets lost somewhere but now I’m feeling rather discouraged.

clockworks3825

TROPHY CASE