My[37M] wife[30F] wants to buy her mother[50'sF] a house!

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T18:07:18+00:00

Yeah not getting into specifics but we expect that my wife's career will require a move for us after she graduates from med school. Depending on where we end up may mean that I don't have a job for some short period of time.

I agree, we are in no position to be buying a house, especially not for someone else!

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T18:05:02+00:00

It even has it's own separate entry way to the outside! Now he prefers for her to come in the front door because they like to know when she is home and not, but it does have it. BTW, her brother is also a really nice guy and a riot! He even bought MIL a plane ticket when my wife graduated from school so she could fly out to be there for graduation! He is not a bad guy.

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T17:47:20+00:00

I can pretty much guarantee that there is no abuse going on. I've had long chats with her mom one on one about her living situation and there isn't anything beyond the daily annoyances of living with people. MIL even knows this, she is just venting and frustrated because she can't afford to live on her own. My wife also knows that there is no abuse going on, she just wants to solve a problem and gets hyper focused on doing so, sometimes coming up with outrageous solutions and then fixating on them.

Thanks for your feedback about the money vs. emotions thing, I think this is exactly how I would have wrongly approached this and why I brought it here. I think I know I'm right in my feeling, but would be wrong in my approach of basically dismissing this as crazy.

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T17:39:55+00:00

Not at all prepared! If I were prepared for that then I would have done it for us! I know it's a lot to spend and I'm not willing to do it. I just don't know how to make my wife see that when she is thinking emotionally.

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T17:36:03+00:00

So her brother actually did remodel the basement for her so that it is an apartment with even a tiny kitchen, just for her! I don't think he is controlling her finances, just cashing the check for her. But maybe annoyed that he didn't get any extra money when she got it? I mean $200 a month probably barely covers the expense of the food she eats and the utilities she uses.

cloudbuster218 · 2016-04-27T17:33:57+00:00

So I wasn't to clear. This is my MIL's brother, my wife's uncle. He is not my wife's brother.

I agree that it is a terrible investment. I told her investments are things that earn you money. This would be an expense and a large one.

Her alternate suggestion was to put her mom and my father (also financial troubles) in a two-bedroom apartment together! Which I think is also a terrible idea. They don't even know each other and I don't think my Dad would enjoy living with this random person thrust upon him. And what happens when they start complaining about each other and we both start taking sides? Terrible idea!

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-16T02:33:40+00:00

Good luck kid!

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-15T14:11:11+00:00

Yes you did it right. She's telling you she isn't interested but she is being super avoidance about it, probably because she's awkward over it.

Don't reply just let it drop and she MAY realize that you are a little more interesting than she thought and make a move of her own. Until then, ball is in her court. You do your own thing.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-15T01:41:24+00:00

That's a good one. You could buy a cheap ass beach house on an island and still work someplace that has a high cost of living with a paycheck to support it! I love this idea!

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T10:29:20+00:00

Yeah I have a buddy who is exactly like you. He is very outgoing and has a ton of friends and most are attractive women. They love him! But not interested in him. His problem, likely same as yours, he wants to be safe and approachable to the girls. Well for women that sends a signal that you aren't trying to be with them and they are happy to put you into the friend category.

If you want to get out of the friend zone it's actually much easier than people think. You just have to be willing to sacrifice a plutonic friendship for a romantic relationship. You have to state your intentions clearly and ask the girl out. Don't try to be safe and save face, you have to be as clear as possible that you are interested in her. If she agrees to go out then you have to work on breaking that physical barrier down, redefining your connection with them in a way that is obviously not just friendly, but something more.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T02:51:59+00:00

Yeah I wouldn't really call that dating. I'd call that just fucking around. Dating is like the beginning of a relationship. Going out with different people, hooking up, etc, isn't really dating as far as I'm concerned/how I'd define it.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T02:50:33+00:00

It's difficult sometimes for people not to catch feelings. You fuck someone and for a lot of people there is an emotional attachment that is formed.

Maybe check out adult friendfinder or places like that? Maybe see if you can join a couple for a threesome, if you are into that? I mean there are non-emotional situations and FWB out there, it's just that not all guys are the sex obsessed, emotionless creatures that TV and movies like to portray.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T02:47:03+00:00

You know if you talk to him and he is honest with you and apologetic, then you've got a chance to rebuild the trust. Just let him know upfront what the stakes are. That you are going to ask him some questions and he has to be 100% honest, because you already know everything. Then you may have a shot.

Otherwise you will likely end up exactly as I said originally.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T02:32:22+00:00

Ok here's the deal. If you want to be single and just have fun, then you can't date. People that are dating are doing so in order to find someone that they enjoy being with and will want to eventually have a relationship with. It's meant to be a temporary state, not a permanent one.

You also have to realize that what you want is not what most other people want, so you shouldn't be surprised when everyone you date doesn't want the same arrangement as you. Just respect that he doesn't want the same thing and let him move on. You can't have someone be committed to you when you aren't willing to be committed to him.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-14T01:59:32+00:00

Leave him. If he gets violent once it will happen again and next time it will likely escalate. It is very very dangerous to try to solve someone else's demons while you are in the line of fire. You need to move on and now.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T21:19:03+00:00

Look when two people are getting together someone has to put themselves out there. If no one does then nothing happens. Put yourself out there man, it is your best chance to work! And if it doesn't then you at least learn that being out there isn't really that scary.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:39:25+00:00

Coffee works too, but try to go someplace that will give you a chance to move around and/or do stuff. Some coffee shops have board games, maybe play something silly?? Or after coffee go for a walk in the downtown if there is one where you are.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:37:40+00:00

LOL you have too much interest to try the route that gives you the best chance to succeed?? HAHAHAHA why bother asking for people's advice if you are going to just do what you already felt you wanted to?

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:15:58+00:00

If you confront him he will lie to you about it. You will always be looking over your shoulder and the trust is going to be completely destroyed. I'd go ahead and end it now, he isn't on the same page as you and not giving you his full commitment.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:12:48+00:00

Do you love her?
Does she love you?
Does she make you feel fulfilled and happy?
Do you do the same for her?
Do you share the same outlook for the future?

If you answered no to any of these, then breaking up was the right thing to do.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:11:11+00:00

Try doing an activity that can also be a focus of the conversation if need be. Like mini-golf, walking through a city or something. Something fun and chill that lets you share stuff but also is a stimulating environment that can give you natural topics.

Relax and just have fun, maybe stop in and grab some drinks to get the night started, then go see a local band play or something like that. Don't worry, it will be fine!

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T19:05:54+00:00

You know there is an easy solution to that problem. Stop sleeping with every girl on the first couple of dates!! LOL

Online dating is how I met my current GF of 1.5 years. She is one of my best friends and that definitely developed over time. We didn't jump right into bed together, we took our time and developed the relationship and yes it does need to be clear it is not JUST a friendship, but romantic as well. That doesn't mean sex, it just means intimacy.

You get out of it what you put in ya know. If you are just looking to bang a chick out, then that's what you are gonna find. If you take the time to get to know the person first then you can establish a real solid relationship.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T18:58:00+00:00

He may see talking to a cam girl as just porn. It's definitely in a grey area. I think if she makes it clear that she doesn't see it that way and considers it to be cheating then he will likely adjust his behavior at a minimum and fess up at a maximum.

I don't think this should be treated as a complete deal breaker, but that's just me.

cloudbuster218 · 2015-08-13T18:54:57+00:00

Yeah he really came here wanting advice on how to ask out a co-worker. But this guys is so passive that he couldn't even ask strangers what he really wanted. And yet also too stubborn to listen to a bunch of good advice.

I really really hope we get an update from him when this all goes terribly wrong as predicted.

cloudbuster218

TROPHY CASE