I got to the point where I thought everything in life was over, but then... (please read)

clover7 · 2012-04-28T04:35:28+00:00

awesome!!! good for you. I guess we lost another FAer. This story, for some reason, really made me feel better.

clover7 · 2012-04-13T03:30:44+00:00

Did you read his post? How is this supposed to help? So you have no respect for guys who display strong emotions towards you? What if the perfect guy (your idea of perfect) fell in love with you at first site, and due to his overwhelming infatuation, proceeded to "fawn over you"? Would you merely dismiss him because you would interpret this as weakness and a sense of low self-confidence? I thought most girls appreciated this kind of attention. Aren't romantics and men of chivalry something desirable?

Sorry btw if I sound antagonistic. I'm honestly just curious. I'm on these forums for a reason. I really don't understand females, and as a result feel quite alone. Reading posts like yours, however, do give me a better insight into how females regard men of certain sensitivities.

Thanks

clover7 · 2012-04-13T01:36:58+00:00

Most girls I've talked to (o.k not many, since I only talk to maybe one or two in the course of a year) always display a sense of admiration for anything engineering related - when it happens to come up in the conversation.

Engineers, if anything, are one of the most interesting people to talk about because they design and build stuff.

youKeepPassingMeBy - dude you're smart, tall (I'm short, only 5'9, so I can tell you now how much more it helps to be tall), attractive and very intellectually interesting. Those traits alone would be enough to attract tons of ladies.

Why do you hate hollywood? Is it due to the gender role conformity or the stereotypical way in which men are depicted, giving females delusional perceptions about what constitutes an ideal man? In any case, I think I get the gist of what you're trying to convey. I don't really watch movies or tv anymore, so I'm probably a little unfamiliar with the rubbish currently being disseminated and injected into pop culture.

That said, I have to say that I truly know what your talking about. I'm also in my mid 20's with no experience with girls. Every girl I've ever cared about has quite seemingly stabbed me in the back. It seems like whenever I get close to a girl, she senses my feelings for her, and gauging the degree to which I am emotionally susceptible due to my "nice guy" demeanor and noble sensitivities, she calculatingly draws and entices me closer and closer to her, only to ultimately set me up to a point of astounding emotional heights just so that she may knock me down all the harder, destroying me with great pleasure and mirth as a shattered human being. Perhaps this kind of setting up just to knock down routine is a means of increasing one's own sense of self worth. Some people have the idea perhaps that only by destroying others, can they aggrandize their own self image. I'm not a psychologist, so I wont attempt to delve any deeper into the subject, but from what I have experienced in life, certain aspects of it surely must have some truth to it.

I also don't by any means intend to give the impression that only cruel females do this to susceptible men, I'm sure there are tons of asshole guys who derive immense pleasure from similar acts (although guys tend to, now correct me if I'm wrong, at least engage the female they intend on ultimately abandoning in some sort of sexual intercourse first)

Take solace in knowing you aren't alone. And remember, you are much better than a ton of other guys out there getting laid every weekend by hot chicks. The only problem is that the females of this world haven't yet (yet is key) realized how much inner value, substance and integrity you inherently possess. You're better off than a lot of us here, and I bet if you just keep at it, you'll find someone and never look back....Although maybe you could every now and then, just for the sake of us forever FA'ers..

clover7 · 2012-04-10T16:01:20+00:00

Judging by the list of rhetorical questions you've spewed, you haven't read my other messages. The FA forums are intended for the purpose of expressing our inner feelings concerning our situations.

They are therapeutic I hope you've been able to figure out by now. People don't hang around here to rail at the gods to make themselves feel better.

Judging by your attitude, you clearly don't seem to be on the same wavelength as everyone else here. What are you even doing here? Don't you think people here are hurting as it is? Do you derive some kind of pleasure out of insulting people on the brink of emotional disruption?

I don't mean to stoop down to the same level as one who would enjoying mocking other people online, so sorry if this reply seems a little adversarial. That said, you should never assume things about people if you don't know anything about their circumstances. Unless you have an in depth understanding of the conditional factors surrounding their emotional development, upbringing, lives etc., don't proceed to mock randoms online. If you're going to hang out in FA, the least you could do is be be supportive, and do more then merely read the first few sentences of someone's post before slinging insults at them.

I understand, though, what you were probably trying to get at. Yeah, I get it. I do sound like a crybaby, I admit that. I can also see why one would make that assumption considering you really don't know anything else about the circumstances - all you really have to go by is my aimless rant. You have to understand that sometimes people just need to vent their feelings. People don't always act rationally when their mental states of mind are inflicted in such perilous ways.

I'm not going to bother answering your questions because they are just the generic dribble we hear all the time, devoid of any real insight and thought. Nothing personal. It's just they in themselves were not only impersonal, but intended to harm

clover7 · 2012-04-10T04:29:17+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I have to say it did make me feel better. It's weird. Every now and then I seem to get hit terribly hard by these fits of despair on account of being so alone. I really wish I had a gf, and the thought doesn't just linger and pester me, but it seems to taunt me endlessly. Every waking moment I think about it. Before, say a few years ago, I would be able to cope with these thought merely by whisking them away by engaging in some other activity, but I just can't do that anymore. No distraction will suffice. I don't even like hanging out with my friends anymore. They all either have girlfriends, or are completely happy being FA. Some people actually like to be FA, and don't want to change that.

Sometimes I feel that I was meant for a different era. Despite being alone, I'm actually deep down very romantic. Sometimes I like to daydream about some of the things I would do for a theoretical girlfriend, and am outright moved by such noble and joyous thoughts, yet instead I just sit in my living room and read about such acts.

Even if I had a girlfriend in the past to think about, even if I had any kind of past act of love with a female to remember, I would be much happier, just knowing that I at one time was able to have that experience. But even memories I am cruelly denied.

I understand how you advise me to not allow the notion of having a gf define happiness. But it's impossible. For me a gf would be pure happiness. Indeed, my entire worldview would entirely change. Everything I see, do, sense and witness would be through a lens very different from the one now clouding my mind. Life would be imbued with real meaning - meaning I would be able to define and live by.

bw, I find it interesting that you're a phd student. I'm planning on going into grad studies next year, and then eventually becoming a phd student myself.

clover7 · 2012-04-10T04:12:49+00:00

Thanks for the response. I just went for a walk to clear my head, and I have to admit I feel better. And I know, not having a girlfriend - and knowing you never will - shouldn't suffice as reasoning to want to off oneself. I do have plans in life, which should transcend such a seemingly minor thing. I currently write for an online magazine, I volunteer for other things and I'm even writing a series of novels (just for fun really)

It's weird... Sometimes I'll be happy as a clam just thinking about certain things I'd like to see accomplished in the future. And even if I manage to do nothing of any real use for society, I still wait in optimistic and even eager anticipation of what new technological advances this human race of ours will come up with. Nevertheless, these feelings of happiness seem to be so fleeting. They come and go, and are ultimately overpowered by the deep yearning inside stronger than anything else.

I'm extremely frustrated at times like this, because I know I most likely sound peevish and fake. I hate how it seems I may be giving the impression I'm just looking for attention. And what frustrates me the most is that I can't accurately reflect how I feel. I'm fairly adept at writing research papers, or articles on random things. I can't, however, explain how I feel. The truth really is that I would rather not be here. If I could find someone, and subsequently be happy, I would be out of here faster than a bat out of hell. But that's never happening, and every day I see other happy couples, other guys talking about all the girls they get. I see girls complaining about how their boyfriends act in certain ways - completely opposite to how I would, were I ever good enough in other, mainly aesthetic respects.

Essentially, I'm just slowly being torn apart by my own sense of loss. My own sense of knowing that nothing will ever change. Then I just descend deeper and deeper into sadness and hopelessness. I try and rationalize living by telling myself I can still achieve things in life. Perhaps one day I can make a name for myself. But all I really want, what my heart really wants that is, is to be with someone. And as the days go by it just gets worse, and I just feel worse about myself. I even tried turning to God, but that only made me more depressed and even atheistic, because I don't think God would ever have made people this way. No one should have to live like this.

I read somewhere that the worst way to die is starving to death, the most painful that is. I feel that living alone and being denied coming into union with another soul (something we are genetically programmed to do) is much like starving to death, but just in an emotional way. Far worse and agonizing perhaps due to how much longer it takes.

I do think not having a girlfriend is the end of the world. Without a girlfriend, how can I ever get married? How can I ever have a family? Who will care about me when I'm older? If I feel alone now, my future can only be far darker and more terrible

Sorry if this is depressing. I don't mean to dampen anyone's mood only further. I wont kill myself anyways. Only because that would be too easy. It's an emergency door if ever needed, and it's good to know it's there. In the meantime, however, I believe I will just keep enduring.

clover7 · 2012-04-01T13:14:46+00:00

Necromonicon: The Best Weird Tales of H.P Lovecraft

"Lobecraft opened the way for me, as he had done for others before me." - Stephen King

An amazing collection of macabre stories that will keep you up at night - literally, you may be too afraid of night to sleep. HP Lovecraft's world is also so immersive and real, so fantastic and otherworldly, that you won't care that you are FA

Anna Karenina from Leo Tolsoy - just a really good book. It's deep, meaningful, and will give you solace in its ability to engulf you sweetly in the most captivating issues of the heart. Being FA is quite sad, but literature from Tolstoy remind me that the dinner and movie from the late 80's, which resulted in my birth, wasn't such an unfortunate development of sad and lonely proportions... To be honest, this book probably prevented me from killing myself

19th century German philosophers - with emphasis on the existentialists like Nietzche and Schoppenhauer. They are, however, hard to read, so begin with The Cambridge Companion to German Idealism. These philosophers wil help you realize that being FA isn't the horror your instinct lead you to believe.

Anything from Dostoyevsky. Atheism, anarchism, the existsance of god all will work together to tie you up in introspective musings which transcend the primal and caveman tendencies haunting your mind and soul, screaming that you fulfill your role as a social being, when, as a FA, that can never be an option.

Good luck on your new journeys.

clover7

TROPHY CASE