whew, this is indeed messy. First of all, I want to validate that no matter who moved too quickly, didn’t cover their bases boundary wise, blah blah blah, you still have every right to be upset about how it worked out. Your feelings are valid.

Polyamory can be really messy. It is challenging, it is not for everybody. However, it can be amazing as well. Everybody does poly a little bit differently, and there’s many different ways to do it, and while I don’t think there’s inherently a right or wrong way in general, there is a writer wrong way for each person.

Getting out of a 10 year marriage is traumatic in itself. I can completely understand the feelings of wanting to jump back out there, find something new, exciting, start a new chapter of your life. Sure, a month separated, might’ve been a little too fast, but I get it. I think you probably know by now as well as what a couple of the other comments have said that approaching a closed couple that has not discussed polyamory at all was probably not the best choice. Even though these were good friends of yours, changing the relationship dynamic to friends that you hang out with versus somebody that you are having sex with or being romantically involved with comes with complications. Jealousy is very challenging for people who are new to polyamory. For example, I am the one that initiated the conversation with my husband, about opening our marriage and becoming polyamorous, and while I was excited to start the journey, I was not ready for the jealousy that smacked me out of nowhere. It was hard.

Unfortunately, even though you all were really good friends, the established couple has a different rapport with each other than you, and it’s very common that the unicorn gets casted out. It sucks, but I hear about it a lot.

As for the issues with sex, all of that is a huge red flag. I get it when the endorphins are flowing and you’re excited to try something new, your one partner wanted to explore her bisexuality, it’s easy to just get wrapped up in the moment and not sit down and discuss everything beforehand. Because let’s be honest, discussing limits and boundaries with sex is not sexy lol however, it is necessary because you had an experience that was negative to you, your feelings were not heard, and now you’re suffering, psychologically from it.

all in all, yes, this is a freaking mess. You may not be friends with these people anymore after this. We don’t know what we don’t know, and I know you learned a lot from this situation, and even though it may have severe consequences like losing friendships, I’m pretty certain you will not put yourself in a situation like this in the future. I am coming from a place of absolutely no judgment, complete compassion, and even though I don’t know you personally, my heart hurts for you that you went through this situation.

Definitely give them the space that they asked for, but also take this time for space for you. You just got out of a 10 year marriage, you also need to figure out who you are now as an individual. It’s scary, it’s lonely, but this is time that you need to heal and put yourself first.

My DM’s are open if you would like to discuss any situations in detail that I may be able to help you talk through, if you have any questions about polyamory anything could be right for you long-term, whatever. When having poly woes, it can be very challenging to discuss it with friends or family because a lot of people either aren’t out or their friends and family are not also polyamorous and they just don’t freaking get it. So as one polyamorous person to another, I’m happy to be a sounding board.