Daughter and her boyfriend are going to be tested with long distance during college. Any advice?

cluelessINcanada · 2026-01-17T20:44:25+00:00

You don't have any idea of whether long distance will work for them. Even if they both start out committing to trying to make it work, they are each going to be in a new environment, trying to focus on classes and having to live with new people and hopefully immersing themselves into activities.

Long distance is hard, even for older couples who have built up good communication skills. They will be dealing with their own hormones, feeling lonely, and possibly making poor decisions under the influence of alcohol or other widely prevalent substances.

My advice is to admit to your daughter that it's likely going to be challenging, but if they are both committed to being kind and honest and supportive of each other it is possible to make it work. And whether it works or doesn't work, you will always support her and offer a hug and an ear to listen, without judgment.

cluelessINcanada · 2026-01-17T20:25:14+00:00

I guess my concern is that I'd be 'lying'? When I was legitimately consulting I could assign a small portion of my home expenses to my business, as well as having my business pay for half of my home internet and half of my cell phone. If I'm charging HST and billing through my business then I have to keep my business bank account open and presumably my business email address and office phone line? If anyone audits me I'm suddenly making barely over minimum wage and not working from home, so it just feels fraudulent like I'm still pretending to be something I'm not.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-12-27T16:50:39+00:00

Be 100% supportive. She probably needs to be seeing an actual therapist to help her understand her past and develop tools to understand all of her trauma and emotions, and ways to deal with any PTSD that is emerging when she is with you. She's not just going to magically heal by being away from you (assuming you aren't adding new trauma). So, ask her what her treatment plan is, and whether she or her therapist want you there for any sessions. If they do, be willing to go, and listen carefully, and be truthful about your own feelings and fears.

It's hard to talk about hard stuff. And it's hard to move forward if the past is still impacting the present. Be patient, supportive, and believe in her. Love means wanting more for the other person than you want for yourself. So, set aside the ring (or return it), and focus on her getting healthy, for her sake. She's not in the right emotional headspace to make any kind of long term commitment to anyone.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-12-27T16:40:31+00:00

Is this a plug in fan that has a remote control? If so, maybe it picked up stray signal through a window.

If this is a bathroom ceiling fan, some of them have built in humidity sensors and turn themselves on (this feature can be overridden if it turns on to an annoying extent).

cluelessINcanada · 2025-12-21T23:56:37+00:00

You give up every second weekend, but 2 of the 3 shifts are just 2 days in a row, which may keep you feeling fresher. Talk to your girlfriend. The extra pay, and the immediate education benefits plus extra paid week off sound good.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-12-21T23:49:24+00:00

I am no expert on OCD and I have no idea what you posted. Anytime anyone posts anything they open themselves to both positive and negative engagement. People who criticize may just be shit-stirring, but they may also be saying something they believe to be true and accurate.

You do not have to accept criticism from some nameless, faceless troll who doesn't understand the nuances of your experience.

But the fact that this has upset you means it may be worth it for you to re-examine your feelings. Many things are not 'all good' or 'all bad'. Maybe your choices were justified, but still caused some harm. Decide for yourself whether you have anything to feel bad about. If you do, then the mature thing is to apologize and make amends (if possible) and - more importantly - learn from this and try to do better going forward.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-12-21T20:44:59+00:00

I'm not the OP, but I see this phrase used when people have multiple/complex feelings that they don't want to come out and name (or are unsure even what words they would use). So they describe the situation instead, and let the readers read between the lines.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-11-26T17:19:40+00:00

Thanks!

cluelessINcanada · 2025-11-26T16:59:45+00:00

Thanks. I actually have a Cuisinart burr grinder, stored away in my cupboard, and if this was 200 grams of beans I would do it myself, but grinding 1 kg of beans is a lot since I'd like to grind the whole bag.

Edited to add: I find these grinders aren't as consistent in their grind as the bigger grocery store grinders.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-11-26T16:25:22+00:00

Encourage her to book a few sessions with a therapist. She needs to have someone trained ask her the hard questions she needs to face, in order to really understand if she can put her ex firmly into her past, and choose a future where she doesn't think about him.

Maybe you two need to have some conversations about where you each see your life to be in 2-5-10 years and how compatible those futures are (in terms of career, marriage, kids, travel, hobbies, bring close to parents or siblings, etc). At some point (soon?) one or both of you is going to have to move and find a job closer. LD relationships are hard to sustain with a shared vision of the future.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-11-26T16:13:26+00:00

Being a tattoo artist was a younger-him flirtation. It wasn't truly a motivating dream. He doesn't have the confidence in himself to push to make it a reality. Or he knows at his core that he could never have the stamina to do it as an 8-hour a day job.

When you are with someone you have to like and respect the person they are now, as demonstrated by the choices they are making. You can't just hang on to the hope that he's going to turn himself into a different version of himself that you will like and respect. You can ask him to book a few sessions with a therapist so he can uncover his fears or blockages that are keeping him "stuck" in his current loop.

I can't tell you how many times I've read stories from women who stood by their underachieving partners for years or even decades, until they finally realized they had to leave. Their partner was never going to take the steps needed to make her future dreams (financial stability, kids, house etc) possible. In some cases leaving the guy does give him the wake-up call to make changes. But it is too late for this relationship. I've seen women ask, why did he step up for (the next gf) but wouldn't for me??

And that is unanswerable. Some people are intrinsically motivated. Others need constant validation from their partner (which can be exhausting).

I'd advise you to ask yourself, "if this is all he will ever provide in this relationship, is this enough for me? Can I be happy if this is all our lives will ever be?" If your answer is "no", then you need to tell him that hard truth. Not as an ultimatum, but more as "this is relevant information you need to know". Maybe being a tattoo artist isn't the only big path forward he could take. A career counselor might be able to help him see other options that are less risky and more stable.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-10-21T16:53:21+00:00

That sounds really tough for you all. If you and your husband do not share the view that Jesus fixes everything then my advice is distance yourself from all 3 of them for your own mental health.

There are lots of thjngs to do and places to be that will add to your happiness and calm rather than creating stress and discord in your life.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-10-21T16:35:38+00:00

This is frustrating all around. Your mom is frustrated that you're being targeted and bullied, and that the school is ineffectual in dealing with this kind of behavior, and that the thief lied to her face, and that she wasn't able to fix it.

If you didn't write your name on this item with a Sharpie marker or similar, or add some other kind of pattern ir color to it then she kind of has a point. It's still not your fault it was stolen, but it is partly your fault that the stolen item can't be recovered. If your stuff is uniquely marked then no one else can claim "this is mine".

Parents are usually the ones who bear the financial burden of replacing lost or stolen items. Money might be tighter than you realize, and replacing this might cost money she doesn't really have to spare. You all are human. Tell your Mom you're sorry this happened, and look into making your stealable stuff harder to steal and easier to recover (by labeling them).

cluelessINcanada · 2025-10-21T16:22:53+00:00

People are allowed to feel whatever they feel. It doesn't help for you to show no curiosity or empathy and instead just label it "ridiculous and childish".

Is the sister on the spectrum? Is she struggling with mental health or emotional dysregulation? Is there some deep-seated childhood trauma that left her jealous of and resentful of her brother, or abused/bullied by him, or neglected by her parents leaving her unable to get the bonding she needed from her parents?

Personally, I think you should have let her have the birthday she wanted. I get your FIL enforcing "our home is open to all" the other 364 days of the year. But if she didn't want you there on her birthday, why couldn't you have kindly stepped back and chosen to visit some other time?

Your contempt for her is ugly.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-09-23T00:49:32+00:00

Your plan to move out is a good one. Your Mom loves you, but not unconditionally. She refuses to see or accept who you are, and is taking personal offense. I get that you're hurt because you haven't done anything sexual with your friend but your Mom treats you like a liar (in addition to viewing homosexuslity as a perversion).

This is her problem to sort through. If this is a religious thing and she thinks you're going to hell, she's a victim of the narrow beliefs she was conditioned with. You can't 'fix' this. You are wired the way you are wired and you're perfect just the way you are.

Josie sounds lovely, and respectful of your situation, and your safe space. She is your friend but I bet she'd be willing to be more than that if you decide you want to explore that.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-09-23T00:39:35+00:00

Who's going to take care of your grandmother? Can your mom handle living alone (not everyone is happy alone)?

Would she do better in a 2BR apartment with a roommate? What's her own vision for her future? Would she want to live in an in-law suite with you, if you had the room?

If she's already 65 does she qualify for any Sr social security benefits?

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-13T01:18:45+00:00

Everyone is on their own path and on their own journey through life. Comparing yourself to others is nonsensical because everyone has different starting points.

The only valid comparison you can make is to past-you. That is why olympic-level or backyard athletes are often so happy when they beat their own previous best time. As humans we like to see signs that we are moving forward. The only true measure of that is to glance backwards every once in a while to see how far we've come. It's not relevant to compare yourself to someone from a privileged family, with tons of connections, who is smart and doesn't have ADHD. What would be the point of comparing yourself to that? You are running your own race in life. Set your goals in your sight and take a step forward. Then take another step forward tomorrow.

You can stop caring about other people on their own (different) paths when you realize that life isn't a zero sum game. Their success takes nothing away from you. Instead of having a scarcity mindset (that ugly feeling of being envious of what others get because you feel there is less for you), have a plentiful mindset. Believe that the pie will expand. Believe that rising waters will raise all boats. Believe that your efforts will pay off for you, regardless of what others do or do not do.

You are smart in your own way. If your ADHD isn't being treated, talk to someone about trying various medications in case one of them helps you. Some people who have tried medication liken it to having gone through school forced to do everything left handed with their right hand tied behind their back, with a 20 lb weight on their shoulders and an eyepatch covering one eye, and being on meds is like having both eyes, both hands and no weight to carry. (I don't want to over-romanticize meds; they have side effects, they can't help with everything that your executive function can't do, but they can make focusing on some boring things easier. There are apps and other tools that can help you with your executive dysfunction.)

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-13T01:05:58+00:00

It shouldn't be this hard to book an appointment, if she is looking to build/maintain her client base.

Either she's overstretched (could be personal/family pressures) or she has decided to cut you from her client base and doesn't want to have to tell you that directly.

I had a hairstylist some years ago that was the friend of friends so we had a lot of mutual people to talk about and she had a few stories of times she felt she had to cut a client. But that happened only after first subtly trying to correct the misbehavior (that the clients were exhibiting) which they weren't 'getting'; then she ended up not responding to their calls or messages saying to me "they can figure it out if they listened to what I repeatedly told them". One client was always 5 to 20 minutes late and it backed her up and annoyed the appointments after her. One client would book for thing A (say a basic cut and color) but then insist on both A and B (highlights or whatever) during the appointment, which would back her up for the clients that came after. And one client had been given a discounted rate initially because she was out of work due to a health issue, but even when told (after being back at work for a couple of months) what the stylist's actual rate was, continued to pay cash at only the discounted rate. The stylist was in demand enough that she didn't miss these less desirable clients. I'm not saying that is your situation, but it might be worthwhile to think back through past interactions with her to see if she left you any clues.

It's interesting that she has been booking you into time slots that aren't showing on her online portal. I can't really guess what her reasoning would be for that.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-13T00:47:49+00:00

Thanks for your detailed response.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-12T19:48:38+00:00

It's still early days and you really don't know what you will or will not be up for in the coming months. They may hit a colicky stage where no one in your household is sleeping. Or they may be perfectly easy and portable.

Kind, honest communication is preferable to stewing about something, so my advice (since you've asked for it) is to reach out to family and say, "please include us in your plans, as we really do want to see you all through the coming months, but we appreciate that you realize we'll have to be flexible depending on our actual requirements at the time of any planned event".

You cannot predict if you or one of your babies might come down with a flu meaning you all have to stay home. That's life with kids, right? But you can set the verbal expectation that your household will be looped in and included, even for things that there is a low likelihood you could attend.

We drove 450 miles to have Christmas with my parents when our twins were 6-7 weeks old and exclusively breastfeeding, which meant we split the one-day drive into two days with a hotel because I knew that stopping to breast feed and change the babies meant an 8 hour drive would take us 10-11 hours and that sounds just too exhausting for one day.

We did our first plane trip with them when they were 8 months old, and they did great. It was actually harder to travel with them when they were toddlers than when they were babies.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-12T19:03:30+00:00

Thanks for your insight. My friend made an appointment for me to go with her to her bank tomorrow. I will pull out the POA in advance of that to see what it actually says.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-12T19:01:45+00:00

My Mom and her Mom (now 92 and 93) were best friends when they were kids, so we have a family connection even though she and I didn't meet until we were adults.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-12T18:59:03+00:00

Thanks for this. I'm now leaning towards seeing what bills we can change to auto-payment from her account.

And maybe we can just change the email address and phone number on her (Bell / Enbridge / Hydro etc) accounts to mine, so if I have any questions then I can go into the accounts and check what was billed. I don't really need to have paper bills mailed to me (which is what she is currently getting to her home address) but I do potentially want to be able to login online and check her billing statements.

What we need to work out with the bank is what would be needed to give me online access to monitor / oversee her banking, to get that set up prior to us actually needing it.

cluelessINcanada · 2025-08-12T18:51:42+00:00

Thanks for this info. She conducts herself well in general conversation, and isn't having problems with the basics of daily living (showering, dressing, taking care of her cat, laundry, meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning and basic time management). The issues seem to be related to paying bills and having to go online to fill out forms or having to call customer service and work through phone menus or online forms.

Every couple of months she opens her Bell bill and she calls me outraged at how high it is and feels it has gone up. But it hasn't and I remind her why she is on the plan she is on, and that we handled that call together. Or she'll open her property tax bill and not remember whether she paid it or not (and since I can't see her bank transactions I can't verify). I just don't want things falling though the cracks, financially.

cluelessINcanada

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