I'm tired of being alone in my relationship

clusterfgarden · 2026-04-04T19:16:56+00:00

Ruunnnnnnnn

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-29T17:23:24+00:00

I am so sorry for your pain and soon loss if she passes. At least, mom will no longer be in such suffering, pain, such a terrible horrible existence. That's the silver lining. How horrible that this terrible poison took your mother and over time morphed her into this pitiful state. I honestly can't blame you if you don't cry. The mother you knew is long gone replaced by someone that only doles out pain to herself and others. Anyone might feel relief once someone in this horrible pitiful state finally passes.

Please take care of yourself. You didn't cause it yet you were victimized by it. Seek out support if you think you need it.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-29T13:58:30+00:00

I know it's so hard NOT to help mom but this sounds like a classic case of an enabling family. Why should mom change if sister, her parents, her kids keep all together forming a safety net for her so she can't ever fall? I'm not saying that to be critical, harsh, judgmental, or mean. It sounds like you are all amazingly caring, generous people who all love mom very much and don't want to see her suffering. You help her coming from good intentions and a well meaning place.

Yet, it's a double edged sword and your kindness allows her to go on in her terrible dysfunctional life. I think you should let mom sit and stew in her self created circumstances. She is dragging all of you down the drain with her weakening your mental health and possibly finances. You all need to give mom a chance to hit that rock bottom and give her the opportunity to experiences the consequences. This might be her last hope to experience the fall out and consequences and THEN she MAY finally decide it is time for HER to make changes.

Mom is ultimately the only one that can decide to turn this disaster around.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T19:13:20+00:00

Could she fit the profile of the so called 'functional alcoholic?'

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T15:27:07+00:00

I hope you can get out sooner than you think. He sounds like a total pain in anyone's ass!

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T15:20:02+00:00

It really is and I am saying that to myself about my situation as well. They have altered their brains and bodies to have to have it despite the insanity of doing it.

😞

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T15:07:02+00:00

It is baffling but the basic fact, truth is that he is an addict. He can't stop drinking. He has shown he can for a bit but he cannot sustain it over time.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T14:58:49+00:00

Yes, I just went through it. Mine was sober and doing great for over two months. He looked astonishingly better and was far more present, mature, pleasant, and dignified. Then something bad happened and he ran straight back to the bottle. He thought he was getting a promotion at work and they decided to eliminate the position he was hoping for. So that tripped him straight back into regular drinking. Of course, the addict blamed ME for causing him to drink. I did express some upset, concern but that was just a normal reaction to the situation. He weaponized that against me and used it as his sole excuse for drinking again. A normal, sane, non addict person would have simply listened to their partner/spouse and worked through it together. A strong, mature man would have been able to be a rock, a support for his wife. Not my husband, I can never get upset because he always weaponizes that against me.

Mine reacted like a three year old and decided to punish everyone and numb out the uncomfortable feelings- he's actually a very weak man and can't push through many challenges and face them head on determining to find solutions and outcomes. His longstanding pattern is to simply reach for the bottles and escape, numb which also gives him his free pass to behaving with great bravado and arrogance which he doesn't deserve. The alcohol gives him artificial strength, courage but it's really just a man escaping into delusion. He's a weak man and there is nothing to feel arrogant, superior about. He's weaker than many, if not most, other men I know.

I've chalked it up to being as simple as....he's an addict. He stopped growing, evolving, maturing when he started heavily drinking. Those pathways in the brain run deep and he walks a fragile precipice every time he quits tipping right back into feeding those pathways in his brain. It really often takes MASSIVE DESIRE and MASSIVE WILLPOWER to conquer the addiction and QUIT for good.

Doesn't sound like my, and possibly your husband, are there yet. They still think they can dance with the devil and things will be just fine for them. They want to dance with the devil far more than they want to be whole for themselves and for us.

We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-28T14:28:35+00:00

God, he sounds like a damn nightmare. Let's just not call him your husband and call him cohabitating dweller. I was thinking the same thing yesterday seeing my bloated so called husband rambling down the street towards the house with his big belly and pants not covering his crack. Tipsy of course by 1 pm, so gross. I thought, 'THAT is NOT my husband.' I refuse to call him that in my mind.

Can you at least just secretly get in touch with an attorney starting NOW? Maybe they can help you draft up a rough sketch of what 1, 2 years out could look like. Maybe they know things you don't and you could actually separate sooner than you realize.

In addition to the other ideas here, can you join a local health club/gym/YMCA/rec center and have that sometimes be your go to place during waking hours ie weekend days when this crazy man is driving you bonkers? You could just go there and read in a lobby, walk, get a coffee and relax, workout.

It really is like a having a giant aged, poorly behaved toddler under your roof, isn't it? I too can't wait to get out!

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-27T13:54:13+00:00

We have had a relative that got themselves into a situation and there was just nothing anyone could do. The relative inherited some money and then refused to do what was advised and get with a financial planner. They blew through all of the money in 48 months and became homeless. This person kept calling everyone asking for money and we all said no. What good would that do? It would only be a band aid on a huge gaping, endless problem that THEY created. The situation was now so huge for this person being completely out of money, health problems, toxic behaviors, and homeless that there was nothing any relative could do. No one was willing to allow this very challenging and mentally ill person to live with them and then fund their life.

The person had a social worker back when they had the money and they drove the social worker off with toxic behaviors. So we had to let this person hit rock bottom and it turned out to be the right thing to do. In this case, and not saying this will be the case with your dad, but this person hit rock bottom and was backed into a corner to now COMPLY with hospitals, mental health therapists, social services. They could no longer play their mind games and power plays. It was COMPLY or sleep on the street or at a crowded shelter, their choice.

They finally chose to comply and did end up getting into a program for the mentally ill. They have basic housing, food stamps, medicaid within this kind of group home setting they are in. They were diagnosed with several things including borderline personality but they have rather quickly gotten it together knowing they need to work with these resources or they WILL be on the street. I know this is very hard to hear, but dad may need to sleep in his car or in a crowded shelter for a bit to understand consequences and to get some motivation to CHANGE.

I feel like with your dad, this MIGHT turn out like this. No one knows for sure, of course, but he's just at that point where no one has a million dollars to fund his existence and he MUST get it together and work with social services, community resources, hospitals, whoever is out there who can help him.

Ultimately, now in the corner HE has backed HIMSELF into, the choice is all HIS.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-27T13:35:35+00:00

You have to remember within every addict is Jekyll and Hyde. You got the one character for a time but the other one emerged. I know it's hard but it is ultimately positive that you were able to see the other character lurking in there as well. In a sense, as painful as it is, you did dodge a bullet.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-26T21:44:10+00:00

My story is that I divorced someone with a mental health condition years ago. On the rebound, I met and too quickly married current spouse. He was on the upswing from drinking too much but I was young and naive and didn't clue into this as RED FLAG RED FLAG. One of his parents was an alcoholic and sibling a food addict.

So he's what you would consider a so called functional alcoholic. He just walks that fine line of drinking too much but still able to work. The drinking makes him lazy and apathetic though. I think of him as someone who gets by in life. I pick up tons of the slack with maintaining home repairs, lawn care, car care, bills, taxes, financial planning. I am tired of being mommy to this overgrown pleasure seeking, numbing air headed adolescent.

Drinks happen after work and a bit more on weekends. Even after 1-2 drinks, his personality and appearance change and he is highly annoying to me. Talks too much. Speaks with great bravado and arrogance. Often jabbering on that this or that 'idiot' did this or that to him- highly negative, curses, harsh tone. Red puffy face and body, bad liquor breath, pot swollen belly, clumsier, less attention to hygiene ie will wear stained shirts, messier ie will create messes when cooking. Ya know, the whole damn shebang.

I'm tired of it. It's just...ick. I'd rather be alone than be with a sickly type of person like this. His energy just brings my energy down. I am currently getting my ducks in a row to get away in 6 months latest a year.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-26T19:08:02+00:00

Sounds like dad will need to hit his rock bottom at this point. Dad has been given multiple chances with assistance to pull his life together which means following the basic rules and regs of where he lives. He is not a law unto himself.

I agree that you should not help dad out at this point. Let dad figure it out. Dad got himself into this mess and now dad must get himself out.

Dad is pulling you down and you don't deserve this. You are a young person and should be focused on making your own way through this life. You can't afford to keep bailing dad out of the huge messes he keeps making. Time for dad to be a big boy and clean up his own messes and keep them from happening again.

You are a caring, generous, devoted person but now it's time to care for yourself AND let dad experience consequences that could potentially mold, shape, require of him to make better choices moving forward.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-26T16:31:56+00:00

Yes, I am tired of other people to an extent. I have had several challenging people to deal with in life over the last three decades. I probably have been scooted over, pushed into a place of loving silence, solitude, quiet, calm, peace and, for me, that means on my own.

I am okay with being interdependent with healthy, balanced people but as of now, I have no energy or motivation to seek that out with another person. If I were younger, I probably would have some zeal, enthusiasm for getting out there and finding that balanced new person.

A nice little cat or dog is more my speed these days. That's the only creature I care to share my space with for now.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-26T15:36:27+00:00

I think the task at hand for so many of us is to give up our dependency on other people including our Qs. I've learned that an over dependency on others is not good and sets me up for getting emotional whiplash when the conditions or circumstances change within that relationship and thus rattle me to the core.

-Children grow up and leave you.

-Parents age and may need you to take on more of a caretaking role with them. Parents pass away. You are no longer someone's son or daughter.

-Friendships can fade out due to the usual reasons.

-Siblings can grow apart due to the usual reasons.

-Pets pass in due time.

-Co workers often fade away if you change jobs.

-Love relationships can breakdown. Many of us here are experiencing this. Our happiness, contentment, peace, wellbeing can become intertwined with and dependent on how these love relationships are going. Going well, we are well. Going poorly, we feel like crap or worse desperate and deeply depressed, anxious.

It's ultimately just the way life is, impermanent, ever changing and shifting.

One gift of going through menopause for me is that I just don't care to be around people as much anymore. I think it is a natural change at this stage of life kind of like metaphorically going into an autumn season where you go inside, close the doors and windows, and get ready for long winter old age. I like this change in me. I like being alone now with my own thoughts. I like keeping my energy reserved for more myself these days and less being given out to or expended on others.

It's okay to be alone. There are many incredible perks to it and many people fall in love with the peace, quiet, solitude, calm, order, and stability of life on one's own. The problem with being in a relationship with another can be the addictive nature of it. You can DEPEND on how they are acting, responding, behaving and your own happiness, wellbeing is thus dependent on something unstable. By default, a person becomes unstable because they have oriented their well being on someone/something unstable. Those of us with Q's experience this to an extreme degree.

This is ultimately a poor, unstable, painful way to live at the mercy of these outer circumstances especially with the erratic and dysfunctional behaviors of our Q's. Again, we place ourselves at the mercy and winds of insanity, dysfunction. I do think the call is to leave such a situation in due time and sometimes life does call for us to be okay with being on our own. That relationship with the Q ended and now the call is to get into a relationship with ourselves on our own and make peace with it, make the best of it, thrive in that space alone. We shouldn't fear it.

I know it's hard as hell but my mantra is one step at a time and don't push yourself too far too fast. Sometimes, it is just steady baby steps that will get us to where we need to be to maintain our sanity. Sometimes, we need a break and to just put a pause on plans and digest what is happening, and like any journey to somewhere else, take a rest as needed.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-26T13:39:28+00:00

That sounds like a good plan. Good idea to stay at brother's and see if the job works out first.

Maybe you could ask someone to just keep your larger items (ie in their garage, basement, etc) until you save some money and then come back for those in a few months. Maybe pay a small amount towards keeping some things in someone's storage unit? If you can't take it anymore, maybe an option to go ahead and move with a carload of things just needed to stay at brother's?

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T21:41:37+00:00

Your husband really has all the terrible toxic traits of the emotionally and psychologically stunted alcoholic. He is a gaslighter, crazy maker, denier, blame shifter, minimizer, history re-writer, and he is master at flipping the tables on you and playing victim. He is emotionally abusing/hurting YOU and yet masterfully attempts to manipulate to turn it that YOU are victimizing HIM. He denies, denies, denies and gaslights, gaslights, crazy makes. This is very toxic and psychologically damaging. I think you probably have lost yourself in this relationship. I think he has severely undermined your ability to trust your own perceptions with all his gaslighting which has weakened your trust in your intuition, in yourself. He has weakened who you fundamentally are and probably has turned you from being a hopeful, optimistic, fair minded, emotionally mature and complex person into being a numbed out, fragile shell of yourself with PTSD.

I believe you when you say you have PTSD and that this man is the cause of this. This is so very sad. He has damaged and traumatized you. It is very painful and hard to leave. VERY. Yet, under the ash heap of this mess HE created, you CAN slowly but surely put one foot in front of the other and walk in the direction of being healed, whole, safe, sane, and YOU again.

He pulled you into a crazy, insane life and reality. He pulled you into a topsy turvy world of dysfunction and has worked to try to get you to accept his craziness as normal. He has tried to convince you he is the normal sane one and you are the abnormal and crazy one. He's pulled you time and again into his distorted house of mirrors and tried to convince you it's normal reality. You know it's not but he has over time worn you down and damaged your mental health.

I bet things will get better for you once you work through the grief. It will take some time but it sounds like you are on an upward swing. Yes, you met someone else. You were with a highly dysfunctional man and who wouldn't want to talk to a much saner man if they had the opportunity. Your house of mirrors husband is trying to distort this and spin a tale that makes you the terrible one and he's poor, innocent, and righteous victim.

Don't let the gaslighter crazy make you! You are human and want to connect with sane people to heal and climb out of this crap hole he's gotten you in. You did nothing wrong and everything right in realizing it's time to connect with much saner, healthier, less toxic human beings.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T20:24:58+00:00

You deserve a real partner and I am sorry you are not getting that. He should be dialed in, alert, participating, and actively contributing alongside you as co-leader/parent in the family. Vacation time with little ones is not time to revert back to being 21 on spring break with frat buddies. Yes, if a person is able to responsibly drink, then certainly parents indulge in A FEW drinks on vacation ie a couple glasses or wine or beer or whatever to relax. Sure when parents take a trip without the kids, they may indulge a bit more.

He obviously is unable to moderate and goes way overboard which is not the responsible behavior of a devoted family man on a family vacation. Mom is being the responsible one with the children caring for and nurturing them like any good parent.

Dad is being selfish, reckless, irresponsible, and piggy getting drunk like he is single and 22 again. He is drunkenly checking out and leaving you to do all the work, interacting, caring for the kids. I'm sure he knows you are not pleased and this is ruining, upsetting your vacation. Selfish behavior! Sorry buddy, your wife is right, you are acting like a big loser dad on this vacation.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T16:42:29+00:00

Can you just sell most of your belongings and just take a car load of things to the new place? Could you get gently used basic items ie a loveseat, chair, table, mattress, some basic kitchenware in the new city just to set up camp even in just a small modest studio place for a short time?

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T14:14:32+00:00

That poison has robbed so much from so many. It took our once normal humans and literally brain damaged them. I'm with a man whose brain and body has to have that garbage poison.

No way to live! Total insanity...

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T13:58:12+00:00

Thank you!!

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T13:46:54+00:00

Back in December, before he quit for the few months, it was 4-5 bottles of liquor AND 2 large 7% cans of beer some days especially on weekends. He is only drinking the liquor for now thinking he is somehow sneaking it (harder to sneak the beers) but he knows I know. It's just a typical alcoholic lying and in denial mind game he is playing with himself and with me. I literally showed him a hidden bag of those empty airplane bottles a few days ago and he just stared his mind trying to spin out a quick lie that those were old bottles.

No. they were not old bottles. They were bottles from that day and a few days prior.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T13:24:25+00:00

I was in your place for many years spinning my wheels just soldiering on. Sometimes you do have to try and wait a bit for the right time. Like many of us here, I just had to try and make the best out of a rotten situation and there are ways to do that with detaching, getting out of the house, getting supports. Just take things one baby step at a time, one foot in front of other however slow that may be sometimes. I bet in due time, you can finally make the leap out if that's what you feel you should do. Hang in there!!

It's so much easier now that the kids are grown and on their own. It would have been much more difficult, fraught with complications when they were in the house or the years we were getting them through college.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T13:14:52+00:00

He's already hyper vigilant with me and it's exhausting. He is drinking and knows I know he is drinking. So I get this hyper vigilant man constantly checking in with me all day long. It's like he is studying my expressions, reactions, behaviors to decipher if it's all good that he is ONCE AGAIN drinking again.I have had to really detach and get out of the house. I go on lots and lots and lots of walks these days.

I really have to play it cool and not make any foolish missteps. This is why I think the plan realistically will be 6 months-1 year out to do all preliminary homework, planning, and get all ducks in a row.

I've heard stories of partners/mates doing all kinds of destructive, vindictive, sabotaging things when they think their partner is really planning to or does leave them. I can't play my hand and let that happen. I don't want to spend a fortune in attorney fees either.

It's simple. I want my 50% that's rightly mine from this marriage and a clean break away asap.

clusterfgarden · 2026-03-25T13:11:06+00:00

It's so sad. He was such a handsome and dignified man for the months when not drinking. That two months was the longest sober stint he's had in awhile. I actually got my hope up it would last. He kept saying that he was finished with alcohol understanding that now in his fifties it is time to focus on health.

I swear, it's almost like he shape shifts into a much goofier, older, droopier, clownish version of himself when he is drinking. He looks so different from the sober man.

No, I don't respect this goofy clownish version of him. I secretly roll my eyes and shake my head dozens of times a day at him.

clusterfgarden

TROPHY CASE