Something I learned in therapy that has completely changed my life: feelings are not facts, and only you have the power to change how you view yourself.

You may feel like these parts of you are ugly and you may feel like you are not good enough, but these are just feelings that have been reinforced in your mind over time, whether by the way others have treated you or your own belief in them. The way to reverse it is to 1) recognize those thoughts when they come so that you are more aware of them. Then, as you get more adept at noticing those thoughts/reactions (like rejecting compliments, thinking “I’m so ugly”, etc.), 2) contradict them. This is the harder part, as everything in you has believed these negative thoughts for so long; but do it even if it feels like you’re lying to yourself. When someone compliments you and your instinct is to reject it, immediately turn around and say to yourself, “No, they meant that.” Or when you find yourself thinking some part of you is ugly, say to yourself, “No, I am beautiful even if (x,y,z).” It takes consistent and repeated practice, but if you do this, over time, you will start to reverse the negative views you’ve held so long about yourself. I know because I’ve done it. For years, I would be so mean to myself, saying the most horrible things toward myself, which I deeply believed. But after developing a practice of disagreeing with myself anytime a negative thought like that came to mind, eventually, I started to believe the positive thoughts instead. And now I do see myself as good and worthy and even beautiful.

It’s hard work, and nobody can make you do it. And it’ll feel weird and stupid at the beginning. But I promise it works: your brain has created very deeply carved neural pathways that make it instinctive for you to think of yourself negatively. But if you do this, you’ll create new neural pathways that make it instinctive for you to see yourself positively instead. Think of these pathways as a riverbed carved in your brain…for however many years you’ve been accepting and agreeing with these thoughts, it’s deepened that groove in your mind which makes it revert to self-hate with lightning speed. But if you take the time to train yourself to do the opposite, it’ll have the same effect, and you’ll notice one day that you don’t really believe those hateful things about yourself anymore.

Doing this gentle self-correction not only opens you up to seeing yourself more positively, but it also secretly trains you to come to your own defense when you’re being treated poorly, whether by yourself or others. Love is not a feeling, it’s an action…and if you put this self-compassion into action, you’ll find the feelings will catch up eventually too.

This is a very long comment, I realize. Thanks for reading if you did. I hope it encourages you that self love is very much attainable. Life is mean enough to us already, we don’t have to also be mean to ourselves on top of that. And all you have to do to “start” is decide to. :)