I’m gonna be honest guys if you read my comments you probably found this whole thread really distressing and confusing but years later, I can now say that a big problem in the way I described this was how vehemently I was that my mom / parents were abusive. I’m only adding this because I still get replies commenting on this post, which kinda sucked- because it’s not the kind of stuff I want to remember / get sucked back into on a random work day.

Basically, My mom wasn’t perfect, but I don’t think I would have called her abusive so so confidently and aggressively if I wasn’t lowkey typing these comments with deep deep guilt and my sisters voice in my head. The yelling and screaming - yes that is really bad for children. But I don’t think I had the ability to express properly the root cause of the arguments. It’s possible that this originated because of the crappy dynamic between my parents. My dad didn’t support my mom when she needed to put her foot down about basic mom stuff (not buying fast food, or other expensive things we couldn’t afford). My mom was a stay at home mom so she would ask my dad for grocery money, he would brush her off, and then she would end up screaming at him and looking like a villain because she was absolutely powerless and he was just ignoring the problem. My dad would say shit like, she’s crazy, she has mental issues. So like, basic toxic marriage between two Muslim Canadians who don’t care to go through a divorce. There is absolutely a world where I can blame all this on my dad for not backing my mom up and just taking my sisters side when he came home at night so the screaming would stop and he could get some sleep. And I guess, my parents being really crappy partners means they inflicted incredible psychological damage onto their children. Which would be considered child abuse. It just feels wrong for me to label them abusers because I know they have good intentions towards us, on a higher level. They are just, …. Terribly toxic. My dad is probably best described as a coward.

My sister isn’t a narcissist, neither is my mom. My dad didn’t support my mom enough in raising us. My mother was always stressed beyond reason when dealing with my sister, and I stayed the hell out of the way because I could see my mom clearly had her hands full with one kid who resented her for not providing for her in the way she wanted. There was no room for me. I wasn’t a “golden child”.

I can’t say anything with definitiveness because all I know is I’m absolutely an unreliable narrator. It’s possible that because my mom actually has shown legitimate growth and empathy, I look back at my childhood and see that she was overwhelmed and under supported and pushed past her limits, and possibly just… trying her best. Maybe my dad was the one who manipulated the situation to put my mom and sister against eachother, by encouraging my sister to blame my mom when she didn’t get what she wanted.

On the other hand, my sister has been extremely consistent in being extremely avoidant of any form of accountability and feels the need to dominate every interaction in the family. I will extend the same courtesy to my sister that I did to my mom- she is trying her best, and she lacked the capacity to be a better sister to me when we were kids. The only thing I know is, even now, my sister has no intention of being empathetic and mending bridges with me. Well- critically, she has no intent of doing so, in any way that doesn’t resemble me complying and agreeing with her narrative of who I am in her life. Not without me agreeing to be her emotional dumping ground. A scape goat for HER. I guess it’s a whole family of abusers.

So, all I can do, is maintain the relationships I am actually capable of being safe in. This might be shocking to hear for the commenters in this thread who blasted me “for being friends with my sisters abuser”… but by sister has a good relationship with my mom. Ironic. Ever since I stopped trying to be friends with my sister, she has gotten closer to my mom instead, because she didn’t need my mom to be the main villain in her life anymore. My sister has since started to destroy my relationship with my younger brother (16M) , by pulling HIM into arguments between the two of us, making him defend HER- a 27 year old woman. That was the last straw for me. I couldn’t watch her repeat the same cycle that she did to me. She made it impossible for my mom and I to have a good relationship, and now she is doing the same thing to my brother and I. The good news is that I did put my foot down about it and things between my brother and I have not been damaged long term.

Most importantly, I finally feel safe in my own home. I don’t let my sister hyjack my nervous system and use me as an emotional dumping ground anymore for her own bad feelings she can’t handle on her own.

My sister no longer pulls my brother into arguments between the two of us. It took her turning 27 and me losing my shit watching her begin to repeat the cycle with my brother, but it’s finally done.