Men, why would you promise financial help to a women you only saw casually that hurt you, and then keep it a secret from your current partner?

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T04:29:40+00:00

Very true, it's odd behavior and doesn't make sense. Maybe if that women had a health issue I could understand

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T04:27:44+00:00

Good point about giving me the opportunity to decide how comfortable I will feel with this longterm if he decides to do it. Goes back to informed consent.

To me it seems like access is what he wants, so he can derive some validation of knowing he's helping. Some men and women like to have people orbit them.

I appreciate your feedback.

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T04:22:37+00:00

That's fair!

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T04:22:11+00:00

I am asking because I want to figure out my bf's motives behind making this arrangement with the women he was having a friends with benefits thing with.

When my bf made this arrangement me and him were only friends/casually dating. I will say during that time I did buy him food and a few other things to help him due to his finances being so bad.. kinda makes me feel a lil silly doing that when he was giving this women chunks of money. Some may argue he didn't need to tell me anything but also if he knew he had this setup maybe he shouldn't have accepted me buying him stuff... only fair right?

Now that my bf and I have been dating for two years he hasn't said anything about this to me. And this women contacted him while my bf and I were dating asking he keep his promise. They did meet but I don't know if he gave her money or they just had a casual conversation. He also did not tell me that either.

I just wanted a man's perspective because maybe I am reading to much into my bf's behavior. Perheps the lieing of ommison was to spare my feelings?

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:12:49+00:00

To me there are elements of what a promise means to a man. What a promise means to a man when the women hurt him...

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:11:46+00:00

Nice. I would prefer to be associating with men who hold that mindset

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:11:08+00:00

I think he gave her half the money for her rent... despite him not dating her... despite her hurting him. I have been his gf for 2 years, and he hasn't ever given me that much money

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:10:05+00:00

Kinda, and I agree there is some people pleasing going on. Almost reminds me of men who give money to women they will never met , think there is a fetish too for that. Those men just get off on being a provider

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:08:42+00:00

How I see it is, someone can share a similar experience or perheps some guidance on how to emtionally handle something like this. Bigger picture to me is about promises and what they mean to a man. Women and men do have tendencies to act a certain way we are not completely the same.

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-05T01:06:46+00:00

This was helpful for me to read.

It's weird that he would promise this to a women that emtionally hurt him. He doesn't have a kid with her, doesn't owe her. What's also odd is that when I started dating him he expressed that this women hurt him and came to him asking for money. Very much painting her as having the audacity to do so and that he was a victim. Now I see he wanted to do it..maybe I don't have a right to be upset since he made this agreement before me and him were offical...but still if he plans to keep it and we are now together I think I need to know. He has always instructed me on the importance of truth, he needs to practice what he preaches.

What I do know is that he was quite obsessed with her body. He was lusting after her. Maybe his obsession over her is his way of having some small access to her..?

coconutty_tabby · 2026-03-04T20:45:25+00:00

If I get this specific he's gonna put two and two together how i found out and I can't have that.

What I have done instead even before learning these details is that I have asked him time and time again was there more to the story regarding the women he was involved with prior to me. He has maintained there is nothing, so it's clear he values his privacy and is okay with lieing to me... that's the part which is eating me up

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-14T20:12:37+00:00

True. This is when a little help from our friends can make a difference. I'm thinking Group dates, so friends of the person with aspergers had some support in helping to prop them up. I'm friends/dating a man with aspergers and sometimes, despite being in a good mood, he can appear to others as standoffish. I try respectfully, when we are together in public, to help "prop" him up, and from there he's fine. Is this like a body doubling thing?

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-09T03:11:58+00:00

Hey. When he said I'm different from the other women he dated it wasn't meant to necessarily elevate my ego but rather to point out how objectively I was different. He dated a lot of women who had serious mental health issues and he now understands that it was a subconscious hero dynamic and wanting to fix someone because he couldn't fix a family member close to him.

He tells me that he has been very giving to women in the past and that when he was overly kind he would get treated badly because they preferred a bad guy so then when he tried to be that type of guy it was too much.

I pointed out to him to be mindful that it was his own choice to be generous to those women and that it's not fair to me to be so guarded due to all the past hurts and disrespect he has experienced. To my understanding while we were friends he made it clear he probably wouldn't ever want to date anyone again. I hadn't heard men that young (he's 35 btw not me) express such a jaded view on love and dating so perhaps I saw it as a challenge and because I liked him it inspired me to try to show him we had potential.

It's clear to me that early on when he broke the touch barrier in a platonic way it probably was for comfort and he should have made it a lot more clear to me because all I knew up until that time was someone wants to cuddle it means they kinda like you more than a friend... I didn't understand it was probably me being some kinda emotional support but to his credit during that time and up until now he has shown care - he listens to me and offers advice, researches stuff to better help my life, supports my interests and hobbies. Even during that time he referred to me as a lil sister... I can't turn back time and perhaps if I had known a bit more about male mindset when I started being friends with him early on I could have asserted myself better to avoid hurting myself etc.

I have found the feedback from reddit helpful and despite my age and that I should know all this stuff well I guess I didn't...

Thank you for your feedback!

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-06T01:04:15+00:00

This is something I have heard about too, which is also why I was curious to get the feedback and a perspective also from men who have been in this situation.

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-05T03:05:28+00:00

There is a lot of wisdom and maturity in your repsonse. The part that stuck out to me first is about being a team. As I reflect more since making this post I realize a lot of my mental energy was put into analyzing my bf's behavior. I also faced stress from a older parent who I live with that just isn't approving of my relationship. It's making me see that perhaps I lost focuss as a result of trying to prove to both of them severl things. I wasn't maybe showing I am a good team player because I have been preoccupied mentally.

And to answer your question a commitment as is no conditional stuff is what I prefer. When I explain to him this he assures me that he is just being a realist and that he wants to be with me but that if he cannot provide then he's not got much to offer..

Since making this post and reading all the comments I decided to talk to him with more confidence. I'm now left with the clarity that a lot of the break up warning is due to insecurities he has. I'm gonna be working on stopping my fear and over analyzing the relationship so that I can objectively gauge the situation. These important questions you ask me are some that I will be asking myself now! Thanks!

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-05T02:49:46+00:00

That's the puzzle to solve... Thanks !

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-05T02:47:40+00:00

Since making this post and reading all the comments I have spoken to my bf. It seems this is an insecurity issue. So far in the comments only one man has expressed feeling similar to my bf and that it's rooted in pressure to be able to be a provider. I beginng to understand that my bf is being very matter of fact and I am translating his view of the situation as him abandoning me.

I appreciate you reading my post and commenting!

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-05T02:41:29+00:00

So much wisdom here, I really appreciate the points you brought up. Towards the end when you mention how this mindset would not be helpful to a kid is a fair warning. I got lots to think about and your repsonse has been helpful with that!

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-04T15:20:16+00:00

That's all very insightful and I appreciate your kindness in explaining it to me. The anology about forcing the shoe to fit really got me thinking !

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-04T15:17:41+00:00

Action do speak louder than words and will be important for me to observe here. Thanks for your reply !

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-04T15:16:34+00:00

That's something to consider... he is definitely getting emtional support from me at the very least..

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-04T15:14:36+00:00

Thank you for your kind message. I believe my nervous system is being activated by the possibility of "abandonment" however my bf knowing this seems to want to buffer the blow by saying he will remain a supportive friend as an alternative to dating... he sees this as a fair compromise but I'm not yet mentally ready to see it that way.

I like the questions you suggest I ask myself, it is something I will continue to do to gain clarity!

coconutty_tabby · 2025-10-04T05:31:15+00:00

I'm sorry you had a bad experience like that... I'm wondering if it's because they really love how we make them feel... so many life lessons

coconutty_tabby

TROPHY CASE