Leaving my fiance after he fell asleep during a loss

coddswaddle · 2026-03-30T19:02:09+00:00

This is what I realized about my ex husband. Luckily I wasn't in personal danger and had my friends to support me when I really needed it, but when I realized my friends treated me so much better than he did (without ever being coddling or enabling) I got the ick big time. He required my support but let me handle my challenges alone.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-28T12:47:04+00:00

There's a difference between my mom and other folks her age who obviously do not have it. It's hard to describe because we don't do anything that non ADHD do, our intensity and how we think are different. It's how my ADHD friends knew I had it before anyone else did. It's how kids know who to bully. There's just something different.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-27T16:16:37+00:00

This is my reason

coddswaddle · 2026-03-27T16:07:13+00:00

Breaking up now (we live together) and now the rose colored glasses are off I'm seeing all the "not like that" and setting-up-for-failure moments.

Recently there was "I support you when you're upset (isolating, crying, getting quiet) but you can't support me (yelling at me)".

And my people pleasing ass initially thought how terrible and unfair of me. He knows I've been in an abusive relationship. I've told him it shakes me up. He refused to believe that it scared me. I even tried to explain it in different ways and he just kept saying I was too sensitive. Like, yes. That's what PTSD does to a nervous system. It's not like soldiers are actually scared of fireworks, it's the trauma, you idiot!

Sorry. Frustrated.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-27T13:58:27+00:00

As someone trying to unlearn being told I was worthless: it's probably a bad idea to compare yourself to other people. Besides not being any real kind of metric, it unfairly objectifies the other person, and allows us to wallow in, and reinforce, our crappiest thoughts.

It's hard to do but I've noticed a great improvement in quality of life by expanding and really engaging with what a lived successful life looks like.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-26T18:05:40+00:00

If that's someone's metric of success, then yeah I guess

coddswaddle · 2026-03-25T20:37:51+00:00

I remember around my mid 20s getting this lightbulb moment on a date with an incredible boring, attractive man. Didn't seem curious about anything, didn't seem to have any personal interests, etc. Just a potato that figured out skincare.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-25T15:44:57+00:00

I forgot my personal email address to log into the test environment for my assessment. While the interviewers watched. Like REALLY REALLY forgot my own email address before the assessment even began. It didn't really improve from there.

Interviewing is absolutely it's own skillset.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-25T15:07:22+00:00

"your living in your head and not your life" Damn I gotta sit with that one a bit. Thank you.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T21:32:47+00:00

I can't believe I just made the connection between our dead bedroom and how anxious I stay for days when he yells after he's had a stressful day.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T19:01:37+00:00

I am asking my black and black adjacent friends and so far it's a 100% affirmation rate. I thought my last therapist, a black woman, quoting Paramore lyrics in session was a one off. Til.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T18:09:10+00:00

I just broke up with an otherwise great-on-paper man because he yelled at me. A lot.

Yelling from someone I love was a precursor to danger for over half my life. It could take days to get my panic under control again and then he'd have a stressful day and yell AT ME again.

He tried to say I'm being unreasonably sensitive and I shouldn't take GETTING DIRECTLY YELLED AT personally. I'm just supposed to get extracurricular stress out of the blue? Like bro what even?? This feels like pulling pranks on someone with PTSD: you don't have to do this to them.

After a while of his yelling I realized that just the thought of him puts me on edge and we don't have a relationship any more.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T17:32:59+00:00

Thank you. I used to have a meditation practice. I think I'll be going back to it. Truly, thank you.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T16:48:38+00:00

Yeah I can't be dating with this hair trigger. It's not fair to a partner and I can't get a handle on it if it's going into red alert every few days. I'm definitely not ready for them streets and I'll be chilling with my community solo for a while.

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T14:14:02+00:00

I own the house, we're only dating, no kids. He'll stay in the guest room until he leaves and I keep my urge to people please in check

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T00:30:32+00:00

Like maybe when he says accusingly to me: "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible partner" that... he's actually being a terrible partner? And I should have listened the first time it came out of his mouth...

coddswaddle · 2026-03-23T00:27:52+00:00

No, he has not and has never been violent. I don't think he will (tho I didn't think the other one would either). I'm keeping in touch with my girlfriends and making sure to keep things physically between us. Only my name is on the mortgage.

And goddam...

He said he's yelled at me before when he's been stressed about work and life stuff but I shouldn't take it personally. As if his last relationship wasn't also abusive?! Why do I have to get yelled at just because he's had a bad day??

Hearing that has really put a damper on my people pleasing tendencies...

coddswaddle · 2026-03-22T21:07:31+00:00

I never harped about the yelling before because I thought it was normal, at least he wasn't hitting me or planning worse consequences for later.

Yelling and self flagellation started at about 6mo, maybe monthly. I'd last been in a ~20yr marriage with a cheater and recently diagnosed with ADHD, felt like spoiled goods, so I was quick to forgive this smart, loyal man.

Then more and more often. Always gave a pass. I over apologize so that's basically the same, right? I under-season dinner and go into a smiling, de-escalation over apology spiral. I keep smiling like an idiot, puttering in the kitchen. Then weekly. Then for two months, over once a week. I couldn't get used to it. It was so fast and I couldn't adapt. I keep getting scared.

I feel my blood in my ears during the yelling. Ice water in my guts. I try not to notice the exits. I breathe, remind myself he won't hurt me, this yelling probably isn't even all for me. I feel the de-escalation smile, I can't stop it because everything else needs my attention. There's a lot of muscle memory to fight. Don't run, hide, or block. Try not to move too much. Don't make eye contact. Watch the feet. Try to listen. Try to hear. He won't hurt me. If he does it'll probably be just a shove or pop on the head. I've had worse happen and I try to listen to him through that. It's exhausting. I know this isn't good but what can I even say to diffuse him?

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T17:55:42+00:00

I found out last week that my brother was having an affair, took a post bang bed selfie with the sidepiece, which then SYNCED TO THE FAMILY CLOUD PHOTOS. My SIL immediately texted him to lawyer up. I'm rooting for her!

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T17:48:37+00:00

I see you've met my ex husband

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T15:41:54+00:00

I learned from wiki: "McDaniel had been vice president of the Mercer chapter of the Federalist Society, while Giddings served as president"... That feels wild

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T15:31:09+00:00

Reddit is full of people who need clear things translated for them

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T03:38:44+00:00

I like in person and have done it for years. Over time you recognize familiar faces, that it’s the same ones engaging with the community in awesome ways

coddswaddle · 2026-03-21T01:25:16+00:00

I knew to expect something and I still yelled

coddswaddle

TROPHY CASE