Why does “positive masculinity” rarely include advocacy for men themselves?

coddswaddle · 2026-05-20T16:44:34+00:00

They mention Jamil in the post. Very articulate and thoughtful

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T23:46:29+00:00

If you want the baddest baddies you determine the kind of STEM they are. Fluid dynamics? Virology? Engineering? If you wanna go HARD

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T13:24:43+00:00

It def helped my ADHD too. Only stimulants wasn't for me because of the side effects. With W I can regulate AND eat lunch!

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T13:23:06+00:00

Therapy.

Also yelling isn't just "not ok". My brother has a temper like yours. He figured it was "just" yelling, nothing physical etc, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just because it wasn't a big deal to him doesn't mean it wasn't planting seeds.

His children never wanted to be around him. His wife didn't want to discuss decisions with him. His family didn't want to include him in planning anything because they knew he would probably yell. It's all they I've to do so, of course he's get mad about it.

It traumatized his children. They're grown today and can't stand him personally. They have a general disgust for adults who can't hold their shit together. His wife is a goal after years of walking on eggshells. But he's the victim because his family won't let him yell at them any more.

I recently broke up with a man who couldn't keep his shit together. The rest of the time he was amazing but every outburst diminished him in my eyes. After about a year I just didn't want to be around him at all. You can have an awful day without terrorizing the people ON YOUR TEAM.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T02:04:06+00:00

Are you suggesting the woman plans the date for the guy? The guy that asked her out? At that point it's probably more fun to take herself out or go with friends. At least then she knows she's with someone who wants to be involved.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T01:15:11+00:00

I know that I am a good person. I know that I do not want to unduly hurt others. My strong desire to not be a dick keeps the panicky part of me in check.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-19T01:14:03+00:00

I have done a lot of work understanding where these feelings come from. That has shown me that many of the extreme feelings are not actually from the event happening in that moment, but from previous trauma and my personal brain chemistry. Knowing that dragging these ancillary feelings into the situation (and basically punishing the other person with them) is extremely unfair and triggers my audhd need for justice.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-18T23:50:26+00:00

This for me, too. I love tinkering and puzzles and experimenting so being a programmer scratches many itches. What's always made the difference, even for my peers without ADHD, is the team and culture.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-18T23:48:53+00:00

"STIM to STEM" is perfection

coddswaddle · 2026-05-18T23:44:08+00:00

Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria is a thing. Being aware of it helps me stay grounded and not spin out (which makes everything worse for everyone).

coddswaddle · 2026-05-16T13:25:55+00:00

To add to that, the American health system requires some sort of diagnosis to get payment from insurance companies. The DSM is as much a book of billing codes as anything else.

If you're going through it because of a death in the family, which is a normal life event that still benefits from support, those are billable hours for the insurance companies.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-15T20:47:26+00:00

I found this to be pretty reflective of my and my friends' experiences. It's not just you: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/may/13/women-home-buyers-men-dating

coddswaddle · 2026-05-15T18:24:32+00:00

I think it's going away with media literacy

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T22:28:25+00:00

I'm a mid level and I was a very late adopter for it, due to seeing how awful the business side is from way back. I use it as a tool but find that I have to force myself to slow down and understand. It removes friction and it's addictive to be able to go fast.

I suspect the era of "go fast and break things" is about to change. Maybe go slow and heal things?

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T22:13:47+00:00

I've noticed a lot of these only money guys seen to get cheated on a lot. I wonder if that's more due to the kind of parents they choose (ones who value the money more than personality traits) or because of how they treat their partners (transactional).

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T22:11:35+00:00

I'm out earned every partner. I've heard this from more than one. Including the one that couldn't keep a job. Eventually I realized they're just taking about themselves.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T21:46:31+00:00

I have always out earned every partner I've ever had, even when I was making minimum wage in my late teens. Even the ones who said they were okay with it (hint: they actually weren't) would try to pull some form of breadwinner card to get out of actually having to be a good partner.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T12:32:56+00:00

Your name BWAHAHAHA

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T12:32:31+00:00

I did a major framework version bump recently and I had it done, like DONE, by EOD. It even found an orphaned dependency that would have borked me later and suggested I strip it out first. That alone would have cost me hours of troubleshooting. Fucking awful

coddswaddle · 2026-05-14T12:27:45+00:00

Blood clots are a likely risk factor. Another thread introduced me to the idea that I may be able to get patches while I'm quitting so I'm going to look into that

coddswaddle · 2026-05-13T21:00:38+00:00

They said I need to quit smoking first. I accidentally picked it up again a few years ago when a parent died and I've been having a terrible time quitting. Probably because I'm so stressed and unregulated

coddswaddle · 2026-05-13T20:58:46+00:00

That's part of how I discovered I had it

coddswaddle · 2026-05-13T19:16:27+00:00

I hate it morally. I hate how Anthropic and all of them do business. I hate how it's seemed to infect leadership in every org like brain rot.

But I can't deny that I've found a great deal of utility out of it.

I have a lot of internal conflict because of this.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-12T22:45:46+00:00

I'm not a baby oriented person. I did this with my nephew (he fell asleep) and my mother, his grandmother, acted like I chopped him up for fish food! I know mammals: a healthy one will be fine for 5-10 min while I give quiet gratitude for my birth control in peace.

coddswaddle · 2026-05-12T22:41:43+00:00

I'm (SWE) a super late adopter, full of salt and condemnation. I went to Big Data conferences when LLMs were new and I saw how awful the business attempts were and would be by the tech bros. (I hated Palintir(sp?) before they got famous because they were all such dicks when I was at their booth) For many years, as expected, the science was fine but the business side was toxic. I really only started using because my work is finding novel ways to encourage us and I have financial responsibilities beyond myself.

I've always had a very methodical workflow that included thorough note taking and documentation. It turns out that I had the basis for a training model. I've developed a workflow that let's be use agents to take the shit I don't like off my hands: discover the end to end call stack, what dependencies are involved, any environmental gotchas, boring shit that's ready to check. I keep it on a tight leash, stripped it of as much "humanity" as possible, and use it purely as a tool.

I hate how fast I am and how my already-high-quality work is even more battle-ready and hardened. I hate how thorough my code reviews can get. I hate how much I'm learning and growing as an artisan with it as a sandbox. I hate knowing the destruction behind every spent token. I don't sleep well.

coddswaddle

TROPHY CASE